The first time Hayden noticed something wrong with Noah, he saw it over the rim of his plastic juice cup. It had been barely a month after him and Marie began living with the McLeods. He noticed five-year-old Noah's shadow twitching under the early morning sun, warping in and out of shape as he pushed his toy trains.
The fifth time Hayden noticed something wrong with Noah, he witnessed it from between a crack in the door. It was when they had been playing hide-and-go-seek with Marie and the twins. He saw Noah staring at his hands in horror as wisps of black smoke rose from beneath his fingernails. Hayden had simply thought it to be a trick of his eyes.
The twelfth time Hayden noticed something wrong with Noah, he realized it when he did not feel Noah's warmth next to him on their shared beds. He had sat up, rubbed the grogginess from his eyes, and then gone looking for him. He found him in the atrium that led to the backyard door, sitting in a pool of silver moonlight. His eyes were black where they should have been white. Hayden had pretended not to see anything.
The twenty sixth time Hayden noticed something wrong with Noah, he watched it from his perch on a tree in their front yard. Noah sat on the porch stroking Buttercup's sleek coat. He paused for an abnormally long moment, then began to run his fingers through her fur in the opposite direction. The blackness seeped from her fur into his hands, staining them and leaving her completely white. The cat leapt out of his lap and hissed at him. Noah turned his hands over, inspecting the inky fingers and wiggling them like he was testing their mobility. Then he looked up directly at Hayden and smiled. A wide, creepy grin spread across his lips and did not reach his black and gold eyes. Hayden had turned his cheek the other way.
The first time Hayden admitted that there was something wrong with Noah, it was already too late. There was already blood on his hands and there were already two graves beneath his feet. On that last day Noah spent with them, their house had come crashing down on their heads in every sense except the literal.
Maybe Hayden should have stopped Noah when he caught him escaping that night. But the doorway had seemed so narrow and Noah had seemed so far away that he once again felt compelled to close his eyes and pretend he never saw anything.
There was bliss in ignoring issues. But there was also a constriction in his chest that made it impossible to breathe whenever he thought about them.
If he could turn back the clocks, he would most definitely choose to return to that time. Before rain started to feel like daggers and the emptiness on his bed made him shiver all night. Before he tried to seal his heart with Vince and Karen, only to realize that a Noah-shaped hole could only be filled by a Noah-shaped person.
But, since clocks did not turn back and time only knew one direction, Hayden supposed this was the best he could do.
"I'm sorry, Noah," he said, leaning back on the broken wall. "I'm sorry you had to endure this on your own. I told you I'm here for you, and I meant it."
A ship in a harbour was safe but that was not what ships were for.
Noah mopped at his face, clearing the tears. He sniffled and looked up with puffy, red-rimmed eyes. He sat there and stared at Hayden for what felt like an eternity. Not saying anything, just staring.
Hayden waited, trying not to panic. Uneasiness prickled at his insides, gnawing away at what little hope he had at mending this severed bond.
Right when he thought he should take the first plunge, Noah beat him.
"Why?" he asked.
Hayden blinked. "What do you mean 'why'? Do I need a reason?"
"I'm worthless, Hayden. If I meant anything don't you think my family would have come after me?" He pulled at invisible flint on his sleeves. "And you aren't my family, so, why are you so insistent on it?"
"Who says I'm not?" A twinge of hurt poked into his heart. "You're like a brother to me, Noah."
"Am I?"
Hayden could not contain himself any longer. "Oh my God, do I need to spell it out for you?? I love you, you little sh*t! I don't have any other family. You are it."
It was Noah's turn to blink. "But, I'm a monster," he said.
"I wouldn't care even if you grew six eyes. I'd still come looking for you," he grabbed the ends of Noah's sleeves, "because you're still Noah."
He lowered his head, shoulders shaking. "See, I'm not so sure about that." His voice wavered. "My mind was empty at first, and I don't exactly remember when it happened, but now, when I call out, a voice will answer back." Noah took a deep, shuddering breath. "There's something living in my head and I'm so, so disgusted by it. Whenever I look in the mirror, it looks back at me. And I honestly don't know how much longer I can hang on."
The panic flared up inside Hayden again. His fingers tightened around Noah's wrists. "For as long as you have to." His mind seemed to decide now was a brilliant time to go blank. Words fell like grain of sand from his grip. "And when you can't hang on, I'll do it for you."
"You know, I never would have thought that my biggest nightmare would be myself." Noah's chin trembled and his eyes welled up again. "And I'm afraid that one day I'll chose to fall into the darkness myself."
"You won't. Not as long as I'm here." Hayden hesitated. He swallowed his guilt whole and said, "And you know, that thing inside you that you're so afraid of? It's not you. I've seen it a few times and I can assure you: That's. Not. You." He licked his lips. "And...I'm sorry I kept shoving it under the rug. I've regretted that for the past year now."
Noah shook his head and sighed. "I don't blame you, honestly. I've thought about it, and I guess I kind of get why you did it. We were all just trying our best to live normal lives, weren't we? I think we've been through enough sh*t to last a lifetime."
He chuckled. "Have we, though?"
That elicited a snort from Noah. But he quickly wiped his expression. "Hey, wait, you aren't fully forgiven yet. Don't forget that you went and got a tattoo without telling me." He crinkled his nose.
Hayden rolled his eyes. "You're still salty about that?"
His chest lightened, like a boulder had dropped from it. He could finally breathe easier. He could finally face Noah instead of turning his back to him.
Although this was nowhere near a solution, they had taken one baby step forward. For now, that was the best thing he could ever dream for.
~🐍 ~
En sat on her kitchen counter, bare feet dangling down. An array of bandages and antiseptics and ointments laid riddled around her. She gnawed on her lower lip, keeping back profanities.
Yasha, with gentle fingers, disinfected the gashes and burns on her. "I'll leave whatever's under your shirt to you," he had said with a laugh.
The yellow light from the rangehood fell upon his face, igniting his pale skin to a golden glow. En most definitely did not ogle at how soft his long hair looked, or how his hazel eyes looked amber under the lighting, or how his lips formed a tiny pout and his brows scrunched slightly as he rubbed a cotton ball soaked in antiseptic on her knee. She tried to remind herself of how Colton would look if he were in Yasha's place. But the idea made blood rush to her cheeks.
Yasha smirked up at her. "What are you thinking about right now, hmm, En?" He tossed the soiled cotton into the bin and carefully smoothed out a big band-aid on the spot. "Don't tell me," he tilted his head to shift his bangs aside, "you were thinking about what it'd be like if I was Colt, right?"
"NO." En exclaimed, turning her chin away to hide her blush.
He chuckled. "I can see how red your ears are."
"Why are you helping me?" En asked to change the topic.
Yasha paused. "Because you asked me to? Well, not technically this. You said something along the lines of 'oh please help me disappear from the face of this earth'. But that's not happening any time soon, so I'm just doing the next best. Which is patching you up, I guess?"
She buried her face in her palms. "That was not what I said."
"Close enough." He shrugged. "Anyways, I'm not really helping you, to be honest. This is just insurance."
A dark feeling welled up inside her. "Insurance for what?"
Yasha grinned far too wide for his face. "Insurance that you get better so this sh*tshow can continue."
En froze. "What does that mean?"
He shrugged. "Don't mind me, I'm just spouting nonsense as usual."
She continued to watch him as he patched up the wounds on her arms. Now that she thought about it, En did not know anything about him.
Yasha had just been there. To the McLeod kids of years ago he had been a new worker at Karl's pizza store and a new person to annoy the wits out of. Then, he became someone they went to for refuge when they got into fights. Then he became the only person the new kid Colton would talk to. Then he became Yasha. Yasha who probably knew everything about them—except for the bit about them having strange powers. Yasha who no one really knew anything about. Yasha who no one bothered to find out more about.
"Do you plan to go back for them?"
En did not answer. She did not want to think about anything that had just happened. She was better off ignoring everything.
"Vienna."
"What?" she muttered angrily. "Look. I'm not exactly very happy with myself right now. I've done a lot of sh*t that I can't undo and there's a lot I really wouldn't mind forgetting."
Yasha held her gaze steadily. "The only reason you're here is because you told me you wanted to disappear. Now, just because I listened to you doesn't mean I'm going to be nice about it." He set the band aid in his hand down. "You're acting like a child, En."
"What do you suppose I do then?" she burst out, "Don't listen to what I say if you're going to do it so insincerely." She fought against the lump that built up in her throat.
"You really think this is insincere?" He snorted, sending a wave of anxiousness through her. "I think you're way off the point. You need to stop pretending there's nothing in the universe outside your little box, En. You can't just keep shoving things under the rug because you don't know how to deal with them."
"Don't tell me what to do."
Yasha ignored her. "And if you're having a hard time, talk about it. Don't act like it didn't happen. No one can read your mind."
Derek can, thought En.
When she did not reply, he sighed. "You're old enough to use your words, aren't you? Sometimes vocalizing it makes it easier to bear and easier to solve your issues. So, talk to someone."
En's lips remained shut. She pressed them together the way she had seen Colton do so many times. When he had to close off his own mouth to keep the secrets in.
Besides, this clusterf*ck of a life that they had lived could not possibly be fixed just by talking about it. There were too many things missing and no way to replace them. How was she supposed to get back what she lost? Was someone going to recreate everything for her? Who was she even supposed to hold to account for it?
Yasha leaned against the stove. "What are you so afraid of?" he wondered.
A lot of things. The truth.
"If I asked you who's at fault for this mess, who would you say?"
She blurted, "Noah."
He took a moment to scrape at a dried stained by one of the burners. Yasha said, softly, "Are you sure you're pointing fingers at the right person?"
"Yes," she replied. Bitter repulsion welled inside her, rising like bile up her throat. "Everything's his fault. We were fine until he started acting messed up and stupid. I don't get what's wrong with him?" The words tumbled out before she could put a lid on them. She had a thousand things to say and not enough letters to express it all. If Yasha wanted her to talk, she would talk. "It's all his fault I can't live a normal life. It's all his fault I can't go to school. It's all his fault I don't have parents anymore!" Her chest heaved. She had not even realized that she was out of breath.
"So, it's all about you, huh?" He smiled. There was no warmth in it. "You did absolutely nothing wrong, right? You were never mean to him. You never ignored him. You never treated him like he was worthless."
En faltered. Did she? For some reason, everything became blurry. She blinked rapidly, trying to remember the past. She could not recall anything.
Nothing except her little brother's crying face. Nothing except the terrifying black shadows that rose with his sobs. Nothing except overpowering disgust.
And she had to admit, this resentment felt a whole lot better than sympathy. It was so much easier than trying to understand Noah and trying to accept him. Why did she have to anyway? Blood was worth sh*t.
"I don't care." She clenched her fist hard enough to feel a sting through her bandages. Something sizzled behind her, but she brushed it off. "He had no right to ruin my life!" she bit out, practically yelling. "It would have been better if he wasn't even born!!"
A loud explosion punctuated her last words. She shut her eyes as a shower of hot glass poured around her. She willed a barrier around herself, deflecting the shards away.
Her eyes flew open. Horror coursed through her.
En did not know what to do. She had never used her powers in front of a person other than her siblings. Yasha would have to be an absolute idiot to not realize something was strange.
A snigger from across the kitchen startled her.
Yasha stood far away from his original spot, probably because he ran as soon as the chandelier broke. He laughed his heart out as he reclaimed his spot by En.
She frowned. "I don't get it."
"Get what?"
"I'm confused," she said. "Aren't you going to, I dunno, reprimand me or something? Tell me I'm selfish?"
Strangely she was not affected by saying that. By admitting that she was indeed being self-centered.
"I did. You are. I just wanted you to be more honest with yourself, En." He stepped around the broken glass, picking up the dust pan that sat under the sink. "But, you know, those sound like you-problems, not me-problems. I'm only in this for the fun. I actually don't give a flying f*ck about what happens in your lives."
Her brows furrowed together. "Why did you stick around us then?"
"You kids are fun," he beamed.
"Huh?" En did not understand.
But maybe it would be better to leave it at that. Finally, her shoulders felt lighter. Finally, she let out the underlying darkness she had buried within herself this whole time.
She was free.