I was laying like a lifeless doll on the ground. I felt too shattered to do anything. My eyes are closed; they dried, not being able to produce any more tears. I felt completely broken. He can never change. His cruelty knows no bounds. How happy I was. Soon, it will be our anniversary and here I am lying on the ground, void of everything. The day I entered hell. That day, I made the biggest mistake of my life...
My breath hitched as I didn't dare to move or open my eyes. The creaking sound of the door being opened startles me. I stiffed when I heard steps coming toward me. The presence is enough for me to know that it's Desmond. I can easily recognize the smell of his cologne. His scent filled my whole being with terror. I stopped breathing when I sense him moving close to me. I shivered at the zipping sound of my dress being closed. I felt suffocated from the lack of oxygen but, still, I don't flinch or did anything that alarms him that I am still awake.
Despite the fact, I am filled with fear, I remained still when I felt arms being wrapped around me as he lifted me and laid me on the bed.
I curled my toes to calm my anxious self. I felt him searching for something.
After a few seconds, I felt him pulling down my dress again. I froze in fright. What is he planning now? I felt a strange fluid being traced on my scars. He is applying an ointment. I sealed my mouth shut and breathing from the nose is difficult. It's so difficult to breathe. I took short but rapid breaths. I shudder by his every touch.
You can heal the scar on my back but not the scar on my heart...
I am too broken to feel the warmth of this affection. Right now, this touch is making me defile. I want him away from me as much as possible. My vulnerable form remained motionless as he applied the ointment. After applying, he pulled up the zipper.
I was so scared that my rapid breaths might not have made him aware that I am wide awake.
My tired eyes can't be opened. He then removed a strand of my hair from my face. I bit my cheeks as I felt his breath on my face. His breath is scaring me to no extent. I want him to get away from me as much as possible. His lips brush against my cheeks. He kissed them with such tenderness, I never felt before.
"Happy Anniversary, Love. This completes our 450th kiss..." My heart froze. I can't believe what my ears are hearing. 450th!? To me, it's 27th. Is it a lie as well? And, he called me love! Please, someone, get him away. He is terrifying me.
"I am sorry. I broke my promise.. I am so sorry that you have a pathetic guy like me in your life. Me, who is so weak that I couldn't even protect you..." His voice was filled with hurt. His voice was so desperate as if he was on the verge of crying. "So vulnerable that I hurt you... let him manipulate me and do this to you. I am the worst for doing this to you. I was powerless before him..."
What is the point of showing love behind my back, which rarely will have any effect on me...
I heard him sniff. He is trying not to cry. A tear pricked in the corner of my eye but I didn't let it fall. Then the truck of realization hit me that,
It's that same sweet toxic voice I love. My body stiff as I denied that truth from the bottom of my heart. I don't want to believe it. This can't be happening. That voice was filled with love unlike his. I will never accept the fact that the voice I want to run away with is his. He can never love anyone.
"I am sorry. I am so sorry, love. For breaking my promise. For ruining the day you are eagerly waiting for.." He continued. I clutched the duvet tightly. He was sitting on the ground. I know that and my back is facing him.
"You know..I tried my best to make it 500. But, you were always alarmed. I only get my chance to kiss you or talk to you in your sleep..." He continued talking to me. Stop it!
You can't fix what's broken. It's too late. They don't have any effect on me!
I began to shift positions and do random reflexes to show him that I might wake up. It was successful as he left kissing my forehead.
I woke up in the morning, too scared to think about last night. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My reflection shows what I am feeling right now. Shattered. I began to take a shower. I closed my eyes as tears flowed. My eyes are red and puffy, just like my first day here. I flinched when the cold water hit my bruises. I hugged my sides tightly as I immersed myself in the agonizing pain. I walked out and stared blankly at the room.
"Let's repeat it again.."My mind said sarcastically.
I formed an empty smile on my face and sat in the same corner I did on the first day of our marriage and cried my heart out. I hugged my knees tightly to my chest. I bear the pain in my back as I put my chin on my knees. I stare blankly at the room. Feeling too shattered to do anything. I remained at this position for a while. But, then, the door knocked,
"Ma'am, I am told to give your breakfast to your room" I heard Savannah's voice.
"Tell my exact words to the person who sent that; I'll eat when I want to!" I said biting my lips to not to cry anymore for the person who isn't worthy of your tears.
I began to stare at the room again. Today is my anniversary and here I am. My room, completely broken. I was supposed to start my life anew with him. To command him and make plans. Like always, this dream of mine is also destroyed.
Feeling too void, I close my eyes. I am exhausted. I can no longer hold my optimistic facade. That's the only thing I had left which was also broken by him. There's no need to give fake consolation to myself. Our relationship wasn't supposed to work in the first place. It was my silly delusion that we'll love each other.
I was sitting, facing the cruel reality I tried to avoid all this time. But, someone decided to ruin it.
"What is it!?" I asked, annoyed.
"Ma'am, please, at least have lunch." Again Savannah.
"Get lost!" I yelled. Can't they just leave me alone? I'll eat when I want to.
I closed my eyes and when I was about to lose myself in my thoughts, the door opened, revealing the master of my fears. I opened my eyes and looked at him. He looked cold as usual. His hands in the pockets as he looked at me,
"Is this some sort of hunger strike?" Desmond asked.
"I said, I'll eat when I want to," I said, resting my cheek on my knee. Turning my face away from him. He bends on one knee, his hand was about to touch me but I yelled,
"Get away!"
He looked shocked by this. He didn't expect me to yell at him at all. He pulled his hand away and spoke up in a soft tone,
"At least, eat something, Ester." I blinked as my gaze was fixed on the wall in front of me. His every behavior scares me; Either sweet or Angry.
"You are scaring me...Leave.." I told him the truth, barely in an audible tone. But, it reached his ears.
"Ester... I know, I-" But I cut him off.
"Your presence is enough to terrorize me!" I shouted, closing my eyes tightly as tears began to flow. I just can't spend a second with him. I am afraid of him. None of his justification will have any effect on me. I am too scared to believe in my delusion again. I don't have enough courage to face the same thing over and over again.
"Ester..." He was speechless. He is clearly taken aback by this. He couldn't think of a thing to say to comfort me.
"Leave...." I whispered I am on the verge of crying out loud. I opened my eyes and looked at him with a broken and angry look.
"Get. Out." I ordered him, with a glare. He looked down, he never expects to hear something like this from me. He looked shocked. His eyes flicker with remorse and hurt. He looks so hurt, not by my words but by his own actions. He was ashamed. His face is showing deep regret as his eyes are begging for forgiveness. But, None of them have any effect on me.
I turn my head away again. I hugged my sides more tightly and closed my eyes as tears began to fall.
" leave....you are scaring me...." I whispered, hiding my face in my knees. Desmond left without saying a single word.
After he left, I began to cry out. My cries were muffled as I hid my face in my knees. I would never fall for his affection ever again.
I was desperate for that look of fondness. I tried so hard to find a single shred of affection in your eyes. I fell over and over again in my Journey to win your love.
Right now, I may have won your love.
But, I never thought that winning it would cause me to crumble miserably.
That I shall pay a great price for it. The price to burn endlessly is my own hatred for you...