Cole's POV
After I kissed Hattie, the walk home was a little awkward, neither of us knowing what to say to each other. But when I offered her my hand to hold, she took it and held it for the rest of the walk. That's probably a good sign that she doesn't hate me for kissing her.
I wanted to do it all night, ever since I saw her in that dress she was wearing, but I could tell something happened on her shopping trip with Lola. She looked fairly happy on the journey there but on the way back her eyelids were drooping and she was slumping in her seat, as opposed to her normal straight posture. She just looked miserable. I hated seeing her like that, so defeated. I just wanted to make it all better but she wouldn't tell me what happened, kept insisting that she was fine when it was so clear she wasn't. I wish she wasn't so fucking stubborn.
I was going to stay with her all times at the party because she just looked so broken but I needed to go to the toilet so I had to leave her. When I returned, I saw Tyler sitting in my place on the couch. At first, I thought that he and Hattie were flirting but then I saw the way he was holding her wrist and the look on her face and realised what was really happening. I didn't know why I got so jealous at the thought of Hattie and Tyler flirting at first... until that kiss. That showed me everything I needed to know.
As we approached my house, all the lights were off and none of the cars were in the driveway, indicating my parents were both out at meetings for the night. I hope Hattie didn't mind that she was going to be home alone with me, but she didn't say anything so I assume she was fine with it.
"Uh, do you have a change of clothes here?" I asked, secretly hoping she didn't so she could wear my clothes again. She shook her head as a reply.
"I would say you could borrow some of Lola's but she locks her bedroom door whenever she leaves the house because she doesn't like the cleaner going in there and touching her stuff. So, you can borrow mine if you'd like..." I trail off at the end, waiting to hear her thoughts.
"Um, yeah that's fine with me." she replies.
I lead her up to my room, noticing the slight uncertainty of her walk. She looks shaky on her feet, like she's going to collapse. I don't want to say anything to her about eating, afraid to upset her even more tonight but at the same time, I feel this urge to know so I can help.
We enter my room and she sits on my bed, silently grasping the bedpost for support. I look at her in her dress and notice how frail she looks, like if I were to bump into her, she'd break. She looks skinnier than the last time I saw her, if that was even possible, a clear indication that she hasn't eaten in a while. I decide to ask her about it as I search through my wardrobe for some PJs she can wear.
"Hattie?" I get her attention "When was the last time you ate?" the fake smile she was wearing just seconds ago drops and her face becomes even paler, if that were even possible.
"W-what do you mean?" she asks as she looks away from me, trying to hide her face.
"You know what I mean, Hattie... I'm not gonna be mad. I just want to know." I meant what I said, I wouldn't be mad... she just looked so ill.
"I don't really know." she replied as I shut my wardrobe doors and walked towards her.
Not knowing doesn't sound like a good thing in relation to eating; it's understandable if you don't remember what you ate but when is another story, especially for someone like Hattie.
"Ok... so, are you hungry?"
Her face dropped, she almost looked angry but mostly she just looked defeated.
"I'm not hungry." she says robotically, almost as if it was an automated response.
"Hattie..." I sigh, almost defeated myself. How do I get her to eat without pressuring her and pushing her away.
"I'll leave you to get changed then we can watch a movie for a while." I walk out without another thought, my mind still racing about how I can get her to eat something.
Entering the kitchen, my mind is clouded by Hattie. She's all I can think about.
How can I get her to eat?
Why won't she just be fully honest with me?
How can I stop her from pulling away from me?
Then, I spot some carrots sitting on the side of the counter and an idea forms in my mind.
Carrots are healthy, right?
I pull 3 out of the bag, peel and chop them up into little sticks, stepping up the stairs with them, hoping Hattie will at least eat one. I quite enjoy carrots myself so it's not exactly the most unbelievable thing that I would be snacking on them.
"Hattie, you done in there?" I knock and await her answer before entering. When I do I see her standing at the edge of the bed awkwardly, wearing just my grey hoodie, which is completely drowning her miniscule frame.
I let my eyes wander down her body, taking in every inch. She's absolutely beautiful... and yet she doesn't even try.
"Um, th-the joggers didn't fit, they kept falling down so I decided to just leave them off, if that's ok with you." she says quietly, breaking me out of the trance she had me in.
"Y-yeah it's fine... What movie do you wanna watch then?" I ask, not caring at all what she says as long as she stays with me.
"I don't mind. You can choose one." she sits down on the side of my bed cautiously, as if it will open up and swallow her whole.
I pick up the Amazon Fire TV Stick control and scroll through the movies, watching Hattie's face as I pass each one to see if her reaction shows what she wants to watch. As I pause briefly on Nerve, her face changes slightly as she reads the description, something she hasn't bothered to do on the other movies. Before she says anything, I play it, hoping she'll enjoy it.
Halfway through the movie, I reach towards the carrots. I don't offer Hattie one, instead I just take a couple out and start eating them, leaving the bowl sitting in between us. I go back to watching the movie, but silently pray that Hattie will take one.
After I've finished eating some carrots, I sneak a glance towards Hattie; she's staring at the carrots, pinching the skin on her hands, probably to prevent herself from reaching over and grabbing one. Her eyes are wide and alert, yet tired, two very conflicting looks but, I suppose, they reflect what she is feeling. I want to take her pain away, to show her she doesn't need to starve to be beautiful, she is naturally. However, anything I say will inevitably make it worse. So, I just sit there, watching her torture herself over a carrot.
I go back to watching the movie when I hear a crunching sound followed by some murmurs;
"N-nobody is perfect. Nobody can be perfect. You can be perfectly imperfect, but it's perfectly i-impossible to be perfect... There are too many versions of perfect to perfect."
She's using my words...
I then see her hand reach over and grab another carrot stick, pushing it into her mouth and placing her hand over her lips to keep it in, as if her mouth will reject any food she puts in there. She repeats the words again.
I helped her... my words are helping her, just like I always wanted.
I can't help but feel proud of Hattie but I try not to show it, knowing that the last time I did, everything went wrong. Instead, I face the TV and attempt to focus on what's happening in the movie but can't help the slight grin that crosses my face when I see her reach for a third.
After this, she place the bowl on the floor and continues pinching her skin. The skin on her hand is red raw, which must be painful. I can't stand the thought of her hurting herself so I move over and grab her hands, holding them within my own. I can feel her staring at me with curiosity but just choose to ignore it and continue watching the movie. She doesn't need to know I notice everything she's doing to herself.
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Sorry this chapter took so long, I don't enjoy writing in Cole's POV but it needed to be done for this chapter so it took a bit longer.
Hope you enjoyed.
Merry Christmas.
xx