She averts her eyes from mine with an expression full of grief, fiddling with her fingers but acting as if I wasn't here.
"Jungkook...please go—"
"Let him in..." her voice shivers me after unbearable hours passed apart from each other. I immediately head towards her and stand right by her side, my heart beating hard as my sobs are back at it. Jaemin leaves us alone and walks out. "Baby..." I sit down on the chair placed next to her bed and take her hand between both of mine. "I'm so sorry..." my fingers brush her cold skin, both of my hands warming hers up the way they usually do it.
"Are you okay...?" she peeks at me, her hand sliding away from mine but breaking my heart. I shake my head but without even being able to restrain anything, I burst into tears. "I can't stand this anymore baby...it hurts me so much to be away from you and think about the words I used...I hate myself so much and I wish I could erase all the things I did..." I lower my head out of shame, not having the guts to raise my chin up in front of her. "I don't know what I was doing...I was mad and so scared only because I thought you cheated on me with Jaemin...I apologize for what I caused to you like a piece of shit...I just love you so much that I'm scared to lose you because of him..."
"Jungkook..." she heaves a sigh but glances down, as if my words were tiring her. "I won't leave you for someone else..."
"I'm sorry..." I elbow the mattress but cover my face with my hands, to hide my shameful self while sobbing. "I'm sorry for overreacting but...as soon as you left the house...it felt like I was nothing...as if without you I couldn't live or do anything anymore...I felt so empty and I was terrified you would never come back..."
Without anything leaving her mouth, she touches my hand but softly wraps her small fingers around it the best she can. I don't even hold myself back, I take it with both of mine to conceal her tiny one with my palms.
Even if this was for a day, I missed the feeling of her baby hand into mine. That is the only thing able to make me feel better.
"I love you, my baby...I mean it..." I lay my teary eyes into hers, stroking her fingers with mine. "I love you too...that's why I'm feeling that way now..."
"Are you going to come back home with me...?" I stare into her eyes with hope, looking pitiful for sure in the state that I currently am. "I'm scared you could yell at me with so much anger again...I don't like it when you do..."
"I won't ever do it again baby, I promise," I intertwine our fingers together, pressing a kiss on the back of her hand. "Isn't it better to...maybe stay away from each other for a moment...what if staying together all the time could be bad for us...?"
My heart tears apart at the sound of her sentence, not wishing that this could happen. I must be asking for too much and being clingy, but living one day without her by my side will in no way help me, this will only make it worse.
"B—Baby..." my word trembles, my hand holding onto hers. "Staying away from you won't make it better...this will only do the opposite..."
She doesn't say a word but only looks down. "I don't know...this could be better for you Jungkook...we will not feel awkward after texting and calling each other while if we just go back to your house now...I feel like this won't be the same..."
I bite the bullet but glance away from her, not forcing her to do some things she doesn't want to. I slide my right hand down her inner forearm to drop it on the mattress, but keep my hold onto her. "Do you want me to leave you alone...?" my painful words escape from me, fearing I could be ruining our relationship because of me and my possessiveness. I need to stop being like that if I don't want to lose her.
"No..." she shakes her head but relieves me. "We just...I have to stay here anyway so I can't come back yet, I have to make sure my heart is okay..."
"What's wrong with your heart baby?" the concern brings me down, hearing about this for the first time. "It's just the rhythm that is too fast on a daily basis...the nurse told me he would need to check on it these days because of what happened last night..."
"Does that mean you're going to stay for a few days...?" I ask without wanting to get a "yes" as an answer, but as expected, she says this word. "Yeah...three days."
I brush her skin with my fingers, feeling terribly guilty for the things happening to her. I hate myself even more.
"Tell me if you want me to leave at any moment..." I speak out in a barely audible voice, totally destroyed from the inside. She doesn't answer to me but only drifts her left hand to the bedside table she has, to get something of the fridge just in the lower part.
She grabs two yogurts and takes with them a spoon, to hand them to me when I thought she would be the one eating. "Here, I'm pretty sure you haven't eaten yet..."
"It's for you...eat..." I refuse to take it, knowing this is something put there just for her to feed herself. "Jungkook, don't argue please. I already ate."
I sigh but listen to her, letting go of her hand against my will to grab the food she gave me. I put them down on the mattress and open one at a time, to eat after starving for a whole day.
Since she's not talking anymore and neither moving, I take a peek at her to get to know what she's doing but only fall into her eyes. "Is it okay if I let Koya with you for the next three days? Yohan will bring it to your house."
"Yes sure, I miss him too..." I nod but cannot help thinking about the fact that Yohan came all the way here just to see how she's doing. "How did everything happen though...? I can't remember anything..."
"Well...I just remember that I called Jaemin at around eight pm, but...I wasn't feeling good at all of course, I was crying, feeling dizzy and my chest was aching then all of sudden he said that I must have fainted because of the sound that my phone must have made from hitting the ground..." she heaves a sigh, finding it difficult to recall that moment. "When he heard Koya barking he knew that something was wrong...so he came to my house and brought me to the emergency..."
"I'm so sorry my baby..." my eyes fixed on her with sorrow to never miss a thing, I press my lips together but cannot eat anymore. "I'm okay," she fakes a smile, her features always easy to understand since I know her well. "And...I was more worried about you than I was about myself anyway so...yeah...I was scared when he told me you were in the hospital as well but he was glad he told himself he should call you. You didn't answer all the calls so that's the reason why he came up to your house and saw after maybe more than ten minutes that you were not conscious either..."
Hearing all those explanations I now realize with displeasure that if Jaemin wasn't there, horrible things could have happened to her.
"But let's forget everything..." she doesn't let the silence remain in the room, not even hating me after the disgusting words I said. "I understand you."
"Why are you like that y/n...? Even I can't stand what I said to you..." everything goes out as I cannot believe how she can forgive me so easily. "Because I love you..." her words hit me right in the feels, my heart skipping a beat. This sounded even deeper with the soft tone of her voice. "And...I know you're jealous...I know you're scared and all so I understand it. I just wish you could trust me when I tell you that I'm sincere and would not leave you for someone else but I won't be mad if you still feel unsure..."
I tear up in front of her, feeling emotional at her words and how special she is. Even though I hate to admit it, Jaemin is right when he tells me I'm just hurting her.
"I love you so much, my baby..." I lay my hand over the blanket to touch her thigh, feeling blessed by her smile. "I love you too, stop crying," her dainty fingers wipe my tears away, her warm skin bringing to me a pleasant comfort, I smile uncontrollably.
•••
3 pm.
I land my car keys onto the entry table as I walked back into the house, Koya already running everywhere to certainly look for y/n. I exhale sharply but take my shoes and jacket off, to head to the kitchen and take care of the little puppy who must not have eaten or drunk a lot.
I pour some fresh water in one of the dishes and fill the other with its favorite kibbles. This feels so empty in here without y/n, this is physically painful for me to handle this silence and lack of life but I had to leave because of the visiting hours. I wonder how she's feeling right now though.
Since I heard Koya running back to me at the sound of the dry food hitting the dish, I stay squatted down but take my phone out. Feeling the fluffy fur of my little puppy tickling my skin as he came closer to me, I peek at him with a smile but let him eat, to place one arm over my knees and focus on my phone.
[ Are you going to eat dinner soon?❤ >
< Yes fortunately because I'm hungry❤ ]
[ Try to eat a little snack you have then...What are you doing rn?❤ >
< Watching tv but feeling bored and you?❤ ]
[ I wish I was with you...❤ >
< Me too but please...don't feel depressed or sad cause I saw you crying when you walked out of the room...I'll feel better if I know you're okay and happy, alright?❤ ]
[ Mhm...😔❤ >
< We'll get on facetime tonight❤ ]
[ I'm happy then, I can't wait❤ >
Since no text comes from her anymore, I lock my phone and hold it in my hand to cross my arms on my knees and watch Koya eating.
"Haven't you eaten today...?" I bring my hand to him with some worry, seeing him savoring his food as if he hadn't fed his stomach for quite a while, I caress him in a gentle manner but cannot help thinking about y/n when she holds him or plays with him.
No matter what I do, see or hear, I just cannot get her out of my head, not once but who could I say that to? If I was telling her I miss her and want to see her as many times as I want to she would be sick of me.
I stand up to exhale sharply again, sighing on repeat and feeling more than jaded. I comb my hair back while heading to some bottles, getting those red ends out of my sight, my feet drag me to the living room once I have a bottle of wine and a balloon glass, to lay them on the coffee table but drop myself on the sofa.
I put one arm over my head to cover my eyes and close them. "Koya..." I call him in a voice full of weariness. In short seconds, his little paws make noise onto the floor while helping him to rush to me so I pull my arm down to check where he is. A grin forms on my face as soon as I see him on two legs by my side, wondering why I called him. I take him up in my arms and turn to my left, to cuddle this fluffy baby and peck his head.
"You miss mommy too...hm?" I look into his big black eyes, their deepness always trapping me with the emotions they can bring to me. I smile unceasingly but caress his head. Thank god I have him, otherwise I would be getting all by myself.
I love him a lot but right now, he's breathing heavily at my face and the scent is killing me badly. He's cute but he stinks.
I giggle on my own but let him move how he wants, to sit down while I just need to sleep for a moment.
10 minutes later...
I turn around for the thousandth time, not standing this loneliness while Koya is sleeping in his own small bed. No text from y/n, no sound, nothing. I rub my hand onto my face but sit up onto the sofa, pulling my hair back, I grab the bottle of wine I let on the coffee table and open it, to serve myself an entire glass.
Since I like to drink this on an empty stomach, I savor the taste at first but then gulp all the liquid down, to fill the glass again. I just want to help myself sleeping and feeling better.
As the flavorful drink went down my throat, I place the glass back on the flat surface to lean back and start unbuttoning my dress shirt. I hate this tight cloth not making me comfortable at all, I take it off and drop it by my side, keeping my black trousers on, my eyes land on my phone as if a text was about to pop up on the screen just because I want it to.
A sigh running away from my warm lips still tasting like wine, I stretch my arms out to grab my phone and glass, getting into my gallery where all the pictures I want to see in order to brighten up my mood.
Her features appearing on my large screen, my lips curve up into a smile full of love but I close my eyes and think about her, to sip on my wine, drinking it like water to fill my veins with alcohol and affect my body second by second.
My head falls onto the back of the sofa, my finger locking the phone to rest it on my lap and grip onto my glass. I shouldn't do this, I shouldn't get drunk just because I'm not feeling okay but this is the only thing that can relieve me of my stress.
I take one last gulp of my drink and place it right back on its spot, to lie down with my head making me a bit dizzy all of a sudden. I reach my phone right under me, connecting it to my speaker and picking a piece of music to play. Once the relaxing music calmly fills the room, I drop my device next to me. A plaintive moan escapes from me and I close my eyes, to let everything take over me.