"namwaan?", you heard his soft yet raspy voice whispering, making you shrug - you didn't expect him to show up at night in the living room.
"oh, hey, jungkook", as quick as you could, you dried your tears with your hands while trying to form a weak smile with your lips - obviously, jungkook didn't believe your put on mask.
"why are you crying?", worried, he sat down next to you, close enough to pull you into a warm, lovely hug, making sure you wouldn't feel alone.
you couldn't hold your tears back anymore. you continued crying in his arms, feelings his strong arms around you, letting you burry your head on his chest.
why was it so hard?
why was it so hard to let someone go?
"It's okay, I'm here", these words..
somehow, they broke you even more. because you knew, he wouldn't always be there.
sooner or later, you would be alone. again.
this smile you were putting on for the last few months, caused by his presence... it would fade away, it would disappear just how.. just how he would.
no, he wouldn't be there for too long.
at the end of this week, he would fly to another country - starting his four month lasting tour. you would be alone, in this big house.
shouldn't you be happy? you had a big house for yourself. after years of living on the streets, you should be happy to have a house for yourself, right?
but this wasn't the case. yes, you would have a big house to live in. you could live like a "normal" human.
but he wouldn't be there anymore. not the money kept you happy, no. he was the reason of your sudden happiness, but he would disappear soon.
were you even important to him?
he was so important to you, but were you to him?
he had everything, friends, family, money, fans, his passion, work - it wouldn't hurt him if he loses you.
would it?
and that's the thing. when you have only one person in your life, someone who you trust and someone who you love as a best friend - when you depend on only one person - you're living with the constant fear of being able to be replaced.
"did you have a nightmare?", jungkook asked and rested his chin on your head, staring blankly through the dark.
how did he feel?
what did he feel towards you?
you had no idea, and that scared you the most. he was there for you, yes. he took care of you, yes. but, did he only do this because he felt pitty?
it was driving you crazy, the constant fear of being alone. of falling into a deep hole again.
"how do you feel towards me?", you suddenly asked.
jungkook, overwhelmed by your question, couldn't bring out any words. he had expected anything, a nightmare, you thinking too much about your lost family, your life on the streets - but he didn't expect you to cry because of him.
"I really like you, but I don't think we will work as a couple-"
"oh god no, that's not what I was talking about", you interrupted him quickly before he could misunderstand anything more.
you broke the hug, giving both of you a bit of space. Although the intention behind your question was something totally different, you didn't want to feel him this close anymore.
it felt like he just stabbed you in the back.
"I mean, what am I to you? how do you see me? do you see me as a girl who needs help, someone who can't do anything on her own, someone who annoys you with her constant presence-"
"okay, namwaan, cut it off. you want to know how I see you?"
he had never really thought about it.
and honestly, these deep conversations with you were mind blowing.
but he didn't know what to say.
staring speechless into your teary eyes, his mouth trying to form words - no, he had no idea.
he wanted to speak out the truth, he wanted to be completely honest with you - still, he didn't know how to answer your question.
the only thing he knew: he hated seeing you like this. sad, broken, lost in thoughts in a deep ocean. where was his cheerful, happy namwaan? his strong, lovely namwaan, who would always greet him with a hug?
"it's okay", you whispered with a broken voice, wiping your last tears away.
you didn't expect more from him.
"I wish you all the best on tour. please don't overwork yourself, take care."
and then, you left. you put on your sneakers, grabbed your jacket and left the house, leaving him behind.
to be honest, you had hoped for jungkook to call you back. to tell you sweet things, tell you how much you meant to him.
but he didn't, and you couldn't stay.
jungkook was the reason keeping you in this house, not the house itself.
and as much as it hurt you, you needed to leave. not forever, of course.
you just needed to get out of this house. because he, he grew so important to you. you liked him, maybe a bit too much. you trusted him and only him, you would give everything for him to smile.
but he kept you in his house because he felt bad for you. he couldn't even answer a simple question. he could have said "you make me smile" and it would be enough to you.
maybe you liked jungkook too much. maybe that was the problem in your relationship.
you gave too much feelings, he too less.
~♡~
"JUNGKOOK! YOU DUMBASS!", namjoon yelled at his best friend after he had told him everything about last night.
how you were crying, how you left.
and how speechless jungkook was. he wanted to say something, he wanted to share his thoughts with you.
but somehow, he couldn't. because it felt wrong saying out those words, and now? he had hurt you.
and he couldn't regret it more.
"she left, hyung! I don't know what to do!", jungkook said, completely helpless and close to tears.
he didn't know where you were,
he didn't know if you were alright,
he didn't know how he could make it right again.
"give her time", yoongi said out of nowhere, making every single eye pair laying on him.
"I know her better than any of you. she will come back, don't worry. give her time, she'll get over it", yoongi told jungkook, smiling weakly.
he really struggled with himself talking nice about you.
"do you think so?", jungkook asked.
"yes. but jungkook, I have a question."
Yoongi came closer to him, his eyes focusing on jungkook as if he was his target - jungkook backing off, scared of yoongi's sudden action.
"why didn't you tell her? why didn't you tell her what she is to you?"
"because.. I don't know, okay!? I just.. don't know what she is to me."
after hearing this answer, namjoon and yoongi started to burst out in laughter - huh?
"why are you guys laughing!?", jungkook asked, almost a bit offended.
"even we know what she is to you!"
"and what? what is she to me, huh? tell me!"
"oh, jungkookie, you need to find this out by yourself."
~♡~
you didn't come back. no, you stayed away from his house until jungkook left for the tour.
and jungkook?
he was driving crazy. he couldn't sleep, he couldn't focus. all he could was asking himself how you were doing.
where you were.
and then, the day of him leaving arrived - the first day of the tour.
he was sitting in the airplane, first class, staring thoughtless out of the window.
hoseok, the person sitting next to him, was sleeping. taehyung, the person sitting in front of jungkook, was constantly on his phone.
nobody was speaking, everybody was busy with themselves.
"I wonder how namwaan is doing..", jungkook murmured through his thoughts, sighing sadly.
"oh, she's doing pretty fine", taehyung suddenly said, making jungkook confused.
"how do you know?"
"hm? oh, kyeon is with her."
"what? how do you know? who is kyeon?"
"oh, namwaan and I are texting each other. I arranged her a date with kyeon so she wouldn't be alone when we leave. and she says he is amazing, so I'm pretty sure she's doing fine."
taehyung shouldn't have said that.
"this kyeon can fuck off", because this,
this triggered jungkook's jealousy. a lot, and it wasn't healthy for sure.
- authors note -
asking you again,
how do jungkook's feelings towards namwaan look like?
bye ✌.