College was never a part of the plan. I didn't recognize the need for it in my life and I didn't think I'd live long enough to actually be in college.
And for the most part, I had been right. In Ace and my line of work we didn't exactly require a degree and technically I was only alive because I agreed to do this stupid mission. Under regular circumstances, I would've never been given this chance and I would've happily accepted my fate.
But Ace happened. Ace brought me back to life. Ace resented the fact that I took this mission. Ace wanted me to be safe. Ace didn't understand that this was the only way for me to be safe. For us to be safe.
In so many ways, Izabelle and I were the same. We both grew up with psychotic father figures, only hers actually cared for her. We both were trained to kill. And we both wanted to live now even though earlier that wasn't part of the plan.
My training had of course, been a little more intense. I had definitely broken more bones. I didn't really have time for anything else. And I had done more jobs. Which means I was good at this. I had done jobs more dangerous than this one.
And yet, this is the one I'm having a breakdown over. Because this is the only one that has made me study advanced economics.
"Stop crying. It's only economic theory."
"I don't get it." I sobbed harder. Gosh, this is embarrassing.
"It's not like you're doing microbiology."
"I don't want to be doing microbiology. But this, I'm supposed to get this!" I had always known economics would be a challenge but it was the closest to being a subject that I actually cared about. Also, because Flynn and I had to have one subject in common. Any more and it would be too obvious and if I didn't share any class with him I wouldn't ever really see him at all. So I was stuck with economics. At least for this semester.
"Maybe coffee will help." I concluded and swiped my hand under my nose wiping away my snot.
"Ugh, yes! Anything to get you out of this room!"
"Your support is astounding." I muttered as I got out of bed. I was not getting out of my PJs. All I did was throw over another layer of warm fluffy clothing and walk out of my room with just enough cash for one black coffee.
I looked awful. From the bruise on my face to my unkempt hair, all the way to my food stained PJs, everything screamed exhausted, which I was. Economics is really fucking hard. I hobbled across campus to the coffee place. The warm insides allowed me to take one layer of warmth off. I wouldn't say it was cold. I just liked being extra cozy. Even though the weather was pleasant and deserved more credit for being kind of great.
I threw my body into one of the chairs and sipped my coffee. It was not strong enough. I still tasted the water. But I didn't care enough to complain about it. Besides I don't think I could? Not as the person I was supposed to be. It wasn't bad. I did need coffee. "Hey." I heard a voice and looked up immediately.
"Hey," I said, expressionless. Too tired to have an expression on my face.
"You don't have to study this early in the semester." He said, taking the seat in front of me.
"I do, actually. Some of us can't cram last minute."
"Right. Of course." He grinned. I hated that grin.
"What are you doing here, Drew?"
"Same as you." He said pointing to my coffee.
"Then go get it."
"Yeah, I will."
"Great." I said.
He bought himself a cup and sat down.
"So, you look like you've been crying."
"Yeah, I have been crying." I said, dryly.
"Right."
"Economics." I answered, since he wouldn't ask.
"Your face doesn't look as bad as it did the other night."
"Thank you." I said, consciously touching the spot I had bruised.
"Does it still hurt?" He asked, tentatively.
"What do you think, genius?" Seriously, does this guy get paid to ask stupid questions?
"Okay, okay, I get it. Do you want to go back to my room? Flynn's good with economics. Or at least that's what he says, the big show off that he is."
"Doesn't he have class?" He didn't. I had been asked to memorize his schedule.
"No, actually. He said he doesn't really have anything today."
"I don't want to impose, besides I can take care of myself."
"It was only a suggestion." He shrugged.
"Don't you have class?" I asked.
"I do, in an hour. Coffee is a part of the morning routine." He smiled.
"Gosh you're beautiful." I muttered, irritated.
"And you're not happy about it?"
"I don't like people who are perfect. They lack authenticity."
"Flattered." He laughed. "If it helps I'm convinced I'm going to drop out within a few months."
"No, that doesn't help."
"What? Not authentic enough?" He snorted.
"No. I'd miss you if you dropped out. No points for that."
He looked at me with his big happy eyes and grinned. "That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week."
"Don't let it get to your head." I smiled. He made me smile. Maybe it was just the way he smiled. He had an unforgettable smile.
"Come on, now I have to help you." He said, standing up, determination shining in his eyes.
"I couldn't ask anyone else to tolerate me while I slowly lost my mind." I shook my head.
"You won't have to ask, come on!" He said, taking my cup of coffee with him.
"You leave me no choice." I sighed and threw on my jacket.
"That jacket's too big for you." He said.
"Yeah, it's not mine." It came with the job.
"It looks comfortable."
"It is." It was.
"And you know, it would actually fit me." He eyed my jacket.
"Don't even think about it." I glared at him.
"I'll make you a fair trade."
"Nothing you could offer me would have the sentimental value of this." I had no attachment to it, apart from the fact that it was comfortable and I didn't have it in me to go out and get myself another jacket.
"Oh, who gave it to you?" He asked, with renewed enthusiasm.
"My dad did."
"Oh, that's cute."
"Technically he didn't give it to me, I just took it and stormed out of the house one day."
"A rebel, are we?"
"Uhm--sure, if that's what you want to call it."
"You know, you're lucky."
"Lucky?"
"You have an innocent face. Innocent faces don't get in trouble easily." Panic filled my lungs slowly. He had me half figured out. I was going to have to be a little more careful.
"I guess."
"It explains your rebellious streak. You've never been caught." Oh, you don't have a clue.
"You'd know." I smirked. He wasn't the most aggressive looking person around either. He had a kind face. One that you trusted easily. But I knew better than to trust a face.
"Whatever you're implying, I can assure you it's probably worse." He laughed. Oh, that laugh. I wish I had one of those.
"Flynn's not like you, is he?"
"Oh, no, not at all. He has the face of someone who's always in trouble. Can't imagine someone like that being like us." He nudged my shoulder.
He got me. I liked that he didn't care for long explanations. It made being around him easier. But it also meant that he didn't really have to ask. He'd just know. Which was unsettling to say the least.
"As a kindness to you I'll leave you and him alone, give you the chance you deserve with the hot one." He winked at me.
"Yeah, the hot one, sure." I rolled my eyes at the thought. Personally, Drew was more my type. That's if I was looking to actually fall in love with someone. I couldn't have played him. I'd be raked with guilt.
We had arrived at his dorm room. He offered me a smile and my coffee back, and he opened the door.
Flynn was on his bed, reading. With Izabelle passed out next to him.
"Right. I forgot about that." Drew chuckled awkwardly.
Flynn's gaze found me.
"Now's not a great time." He said, apologetically. Poor guy seemed apologetic a lot.
"She needs help studying and you're a genius so help the girl." Drew said.
"I'd love to, but Belle needs to sleep and--"
"Flynn, look at Jamie. That's the face of someone who needs help with economics."
Flynn got up and stood in front of me.
"Do you really need help?" He asked, kind eyes and all.
"Uhm--I would hate to bother you, and it's no problem if you're busy--"
"No, go ahead, what do you need?" He said.
"Economic theory makes me cry." I sighed.
"Okay, meet me in the library in twenty. Get your notes and everything."
"I'll watch your ex for you." Drew offered.
"Yeah, I'll take care of Belle." He didn't look too pleased but I could work with that.
"If you're busy, that's okay. It's not urgent."
"No, but I'd like to--uh--help?"
"Thanks." I said, turning to walk back to my room.
"Hey, listen," Drew called out.
"Yeah?"
"You--uh--you're doing better, right?"
"Yep. So much better." I nodded.
"Good. Uh--I'll see you around."
I nodded again and walked back to my room. The coffee had been helping. Slowly but surely. The coffee made me feel more and more like myself. It helped me make sense of the situation. Why was Flynn helping me? Why would he help me over Izabelle? Something was wrong. Really fucking wrong. But I'd figure it out.
"You're smiling." Chris commented.
Of course I was. Of course I had to smile. I didn't think it would work. But I suppose it pays to have the schedule of your target and his roommate memorized just in case you need to use that information to your advantage some day in your process to slowly inject yourself into the target's life. Yes, it was creepy and stalker-ish but I wasn't here for the college experience. I was here for the target. I was not a good person for it and I didn't care to be a good person. It simply didn't matter if I was good or not. Sticking to a strict moral code in my specific situation would only get me killed.
I had to make it out alive. For Ace and Dickens. Dying wasn't part of the plan. And that wasn't going to change.
I used my twenty minutes wisely. For starters, I took a shower, I made myself look slightly less like shit. Slightly, being the key word. If I didn't look like absolute hell, he might still change his mind and that was just not an option.
I put on a summer dress and pulled my winter coat over it. I was disoriented enough to pull it off.
I shabbily covered my bruise. Frustration leaking through.
And then I just grabbed my stuff and walked to the library.
It was sufficiently easy to find him. He liked to sit in the same spot every time.
"Hey," I said, with a tired smile. That was all real. I was truly exhausted. Economic theory was never my strong suit.
"Hi." His eyes found me. Blue as sadness. I ignored that and put my stuff on the table, then I sat down next to him.
"I'm sorry for earlier, I didn't know you were--uhm--occupied." I looked at him, biting my lower lip.
"Oh. Yeah...no, it's fine. It was just my ex. She needs to learn that I won't always be available."
"I don't mean to sound rude but you and your ex are really close for exes."
"Yeah, it's a whole thing, anyway, let's get to work."
I nodded. I couldn't seem too interested or he'd think I wasn't really here to study at all.
He opened my textbook to the page I had bookmarked and read through it. I watched him. It wasn't even subtle. I was just staring at him. Shamelessly. Waiting for him to finish reading so that he could explain to me what the fuck that textbook was trying to tell me.
Most of my other subjects I could manage with my laptop and library resources but not this one. This one required a textbook. I needed something to cry on.
It wasn't like they'd get me anything I didn't need. I had to beg for this textbook. My fake brother enjoyed watching me cry over a subject. It all seemed so trivial. Passing a class. We both understood that there was still a chance I wouldn't be allowed to live. A perfectly good chance that I wouldn't survive this and yet my primary concern had been getting a textbook just to pass a class. Who was I kidding? I couldn't do this.
I'd die here. In this cold, unfeeling library. Surrounded by people who thought I was Jamie. Ace wouldn't even find out until a few weeks later. So I cried. Again. It wasn't the kind of wailing that not understanding a subject had brought about. It was more of a soft, defeated cry. Why was I even doing this. I needed a smoke. I needed more coffee. And I needed to hold Ace and tell him that I'm sorry. And I was sorry. For not being on the same side as him. For lying to him. For making him believe that we could have a future.
And yet, here I was. Staring at someone who was supposed to be a target for doing what I had been too cowardly to do. Quitting. I admired his courage. Quitting meant putting a target on your back and hoping it all works out anyway. It was delusional but it looked good on him. It was hope.
"Hey," he looked over to me, "it's going to be okay," this strange boy had no idea what he was talking about, "you'll pass, don't worry."
"I--I'm not sure I will."
"Yeah, you will," he had something comforting about him. He was so cold that any semblance of warmth seemed comforting when it came from him. Almost like he meant it. For a moment I considered telling him everything. No. No, even if he found out he wouldn't kill me. But if my fake brother found out that I'd done this, he'd kill me. There was no question about it.
"You know I'm not even sure why I'm doing this," I said through a sob.
"None of us are really sure, you know? It's all just sort of there and we're making sense of it as we go."
"And what if I never figure it out?"
"Hey, that's okay too, you'll understand some part of it and more often than not, that's enough."
I nodded. I bet he thought I cried a lot. Which, I guess I did. I didn't like holding stuff in. Even as me, I had a habit of erupting quite often. Sometimes it was tears, other times I'd yell and sometimes I'd go too hard and get someone killed.
"Are you ready to start?" He asked.
I nodded and wiped my face.
"Good, we've got this." He smiled and started talking.
***
I nearly jumped when my phone rang. I had been eating lunch with Flynn. He suggested we grab a bite and then continue.
I had made sure to save Ace's contact as 'home' so that nobody got too suspicious. I excused myself and picked up the phone in the corner of the room.
"I love you." Ace was crying.
"What?"
"I love you, you remember that, okay."
"What do you mean?"
"I--I can't tell you. C... I will always love you."
"What happened mom?" I had to keep playing this game. Just in case.
"Nothing. Nothing. I promise. I'm fine. Everything's fine. I just miss you."
"Are you dying?" I didn't care who heard, if Ace was dying, nothing mattered. What was the point of all of this if I couldn't even be happy in the end?
"If I was, I'd have started with that. No, I just--I fucking love you more than you'll ever know."
"I know." I assured him.
"C... I have to tell you something."
"You're dying, aren't you?" I choked.
"No, no, I am not. But you have to promise me you won't hate me once I tell you--"
"I love you, mom."
"Izabelle knows."
"What?"
"We were working a few months back and--and well, she asked to see a picture of you because she wanted to know who I was in love with. She knows who you are C."
"Why are you telling me this now?"
"Because today Austin told me Izabelle's been spending a lot of time alone. Figured she'd have to be there."
"Uh huh." My throat dried up a little.
"She won't tell. Unless, you know, she feels like you're trying to take her man from her."
"Focus on finding Edgar Allan Poe, thanks."
"Ah yes, of course." He chuckled.
"Okay."
"I'm sorry."
"Love you bye." I hung up and walked back to the table I'd left Flynn at.
"Everything okay?" He asked, without even looking at me.
"Yep. All good." I bet I looked like I'd seen a ghost.
"Are you also feeling a little better about economic theory?"
"Yeah, yeah, thanks."
"Glad to be of use." Maybe I should just tell him. Come clean. Hope he'd play along and nobody else would find out. There was so much I hoped for. None of which I was likely to do.
"I--I should probably go back to my room now. You probably have stuff of your own you have to deal with, not to mention, your ex." I just sort of slipped that in. Hoping he wouldn't notice I was particularly keen on knowing about that last part.
"I'm kind of hoping she won't be there by the time I get back."
"Right. One of those exes then."
"I can't really ever say no to her. And that really messes shit up."
"You know, the only time I ever struggled with an ex we got back together. He was a lot, but as much as we thought of each other as an inconvenience, we weren't ready to give up. In hindsight it seems stupid but like, it made sense to us back then."
"How'd that work out?"
"We broke up. Eventually. Some things have no business existing." I shook my head.
"But was it worth it?"
"I don't think I should answer that."
"Why not?"
"Because I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't worth it, but that's bad advice."
"Bad advice sometimes provides the clarity we're looking for," he said, looking at me with the same intensity that he always did. It was a little frustrating. To always have to sound as earnest as I did.
Then it hit me?
Did he know? Did he know about me? Did he know what this was all about. Was this just him being smug about it.
The rest of lunch was tense to say the least. I could feel him thinking and staring. I was sweating.
Izabelle hadn't seen me yet. So she didn't know. Not yet. I had to keep it that way. She was starting to become a problem and one I didn't really want to be dealing with.
"Hey, you look a little lost," he nudged.
"Uh--yeah, I'm fine. Just thought about my ex for a little bit longer than I should've."
"Right."
"So will you get back together with yours?" I asked, casually.
"Uh. No, no, not at all."
"If you love her, I don't know, maybe it'll be worth it?"
"No. She's not the person I used to be in love with."
"Yeah, that happens."
"She's just--uh--she's with my best friend. And he's crazy about her. She knows that. Of course she does, she's not stupid. So she just plays him along. Cheating on him, with me. That's not her fault alone, but I feel like she cares a lot less than I do."
"Seems like you have a self control problem."
"Uh--I guess I do."
"I feel bad for your friend."
"Yeah, me too. But I think he knows."
"Then why won't he break up with her?"
"I don't know. I guess we all have our reasons."
"You know, maybe you should talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel, get punched in the face, get him out of a relationship where he's not important."
"He needs the lie more than any of us."
"Living a lie doesn't usually fix anything, you know?"
"Yeah, trust me, I do."
We came to an understanding that we weren't going to talk about this anymore. I had that awful sinking feeling that he knew. Even if he did, he wasn't going to change his attitude towards me.
There was something comforting about that. Knowing that he was much less dangerous than I'd originally been led to believe.
It gave me a little more confidence. By me, I mean Jamie. The real me already had all the confidence she'd ever need. Jamie however, needed just this little push to do something reckless.
I swallowed hard and kissed him. Sitting in a cafe, with untouched food sitting between us. I did it. I actually did it. I kissed him.
°°°
A/N
Hi. It's been a while. I hope you enjoyed this. Is it good? Is it bad? I'd love some feedback. Votes and comments are always appreciated. Thanks. Bye I'll see ya soon.