The day of the funeral~
I stare at myself in the mirror as I sit at my vanity, barely recognising the person staring back. My eyes are dark, vacant looking, I feel like a shell of myself, barely a person. Mason has been texting ever since I landed, he called this morning; but I couldn't speak. The words were impossible to get out without breaking down, and I can't afford to do that right now.
My eyes flicker down to the small piece of pink ribbon which hangs from the mirror, I trace it with my finger, closing my eyes as I'm taken back to that day.
~
"It's okay, my darling girl—uncle Steve is helping her." she tells me softly, crouching down beside me in the corner of the room, I'm hiding.
"What's wrong with mommy?" I cry, the screaming and breaking of bottles echoing through the house. She was drinking the bad stuff again.
"She's sick, baby. We're going to help, I promise," Carol smiles, holding out her pinky finger. I wrap mine around it as we kiss our hands, that's our special promise.
I squeeze my eyes shut, covering my ears with my hands at the screaming noises. Why won't it stop?
"Look," Carol whispers, making me open my eyes. "This is a very special ribbon, and it keeps me safe," she smiles, taking a pink shiny ribbon from her hair. "And now it's going to keep you safe." she ties it into mine tightly.
"Really?" I ask, poking the bow in my hair.
"It's a magic ribbon, my darling girl, as long as you wear it—mommy can't come in here." she kisses my cheek, reaching out her hand. I feel better now, I have my magic ribbon. Aunt Carol always makes me feel safe.
"Ready to go to sleep now?" she asks, leading me into my bed.
"Can you stay?" I ask, "The ribbon can keep you safe, too."
"Of course," she gives me a happy smile, tucking me in and laying beside me.
"Aunt Carol, I'm still scared." I begin to cry again. I don't like when mommy drinks that stuff, she gets scary when she does that. She yells and she breaks things, she yells at me.
"I'm right here, baby. Nothing will ever happen to you when I'm here," she rubs the back of my hand.
"You won't leave, right?" I sniffle.
"I'm right here, Amara—I'll always be right here." she tells me softly. I feel safe now.
"Sleep now, my darling girl—everything will be alright in the morning." she whispers, stroking my hair until my eyes become heavy. "I love you, Amara." she says softly—and I drift to sleep, knowing she's right there, she'll always be right there.
I'm safe now.
~
"Mar, it's time." my mom's voice breaks me out of my daze, it was so vivid—I was right back there, with her.
"Okay," I croak.
I open my eyes, the tears cascading down.
"I need you," I whisper weakly, taking the ribbon from its place on the mirror.
I tie it into my hair, wiping the tears from my cheeks. How I wish you were here to tell me everything's going to be okay.
—————
The car ride there is a blur, few words were spoken between the family. I couldn't even look at Isabella, or Dahlia. It breaks my heart too much. As we arrive at the church, I'm greeted with hugs and sympathies galore, everyone is so sorry for my loss. I watch as people enter the church, as they tell me how amazing she was, how much she loved me and Izzy—but did they even know her? Truly know her? I can spot at least 20 people here who Carol couldn't stand. This isn't right, it shouldn't have been her.
I stand in the front row of the church, as songs play, songs she loved. As people speak, telling everyone how perfect she was and how she's in a better place now. That one, that's the one that gets me. A better place? A better place is here with her family, with her daughters, with me—not dead, gone, not being unable to watch her children grow up or watch Dahlia take her first steps. That's not a better place, that's tragic.
I keep myself composed through the whole ceremony, Izzy held my hand the whole time—she doesn't understand, not truly. She cried once, the other night; when Carol wasn't there to tuck her in, she cried because she misses her mom, but she doesn't know. I sometimes find myself wishing I was that naïve, to not truly comprehend she's never coming back. Maybe I am, because I haven't shed one tear since this started, I feel numb. Completely, and utterly numb.
"Amara?" I hear from behind me as we leave the church, making me turn around.
I stare at the man in front of me, there's something so familiar about him—but I can't put my finger on it.
"You probably don't remember me, my names Joseph; we met in the field, you know... when you were trespassing on my property?" he raises his brow with a small smile.
"Oh, yeah—Joseph, I didn't recognise you with... hair." I mutter, total word vomit. His dark hair has grown in, and he looks totally different in daylight without a hood covering his face.
"You knew Carol?" I ask, the past tense alone making me feel sick.
"Yeah, she helped my family out a lot when we bought that land. My mom and her were pretty close," he tells me, "She was an amazing woman."
"I know." I snap slightly defensively. He meant no harm, but I'm sick of hearing the same things over and over.
"She spoke about you a lot, any time I was ever around her, actually. I just hadn't ever put two and two together until now." he smiles, he's so sweet—I wish I had the energy to return the kindness, but I don't.
"Thank you," I nod.
"Where's your boyfriend... not boyfriend. Did you sort things out?"
"He is my boyfriend now. Yes, we've been great since then." I say vaguely, praying he doesn't ask me where h-
"Is he here?"
"Yeah," I sigh, "He just went to the bathroom or something." I pray that my blatant lie wasn't obvious.
"Hopefully I'll get to meet him later, I don't want to keep you any longer." he frowns slightly, "I'm really sorry for your loss, Amara."
I nod quickly, turning around and making an exit before I either cry or punch someone from hearing the same line on repeat all morning.
We make our way to gravesite, gathered round the plot where she will go. I can't take my eyes from the coffin, I find myself retreating back into the state I had been in, in the hotel room. White noise. It was all white noise. My eyes were burning into the coffin, the speech and the nice words being said as we stood around were merely even a whisper to me, my body was paralysed and it's terrifying, what's happening to me?
The coffin moves, breaking my eyes from it for a second—they move, to lower it into the ground. This is it. And that's when it happened.
Pain.
It was like a gateway was opened, and it all came rushing back at once. It suddenly hit me, that my best friend was inside that coffin, and this was it, she's gone, she's dead. The numbness became a blissful memory, and the pain was overwhelming. It knotted in my stomach, it burned through my lungs, and it drilled its way through my whole entire body.
She's dead. She's really, gone.
"No," I choke, feeling myself hurtle into that dark hole of despair and agony once more. "Please, no," I sob, my eyes widening as they continue to lower her body into the ground.
"Stop!" I yell, the feeling of her being out of reach delivering icy punches to my chest. "Please, stop!" I cry, my mom's arms wrapping around me as I scream. "No, no, no!" I scream at the top of my lungs. Why can't I stop screaming? It hurts, I can't breathe.
I watch as people throw handfuls of dirt into the grave one by one. They need to stop, please stop. Please.
"Please don't leave me, please! Please don't leave." I repeat, over and over. It hurts too much, my knees are becoming weak again and everything around me is blurry, I can feel my mom shaking me, trying to hold me up but I can't cooperate. Please, stop.
I feel my screams getting louder, the bile rising in my throat as everything moves, everyone continues to say their goodbyes and throw the dirt into the grave. She can't leave me—please, please don't leave me. "No, this isn't fucking fair! Please!" I yell, my whole body in agony.
I feel a pair of arms wrap around me from behind, pulling me into their chest. I look up to see Mason, a wave of relief flooding over me as I sob into his chest.
"You came," I say through muffled sobs into his chest.
"I couldn't let you do it alone," he whispers, rubbing my back.
"Mason she's gone, she's really gone and she isn't coming back." I sob, my throat burning from the screams.
"She's really gone, she left me, she's never coming back." I repeat hysterically, the pain overwhelming me as I feel my knees go weak once more. But instead of holding me up, I feel him kneel to the wet ground, as I fall into his lap.
"What are you doing?" I choke, trying to catch my breath.
"I don't want you to get covered in mud," he tells me softly, and I almost smile through my tears.
I can hear the sobs of my mother coming from behind me, and a male voice consoling her; I don't recognise it, but I don't have the energy to care. I can hear her crying for me, she's never seen me like this. I've never seen me like this.
"Mason, people are going to stare." I cry, my face is pressed into Mason's chest, but I know everyone must be looking at me.
"Let them stare, baby. You cry until there's no tears left," he tells me tenderly, stroking my hair. "We're in this together, remember? All the way." he whispers.
I grip the fabric on his suit, squeezing my eyes closed, nothing is numbing the pain. Not even Mason.
She feels just out of reach, just too far away to see or hear, and it's agonising, it's taunting me, it's relentless. I need her. I've never needed her more.
"Mason, it hurts so bad, I feel like I'm dying. I can't bare it." I cry in a tremulous voice. I can't do this. I can't breathe again.
"I know, baby." he sighs gently, kissing the top of my head.
—————
I hear the distant voices of people become more clear over time, I hear everyone gradually clear the site, giving us space—I assume. My cries diminish slowly as Mason cradles me on the ground, rubbing my back and telling me how everything is going to be okay, he's here with me, how we're in this together; he's the only thing keeping me sane.
I finally pull myself away from Mason's chest, looking at him as his perfect eyes are full of worry, sadness. He wipes my tears with his thumbs, planting a small kiss on my lips. He keeps his gaze on me as I calm, and only on me. He ignores the family that remain at the gravesite as he kisses my lips, stroking my hair and tells me what he can to keep me calm. The love he has for me couldn't be clearer at this moment, and the unexplainable adoration I have for him has never been more prominent.
"I'm ready to get up," I tell him, my voice quiet.
"Are you sure?" he asks, stroking my cheek.
I nod, standing myself up with his support. As we stand to our feet I wrap my arms around him, laying my head on his chest for a second. "Thank you," I whisper.
I turn back around to find only Steve, Izzy and Dahlia remaining. I don't know where my mom went, but I don't have the energy to ask. Steve placed a photograph of him and Carol into the grave, stepping back with Dahlia in his arms.
I watch as Izzy strides toward me slowly, looking up at me with sad eyes. She holds out a white teddy bear, "Mommy gave me this to keep me safe, but maybe this can keep her safe in heaven now." she smiles innocently, making the tears well up in my eyes again. Isabella, you're breaking my heart.
I crouch down beside her, bringing my hand to her cheek, "I think that's a very kind thing to do, Isabella."
I take the ribbon from my hair, holding it in my palm for a second. "You know, when I was your age your mommy gave me this ribbon," I smile, watching as she looks at it in awe, "It was to keep me safe, too."
I cut the ribbon in half. Wearing half in my hair, and keeping the other. I couldn't bare to part with it completely.
"Really?" she gapes.
"Really," I nod, "How about we put them in together?"
"I think mommy would like that, Mara." she smiles with an innocence I can only envy, "Okay." I nod, wiping the tears from under my eyes.
I scoop Izzy up into my arms, stepping slowly towards where her coffin lies. "Ready?" I ask, "Three... Two... One." I watch as the bear and the ribbon which kept both of us oh-so safe through our childhood float down through the air. I keep myself composed as I kiss Isabella's cheek, placing her down to skip back to her dad.
Mason walks towards me, wrapping his arm around my waist as we both stand in silence for a moment, perfect silence. Mason pulls a small bouquet of flowers from the inside of his suit jacket, dropping them carefully into the ground.
"Dahlias," I smile, "Her favourite flower, how did you know?"
"Lucky guess," he gives me a warm smile, resting my head on his chest.
Mason's POV:
~
"She's pretty smitten with you, you know?" Carols voice startles me.
"Shit," I mumble, almost dropping my phone.
"Sorry, didn't mean to creep up." she chuckles, motioning for me to sit beside her.
I take a seat, "She's still asleep." I tell her.
"That's no surprise, that girl could sleep through an earthquake." she raises her brow.
"You make her happy, Mason. That's all I want for her." she tells me abruptly, smiling and placing her hand on her stomach.
"I try my best." I tell her honestly, unsure of what to say. Carol is so like Amara in the 'I just say things when I think them' kind of way.
"I expected to be cautious of you," she shrugs, "She is my baby girl, always will be—but as soon as I saw the way you looked at her I had no worries at all."
I stay silent, what the fuck am I supposed to say to that?
"I don't think Steve was as sure as that," I blurt out, fucking hell Mason—why did you say that?
"Ignore him, he told me about your conversation. And I don't think it's any secret that the whole house heard your argument." she sniggers, she's taking this a lot better than her husband.
"Mason, we all have our demons. And we all do stupid shit, I have done my fair share of stupid shit, trust me on that," she smirks, making me laugh, "But she loves you, and you love her—and that's something you don't let go of." she tells me softly. She's so understanding, so welcoming, usually this kind of conversation would freak me out; but I feel strangely relieved that she approves of me.
"I like you, Italy." she raises her brow smugly.
"You're not the worst either, money." I grin.
"Money?" she laughs.
"Look at the house you live in." I tease, motioning around the room.
"Whatever, just take my complement you little shit." she grins.
"Thanks, Carol," I nod in appreciation.
"Just don't get her pregnant any time soon, I will wait till this baby is out of me and then I'll beat your ass." she laughs, pointing at her stomach.
"Noted," I chuckle.
"Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?" I ask, internally wondering why I'm conversing more than I had to.
"I don't. I've been thinking of names ever since I seen the positive test," she smiles, rubbing her bump.
"Hit me with them." I shrug, raising my brow.
"If it's a boy, Charlie—after Steve's father. And if it's a girl, Dahlia."
"Why Dahlia?" I question, I've never heard that name before.
"They're my favourite flower, always have been." she tells me with a warm smile on her face.
"My birthday is in September, so keep that in mind, Italy." she smirks, making us both laugh.
"I'll see what I can do," I chuckle, rolling my eyes and catching the pillow she fired in my direction.
~
"Ready to go?" I kiss the top of her head, taking a deep breath.
She puts her hand in mine, "Ready."
{a/n: These chapters have been so full of emotion, and are by far the hardest thing I've ever had to write. And I know, I know. Writing Carol's death was horrible. But, these things happen in life. The next, and final 5 chapters will be published soon. Thank you for sticking with the story so far. And if you have any questions you can message me.
Use this as your ranting station, give me your thoughts;')
instagram: downfallwrites }