"I've been prayin', I never did before."
"Don't you dare lie to your next girl and say I hurt you. Don't you dare tell her I left you broken and alone. Don't you even think of telling her how amazing you treated me and how I walked away because I was selfish or didn't love you. You tell her the truth. I loved you. I supported you. I kissed the ground you walked on. I gave you my all. I gave you everything I had." The sobs wrack my already weakened body. I can't imagine how pathetic I look. Crying, whining, begging. It's naive really, to think my emotions could ever make him feel remorseful. "You don't get to sit here and pretend like you worked for me, like you actually put effort into us! I stayed home from uni. I got a petty job to keep busy. I moved away from all I have ever known!" Listing off the reasons as to why I was better than him seems cruel, but on paper, it was obvious who truly devoted more of themselves. "Where were you when I was crying because I missed you so much? Where were you when my sister got sick? Where were you when my mom lost her job?" He looks into my dull eyes, his are dead, emotionless, empty.
"I was on tour." He whispers.
"Where was I when you broke your foot? Where was I when you got sick halfway through promo season? Where was I when you started writing your album? Where was I when the group decided to separate?" He looks straight through me.
"By my side."
"So tell me, Harry. Why are you the one who gets to walk away? Why do you get to leave me like I meant nothing to you? What did I do to deserve this?" He is looking at the floor, shuffling on his feet uncomfortably. I can't stand how nonchalant he is acting; he's pretending like this doesn't hurt him, but I can tell he's breaking.
"I just don't want this anymore." He manages to choke out his inconsiderate answer. "I don't want the fighting. I don't want the back and forth. I don't want you blaming me for this stuff anymore." He sighs heavily and finally looks into my tear-filled eyes. "I can't keep coming home to you complaining and crying and acting like this life is so hard for you. I can't keep comforting you when I'm tearing at the seams trying to make this all work." A single tear slides down his cheek, and I can't help but be shocked at the slight sign of emotion escaping his usually stoic frame. "I love you. I love you more than anything or anyone, but I am not going to break myself and my spirit because you can't seem to accept my career."
"Is this what you think this is about? I'm missing you too much while you travel?" He nods as I suck in a harsh breath. "I just want you to understand where I am coming from, Harry. I'm not like your friends and family, I don't have anyone to lean on when you're gone. My family is in America. My friends are at Uni, my siblings are living their own separate lives."
"Maybe you should've made friends when you had the chance, instead of being stuck to my side for months on end."
This was it. This was the end.
"Wow. I'm sorry you feel that way." I mutter as I walk toward the kitchen. Dirty dishes become my main focus as I hear his footsteps approach a few moments later.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that." He whispers, putting his hand on my shoulder. I nudge him away and continue to run the water.
"No. Don't even think about coming back and apologizing. I'm not doing this. Not anymore." I scrub the plates until they're sparkling and even then, my anxiety and heartache don't diminish. Harry decides to go to sleep after thirty minutes of begging me to forgive him. I make my way to the bedroom, hoping and praying he's fast asleep while I do the unthinkable. Much to my dismay, he's sitting on his side of the bed, his back to me, it's moving in a weird pattern, almost like he's breathing too heavy for his own body's good.
"Damn it. I am an idiot. I'm so stupid." His voice fills my ears and it tears my heart to shreds hearing him speak so lowly of himself. "I just let her walk away. I just let her leave. Who am I?" I can't tell what's going on in that brain of his. I haven't left yet, so who could he be speaking to? Before I can register what he's doing, he gets on his knees, his hands are folded and I can't help but look on, confused as he begins to pray. "God, Sir, I'm not sure what I am supposed to do here. I'm not quite certain how this stuff works." His tears can be heard hitting the hardwood and I sigh quietly, selfishly, I continue to listen in on his pleas. "I messed up. I let Y/N go. I made her stop loving me." His cries ruin me. I ruined him. "She's all I want. She's all I need, but I can't keep doing this back and forth stuff. The fighting isn't worth it. The pain isn't worth it. God, she deserves so much better than me; she deserves so much more than I can give her. She deserves a man who can stay. Someone who can always be here when times get rough. I can't watch her sink anymore. I can't be her anchor anymore." His body violently shakes and if I didn't know him better, I'd think he was putting on a show in hopes I would stay. "I'm drowning her." My body walks over to his side before my brain can register what I am doing. I kneel beside him, holding his shoulder softly. He flinches at my contact. "Amen." He whispers. Taking his large hand and forming a cross over his chest.
"I'm sorry." I mutter. He shakes his head.
"Nothing to apologize for. I hope you live a happier life with someone who can make you ten times happier than I ever did." His tears are swiftly wiped from his eyes as he climbs to his feet. His tall stance should intimidate me, but all I see is a broken man.
"No one can replace you, Harry. If that's what you think will happen, you're beyond wrong." I'm telling the truth, I have no reason to lie; No one will replace him. No one could fulfill the void that will surely inhabit my chest once I walk away. "No one could ever fill the spot where you're supposed to be."
"So, why are you leaving?" He whispers. He sits next to me on the floor. The space is just enough to feel his warmth, but also enough to have a solid distance between us.
"I love you. I love your career. I love your successes. I love your failures." My tears join his on the ground. "I just can't do this anymore, Harry." I finally admit the painful confession. "You're always gone. You're always working. You're always in another world." His career was everything to him. I could never have him choose. "I know you deserve someone who can handle this life, I thought I could, but I guess I am not fit for this kind of thing. I'm not the perfect girl you deserve. And I am sorry I wasted your time." His hand cups my cheek, swiping the tears away. His forehead presses to mine gently.
"Do not ever as long as you live say you wasted my time. I will always choose you. Always." His eyes are stoic, but somehow their emotion pulses into my own at an unnerving rate. "I don't care what it takes, you can't and you won't leave me. No man could love you the way I do. He could love you forever, with everything he had, he couldn't love you as much as I do in one day."
*
To think it's been a week without Harry, feels so wrong. Living with my mother for guidance and normalcy is the only sense of content I can muster. Laying in bed, covers pulled up to my chin, my tear stained pillow is wet against my reddened cheeks. A knock on my door rips me from my selfish, pity-party.
"My love. You need to eat." My mother whispers as she places some soup and crackers on my bedside table. She rubs my hair soothingly, as weird as it sounds, I imagine it is Harry. "You're worrying me. I just want to make sure you're okay." I let the tears silently fall to my already soaked pillow. "I know this hurts, but you've got to take care of yourself."
I sit up. Laying against the headboard, she still plays with my hair calmly. "Mom, will this ever go away?" I lay my head on her shoulder, with her guidance.
"What, babygirl?"
I whine into her now damp shoulder.
"This pain. Will it ever go away?" I am sobbing now. My body moving in an uncommon way. I can't control my own movements anymore. I've held it in too long. "I just miss him, mommy." I feel like a child.
"Oh baby girl." She whispers so broken. I feel horrible. I'm taking down everyone with me. "This pain is only temporary. He loves you with everything in him and you love him. And as messed up as this sounds, you're not feeling this pain alone. He's hurting just like you are." That doesn't make me feel better, even imagining Harry in pain breaks my already shattered soul. "I know that hurts. I know him hurting breaks you, but you have to think it'll get better for the both of you." She's crying with me at this point. Holding me close as I sob uncontrollably into her neck.
"I love him." I whisper. "I'm tired. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore."
"Pain is inevitable. Life is hard. Love is beautiful. You just managed to find this all out when it was too late." She mumbles against my hair, kissing my oily scalp. "If this hurts so much, maybe you should talk to him. Maybe he can help you move forward." She sounds idiotic. Seeing Harry would surely ruin me even further. Seeing his pained face, or to my horror, totally okay face, would only add to my heartache. "Seeing him will shatter you, I am not denying that, but closure is one hundred percent a beautiful thing and maybe it is what you both need in order to move on."
"I don't want to see him with anyone else." I whine.
"Maybe it's time to admit it to yourself that you were selfish. His career was here long before you were, why did it impact you so much? After all the years of One Direction and the traveling and the tours, why did Harry and his solo moves effect you so much?" She was right. I had survived three world tours, two movie premieres, multiple album and single releases, why was this time any different? "I will always support you and I fully agree this lifestyle is hard, for both of you, but had it ever occurred to you that this life was a choice for you. Harry didn't have a choice."
"I didn't choose to fall in love with him." I raise my head to look into her face. My eyebrows furrow and she mirrors my reaction.
"No, but you did choose to stay. He didn't get a choice, my love. He just wanted to sing and make people happy, but he got all the negative aspects of it too, things he tries and successfully shelters you from. So, please understand, his reactions were not to upset you, he always looked out for you in the best possible way. You moved to England with him, you decided to hold off on university, you chose all you did. Harry always had your best interest at heart."
I travel back to our fight, how he used my own insecurities against me, telling me I should've made friends instead of being glued to his side.
"I'm not saying he hasn't done wrong because people make blinded mistakes when love is involved, but has he ever done anything that didn't end up being for the right reasons?" She leaves me with my thoughts, walking to my door. "I will always support you and if Harry isn't what you want anymore, then that is fine, but I will not watch you kill yourself and rot away in this room."
*
Listening to my mom cry herself to sleep was truly the most heart wrenching moment of my life. Hearing her sound so broken was horrible, and at my expense made me feel even worse. I decided to leave that night, catching the first flight out to NYC.
I'm wandering through the busy streets, people watching isn't easy, but it's keeping my nerves at bay as I quickly approach Harry's new apartment he bought just days before we broke up. My heart stops seeing the paparazzi and security in front of the beautiful, rustic building.
"Y/N, are you here to see Harry?"
"Haven't seen you in awhile, how is Harry doing?"
"Smile for us, sweetheart."
Their constant ridicule and questions don't affect me today, I'm too nervous and focused to care.
"Name Miss?" James asks me. He didn't make eye contact with me, obviously too focused on the commotion of ignorance behind me.
"It's me, James. I'm here to see him." I whisper.
"Sorry ma'am, it's been a crazy week. Level 4 apartment 10." He presses the key code in and lets me wander into the lobby. Twiddling my thumbs I make my way to his floor, my hands shaking even worse than before.
I knock quietly, hoping he doesn't hear them. I can hear his boots clacking against the floor behind the wooden door, it swings open and all I see is a tired, but calm looking Harry. His eyes are still green, they look dark around the bottoms, but I put that down to a busy schedule not crying himself to sleep. His hair is nicely shaped, close to his scalp with a new cut. Typical, trendy, yet innovative outfit. Damn, he's beautiful.
I can't imagine how horrible I look. Leggings clad to my bottom half, my broken down leather boots Harry bought me for Christmas two years ago, a huge coat that seemed to fit last year, but swallows me now. I didn't even think to put makeup on. The least I could've done was fake being okay, made myself look a little less defeated. I guess apart of me wished he looked just like I do.
"Hey, uh, what's up?" He casually beckons me inside.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have come here without letting you know first. I just had to see you." I sound so pathetic, but I can't bother lying to him anymore. Lying to myself, more like.
"No, you're always welcome." His answer mends my heart just a little.
"Can we talk?" He nods. "I'm sorry about everything. I just really needed time to think and figure myself out." A tear escapes my eye and he leads me to the couch, sitting on the plush, oversized sectional. "I don't want you to think you ever treated me wrong or did unnecessary things. Your career is more important than I will ever be. I should've accepted that, I should've prepared myself for all the new things your career entailed."
He nods, understandingly. "You didn't need to come all this way to tell me that. I knew all that happened was more down to emotions. Thank you for doing this though." I smile slightly, tilting my head up to look at him. His eyes are peering into my own. I feel myself growing even more nervous by the second.
"I should go. Just know I am always here for you." I stand up, adjusting my coat. He surprisingly pulls me into an embrace. His arms pulling me into his strong chest, my much smaller ones circling his waist.
"I missed you." He mumbles into my hair. My heart leaps at the words.
"Really?" I whisper. He nods against my head.
"More than anything in this world." I smile into his chest, looking up to his face.
"I cried so much. I couldn't keep my eyes open for two days." He looks at me with furrowed eyebrows, showing confusion, yet pain. "My eyes were so swollen, my mom thought I was going to go blind." I giggle, trying to steer the attention away from my pathetic days of crying.
"I cried too. I had to have Lou put makeup on me for interviews and stuff so they couldn't see how red they were."
"I'm sorry."
"No baby, it was my fault too. This has been the hardest two weeks of my life. As dorky as it sounds, I missed everything about you."
I lean into his face, kissing his lips softly. I don't want to rush this, I want to savor all of him, I want to prove that I am dedicated to him, dedicated to this relationship, no matter how hard things get.
"Please don't let me go." He whispers against my lips, breath fanning over my face. I simply squeeze him tighter.
"Never."