Even though my last thoughts I had before I fell asleep were about Erwin and our secret, my dreamland was invaded by no one else but Levi. Again and again, I relived the hot and unrestrained night we shared to celebrate his early arrival.
My common sense said Bye that moment and all I cared about was to feel as much of him, as close to me as possible.
And Levi gave it to me. Hard, fast, and rough.
Even rougher as I would like it in one special case: That fucking bastard actually bit me!
I woke up a few times in the night, every 1 to 2 hours or so because I was laying on my wounded shoulder and it stung like hell, so I had to turn on the other side. What wasn't so easy, since Levi clung to me like a tick. Whenever I woke up, he was there, spooning with me or holding me tight to his body from the front, his calm face always close to mine or deeply buried in my neck. I couldn't tell if he was awake or not. He didn't move when I changed position, nor did his breath hitch or anything else. He breathed low and steady as if he was a little boy in his mother's arms.
How could I be mad seeing him like this whilst knowing that there was a time where such moments were out of question.
Physical wounds will heal in no time, and before I even know it, the mark will be gone again. Mental wounds mostly never do. They will get smaller, suppressed or repressed by other things that weight bigger, happier and who claim the main part of your mind and soul, but the scars will never fade completely.
What hurt someone's soul will always be present and show up in the most unexpected moments to torment us, remind us what once was and what shook our entire being up for all eternity.
But...If you count to the lucky dozens on earth that were able to find the special someone to mend your heart and make life enjoyable again, then you've hit the jackpot.
So did I. And Levi as well. I tend to forget that we needed each other for more than just love, more than just sex and closeness. Somehow, I felt that there was an invisible string that connected us. I was there for him when he vented to me what happened to him on the battlefield, and I listened. I never judged him for what happened, nor did I ever blame him or Erwin for the orders made.
I was just there, enduring his offending and harsh words that tried to push me away for good while his body screamed with all might for comfort and forgiveness, and in the end, I stayed.
In return, he listened to my long story about the one I used to love and who dumped me so mercilessly, only to be the first one to claim my virginity. The ten years of loneliness and anxiety that something like this might happen again, didn't mean a thing to Levi. He understood and gave me everything I needed to feel safe and comfortable, without pushing me into a direction I don't want.
I had never believed that there's a man is existing that'd understand my misery and I already accepted the fate of ending up alone without the experience of true love, but I was mistaken.
Levi and I, we both are not just lovers: We're soulmates.
We were meant to be together. Or at least that's the way I feel about our bond. That's my inner Disney princess talking, I know, but I can't think of a better explanation.
The moment when he came back and when we were together again, I felt this as well, and I keep asking myself:
What is it that pulls me towards Erwin that much?
It's not the same connection I share with Levi, that's for sure, but I feel a powerful force that makes my mind go numb and my body act on its own when he's close to me. Everything inside me craves for his touch, his closeness. I can't fathom what magic he possesses that makes me act like a crushing teenager around him. I can only go by the existing facts, that are: Erwin is kind. So damn kind and sweet that my teeth get cavities from it. On the other hand, that man is hiding such an incredible passion and desire beneath that cheeky smile that my knees get weak by just thinking of it. It was just a short and forbidden moment when I saw and felt it, but it was so intense that I undoubtedly wanted more. I wanted to know more about him, what deep abyss he's hiding beneath that handsome face, what dark secrets are lurking underneath that blonde hair.
The more I think of it, I've never really seen him outraged, or nervous, flustered, anxious. All the emotions that make a human....well, human.
It's like he's wearing a mask for some unknown reason, and no one is allowed to look past it. Not even me.
Then I suddenly remember the day when we went dancing for the first time. When he told me about what happened to him and Levi on the battlefield, and I saw him shed tears, it was as if I could look past his mask to see his true colors behind it for the first time. For a brief moment, I saw a vulnerable man before me who still suffers from the past events and decided to shut off his heart. Maybe that's why I'm so into Erwin. I want to know the kind of human he is, his true colors. I want to understand him, be there for him in the same way I am for Levi.
Damn...since when did I become a psychiatrist? Strange to what kind of thoughts I'm capable of thanks to a sleepless night...
Erwin and I share a very great portion of common sense, like our love for sweet food, dirty jokes, the same shows on TV and so much more. Whenever I need cuddles, innocent kisses without bad or lewd ulterior motives, he was the one and only for me.
With Levi, I couldn't lay or sit in his lap for 10 minutes without his hands wandering up and down my body slowly to test the waters and get me in the mood for him. In 95% of such cases, it will always hit home.
Not that I mind, though. In the end, I was happy and fully satisfied, but it was very exhausting too.
Not so with Erwin. It wasn't just the fact that he wasn't allowed to be with me in a more sensual way that pulls us to each other so fucking much. When I say I don't want something, he won't go any further. If I come to him on my own for a hug, he will give me exactly that and nothing more. Erwin made enough mistakes in the young past to read and understand me, but it was a twisted matter of unlucky circumstances that led us to the situation we're in, but was his true self acting whenever we had our moments or just the mask that tells him so?
No matter what the answer is: I wanna be near him no matter the cost, but I fear the price will be too high to pay.
I'm living in constant fear right now that Levi will find out, that he will look past my mask and ask what's wrong or what's bothering me, and that all will be over in the blink of an eye, the bubble with my happy world inside, popped.
Just now, I recognize what great favor I owe Erwin for taking this burden from me to tell him first.
While I laid awake for the......god knows the umpteenth time, all these thoughts and even more possible scenarios plaguing my mind, I didn't felt when I fell asleep again. All I knew was, that I woke up again with a feeling of dread and cold.
And while I blinked my eyes awake and looked around, I knew why:
Levi was gone from the bed!
With a sharp gasp and hectic pats on his side, I rose into seating, looking around my room. It was early noon and already bright outside, judging from the daylight that blinked inside from underneath the curtains.
Levi's side of the bed was cold, our clothes that he threw around the last night, gone.
I wanted to get up and look around the apartment for a sign of Levi, but the moment I set one foot on the floor, I heard the handle clicking, the door slowly and silently sliding open before a raven-haired head came in sight.
"Good morning, darling. Finally, you're awake. I already thought I went too far yesterday, but I once more underestimated your strength." He greeted me with his warm and kind voice and I couldn't stop staring at him in awe.
For a long moment, our eyes stay locked like this, until I finally noticed that just his head was peeking through the door.
"It's okay. I'm fine, I guess. Let me get up and-"
"There's no need to. Stay in bed. I....prepared something for you. Close your eyes."
"You're kidding." I deadpanned, tilting my head in disbelieve as a sharp click with his tongue told me he was deadly serious, the roll of his eyes adding to this fact.
"Just...do as I say. Will you, please?"
Wow...if he goes like this, then it must be important. I settled in bed again, sitting cross-legged underneath the duvet and, just as he told, closed my eyes with a deep inhale.
I had a feeling that he felt bad about what he did to me and that he was trying to make it up somehow.
I heard him opening the door, the loud slam of the hard wood against the concrete wall with a sharp curse making me giggle. I heard him enter the room, slow and careful steps towards me, and my curiosity grew with each move.
Soon, I heard the subtle clattering of porcelain and then, something heavy was gently thrust into my lap.
"Now open your eyes."
What I saw before me, made my heart melt into a gooey puddle. Levi had made breakfast for me. In bed!
From the steaming cup of green tea, over the warm, buttered toast with jam and honey in separate little bowls, to the lovely red rose he'd put on the side of the tray. It was perfect.
Yeah...he's SO not feeling sorry...
"Oh, Levi...that's wonderful. Thank you." Levi sat down on the edge of the bed, reaching out with his hand to cup my cheek with his warm hand to stroke it with his thumb.
"No need to thank me. It's my pleasure. When you're done, a warm bath will be waiting for you, accompanied by a glass of sweet white wine. Just the way you like it."
"But...Levi. We already bathed last night. Why again?" He put his finger on my lips to shush me while he scooted closer to my side. I couldn't look away from this marble-like eyes that directly looked into mine with so much adoration that I was a fawning mess before him.
Soon, his finger was replaced by his soft lips. Without noticing it, I let him guide my head towards him as he leaned in to let our mouths melt into each other. I was captivated by the magic that these stormy irises possessed over me and I complied to their will without fighting.
With closed eyes, I felt our lips moving sensually, silent smacking sounds filling the room while his warm hands held my face tenderly.
Too soon, the warm, tingling feeling faded when our lips parted.
"One bath more won't hurt. Just...let me take care of you today, alright? All you have to do today is to get pampered by me. Understood?"
Wow...What has Levi planned for today? Was this all for making it up to me?
I can say, if he's sucking up, then he's doing it properly and without restraints. Why not giving in to this? Who knows when such a chance will come again? And I'm curious what a regretful Levi is capable of...
Smiling at Levi, I took one of his hands from my cheek, kissing into his palm and cuddling into it, not daring to break eye contact with my man. There's no chance that I'm going to miss the gentle smile on his lips while watching me being all cuddly and affectionate to him.
"As you wish, love. Then I shall follow your orders and see what fate has planned for me today."
Levi huffed a laugh through his nose before retreating, patting my head.
"Fate has no strings to pull here. It's all me you're going to follow today. And I have plenty in store for you. Eat up. I prepare the bath."
With that, he stood up from the bed and left me alone. I grinned satisfied under my nose while shoving the first bite of buttered toast into my mouth. If I get this treatment whenever he bites me, then I willingly end up as his chewing toy.
A little later I heard the gushing water from the bathroom that tells me that Levi is running the bath for me. It's been so long I bathed that much, but I think I can make an exception.
I was done with my toast by now and reveled in the fresh and invigorating taste of the green tea Levi made for me. I can't remember owning a sort like this. Or green tea at all.
I'm more into black tea. Strong, black tea with a little pour of milk. What brings me to the conclusion that Levi had brought this other tea with him from London, what wouldn't be a surprise, though. British people are known to be tea lovers. Maybe he found a good shop over there and went crazy with shopping. Who knows?
Whatever the reason might be, the tea tastes fucking delicious. I always thought green tea tastes bitter. I can tell that Levi didn't put sugar in here, but even without that, the tea had a subtly sweet and floral aftertaste. It was intriguing. He was undoubtedly the best when it comes to tea, no matter the sort.
Here I was sitting, leaned back against the backrest and slurping my tea with a stupid grin when I saw the door sliding open again, the same onyx-colored head looking around the corner like before.
"You're done, darling? Bath is ready." I have to admit, I like this rather shy and submissive attitude. Sure, it's out of character for him. Levi, the man who never asks twice and never repeats himself, who takes what he wants by making his partner weak with nothing but a simple gaze and who can break a man's arm or jaw with ease. Levi bears such incredible power in body and mind alike, that no one would ever dare to mess with him, but now, he'd turned into a nice, little boy who got caught at committing a crime.
With the last gulp, the little puddle that was left from the tea was gone, and I placed the mug and tray aside, turning around to put both feet on the ground to raise from the bed.
I grinned at Levi before I gripped the hem of my slip, pulling above the mounts of my hips and ass to let it fall down my legs with ease. Kicking it aside, I watched Levi as he leaned against the doorframe with folded arms, wearing the same grin on his face like me.
~You asked for it, handsome fucker.~
Flooded by a sudden boldness, I reached for my shirt with both hands, slowly pulling it up my body, letting the soft cotton caress my thighs, stomach breast, but when I was close to pulling it over my head, I froze completely, a loud and sharp hiss filling the former sensual silence.
By raising my hurt shoulder, hot, white pain shot through my entire body that made me forget all lewd thoughts I had moments before. Before I could think about how to get out of this painful situation, I felt a strong yank on my shirt and in a matter of milliseconds, I was bare naked, my shirt tossed across the room when Levi rushed by my side.
Very slowly, I lowered my arms, holding my wound over the piece of gauze in hope to ease my distress.
Levi put both hands on my cheeks to make me look at him, his face filled with worry.
"Come. Let me help you." He said softly, offering me the way and switching to my side by wrapping one arm around my waist. I nodded in silent agreement and let him guide me to the bathroom.
When Levi opened the door, I felt my jaw hit the floor. He had hung a dark towel before the window to darken the room, only to light it up again with dozens of candles that lazily danced in the little breeze from the movements we made.
"Levi...I...You...Wow." I was at loss of words as my eyes scanned the romantic environment in awe. The low chuckle from behind me told me that Levi had known that I would react like this...but who cares?
He had outdone himself in every possible way.
"Don't just stand and stare, brat. Move you're fine ass inside that fucking tub. But before that..." Levi took my arms to turn me around, facing him, where he laid his hands on my bandage. One tape after another, he carefully removed the gauze from the wound, until the mark beneath came to daylight. It looked bad. I mean, REALLY, really bad.
The stigmas where his teeth broke through my skin, were covered by hard, blood-red crust, the skin around them colored in the deepest blue and lilac I ever saw. Not even when I ran into a sharp edge of a table or cardboard left such a bad mark behind.
With a gentle push on my hip, Levi directed me towards the tub. I know he felt bad about it. The silence that fell upon us when I kept staring at the mark proved it.
I sighed and forced myself to look somewhere else but my shoulder before I finally entered the inviting warm water. As the warmth embraced me, the bubbles caressing my skin the deeper I dipped in, I slowly began to relax again.
"Turn around, babe." Levi ordered oh so softly, and I obeyed, until my head was towards the open end of the tub, from where I only could sit upright, so my shoulder won't touch the soapy water.
When I settled in my new position, I watched as Levi rolled up his sleeves before he knelt behind me, taking an empty glass and dunking it underwater.
"Lean a little forward, will you?" Again, I followed his warm words and obeyed. Soon, I felt the warm liquid trailing down my back, over and over again, relaxed sighs leaving my mouth with every new pour of water. Levi was extra careful on my wound, paying attention not to empty the whole load on the wound, going over it bit by bit. It stung and burned at the beginning and I flinched whenever the water hit my broken skin, my hisses replaced by rumbling groans from the pain.
My first thought was wrong. If I have to deal with this every time, no matter how sweet and comforting Levi acts now, maybe becoming a chewing toy to him isn't the best idea.
The palm of his hand stroked soothingly over my back until I nodded an 'Okay' for him to continue.
"Lean your head back a bit." Doing as he said, I looked at the ceiling first, but when I felt Levi pouring the warm water over my head, soaking my hair, I closed my eyes by reflex, enjoying the warmth it brought. I heart the POP of a bottle opening and I didn't have to open my eyes to know that Levi was about to wash my hair.
The moment when his long and skilled fingers raked over my scalp, another appreciative groan left my mouth.
With slow, gentle and big, circular movements, I felt his fingers scratching over my head, and I leaned into his touch to feel more of it, the sound of the foam building, bubbles popping filled my ears.