^ the house
It's been a month since the shooting. Four weeks of working from home, no tour, no shows.. no Jhené. She called and texted me but I ignored them all. I didn't wanna deal with it.
I didn't like how she could up and kiss me, then turn back to her old dude like it was nothing.. I couldn't vibe with that. I wouldn't vibe with that. In the meantime, Maru and I worked out asses off the rack up some checks, which we did. Especially with Ballin' and Swang. Plus the revenue from the shows we did attend.. we made enough to move us out of the hood.
"Why the fuck is this shit so far?" Kai huffed out as he staggered on the crutches, a scowl on his face. I simply chuckled before grabbing the crutches, handing them to Maru, and picking up my little brother. "Nigga!" He shrieked out which made me laugh hard as hell.
"Relax man." I chuckled and playfully leaned down to kiss his forehead but he struggled until he made us both trip, falling into the green grass. "Look at yo dumbass." I snorted, shaking my head as he groaned while holding his hip area.
"You gonna make me rip these stitches.. again." I helped him up and he hopped on his pain free leg, grabbing the crutches back from Maru. I simply smiled at him, basking in the feeling of my brother being present with me. Lord knows where I'd be if he didn't make it in that hospital room. "What?" He said once he saw me still staring.
"Nothing bro.. just happy you're here." I knew he'd usually have a snarky remark for these situations but, for my sake, he smiled and bumped into my shoulder silently.
"Me too."
"Aw this is cute but can I take this damn blindfold off now?" We both looked back at mom as she crossed her arms. "It's itchy y'all, this is not how I wanna spend my birthday."
"Oh yeah." I slid up behind her before grabbing the edges of the blindfold. "Maru you recording?" He nodded, his phone up. "Okay. One.. two..." I pulled her blindfold off and she looked around in confusion. "Almost forgot." I pulled a single house key out of my pocket and handed it to her. "Surprise?"
That's when her jaw dropped.
"Wait.. this is.." I nodded and she screamed, jumping into my arms as she hugged me tightly. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She exclaimed.
"That's not all though." Maru said before pressing the garage door remote, making it raise up and display a Mercedes amg gle. "Now this is my gift."
She gasped and cupped her mouth. "Y'all.." she slapped my brothers shoulder before walking towards it with a smile. "This is so.."
"Awe." I cooed when she trailed off with a sigh, her eyes watering. I wrapped my arms around her and swayed us side to side, her head resting in my neck. "Happy birthday, mama."
"Thank you." She whispered before wiping her eyes and pulling back with a sniff.
"So I guess we can all have our own rooms now huh?" Kai asked as we walked to the door and I winced, looking at Maru who glanced away while scratching the back of his head. "What?"
"Uh not it." Maru said quickly and I huffed.
As mom opened the door, I spoke up. "Maru and I actually got an apartment together in Hollywood." They both snapped their heads back, staring at us. "Yeah.. it was Maruto's idea."
"Man don't lie on me. Mama she said she wanted to move out so she could bring her new little boo thang around-" I punched his shoulder but he simply smirked and puffed his chest. "I eat those."
"Boo thang huh?" My mom said, looking around her new house. "What's your bae's name?"
"Not bae, her girl." Kai added, throwing gas on the flames.
I rolled my eyes with a groan. "She's not my girl, my boo, or bae. She's kinda just.. there." I responded with a shrug. "Her names Normani though."
"What do you mean just there?" Mom continued to pry, now stopping and turning to face me while the boys kept exploring the house. "You better not be playing with this girls feelings-"
"I'm not mama." I huffed before leaning back against the wall, sliding my hands into my pocket. "We're cool. She's not looking for a relationship so we're just vibing." She hummed sarcastically, starting to walk again. "So you like the house?"
"I do, baby. Even though you got your own place, I want you to come visit okay?" I nodded, my arm draping over her shoulder.
"Of course. Who else gonna make some bomb ass chicken for me?" She laughed and patted my stomach. "Not some girl."
"That's right baby." I pecked her cheek before continuing to expire the new house with my mom.
-
First of all, I've never heard of a house warming party. Nor have I ever been to one. I didn't get it; having a new clean house get dirty for a party that's suppose to shed light on your new clean house. The fuck was the point?
That didn't stop Maru from organizing one and having me be completely blindsided by it. Literally, I left to go pick up a check and came back to our place accompanied by at least thirty people.
There was one upside..
"Why do you look so miserable?" Normani asked as she poked my stomach with a smirk. "This is your house."
"I just wanna sleep." I sighed out as I swallowed the last of my apple cider, opting out of Hennessy for tonight. I looked around the area as people walked around, drinking and dancing to music. "Hey.. you wanna go to my room?" I whispered to Normani and she looked over at me, eyebrows raised. "It is my place, only right for you to get a tour of my room."
She snorted but nodded, sitting her drink down and grabbing my hand, walking with me to my room. "ooh the view." She droned out, looking out of the large window that outlooked Hollywood and all its blinking lights.
"Yeah, I gave up the balcony room for this one just because of the window." I kicked off my shoes and set them in the rack before pulling my shirt over my head, then diving onto the bed. Normnaj turned at the sound of rustling, smiling down at me as I leaned back on my elbows. "Come here." I mumbled with a nod.
She slinked to the bed before crawling up, comfortably resting between my legs as she connected our lips. I cupped her cheek before slowly rolling over, now hovering over her as I started to deepen the kiss. But, for some reason, I wasn't in the mood for it. So, I pulled back and stared down at her milky brown eyes. "I wanna nap." I said simply before flipping onto my back and sliding under the covers with my eyes closed.
"That's a first." She said with a soft laugh before sliding under the covered with me, our shoulders touching. "Any particular reason?" I cracked one eye open and saw her already looking at me. "Any.. female reasons?" She added knowingly. "Like.. a special beautiful blasian woman reason-"
"I get it." I said with a chuckle, looking up at the ceiling that had some blue LED light around the edges, giving a nice ambiance. "And I don't know, I mean.. she's Jhené. Everything she does is for the moment, never the future."
"What do you mean?" She asked, turning to face me completely.
"I mean like.." I stopped, trying to get my words correctly without depicting the girl as a compete asshole. "She doesn't plan for the future. Her mindset is that.. nothing tomorrow matters, only the moment you're living does. So I know the decisions she makes in the moment are what she's feeling is right. Like.. making out with me, then sliding into the car with her ex five minutes later. That type of shit."
"Oh.." she breathed out. "Sean?" I nodded. "Have you heard his new song- hang on." She said when I rolled my eyes and looked back at the ceiling. "Have you?"
"I haven't listened to him since I don't fuck with you, so no." She then quickly pulled out her phone and started typing. "I don't wanna hear it, Mani."
"Oh you're gonna wanna hear this." She set the phone on my chest and press play. "Close your eyes and listen." Huffing, but listening, I closed my eyes as the song started.
Yeah, what happens when it's too good to throw away? You either let it go bad or go away
I shook my ass at his fake deep ass, trying to seem relatable. But I kept listening.
I'm single again. Told her we'll be better off friends. Maybe I should just focus on me and slow down, don't rush romance. I'm single again, Blaming you is just so easy but maybe the problem's me
My eyebrows shot up. Does that mean he broke up with her.. again? What a royal guy.
Instead of blaming all my old girls when I leave. Instead of calling up these fake hoes that I don't need. Old relationships turn to new déjà vus. Got me feeling like, "I don't fuck with you"
Ha, there's the song.
Honestly, all the disrespect had damn near ruined me. All the trust gone, seems like all you say is "Prove it to me" And you know I suck at lying, don't, don't do it to me. Maybe 'cause my mama never worked it out with my dad. Maybe 'cause she had insecurities and she had 'em bad. Maybe 'cause single parent love was all I ever had. Who knows.
I'm single again, Guess that's just the way it's gon' be. Maybe I should spend this time on me. Maybe I should spend this cash on me.
I grabbed the phone and paused it, slowly handing it back to her. "Was that Jhené singing the adlibs or am I tripping?"
"No that was her." She said as she locked her phone. "It's weird as hell but I feel like that's their closure.. both singing that they'd be better without one another, you know?"
"Yeah.." I mumbled before letting out a sigh. "Well, good for them for letting that toxic shit go." I trailed my eyes over my roof before waving my hand and laying my arm out. "Nap with me now?"
She giggled, but nodded and rolled into my side, my arm now wrapping around her shoulders. "Don't snore this time."
"Man I don't snore." I said with a huff.
-
"Your snoring got worse I see."
I heard faintly, my sleepy mind not registering it until I felt a cold hand on the back of my neck, my body immediately jolting at the feeling. I cracked my eyes open and looked over to see a weak smiling Jhené.
"Né?" I mumbled huskily, squinting through the dark as she shifted on her weight. "What are you.."
"Can we take a drive? Please?" My eyebrows furrowed but I nodded almost immediately which got a soft nod from her in return before she walked out of my room. The only reason we would take a "drive" back in the day was because she was dealing with something bad bad. The last time was her brothers first birthday after his passing.
I climbed out of the bed after unwrapping myself from Normani, then putting on a black tshirt, followed by an old Long Beach hoodie and my air forces.
Moving over to my closet, I pulled out my thick blanket and shoved it in a backpack, plus some other necessities.
When I walked out of the room, she was leaned against the wall with her arms crossed, her eyes heavy and sad.
"Ready?" I asked softly while pulling on the hoodie. She nodded and I followed her out of the room, careful to be quiet since I knew it was early in the am.
Once we took the silent walk to the elevator, and the even more silent way down, I looked over to see her eyes watering slightly. "Jhené?" I whispered but she shook her head. "Okay."
We made it to the parking structure and I opened the passenger side for her before getting into the drivers seat of my black challenger, starting the car and pulling out of my parking space.
I didn't know where we would go but I felt like she wouldn't want to be in the city particularly, so I headed for the hills.
I wasn't sure what had happened. It could've been the Sean stuff, or something with family. Those were the only two tings I could think of because she didn't really struggle with anything else. Nothing financial.. or physical. I was officially stumped.
I drove to a spot I found out about a few years ago, which I haven't visited in a while, but when I pulled to the closed fence, I huffed at a sign.
"Opens at six thirty.. it's four." I mumbled and looked at Jhené. She was silently staring ahead and that's when I just said fuck it. "Come on." I said as I turned my car off and grabbed my backpack.
"Is closed though." She mumbled.
I shrugged and closed my door, then walking over to open hers. "And?" I reached my hand out to her and she stared at it wearily. So, I crouched down in front of her with a soft smile. "Come on, live in the moment with me right now." I knew that would get her.
She nodded softly before grabbing my hand and allowing me to pull her out of the car.
I pulled on my backpack as I grabbed my pocket flashlight and held it up, inspecting the chain linked fence. It was a a little taller than me, which meant it went way past Jhené's small figure.
"Okay you go up and I'll boost you, okay?" She gave me the most 'the fuck?' look ever and I had trouble keeping in my laugh. "Come on, here." I got down on my knee and held up my clasped hands, motioning her to go.
After a few seconds of reluctance, she finally stepped on my hands, her hand on my shoulder. I lifted her up until she grabbed the top of the fence and pulled herself up. She would've made it if she didn't start to overthink.
"Oh my God- it's too high, Karu." She said, literally sitting at the top with wide eyes. I stood up, dusting off my sweats with a huff.
"Just drop down, its six feet tops." She shook her head quickly. "Né just-"
"No!" She exclaimed, her voice laced with fear. "I can't even see the ground, Hikaru. This is why I don't do this hood ass shit.."
I laughed, shaking my head and pulling off my backpack. "Here." I tossed it up to her. "Put it on."
I then grabbed the holes in the fence and started to climb it with ease, flipping over to the other side but stopping right next to her. "Get on my back." She opened her mouth but I gave her one look and she nodded, slowly teetering over to me. Once she was on my back, I started to climb down before deciding to be an asshole.
"Oh shit!" I exclaimed while letting on hand go and leaning back as if we were falling. She screamed so loud that I was afraid she would alert the damn city. This time I couldn't hold in the laugh.
"I wish I could've seen your face." I laughed out while inching down to ground, my laughter still echoing through the night when she punched my shoulder.
"I hate your annoying ass." She groaned, crossing her arms and starting to walk ahead of me. I turned the light down until she stopped walking, turning back when she realized she didn't know where she was going. I then pointed the flashlight at her and cooed at her annoyed pouting face. "Shut up, negro."
"Don't be like that." I said and pointed the opposite direction of where she was walking. "It's this way, babe." She rolled her eyes and started walking, me snickering as I followed after her.
We walked through the woodsy hiking spot until we reached the top where a clearing was. It outlooked the entire city of Los Angeles, the lights a bright blur. I slowly pulled the backpack off of Jhené's back before she started forward in awe.
"Wow.. how'd you find this place?" She asked, standing a few feet away from the cliff.
I was spreading the blanket out on the ground, stopping at the question. "Um.." She looked back at my absence of words. "When I was eighteen.. I didn't feel like being in Long Beach because of uh something so I just drove until I reached here."
"What something?" I looked back down when her footsteps drew closer to me.
Once she settled on the blanket, I looked up with a small smile. "When we broke up." Her eyes flooded with guilt but she never looked away. "I just wanted out. I guess.. I couldn't stand being in that city at the moment."
"Yeah.." she trailed off, silence engulfing us. I dropped my eyes back to the blanket before clearing my throat.
"Anyways, that's the past. We're here now." I reached into my backpack and pulled out my favorite spread. Hennessy, some papers and Haze, and a bag of sour patch kids. "So, I did some research.. sour patch kids are fucking vegan."
She giggled softly with a nod. "They are."
"So dope." I mumbled before zipping up my backpack. "Anyways yeah I guess we can eat something together." I opened up the bag and set it in between us before I cracked open the Hennessy bottle and took a swig.
I offered it to her and she nodded, grabbing it and taking her own sip.
As I started to grind the Haze, sprinkling it into the Raw papers, she spoke up. "I feel lost." I stopped and looked up, watching as she watched the sky with the bottle clutched between her fingers. "I use to look up at the sky and feel.. safe. Now, I don't know."
I knew this was one of her moments where she didn't want input. She just wanted to talk, so I respected it and continued to roll the blunt.
"I don't understand anything anymore and that's something I haven't felt with since... since.." I nodded comfortingly as she sighed. "Since when Miyagi died." I then placed the blunt between my lips but never lit it, simply listening to her. "I want to cry, scream, throw something but all I can do lately is lay in bed and stare at nothing."
Once she was silent for a few moments, I grabbed the blunt and spoke up. "Jhené do you think that you may be.. depressed?" She looked at me with furrowed eyebrows. "I know you seek spiritual guidance and try to keep everything about peace and a happy state of mind but maybe.. maybe in turn with that you've suppressed everything."
"Like pushed it down?" She questioned and I nodded. "Maybe.."
"I'm not saying that being at peace haven't helped, I can tell it does. But also with that you have to be aware of your feelings. Like.. the Sean thing.." That's when her eyes adverted. "You love him, I see that. He hurt you and it's killing you." Her bottom lip quivered but I knew it was what she needed to hear. "That shit is nothing to hold in, Né, feel it. Feeling will only make you stronger."
And that did it.
Her head drop as she let out a sob, her head shaking. "Karu.."
"It's okay." I set the blunt down before scooting over, pulling her into my chest as I wrapped my arms around her tightly. "Let it out, Jhené, don't hold that shit in." She cried into my chest and clutched my shirt between her fingers as her body shook, everything seeming to come out in that moment.
And I held her the entire time.
I knew it from the moment I saw her in the studio that her glow was dim. It was still there but it wasn't as bright as I knew it use to be. And that's because she was holding everything in.
Yeah she practiced peace and 'Hakuna Matata' but with that shit, you also have to let yourself feel. She wasn't doing that. She turned it into staying happy and carefree but that's not what it was. It was feeling, letting the feeling build you, then learning from it.
"Jhené you've gotta let yourself hurt. You hurt, you learn, then you let go. That's the process of life." I whispered into her ear, pressing a soft kiss to her forehead.
"Okay.. thank you." She whispered back before pulling away, wiping her face with a huff. I watched quietly as she grabbed the rolled blunt and placed it between her lips, leaning forward when I lifted the lighter and lit the end. A sniff filled the air, followed by an exhausted puff of air.
I then grabbed the bottle and took a swig with a watchful eye on her as she looked up, slowly letting the smoke leave her lungs and get lost in the night air.
As she took another inhale, she suddenly looked at me with curious eyes. I looked back. "Come with me."
"Where to?" I questioned before grabbing a sour patch kid and tossing it into my mouth.
"Hawaii." My eyes bugged out and she giggled. "That dream house wasn't just my dream.. remember?" I continued to stare at her, apprehensive to answer but when she scooted closer while cupping my face with her hands, her eyes sparkling with a hint of red (Either from the weed or from her tears? I couldn't tell), I was ready to go wherever she wanted.. "How can I convince you to come with me?" She whispered.
Though I didn't need much convincing, my eyes dropped to her lips for a millisecond but she caught it. I watched as she smiled softly, then nodded. "Okay.." I swallowed thickly when she closed her eyes and leaned forward, lips barely ghosting over mine. But I didn't kiss first, I was letting her make the move this time. And she did.
She pressed her lips to mine and I closed my eyes with a content sigh, my arms sliding up around and up her sides, smoothing the baggy sweater. My heart sped up slightly but before I could fully get into it, I had to know. So, I pulled back for a second and stared at her eyelids until her brown eyes shined again. "Will you regret this tomorrow?" I whispered. She crossed her arms around my neck, her head shaking. "Say it."
"I don't like to think about tomorrow..." I sighed and started to pull away but she only pulled me closer. "But I can tell you that tomorrow's feelings will be no different than right now's feeling."
And that was all I needed. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against hers as I took in her earthy aroma. "When do we leave for Hawaii?" I mumbled softly.
She mumbled back, "Now."
__
any predictions about what's gonna happen in Hawaii 👀
Alllssoooo
them dimples gonna kill me one day yo 😭