☆☆☆ Chapter 38 ☆☆☆
Ane's Fine
*Ane's Point of View (POV)*
Daniel walked out as if nothing had happened. As if he didn't just reject me. Daniel, out of all people, rejected me. Daniel, my fuckin' pervert of a boyfriend who's been crystal clear to me 'bout his desires, rejected me. After a ton of petty fights over the months we've been together── and even before then, as his maid── 'bout his overly-charged self, 'bout his weak self-restraint, 'bout his staring, he rejected me.
Just who the hell does he think he is! I'm fine, why the hell did he think I wasn't ready? Who the hell is he to judge?!
After I dared to peek out of my shell, after I was finally comfortable, after I thought that we were both into it, he rejected me.
I felt tears burn my eyes, heat rush up my face, my throat swell up. There were too many things building up within me, boiling over, causing me nothing but pain. I tried shielding my heart from it, but I was far too weak for that. I was afraid, though. I didn't know if my pain would burn it to ashes, or make it bleed out. Either way, it wouldn't end well.
I put my head down, covering it with my elbow as I stormed out of the room. My hands trembled, and the hairs on my arms cut through the lukewarm air. I passed by a couple of servants. They all tried to stop me, they all tried to ask what was wrong, but I ignored them all, shoving them when necessary, and cursed some out. One of them was Honey. I made sure to make her feel small, make her feel useless. It didn't make me feel any better. I knew I would be hearing from Teresa for that, too, but I didn't give two shits as it happened. All I felt was pain.
As soon as I found myself within the walls of my bedroom, I curled up on one of my now-bleached bean bags, and let myself cry like a motherfucker 'til I realized it wasn't enough to calm myself down. Throwing that bean bag across the room, now that was another story. I threw my other ones across the room, too, and kicked the living fucklights out of 'em, cursed them and their mothers out, choked their non-existent necks, stabbed 'em with my trusty knife 'til beans bled out of 'em. I picked up some of the beans, and forced them back into one of the stupid bags, throwing spit into it in a ridiculous form of fury, and kicked and kicked and kicked, following the bag wherever it went as it bled out, not giving it a single second to breathe, to the point where all I was kickin' was nothing but cloth.
In doing that, I found a stray bloodstain in a corner I hadn't paid much attention to.
It was Jade's, without a doubt.
So many things ached after I spotted it. Everything burned far more worse, and once again I was back at square one, cryin' like the broken idiot I was. This time, I cried 'til it hurt, 'til every single tear cut straight through me.
I already knew before, but fuck damn, I'm one fucked-up person.
☆☆☆
A shower. A hot, steamy shower helped me out on clearing my mind, but not the way I had thought it would. I felt hollow, empty.
With a towel wrapped around me, I stepped out of the bathroom, and found myself making eye contact with my own self. There Ane stood, hunched, with her puffy, dark, beady eyes and her wide, uneven lips shut tight. She looked as if she were grimacing. Her knees trembled just slightly. Occasionally, I noticed her nostrils flare up, like those of a semi-triggered gorilla's. Did that mean I was still angry? Sad? I was confused; I didn't feel anything, so why was she looking back at me that way?
Was the mirror lying to me, or am I lying to myself?
I approached the other Ane, and she did the same. We stared at each other, wondering what the other was thinking. I reached over to her, and she reached over to me, but all I felt was the stiffness of the mirror. I couldn't touch her, I couldn't console her. She couldn't do anything for me, either.
It ached. It ached so very fuckin' much.
Why was I still not over it, over his rejection? Was he right? Was I not ready?
Why was I still not over it, over my pain? Am I ever gonna change? Is Dr. Connor not enough? Have I not opened up enough for him to help me? Have I opened up at all to him?
I'm so sorry, Teresa. I'm so sorry, Daniel. I'm so sorry, Honey. I'm so sorry, bean bags. Why can't I be sorry for hurting Jade? Because she's a demon? What does that make me? I hurt her, it doesn't matter if she deserved it or not. I almost killed someone. I may just try again someday, and I may not regret it. I might be a demon myself. A monster. I'm so sorry, Dr. Connor.
Will I ever be a normal, everyday person? I'm so sorry, Dr. Connor. Will I always be this way, or is it that I just need more time? I'm so sorry, Dr. Connor. Daniel. Teresa. Honey. Bean bags. Uncle Jesse. Molly. Mom. Dad. I'm sorry, so very sorry.
I'm so sorry, Ane.
I let myself look up at the mirror once again, and faced myself. I let the towel fall to the floor, and let my hands rest on my sides. I closed my eyes briefly, breathed in, and then out. When I opened them, there I was, bare and raw. A woman, yet still a girl in so many ways. Imani Ane Mayflower, nineteen-years-old, goin' on twenty soon. So many scars. So, so many, stitched right onto my rough skin, from injuries that healed in the ugliest of ways. Bite marks, too, from the most feral of men. One nipple, two melons. Three toes with nothing but flesh; no nail. A thick slash spanned across from the left earlobe, to the cheek, and all the way down to the chin.
There was a unique form of beauty in it all. So, so much beauty. It was the beauty formed from the bravest act of all, survival. I am no victim, but more often than not, when out of my tough, toxic shell, I tend to forget that.
There was once a time, not so long ago, when a girl looked back at me from a mirror. She was disgusting. There were wounds all over her body. Some wounds were mid-way into healing, some wounds were infected and bled nothing but pus, some wounds made her look like a tiger, particularly her thighs, from the deep cuts that had hurt like hell, from acts performed against her will. There were fresh bite marks on her back, on her shoulders, on her arms. A nipple had been recently burned off. Its remnants were eaten by god knows what. Perhaps by a rat, perhaps by him. She was horribly starved of food, of smiles. She truly was disgusting, I wasn't able to stand her. I rejected her, failed to accept that she was me, but over time, I learned something that remains with me to this day, and perhaps forever: that she and I were beautiful, that we were beautiful, that I was beautiful. That I was worth more than I had believed, far more than anyone did. That nobody deserved me.
I'm so sorry, Ane.
Over time, it bit me back, it poisoned me, it became a double-edged sword── it promised to keep me 'safe' as it held me hostage, but I never tried to break out. It used me, and I used it, too. It promised to keep me safe, at the cost of others. It was a horrible deal, but it held my head up high and away from my pain, and so, those I held dear, those I cared for, I hurt them all, and I didn't and couldn't stop it from happening. I still can't stop it from happening. One day, I hope I will, but who the hell knows?
This codependency, this sick support system of mine, solely made up of me, myself, and I, it's an ugly thing. It gets me nauseous, makes me shiver. It gets me scared; scared for myself, scared for everyone around me, because I've become nothing but a fucked-up person, down to the very core.
Teresa, my dear sister, have I really changed? I can't see it, all I see is nothing but a bitter bitch in me. Nothing more, nothing less. Do I even deserve Daniel, Teresa? He's too good for me. I'm a piece of shit. You deserved him. You're a good person, and I took him from you, just as you once said. There's nothing I can do about it, either; I fell for him, like the dumb idiot I am. I stopped him from moving on.
I was a simple woman, only seeking her own company. I was once fine by myself.
No bone, no love. Wasn't I proud of it before? What has changed now?
I'm so sorry, Ane.
☆☆☆
A couple of knocks jolted me up from my fetal position. Daniel. No other person knocked like that.
I wrapped myself up with the towel I'd thrown on the floor earlier, fixing my face, my mood, my everything, before answering the door. I hoped nothing would show, but then again, it's Daniel we're talkin' 'bout. He notices everything.
There he was, as soon as I opened the door, as expected. "Hey, Ane, are you alright?"
"What? Of course I am."
Daniel pursed his lips at that. Of course he would. "Are you still mad?"
"No, not anymore," I replied, holding back a sniff. "Why are you here?"
"A little bird told me you were lashing out at people." Of course it did. That was definitely Teresa, after Honey snitched on me. I rolled my eyes, and crossed my arms. Daniel briefly turned to look behind his back. "Can you please put some clothes on?"
"Why? It's not like you'll do anything. I'm not ready, right?" It didn't mean I wasn't embarrassed. I felt hot, all over. I should've put somethin' on. Why didn't I think it through?
He shook his pretty head. "Ane── "
"No, no, you said it. There's no taking it back."
"I wasn't," he quickly replied, and added: "You're not ready, and that's not going to change overnight." He ran a hand past his stubble. "It's for your own good, Ane. We don't need to rush things. You can't even handle looking at me."
I held myself tighter. "That... that was ages ago. Who knows 'bout now?"
Daniel winced at that. "Ane, that's not how things work, what you're going through is something deeply rooted, you can't just── "
"Change overnight? It's been ages, Daniel."
"It's been ages, Ane, and you're still very much in pain," he said, inching closer to me. He reached for my cheek and rubbed it. He rubbed its thick scar, gently. "You were crying, weren't you?"
I tried to speak; my mouth was wide open and ready for it, but nothing came out, so I shut it. I decided to instead look away after letting out a scoff. Looking angry, being angry, wasn't an issue. That was, until now. My lips betrayed me; they quivered.
"Maybe," I heard myself mutter. In between it, my voice had cracked, and it made it a little worse. Daniel, almost out of instinct, brought me into his arms, and held me together. I couldn't hold back after that. "I'm scared, Daniel. I'm so scared of myself. I didn't mean to lash out, I didn't mean to stab my beanies, but── "
"Whoa, what?"
"I didn't mean to stab my bean bags!" I cried. "But... but I don't wanna stop myself from being with you, just 'cuz I'm scared of myself. I... I want so much more from you. There's so much good in you, there's so much I can learn from you, so much more for me to admire, for me to hold dear. Even if lookin' at you's somethin' I can't handle, I can't help but want it, y'see, 'cuz it's a part of you, and I like you."
I love you.
"Ane," he began. "You almost made me tear up there── it was beautiful and it moved me, but I'm not a good person."
"Shut up, yes you are, you've said it yourself."
"No, I'm not," Daniel insisted. "I only say that when I compare myself to my family."
"Whatever," I said. "Doesn't matter, my main point's that I want to be with you."
"But you are with me."
"Ugh! Daniel, I swear to god, if you're doing this on purpose, I'm gonna── "
"Okay, okay, sorry, I'll stop, but it really wasn't on purpose. It's just that, well, the way you're talking right now has me a little concerned, no matter how nice it sounds." He kissed my scarred cheek before letting me go from his arms. As he leaned his adorable self against the doorframe, he pursed his lips. Again. "It's exactly because you're scared of yourself that you shouldn't aim to be with me like that. Focus on yourself first, Ane. I wasn't joking when I said we should take things slow, I was serious. I really don't want to hurt you."
"This is about me, Daniel. I want this, I'm fine── "
"No, you're not fine── "
"I want this, I'm fine! How else would I know if I'm alright with you, anyway? Besides, you won't hurt me. You just can't. You're a really gentle guy, and let's be honest, you're small and slender, no muscle. Super cute, super delicate. Worst case scenario, I would be the one to hurt you. Remember, I sprained your shoulder once."
"Yeah, that's... that's very true. I'm not that manly, in the common sense." He scratched the back of his head, giggling softly. His cheeks were a little flushed. "But I wasn't talking about the physical stuff. I, I meant your feelings."
I blinked. "Exactly. You're a really gentle guy. You would stop immediately."
"But that's the thing, I don't want to hurt you in the slightest, I don't want to see the fear in your eyes again, I── " he sighed, shutting his eyes briefly. "It'll hurt me, too. My feelings." He looked down at his lavender slippers. "Look, Ane, I'm trying to do what's right. Doing it with me, right here, right now, does it feel right to you?"
"Yes, actually."
"Oh, um, y-yeah, that was a dumb question, I'll admit that. You... you've been very clear to me about that." He fiddled with his hands for a couple of seconds before putting them behind his back and taking a deep breath. He eventually let it all out in one go, along with: "I'm not sleeping with you, Ane. Not today, not tomorrow, not for a while. If you feel that you're fine, if you feel that you're ready, good for you, but I can't trust what you're saying. I'd rather wait." He peeked at me, to see how I was takin' his words, but quickly looked down at his slippers when our eyes met. It was a wise choice, what he did. I was fuming. "Even... even if I had wanted to, I can't. Not tonight, at the very least, if I had wanted to," he muttered.
"What? What the hell are you sayin'? Why?"
He kept his eyes on the slippers. "I... haha, I, Itouchedmyselfalready... haha, uh, fourtimesactuallyandithurtbythethirdtime, but uh, butIstillkeptgoingIcouldnthelpit." I couldn't make out whatever the hell he said, so I narrowed my eyes in silence 'til he got my drift. There was a small, sheepish smile stamped onto his face. "I'm a little tired in that department, is all," he eventually said, with the most bashful of tones possible in his soft self. "But... but there is one thing we can try out── uh, one thing I can and want to do, for you. Maybe, just maybe, it won't hurt you. I'm willing to take a risk for that and that only, if you feel up for it."
"And what's this one thing?"
The corners of his lips twitched as soon as I asked that.
"Well, Ane, I was wondering a thing or two in my bedroom, and well, so, I clearly wasn't doing anything out of the norm, wondering things whiletouchingoneself is rather, haha, normal... fantasizingdoesnthurtanyone, so yeah, uh, haha, well... " He scratched the back of his neck and sighed, as if to brace himself for whatever he wanted to drop at me. "So, Ane, I know you can't handle looking at me, but what if I were to look at you?"
Scratch that. He really was bracing himself.