Say it.
Say it back before you can't.
Say it back before I have to wait another lifetime to hear those words.
Silence meets the words that you poured out of your heart. Then, it was as if the world had heard your pleas and stopped all time, allowing you to stand there with the man you love for as long as the world could hold.
You search Akutagawa's eyes, and just as you think your heart's about to break from the silence, the silence breaks with the few words that sounded like a sweet melody to your ears.
"I've always loved you, [f/n]". Akutagawa says it as if it was obvious, like he couldn't believe you still couldn't accept it. Like he had rehearsed those words in his head millions of times and only just now they had been spoken aloud, and he couldn't believe it.
Thank you.
One of your hands trail down to his shoulder, and all you want to do is lean in, but desire isn't something either of you had the luxury to give in to.
Akutagawa with his fear of never being good enough, and you with the heavy knowledge that by having him in-front of you now, vulnerable, you were about to make another mistake; but for once, not because he is what consumes your mind day and night.
Mori is watching, and you know he's waiting to see what you've decided.
As if he doesn't already know...
I'm sorry Akutagawa. I don't want to leave you again. I never have.
You hate yourself for your decision; the non-selfish decision, despite knowing it's what should be done. Oh, how you wish you were the person you were years ago, where all you'd choose is what was best for you.
Time seems to resume as you activate your ability, 'In a Grove', and confusion and shock fills Akutagawa's face, Mori chuckles behind you, and you connect yourself deep into the mafia's rabid dog's network of thoughts and memories. Everything that made you and him.
At least it'll hurt me more than you.
There's nothing the person affected can do once you activate your ability, but for some reason every time you will yourself to take away Akutagawa's memories, you feel a mental push, like he was fighting back your ability and trying to stop you.
That feeling broke your heart.
Emptiness follows every click you make to take away all traces of you, and it's the kind of vacantness that little by little grows a void, sucking in every hint of that warm nostalgia in and leaving you with nothing but harrowing wonder.
As you increase the strength of the effect of your ability, something goes wrong. While you usually are able to see the image of the person affected by the ability wandering aimlessly in a grove full of reality altering visions, you start to feel yourself feel as lost as them. In this case, as lost as Akutagawa felt. It was cold in the grove, a night dark without any stars surrounded you. I'm glitches, you start to see exactly Akutagawa's point of view.
That's when erasing each memory grows more painful. Literally.
Now, while you yourself felt the sorrow of loss for needing to do such an action to someone you valued, you got to feel what he has felt as it disappears...almost similar to passing on information instead of deleting it.
There's so much despondency...so much emotion bottled up. It's overwhelming me.
•••
Cold wind hits your face, you hair pulled back by the air's force as you stand on top of a building's low roof, watching the stars above. It's almost winter, and you feel the very ambience of the city turn bitter. It's not often you get time for yourself on night on the job for the Port Mafia, but tonight was one of few exceptions. You breathe slowly, trying to take in every detail of the night. You feel the cold nip at your nose, your body covered by one of your thicker dark trench coats not allowing the chill to reach your bones.
"Do you like the stars too?" You ask, and when you don't get an immediate answer, you wonder if your words just faded into the darkness of the city.
"No. It's the calmness of the city at this hour that I like"
You turn to face your partner, wind now pulling your hair towards your face. Akutagawa's long coat flows behind him, his longer pieces of hair moving in a way that convinced you it wasn't possible for Akutagawa to not look elegant. His pale face is sprinkled with a pale pink across his cheeks and nose due to the cold, and his eyes glitter as if they were made of ice. Akutagawa walks closer to you, covering a cough before he places his hands in his pockets, ending up right next to you, your head following him and your eyes interested in every movement coming from him.
Sometimes it was hard to believe the man next to you was a killer.
"Nothing matters right now. You aren't subject to all the pain and burdens that the day brings. Is that not appealing?" Akutagawa asks, his low voice feeling like warmth of a fire next to your ears.
"Hm, I guess it is. It's a little lonely though" you say softly, moving to face the same way he is, your head out of instinct still turned to his direction,
Akutagawa doesn't respond to your comment, and you don't push it either. After a few seconds, he turns to you, meeting your eyes that were already on him. You both hold the gaze for a bit, and you can't help but wonder if he felt a little less alone with you next to him.
"Nothing matters right now you said? Then...if we let everything go, anything that happens now...we choose wether we want it to define us?" You say, walking closer to him, your head tilting upwards to keep eyes on each other.
"You can force away memory, you can ignore it and move on...but you can't take away feeling. I know you know that. Your ability has those limits" Akutagawa replies, not moving back the closer you get, seemingly welcoming the closeness.
'The wall you've built for yourself also has limit, Akutagawa. You're just as human as I am, and I intend on breaking it.' You think to yourself, feeding the tension that was growing between the two of you.
Without warning, the wind picks up, and before you can reach out to steady yourself, Akutagawa grabs your arm gently but firmly, pulling you close enough to have your bodies brush against the other's softly, any trace of coldness gone. You close your eyes, and neither of you pull away, your heart beats in sync, breathing steadied.
'If this is all I'll get in this lifetime, its good enough for me. Just this moment right now...'
•••
You feel your grip on Akutagawa loosen, and you panic. Your vision is distorted in flashing colours, you heart beat accelerates, and as suddenly as it started, it's gone. You're back in Mori's office with Akutagawa passed out in front of you, and you feel tears running down your face without the knowledge of when they started, but you aren't surprised. You wipe them away, however, as you turn around to look at Mori, who was now walking over to you with indifference on his face.
"[f/n], if you'll be so kind as to follow me...your prison you've just sentenced yourself to is waiting" Mori tells you like it's a request, but you know it isn't. You gave up your freedom of choice as soon as you stepped in to save Q.
Numbness crawls deep in you, and you follow Mori through the Port Mafia's halls, ignoring the look of those you passed by. You don't let any emotion escape you; You don't want to give them the satisfaction.
As soulless as you currently looked, a small fire in you begged you to leave someone a message, to do anything to leave some sort of sign that assured someone would come look for you and help you some day when the time was right.
I've fought all my life to earn my place, would it really be right to give up on everything now?
Before you are searched and certain belongings are taken away from you, you secretly send a quick message to someone specific through your phone as a last form of defiance before giving in.
And now I'm back in a prison where I started.
•••
You're surrounded by dark walls reminding you of when you were in the coma, and if you listen hard enough, you can almost hear the voices of those that tried to warn you like a game of mockery. The darkness is all you begin to know, and soon you question everything that you are able to see after days of staring into nothing but a void.
No one is allowed to come into contact with you because of the nature of your ability. No one comes looking for you.
But while you can erase memories, you can never completely erase feeling.
I know this isn't the end of our story, Akutagawa.
I know I'll meet you again.
Your oblivion isn't forever, I've made sure of it.
Fin (1/2)
••••
Part 2 has been continued (and completed) in this story!