Astrid stirred slightly, her mind still fuzzy but slowly being able to recollect what had happened. Her body felt stiff, and she was half aware that her leg had fallen asleep in her force-induced coma. Wait, she thought, suddenly remembering what had happened right before she passed out.
She heard movement around her and kept her eyes shut, trying to think of what to do next. Her leg was slowly gaining back its feeling but now was the pins and needles part, so she knew she had to wait a while before she could make a run for it.
She could feel the absence of the tracking bracelet around her wrist and knew she had no way of alerting Poe. Remembering what had happened to him, she worried that he was harmed in any way. What was she supposed to do now? With her eyes still closed, she forced herself to remain still, trying to gauge the direction the sound was coming from. She could use the Force and hold down whoever was there and then she had to run. But where was she?
She cursed in her head, her current situation reminding her of the attack that got her memories lost in the first place. She did note that she was not bound in any way, something she was grateful for. In fact, she felt like she was on a bed. A very comfortable bed. She heard the shuffling of feet before it came to an abrupt halt somewhere near the other side of the room.
"You can stop pretending now."
The voice was Ren's. The confirmation that it at least wasn't a stranger in the room with her eased her worries a bit. She opened her eyes and saw him standing near the window with his back to her, glancing out at the open galaxy, his tall frame covering most of the view. She sat up slowly, wincing as her leg screamed its agony through the numbness. Her hand went to her belt where her lightsaber was missing from its place.
Propping herself up on her elbows, she watched him as he stared out. He didn't have his mask on, and he only wore a simple black sweater and training pants. She couldn't believe that this was the same person the Resistance had so warned her about. She stayed silent, unsure of what to say.
Yes, she remembered him from her past, but she had not fully pieced together her memories, so she couldn't say for sure the nature of their relationship. She just knew she felt an attraction towards him. The silence continued until he spoke at last, his deep voice startling her slightly.
"The pilot called you Astrid," he said. "Why?"
The question took her by surprise, and she looked at him, her mouth agape. "Because that's who I am now," she replied. Her leg finally getting back its feeling, she sat up fully and shifted to the side of the bed. "You're Kylo Ren, right?"
His body stiffened for a while before he turned around. He walked towards her, curious. "What happened to you?"
"I...lost my memories," she replied softly.
"How?"
"I'd like to know that as well, but it came from a head injury of which I've no clue of how I got. Now, you are Kylo Ren, right?"
He put his finger below her chin and lifted her head up gently, gazing into her eyes. "You really don't remember, do you?"
She shook her head, pulling away from him. His hand dropped. "I remembered you though...You must be important then."
"I can help you regain them," he said, desperation in his eyes for a few moments before he cleared his throat, stepping away and circling around her. "Of course, I would have to find out the information you've gathered since you disappeared. The pilot, he's from the Resistance, and that means you know where their base is."
"I..." she trailed off, not really sure if she could trust him. "I don't know where their base is," she replied. Come to think of it, Poe had never told her where the base was located. She didn't know the address or which planet they had been on. And she wondered if Poe consciously avoided talking about the location for this specific reason.
Kylo Ren came up beside her again, this time sitting on the bed. His hands reached out to press against her temples. "Hey, I'm not hiding anything from you-"
But she felt his presence in her mind suddenly and froze. She could feel him searching through her memories, seeing flashes of her time at the base play in front of her. The midnight talks with Poe, the sparring lessons with Magda, the maintenance jobs with Matt.
There was a short pause when images of Leia talking to her appeared, and she felt his grip tighten slightly. The tension only lasted a moment or two before he kept searching, and she didn't fight him because she knew she had nothing to hide. But it was when her time in the temple flashed in front of her mind that she stopped, her hand jutting out to pull his hands away from her face. She felt his presence leave.
"I told you the truth," she frowned. "Why don't you believe me?"
"Your allegiance is to the Resistance," he commented with an equally upset frown. "You need to forget about them now. You're part of the First Order."
"No," she said, standing up and walking away from him. "I lost my memories and started a new life. I don't know what my past was like, but I know there was violence in it, and I found a way to avoid that."
"And how do you plan on escaping back to them?" he asked. She paused.
"You'll help me leave," she replied quietly. He shook his head, standing up.
"Do you honestly think the Supreme Leader would allow you to leave this place alive? He would kill you before you even step off this spacecraft."
"Supreme Leader?" she repeated softly, the name ringing a bell in her head. She could remember someone, no something named that...An image of a weird looking figure appeared in her mind, the face looming over her like a giant. Her head started to pound just thinking about it.
His hand lifted up to her face before moving down to hold the Padawan braid she had in her hair.
"Hmm, it's been a long time since I've seen one. Who was your master? The only living jedi master is Skywalker, and he wasn't there at the temple." He dropped the braid, letting it fall back unto her shoulder.
"Master Jinn," she replied with a certain degree of pride, tucking the braid behind her ear.
"Jinn?" he repeated, surprised. "We need his location-"
"If you're planning on killing him, you're a few decades too late," she replied, tugging away from him. "He's already dead."
"A force ghost," he mused, nodding. "Then he's of no use to hunt down."
"If you want to hunt down the Jedi, you're going to have to kill me too," she said, eyes flashing. He shook his head in disapproval.
"Your loyalty is misplaced."
"Is it though?" she countered. "Maybe I was put there for a reason."
"You were a fighter in the First Order. I taught you everything you know-"
"Stop," she said suddenly, her hands going up to her head. The memories began stirring again.
"You've been in the First Order for three years. You went missing after a botched mission, and the Raiders took you."
She shut her eyes, feeling all the memories stirring with every word he said. "You may seem fine in keeping these memories repressed," Nurse Oswald said in her head. "But one day, I'm afraid it'll come back to you and when that day comes, it won't be pleasant."
She started remembering. Remembering things of the past that she knew were buried somewhere in her mind. The screams were back. She stumbled, feeling like her world was slowly crumbling.
"You're starting to remember?" he realised, by her side before she could fall down.
"Theo," he said softly, and she backed up several steps, nearly tripping over as she did so. "Don't," she said. "Don't-"
He was at her side again, holding her close. "Let the memories return. Allow them to."
"I don't want them to-" she whimpered slightly, leaning into him.
"The Supreme Leader would deem you useless if you can't remember all you've learned here. It's for your own good," he told her softly, sounding almost reluctant.
"I can't," she said, scared. Even as they were doing nothing, she could feel her old life seeping through. He could sense her fear through their bond and reassured her that there was nothing to be afraid of.
"Do you trust me?" he asked softly.
She didn't think now was the time to ask such a weighted question, but she found herself nodding. He placed a hand on the side of her face, the other one pressed against her temple before she felt him in her head again. He rode out the memories with her, seeing what was running through her head and making it easier for her to adapt to it. She held on to him tightly, finally succumbing to the memories.
She saw flashes of her childhood, memories where she was running around in a corn field, giggling as her father chased her through the maze.
She saw herself cooking with her mother in a kitchen, her mother teaching her how to mince vegetables.
She also saw herself lying down on the couch on a cold winter night, huddled up in between her parents as her father read out from a book.
The memories then switched to when she was older. She was in the training room with him, swinging her lightsaber as she prepared to attack him. He spun his own lightsaber in his hand, crooking a finger at her to begin. She charged at him, the bright red blade zooming across the room as she ran. He easily deflected her blow but instructed her to keep trying. And she did. She tried again and again to bring him down. Her chest was heaving after the longest time, her arms tired from putting all her strength behind each blow that he so easily avoided. When he had told her to try again, she took him by surprise by leaping into the air and swinging her weapon ferociously and succeeded in taking the man down. Falling on top of him, she grinned, deactivating the lightsaber. He stared up at her, speechless before they both laughed softly, him telling her to get off so he didn't suffocate to death.
The memory faded, and she was in a meeting room with the general, Armitage Hux. He was going over the plans for the Starkiller Base, talking passionately about his project while she only half listened, busying herself with pretending to write notes whenever he said something remotely interesting. Somebody cleared their throat softly, and she looked up to see Ren looking at her from across the table. He was just as bored as her, but he concealed it better because of his constant look of indifference. He quirked his eyebrow at her vague drawing of a stormtrooper. She grinned at him, quickly drawing a picture of Hux with a grumpy face and a speech bubble that read "Long live the First Order". She flipped up the page slightly so that Ren could see, and he peered at it, his head resting on his hand hiding the amused grin he had on his face. It was only when General Hux had stopped talking did they look up from one another. "Oh no, please continue, general," she said, and the meeting would go on.
She saw herself in the throne room, kneeling on one knee with her head bowed. "You've come a long way, my apprentice," the voice of Snoke said. "But I still sense in you the endless doubts. The call to the light."
"I assure you, my master, despite my doubts, I pledge my allegiance to the dark side," she said hurriedly, fearful of the creature seated at the large throne in front of her.
"I should hope so. Do you think anyone else could have accepted you after what you did? How you so easily killed your parents just because you were throwing a strop? I know Resistance officers who would slaughter you in a heartbeat after what you did. But we took you in and gave you a chance to stand alongside us when we rise to power. Tell me, is this how you show your gratitude?"
She felt her lip tremble a bit, unshed tears in her eyes. When she spoke next, her voice was shaky. "I am eternally grateful for my place in the First Order, and I could not ask for more-"
"LIES!" he shouted, silencing her in an instant. "Don't mock me with tales of your loyalty when I can see the conflict in you. Do you think me a fool?
She stayed silent, wondering if she actually had to answer that question. She felt like a fool herself, kneeling in front of him like a jester waiting on the king's command. She didn't even dare to brush the tears off her face out of fear of being reprimanded. He leaned back in his seat, seemingly pleased with her meekness and kept her waiting like that for a long while. It was embarrassing for her because she could feel the gazes of the Praetorian Guards situated at specific spots in the large throne room. When it seemed that Snoke wasn't going to say anything further, she wracked her brain for a response.
"What can I do to prove my loyalty to you?" she asked softly after much consideration of her choice of words. He let out a low humming sound, as if he was merely humouring her statement but leaned forward, his voice going low.
"You will go with Kylo Ren to Naboo," he said. "Bring me Skywalker's head."
Another memory resurfaced, this time she was in a small space below the floors of a cottage. She was pacing around the tiny area while ongoing battles raged on above their heads. "I can go out there and fight," she said.
"No, you must stay in here," her father said. He stopped her in her tracks by taking her hand. "Theo, they can't know about you." From a distance, they could hear several blasts followed by screams and destruction. The dust from above fell through the cracks of the wooden floorboards above their heads.
"Sweetheart, you need to listen to us," her mother said gently. "What lies out there is nothing good. They don't know about you, and we're planning on keeping it that way. We'll wait out the invasion and once everything is over, we're going to move far away from here. I hear there's an island far away-"
"No!" she said, breaking free from her parents. "I'm not going to hide here while everyone else we know is getting killed. We can't keep hiding in fear for the rest of our lives. I'm going to fight-"
"Theo, stop this. We're not letting you leave until they're gone," her father said sternly, his eyes though imploring her to listen. "These people are dangerous. You don't know what they'll do to someone like you."
"And what am I?" she asked angrily. "All my life you've been telling me I'm different, but you don't let me use my abilities for anything! What's the point with having all this power and not being able to use it? What use of it if I were to remain a farmer for the rest of my life when I could be destined for so much more!"
"Theo, it's safer this way, darling," her mother said, holding her hand once again. "Now, please, keep quiet; they'll hear you."
"I'm done hiding," she muttered angrily, and she tugged away from her mother before lifting the latch of the hiding shelter.
"Theodosia, don't-"
But her father's last words were cut off when a fiery blast from above was shot directly into the hatch. She easily deflected the blast with the Force and shot it back at the Stormtroopers. The move filled her with such adrenaline that she grinned, using the force to lift the Stormtroopers in the air and choking them. She could only hear her father's call to her mother at the back of her mind, assuring her that they were still alive.
But that was when another form of machinery rolled in. Armed with a large blaster, a Stormtrooper fired a direct blast at them before she stopped it mid-air, the power rushing through her like a drug. With her other hand, she raised him up from the ground and slammed him onto the ground where a large rock lay. It was only when she heard the sickening sound of his neck snapping did she come to her senses, shocked. Her hand dropped and when she did, so went her control over the blast she had in mid-air. The blast, now free of her hold, shot directly behind her to where her parents were. The explosion brought the house down, her parents along with it, but she stayed alive. Unbeknownst to her, when the explosion happened, the Force had protected her from the impact like a forcefield around her.
There was a ringing sound in her ear, and she could not hear anything else. She looked at where her parents were just standing mere moments before and found the smashed pieces of their home caved in to where they were. A sob escaped her, filled with shock and worst of all, a guilt she never thought possible. She stayed curled up into a ball, her knees going up to her chest as she cried, too scared now to move. It seemed forever while she stayed there, weeping heavily at her mistake.
There was rummaging through the debris, and there stood Ren over her, holding out a hand to her. She hesitated before taking it shakily, getting up as she did so. He led her through the debris, and she only came to a halt when she saw a hand sticking out from underneath a huge chunk of the fallen building. The hand was limp, her mother's, she recognised and wanted to walk towards the body before he stopped her.
"They're gone," he told her, the robotic voice holding sympathy despite the altered voice.
"It's my fault," she croaked out, more tears streaming down her face. He regarded her silently before stepping aside to let her through the ruined doorframe.
"It doesn't matter now," he said. "Forget your past life. A new one has begun."
And thrown back into reality with a vicious snap, she let out a gasp, clutching at the nearest thing to her which was him. She blinked, feeling like she just woke up from a coma, her memories raging in her head. They were still in his quarters, and he was looking down at her with sad eyes.
Her hands went up to her head, trying to quieten the thoughts, the memories. She hadn't realised she was crying until he wiped a tear away, not moving from his place beside her.
"You saw all of that?" she asked, her voice shaking so much that she could barely get the words out. He nodded silently, observing her.
"Do you know who you are?" he asked, and it was the first time in a long time she could answer that question with full certainty.
"Theodosia..." she answered, more tears falling from her eyes at her past. "Theodosia Hale."
Author's note:
She remembers! Fun fact: when I initially started planning out the story last year, I had planned for her to be a Jinn. But after watching TROS, it would have seemed too similar if she was the granddaughter of Qui-Gon while Rey was Palpatine's descendant. And I just didn't want people to think that I was basically copying Rey's storyline into her own, so I changed her to being a nobody. Yay for her? Anyway, this minor decision thankfully does not affect the story as much. Hope your week has been good. Mine has been a bit bad but hey, at least the Oscars provided us with not only Adam Driver content but Joaquin Phoenix and Keanu Reeves content. It's the small things that count, I guess. This is where I end this note. I hope you have a great week ahead. Don't forget to smile. Even when you don't feel like it. In the words of Aaron Burr: Wait for it.
- Wyatt