It begins as quiet murmurs, their muffled speech making no sense as she fought her way through the dense fog which gets thicker the farther she walks. She is in a forest, and it is dark. Coarse branches marr her hands with tiny scratches as they reach out blindly against the darkness of the mist. The voices become closer, louder, but their words don't sound like anything but a jumbled mess, like the wiry mess of confusion Charlie Brown has in the speech bubbles above his head.
Lisa didn't have Charlie Brown speech bubbles. What she did have was a head so congested with confused turmoil, she was fighting within herself, she needed to find her way through the fog and make her way towards the muffled voices. Lisa could feel him before she heard him. She felt the slight pressure of hands on hers, and the way their fingers weaved through hers massaging the tension now seeping out through her fingertips....and then she hears him.
The soft masculine sounds of humming pulling her out of the fog towards a bright light. Her eyelids are heavy and she tries to raise a hand to shield the brightness but her efforts are in vain. The humming turns to words as he continues massaging her finger tips. Gathering herself to try again she opens her eyes and she sees him. She watches his lips moves slowly barely moving as he continues to sing her through the fog, but he stops at her small movement, shifting his eyes to look at her with a slight look of surprise etched into them.
Attempting to swallow with a dry mouth she croaks out a few words before sleep takes hold of her again.
"Oppa..."
Squeezing his hands as much as she could with what little strength she had, Lisa whispers a sleepy,
"Gomowayo oppa. I heard you." as her eyelids closing again as sleep takes over, and the dream continues.
Wondering further into the dense forest fear and anxiety grows as her feet keep moving to no end in no particular direction. Moving a little quicker towards the voices her hands are waving in frantic motions fighting the fog in front of her, surrounding her, she was lost and she couldn't hear or see anything. Questions running through her head she presses forward.
Where is Jungkook?
Is that him calling my name?
Is he trying to find me?
Where am I?
I'm here!!!!! I'm right here!!!!!
Jjjuuunnnnnngggkkkoooookkkk!!!!!!! Where are you??!!!
Please help me Kookie....
Feeling frantic and lost, frustrated that the fog seemed to enjoy teasing her coiling itself through her fingers, her hair and around her body. Lisa's feet stumble and she falls to her knees, hands splayed out in front of her gripping fistfuls of dirt as she sobs, she can hear the voices are much closer now but still jumbled.
Suddenly the muffled voices stop and an empty silence takes over as the fog before her slowly fades away revealing a stone bench, and Jungkook is there sitting alone looking out towards the nothing. The figure of a woman slowly takes form in front of him, her face small and white, her dark red lips turned up into a beguiling smile and he smiles back at her. She is achingly beautiful.
Her stomach drops at the sight before her and she finds herself standing on shaky legs, making her way towards the silent couple she calls his name.
"Kook?"
"Kook?"
"Kookie....."
The silent Jungkook doesn't seem to hear her as his lips curve into a smile, glancing at the beautiful red lipped woman. The knot in her chest growing as she reaches out to run a hand along his cheek. He is beautiful and she wills herself to stop but she can't resist as her fingers make their way to his soft red lips, running the pad of her thumb along his lips, but he doesn't feel her ghost like touch, he doesn't see her tears and he doesn't see her heart.
Her hand pauses at the corner of his mouth when his thoughts suddenly pierced her head with a loud whisper.
It is her! Iu-ssi sunbae.....she is beautiful!!
The fog builds in strength, her emotions running wild as she hears her name, the other woman's name. His Iu. Everything comes flooding back to her, his words, his actions, his adoration of her; of Iu. The blackness of the fog threatens to suck her into its black void, and the pain returns gaining strength from all her insecurities bred from his words and the pain he'd caused. The shy smiles exchanged between the two, the fleeting looks they shoot each other when one looks away turning the invisible knife in her heart just a little deeper.
The fog clears and the shadows move out from the darkness of the mist taunting her with images of Jungkook, her beloved with another woman; his Iu. The visions become unbearable to watch as feelings of jealousy, insecurity and betrayal floods her mind. Reaching out to chase the fog away her hands flail in all directions in wild frantic motions and the visions disappear for a moment only to return almost immediately.
Memories of her fight with Jungkook flooding back to her; everything comes back. Their fight, the break up, the tears, the heartache and her heart lying in pieces in the parking lot of the cafe. The memories make her scream in a silent wail her arms still moving frantically against the fog running as fast as she possibly can, her mind going crazy.
"No Jungkook! I'm not a stand in girlfriend....
"I'm not..."
Suddenly there is a warm pressure on her hands and the humming returns with her song, only his song can pull her out from the darkness as his singing comes through loud and clear.
For me it was
An especially cold, freezing kind of day
Another year had been passed
As if it had forgotten about me, on the night
You were standing in front of me by accident
It was like a ray of light for me
Nobody would come see
The dark sky of mine
You became a little star
And lighted it up bright
At the end of the winter
I met you who became the spring
Oh miracle, for me, it's such a
Miraculous thing
Ever since you came here
This winters not cold as it used to be anymore
Because I have you
Who is looking at me yeah
The cruel shadow of the images begin to fade and disappear as his voice continues to sing away the sadness in her heart. Their silent conversation and the shy glances are gone, her mind settles down no longer tortured by visions of the two lone figures. She knows there isn't much strength left in her body and she feels herself sinking further into the darkness as sleep claims her yet again as she clutches his hand.
JB is relieved to feel her body relax as Lisa's breathing becomes normal. The only traces of her inner turmoil leaves a wet trail under her lashes as his other hand wipes away tears that fell from behind her closed eyes.
Did she really have to suffer in her dreams as well? Jungkook you are the proverbial idiot! He thinks to himself, grabbing tissues from the side table to further dry her tears that seemed to have stop, the softness of her cheeks are pale and still, as he makes a silent promise to the sleeping girl to never let her cry alone ever again.
It is a few hours after the boys had arrived when Lisa wakes again and she can feel the same presence in the room next to her. A heavyweight is felt beside her thigh and something warm is holding her hand. The room is dark apart from the white glow of the light above her head casting a warm glow onto Lisa and the head of dark fluff laying on her edge of the bed, his head resting beside his hand that was holding hers in a soft grip.
Her eyes move across the darkened room and the large bouquet of Pink Roses sitting inside a fancy vase beside her bed; they were her favourite. Confusion takes over as she wonders where she is, unable to remember how she got there after JB had taken her back to the dorm. The last thing she remembered was closing her eyes to take a short nap on the sofa and now she was in a bed.
A hospital bed? She thinks to herself.
What am I doing here?
"Oppa."
"Jaebeom oppa." She says weakly.
Lisa looks at the soft waves of hair flopping over his eyes, and the straight bridge of his nose. His lips were slightly parted and a quiet snore breaks her stare. How long had he been there? She thinks to herself.
"Oppa."
Moving her hand out of his takes the little strength she has. Lisa gently placed it on his head to wake the sleeping man.
"Oppa!" She croaks a little louder.
Her lips curving into a tiny smile as he slowly wakes to shake his head, wiping the nonexistent drool from his mouth and chin. He is with her again and it's becoming a habit, a welcome one and she is grateful that he is there with her, because when she was a little girl she had gone to the local market with an older cousin and somehow they were separated. Lisa was lost for a few minutes until her cousin had quickly found her crouched huddling her knees and crying alone in the spot where they had separated. The experience had left a scar in her childhood memories and since then has never liked being alone in unfamiliar places.
JBs hand stills on his chin when he realised it wasn't holding onto hers. Turning surprised eyes towards her, a hand reaches up to hold the mop of hair blocking his view. A small smile and a look of relief spreads across his face responding to hers.
"You're awake?" He murmurs quietly as he turns around to quickly wipe his mouth and eyes, tucking in his shirt and straightening his jacket before turning back to face her. Smoothing the blankets down around her legs and tucking the sheets under the mattress he stands back.
"Bam was here too, I um... I actually came with him but he had to leave earlier than expected. But he did say if you woke to tell you to get better soon and buy him a meal for making him worry." He states, he didn't want her to think he had come on his own, they weren't close friends but acquaintances but he acknowledged to himself that he'd like to be close friends, like her and Bam, he'd like that very much.
Lisa doesn't say anything as she nods a reply, eyes closing momentarily against the light in the room.
"Is it too bright?" He asks and she nods again.
"Oh I'm sorry, let me just...." standing he moves closer to her and reaches out to the dial on the wall behind her and she is relieved when her eyes are able to adjust better. Taking a seat beside her again he looks at her tired expression as she speaks.
"Gomowo oppa." Lisa whispers opening her eyes a little wider to look at him.
"How are you feeling Lisa? You've been asleep for a couple days now. Everyone was worried." He finishes, in his head he continued Even me.
"Where am I?" She asks.
"The hospital. Your eonnies found you unconscious with a fever at your dorm."
"I don't remember oppa, only that I was tired."
"I'm really sorry Lisa. I didn't know you were very sick or else I would have brought you straight here and not to your home. I'm really sorry Lisa-ssi." JB whispers with regret, having felt guilty that he didn't see the warning signs.
Reaching out her hand to him, JB looks at her slender fingers before taking them into his own. Her hand is warm and her skin is smooth, he thinks to himself, her hand is warm, her skin smooth and she is ok. The guilt he has felt since Bam left had filled him with regret as thoughts of about Lisa very sick and all alone, and what if her members hadn't returned until the following day?
Reading his thoughts Lisa gently squeezed his hands, drawing his attention as she looks at him in the dim glow of the hospital light, her eyes open and honest as Lisa replies,
"I had a bad dream."
"I was in a forest and it was dark. I couldn't see anything in front of me. Just smoke, like....like a fog."
"It was so dark....." whispering against the onslaught of memories Lisa continues.
"I saw them again. In my dream." Her eyes begin to shine.
The waves in her chest are small but she presses on, her eyes looking ahead at nothing, "I touched him but he couldn't feel me. It was a dream right oppa?".
JB could barely make out what Lisa was saying, her words coming out in tiny whispers. When she stares blankly ahead he sees her eyes beginning to take on the tell tale sign, so he shuffles the seat closer to the bed and squeezes her hand letting her know she wasn't alone.
Her fingers lay limp in his hand as she becomes lost in the visions playing with her head, the scene repeating itself over and over mocking her insecurities as the tears begin to roll down her cheeks in slow lines.
"Am I not enough?" Lisa cries
"Am I not worth it oppa?" Her impassioned pleas sending her into overdrive, her throat choking her in a cough, her free hand clutching at her throat as her tears fall a little faster.
JB immediately jumps from his seat pouring Lisa a glass of cold water from the small refrigerator on the kitchenette benchtop. Holding her head steady with one hand he carefully places the glass to her lips, "Small sips Lisa...that's it, good girl." His stomach drops having to witness her bare the painful memories from that night again.
"Feel better?"
"Maybe you should get more rest Lisa, I will be here or your eonnies." JBs concerned that she is still weak, but Lisa doesn't hear him and she can't stop.
"Is this what love is really like?"
"To be with someone but also liking someone else?"
"Did I not matter to him? To us?"
With a broken heart Lisa sobs, "Did he....did he love me oppa?"
Feeling uncertain that he was the best person for her to open up to at that moment but it was just the two of them and well into the evening. Her members had dropped in to see her but were pleasantly surprised to see him there, that if she woke she'd have someone with her.
They left soon after with a promise from Jisoo that she would return later that evening to relieve him of his watch. Jennie and Rosie had offered to return instead, both missing their maknaes goofiness. The dorm has been very quiet without Lisa and they were missing her laughter around the dorm. Jisoo however was adamant to return herself, Lisa was the youngest and considered her to be her baby whom she had co-raised with Lisa's parents since the day she entered the YG building as a tall skinny female trainee and short boy cut hair with a huge megawatt smile.
JB took a peek at the fancy gold rimmed clock on the wall. At best he had another 30min to an hour tops before a Jisoos arrival. Returning to his seat he decides to speak with an open honesty, he didn't want to see her upset any longer than she had been.
"Yes Lisa, I believe he does. Very much."
"Does? Do you think he still loves me?." She cries.
"Ofcourse he does, who wouldn't? You are an amazing girl...woman...you are an amazing woman Lisa."
"You are kind, and you are caring and gentle. You are generous, humble and being mean or nasty is not part of your DNA. I think you are trustworthy, very hard working and loyal to a fault, but you wear your heart on your sleeve and sometimes people with a beautiful soul like you can afford to be a little selfish every now and then and put yourself ahead of others." Staring directly into her eyes he finishes with a purpose behind his words, "And I hope that very soon you take some of that selfishness that you don't have, to put yourself first and find your miracle." Secretly hoping she would pick up on the reference.
With tears and raw emotions rolling off her body in steady waves, Lisa nods, with the realisation that she never really thought of herself as important enough to put herself first let alone being anybody's first.
"How do I thank you for everything you have done for me oppa?."
"The only thanks I need is you getting better so I can take you out for a meal. Deal?"
"Ok, deal." Her smile sends the sleeping butterflies in his stomach into floating sensation, and that makes him happy. Her eyes seem to want to ask him something but she looks away slightly embarrassed.
"Bam talks about you a lot and the rest I picked up on my own from YouTube videeooooss......" a deep red blush quickly rises and JB tries not to stutter further. He'd just admitted that he's watched videos about her, and he wished for the floor to open wide and swallow him whole. Lisa smiles through his embarrassment, at his own body's betrayal of admission.
"Hey um, I bought you some Roses, they're pink." Shifting the vase to the coffee table in front of the fancy sofa where Lisa could see them within her line of vision from the bed.
His warm kindness is felt as she replies, "Pink Roses are my favourite flower. Do you know what they mean?"
"Yes, I do know." He responds shyly.
For the next hour they both settle into a comfortable slow paced conversation covering music, art their pets and their love of photography. Throughout their conversation JB fails numerous attempts at getting Lisa to rest, "I've been asleep for two days you said oppa, trust me, I'm fine." reassuring him she would let him know if she got tired. For now she was simply grateful that he was distracting her from thinking about Jungkook, and she found herself enjoying JBs company, a lot.
It wasn't long after another interruption from JB to rest when the door burst open followed by the boisterous chit chatter of her Winner & Ikon oppas.
"Hey! Bobby I told you to slow down what if she's sleeping man?" Han-bin growls.
"Nah she's awake see?!" Skipping into the room coming to a stop when he sees Lisa's visitor.
"Oh JB hyung, anyeonghasayo!" The young men greet him, puzzled as to why a JYP idol was doing with Lisa. They only knew of Bam being her closest friend from Got7 so they were a little mystified. JB returns the greeting and nervously stands to the side giving the new visitors room to surround her bed.
"Hey, I'm going to go first Lisa. It's getting late and I have some work to do in the studio." He lied, there was nothing pressing that couldn't wait for another day. He just needed to leave because his conversation with Lisa had made the butterflies float higher from his stomach to his chest and he had no clue how to make them stop. Especially when she smiled in a way that made her lips seem fuller.
"Um...I didn't know where to put your brush so I left it over there." Pointing to where it laid.
"Ok oppa," says making Bobby's eyebrows almost touch his hairline. His eyes shoot to Mino and Han-bin all thinking the same thing that clearly meant; Oppa? Since when? "Thankyou again," touching her wavy untangled bangs, "I will talk to you soon."
Not a second passes upon JBs exit when the boys all speak at the same time.
"Do you know all of Got7? I thought it was just Bam?"
"Hey squirt how ya doing.?" Says June
"We heard you were sick from big boss man, you ok now.?" Questions Bobby
"Why didn't you tell us?" Han-Bin asks
Down to Hoons, "Who's legs do I have to break and would you mind if I broke a finger or two while I'm at it?."
"I'm not joking Lisa. We know about the scandal and we've all seen the pictures."
Lisa sits quiet, eyes welling up again.
"The offer still stands."
He had always been particularly close to Lisa, she was the best female gamer he knew and had a lot of respect for the young Thai. She joined YG as a scrawny teen, had dealt with some pretty nasty social issues but whenever they met for a battle over the latest game release she never showed any signs of being affected. For that he admired her tenacity.
Suddenly a burly wide set nurse storms into the room pointing a finger at the group of young men crowded around Lisa's bed.
"What did I say to you hhmmm? Three people at a time. ONE. TWO. THREE. My eyes are counting ELEVEN!. If there is still eleven of you in here by the time I count to five then you can all leave. Understood?!" She threatens.
"But we are her friends and we just...." Mino attempts to say.
"And I am her nurse, unless you are a qualified medical practitioner or a nurse you can stay. If not, there are chairs outside this door," and she continues her countdown, "one...two...three..." glaring at them with a watchful eye as they all file out into the corridor awaiting their turn, leaving only Bobby, Mino and Hoonie with Lisa.
Once the others have left to wait their turn in the corridor Bobby takes the seat JB had occupied earlier, his tall lanky body lazily leaning into the seat, Mino grabs the spare sitting vacant by the window and Hoonie sits on the end of the bed.
Lisa can feel their eyes on her waiting for her to speak not wanting to push her. "I'm sorry I didn't call you. I'm fine, really I am. It's just a small pneumonia."
"That's not something small Lisa. Pneumonia is not a small thing you could've gotten really sick, but I'm glad you are here." Says Mino with worried eyes.
"Hheeeyyy why are you crying? Don't cry Lisa. Is everything ok?" Awks Hoonie, this soft side of Lisa he has never seen, and he doesn't like it. None of them do.
The foursome are oblivious to the new visitor who entered the room with a stealth like quietness that took them by surprise, catching them all off guard.
"Hey Munchkin?"
"Yoongi oppa..."
The three men rise from their seats bowing to their senior as the pint sized rapper bows a greeting in return.
Fear enters Lisa's eyes as she looks at the door hoping that Yoongi came alone. She didn't want an all out confrontation between her YG oppas and Jungkook. In fact, she didn't want to see him at all. JB made her feel safe and the boys from YG protected her like a steel wall of armour, she didn't want Jungkook to get anywhere near her right now. She wanted to be alone to heal and learn to put herself first; like JB had suggested. She needed distance, but how far did she need to go? Thailand? France? Europe?
"Don't worry, Lisa, it's just me. No one else knows you're here but me." Yoongi finishes with a genuine smile.
The comfortable silence from before had just become uncomfortable as the three boys eye up the pint sized underground rapper from BTS.