57 ; missions
Before I knew it, it was Christmas Eve.
I ended up having to stay in the hospital, under very close supervision, for nearly two weeks. The moment that my blood had replenished itself, my white blood cells decided to rain Armageddon down on my body.
The effects of the Cruciatus Curse mixed with the complete and utter exhaustion was overwhelmingly harmful.
Arlo finally agreed to release me when my blood was no longer actively trying to kill me.
There was no welcome home party this time.
While I was side-lined for health reasons, a large group of Death Eaters attacked the village that Lily and James were living in. They managed to break into their home, through the dozens of charms that Lily had placed. It was an extremely close call, as Lily and James had managed to hide under James' invisibility cloak under their neighbor's playset while Death Eater's raided their home. Lily was forced to cast a silencing charm on Harry to keep the Death Eaters from hearing him, and finding them.
I was the only person who had been told of their location.
Since the raids had been so dangerous, so close, Albus was extremely weary and had begun to suspect anyone and everyone of being a mole. As I no longer trusted him, I refused to put Remus or Peter in danger by telling Albus that I was wary of them. Before the dueling club, when I did trust him, I hadn't gotten the chance to discuss them with him. I didn't trust him anymore by the first chance I got to talk to him about a mole in the Order.
For all I knew, he would have them both murdered on the spot.
So he told me, and only me, where they were. This was immediately before the dueling club, so it is a possibility that someone followed Lily and James home from the hospital, and then ratted.
Albus then moved Lily and James to a manor Bulgaria, under extreme supervision. There were five Aurors stationed in the manor with them at a time, and ten more blending in with the nearby villagers.
I had gone to an Order meeting, held the week after I was released from St. Mungo's. The entire meeting was spent with everyone awkwardly avoiding looking at me. I didn't blame a single one of them, as I looked as though I was fatally ill. I had been unable to sleep for weeks, having constant nightmares of the duel every time I even dozed.
Arlo had been forced to give me a dreamless potion, as well as a sleep potion.
Even then, I was far too anxious to even think of sleeping, so the dark circles under my eyes were so bad. I had lost a significant amount of weight and looked as though I was a shell of a person.
Just as much as everyone was avoiding looking at me, they were all glaring deeply at Albus.
The events of the dueling club had sent a shock wave rippling through the Order, and everyone who had heard was weary around him. They all looked at him with distrust in their eyes. If he could betray someone he was so adamant about protecting, then who wouldn't he hurt? If he was fine with nearly killing me, one of the few people Albus considered vital to the success of the Order, what wouldn't he do?
At that Order meeting, I learned about the increase in Death Eaters patrolling the streets. I learned of the increase in kidnaps, tortures, and bodies being dropped on Order member's doorsteps. They knew that I was not stupid enough to apparate into their headquarters, so they figured that kidnapping their targets was significantly more efficient.
When the meeting adjourned, Albus asked for James, Sirius and I to stay behind for a moment.
Lily was home with Harry, as they both had a cold.
The meeting had been attended by most of the central Order members. There were not nearly as many people in attendance as there had been during the duel.
For a moment, and only a moment, I wondered if anyone had left the Order because of what Albus did.
I doubted it, heavily, but part of me knew that if anyone had ever had second thoughts about trusting him... That sealed the deal. There was no chance that anyone who hadn't trusted Albus before, could ever trust him now.
The acknowledgment of that brought fiery guilt with it.
That was something I had noticed about myself. I felt unbelievably guilty for things I had absolutely no reason to feel guilty about, at all. It was frustrating to me, and likely very concerning to my friends.
The meeting had been short, as there was not a lot to report. Most of the members who usually had news were not in attendance for one reason or another. Dean was with my daughters, and it was getting close to Christmas.
When Albus invited the three of us to stay behind, I had noticed that Remus and Peter hung back in confused concern. Remus seemed more confused than anything, while Peter had a look of annoyance plastered across his ratlike face. I should have noticed him lingering longer than even Remus did. I should have noticed that he didn't go out the same door everyone else had.
But I had a headache, and I was incredibly tired. I was extremely anxious, afraid that at any moment someone could attack me without any warning. The fact that I was afraid of being attacked in the Order headquarters was the most concerning side-effect of the dueling club.
I was supposed to be the safest here.
The moment that it appeared we were all alone, Albus searched around for stragglers. He looked in every nook and cranny, under the chair and tables.
He did not, however, look behind the curtains. I wish he would have. That was the only possible place, there were no holes in the walls, no low furniture to hide under. Nothing but the curtains.
Once he was satisfied that we were alone, he proceeded to inform me and Sirius of Lily and James' new location. At this time, there was no reason to believe Sirius was anything other than what he said; my devoted husband, and James' best friend. This meant that Albus was very free about information with him. Everything I knew, Sirius knew, and nobody minded.
The only reason I had failed to inform Sirius about James and Lily's location when they lived in the small village was that I needed to rule him out. I never even suspected Sirius was telling Order secrets to the Death Eaters. I knew how much he hated them more than anyone else did. I did it to make it very clear to Albus that Sirius was not at fault.
My biggest fear at that time was that someone would begin to blame Sirius. So I took matters into my own hands and ensured that nobody - specifically Albus - could. There was no chance that Sirius had told anyone of their location, as he didn't know it.
And that left us with very, very few people.
As far as we knew, only me and Albus knew exactly where they were.
Aurors were not told a specific house, rather just the general area. I knew their address because Albus told me.
This time, Sirius and I knew, in addition to the Aurors stationed in their homes. Albus needed to reassign Dean to protecting Lily and James for the time being. He had done such a good job keeping me safe, but it appeared to Albus that I no longer needed that protection. Not as much as Lily and James did. He told us that it was more likely to be a permanent change than a temporary one. Lily and James didn't have a built-in magic detector.
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss having him around. The morning of the Order meeting, when he came over to watch the girls, had been the first time I'd seen him in two weeks.
Albus and James told us about how James was on board for the Fidelius charm, but Lily was not budging. She used my unhappiness as an example. I had been locked in my home for two years, allowed to go nowhere but to my doctor by myself. I was constantly under surveillance, and it was extremely taxing. I hated it, and Lily knew that. She used my hatred of my lifestyle as her reasoning to not want it.
I did not blame her in any way. I knew how awful being locked at home was. The only difference for Lily would be that she would not get to leave the house for doctor's appointments nearly as often as I do. She and James would truly be isolated.
James wanted nothing more than he wanted to protect his family. Despite that, I knew he would hate the Fidelius charm. He would never be happy in that kind of situation.
Still, James said he wanted it. It was not my place to tell him he would hate it. I suspected that he knew he would. James was never the kind of person to be confused about how he felt. He knew he loved Lily from the moment he met her. I did not need to tell him what he certainly already knew.
We left shortly after that. Albus and James stayed behind to discuss the extent of the Fidelius charm. I knew James would try very hard to convince Lily to accept it.
They did need it. More than I ever had, more than anyone else ever did. They were still assuming that I would be their secret keeper. I did not have the heart to break it to them that I thought it was a very bad idea. It had nothing to do with the fact that once I became their secret-keeper, I would no longer be allowed to leave my house. I could not care less about that, not when it came to Harry, Lily, and James.
My problem was that Voldemort would stop at nothing to hurt me. He would have everyone I had ever known killed, and the Death Eaters would pick up speed on murdering innocent people. They would traumatize me into some kind of submission, despite knowing I would never tell James.
They'd try to drive me crazy. If I had to witness the hundreds of murders that they would likely commit, and then relive them through nightmares, over and over...
They could easily drive me insane if they tried hard enough.
I knew that it was the least safe option for everyone but my brother and his family. I knew that if I agreed; if I did it, more than just everyone I had ever known would be in danger. Hundreds, maybe thousands, of lives would be in danger.
I could not be their secret keeper because of the intense magnitude of lives that would be put in danger. I couldn't.
There were two more Order meetings before Christmas. One of them occurred the day before Christmas Eve. I had opted out of the first one, feeling very ill, but I was implored to attend the second. Lily was extremely insistent on my attending, and so I relented.
I had wanted to stay home with the girls.
The meeting was not long, but it was not short. I had arrived ten minutes early, as I did with literally everything, and most people arrived ten minutes late.
Albus arrived on time, but it was just the two of us for quite a while. Sirius had stayed home since Dean's attendance was requested. Neither of us looked at one another for several long minutes.
"You look better," Albus spoke first. I tried to ignore his comment, but I was still angry. I guess he noticed my eye roll. "I am sorry, Jemina. I am not sorry that I tested your abilities as extensively as I did, but I am sorry that you got hurt. Emotionally, and physically."
"Thank you. I don't forgive you, but I do appreciate the apology. I need time... probably more than you can give me. I almost died because of your arrogance and carelessness."
"I do not enjoy being told off by a twenty-year-old, but you are right. If you had died, the Order would have imploded. That is not all that I am concerned about, but I do realize how careless and irresponsible putting you in a position like that was. It was uncalled for and irrevocably unkind. I hope you can forgive me before my eventual death."
"As long as you don't die tomorrow, that's a possibility."
Albus smiled, softly, as we went silent. Remus was the first to arrive. He came in frantically, immediately sighing when he noticed us. Albus stood, and I raised an eyebrow.
I guess Remus realized how concerning his entrance must've been, "Sorry, I thought that I was late. I see that I am not."
"No, you're late, but everyone else is later than you."
Remus rolled his eyes at my comment as he came to sit beside me. He firmly planted himself between Albus and me, throwing the most gentle glare towards the former.
I found it incredibly amusing that despite everything, Remus seemed so utterly protective of me. Even against the strongest wizard alive, even if I have beaten said wizard in a duel, his priority was still to protect me.
It felt good to know that he cared about me.
There was nothing I hoped for more than I hoped it wasn't Remus.
The meeting lasted just under three hours and was very uneventful. It was informative, but it was uneventful.
James and Lily were barred from coming to larger Order meetings, mostly because one of the possibilities is that someone is following them. It was very dangerous for them right now.
I kept offering to have them move in with me - it kept everyone a hundred times safer. Sirius would be the one protecting all of us, and if I trusted him with my life, our daughter's lives, I trusted him with my brother's. There was nothing that the Death Eaters could do to hurt Sirius, not the way they have so many ways to hurt me.
My visions are my biggest weakness. The Death Eaters knew how to work around them. I had no doubt they knew how to exploit them. If they wanted to use them against me, they easily could. They didn't have a reason to try to drive me to insanity. Voldemort seemed to no longer want me dead, and that scared me. If he wanted me alive, what did he want to do to me?
I hoped it was as simple as wanting to kill me himself. That meant that he would likely want a duel to come of it, especially if word got out that I had defeated Albus in a duel. Voldemort would want to duel me, kill me, and then would feel vindicated that he was more powerful than Albus. There was nothing that I wanted less than I wanted to die. My will to live was stronger than ever, and it was fueled entirely by my determination to protect my family.
I needed them safe, more than anything.
The Order meeting was not about keeping them, or me, safe. It was a briefing about what my first mission would be. Albus had decided that I was ready to be briefed for a mission more than a month out. Remus had been briefed before I was out of the hospital, and he insisted that I was the best person for the job.
It was not a difficult mission, but it would not be easy. Simple task with a lot of potential problems. The number of things that could go wrong was unbelievable.
We were going to transport Francine and Franklin, and their younger sisters, to a safe house. Where they were at the moment was safe, entirely because of the magic surrounding it. That magic would no longer protect them once they turned 17. I didn't know the magic, but Albus said it was a charm he'd known about for a very long time, and only recently learned to perform.
Their home was in their younger sister, Emelia's name, instead of either of their own. According to Albus, since Emeline was their blood relation, the home was safe for them. It wasn't difficult to get the five-year-old to do her part of the charm, even if she had no idea what she was doing.
Emelia's twin sister, Eveline had refused to participate. She had said that since she didn't understand, she wouldn't do it. Emelia was far less concerned with understanding and wanted only to make the "cool guy" happy.
We had a month to prepare for any, and all, possibilities. I was nervous because it would be just Remus and me.
I had left the meeting feeling anxious about being alive. I knew that I could protect myself if I needed to, but I was so anxious about all of the possibilities that I couldn't know to prepare for. Since the dueling club, I was hyper-aware of everything. It made my anxiety so uncontrollably annoying.
Being constantly vigilant was exhausting.
From the moment I stepped through the door of our home, Sirius kept his eyes locked on me. I think he had noticed how uncomfortable I was in my skin. He knew how much I hated being me, hated being one of those that Voldemort was so adamant about catching. The danger that I was putting everyone I knew in... I hated doing that to people I cared about.
He was also very wary about leaving me alone because I had been incredibly needy. I wanted to be with someone else at all times and despised being alone more than anything. I had never been like that in my entire life. I used to prefer being alone, but something about the way that everything felt was overwhelming. Having someone beside me made me feel a bit less overwhelmed. Having Sirius beside me made me feel safer.
Christmas Eve came, and we spent it alone. It was just the four of us. Christmas Day was a bit cheerier, as I made a big breakfast, and a bigger dinner. Any food that we didn't eat, I wrapped up and under a glamour charm, delivered it to the orphanage in Godric's Hollow.
We didn't have a gift exchange, for the first time in my life. James and Lily couldn't risk shopping, and neither could Remus and Peter. The Order - mainly Albus - worried that Death Eaters would try to kidnap them to lure me to them. While Peter and I were never even friends, James cared a great deal about him. I could never let Peter die, solely because of James' fondness of him.
New Year's Eve and Day passed without Sirius or I even acknowledging it until the second week of January when Lily sent a letter regarding her birthday. Neither of us had noticed that the year had changed, nor did we notice that her birthday was fast approaching.
I was nervous because her birthday meant that Remus and I had two weeks before our mission.
This year would be the first year that we wouldn't be able to spend her birthday as a group. Even when during our Hogwarts years, the semester would start back up before her birthday.
That made this year very bittersweet. Unbelievably bittersweet.
I was just glad that Lily had James with her, to make her day as special as he could.
But since I couldn't spend my best friend's birthday with her, I spent a collective two hours on a very long, super sappy, letter for her. Sirius read some of it over my shoulder and made that annoying fake gagging noise. I agreed with his assessment of it being so sickly sweet, but Lily deserved it. I wanted her to know how much I loved her. Sending that letter to her made me feel a lot better about not being able to spend the day with her. The only way we could have was if Sirius and I went to their house, all the way in Bulgaria.
There were dozens of reasons that it wasn't safe, the glaring reasons being that we'd be out of the safety of our Fidelius charm for at least two days. The drive, even in my flying car, would take a whole 24 hours - one way. We'd likely also spend a few days with them, which increased the danger.
So we all chose to just spend the day apart.
I noticed the symptoms the week before her birthday. The timing was awful, but what could I do about it? Nothing - that's what. I had been so excitedly nervous about my mission, and this did nothing but put a massive damper on it.
The last thing I wanted right then was another child. Aubrey was barely six months old, and my pregnancy with her was not fun in the slightest. I didn't want to go through it again, especially since both of my births were traumatic and could have killed me.
I wasn't even 21.
Sirius and I were careful, of course.
I should have noticed two months before, in December. The dueling club happened in late November, and I was released from the hospital on the 8th of December. My first Order member after that was on the 15th, and then Christmas Eve.
If I had paid more attention, I would have recognized the severe morning (and afternoon) sickness that I endured for a week before Christmas, and the week after, as more than fallout. I would have realized much sooner if it wasn't for the severe impact on my body.
I hadn't even thought it was possible. The timing placed me around 7 weeks by Lily's birthday. I had just gotten out of the hospital around that time. My body had been so weak, and I'd been so sick. One good day...
Once I realized, I sent a letter to Lily. She and James sent two letters back, one from each, reiterating the timing, and laughing about it
Lily asked if I had told Sirius. I sent a letter back saying that I was scared to tell Sirius, as the last thing we wanted to worry about was another child. It was already hard enough with two. Esme had her bedroom but we'd been putting off talking about where Aubrey's room would be. For the time being, since she was sleeping through the night every night, we put her crib in Esme's room. Anytime she even seemed fussy while we were putting her to sleep, we'd move the crib to our room. Esme wasn't old enough to get the attic loft, and I didn't want to put either of them in a glamoured basement.
A third child would mean that we would have to move.
That was the last thing anyone wanted. The entirety of the Order would likely protest a move, as it takes quite a while to set up a Fidelius charm. I certainly didn't want to move, I loved my home so much. Why would I want to leave somewhere that I had made my own? This was my safe and happy home.
She said that she was happy for me, and hoped I'd figure it out before they were born.
I didn't respond to that letter before I sent her the long one I had written, and by the end of the first week of February, I still hadn't told Sirius.
I knew that I needed to, and I planned to, I just didn't know how? I wanted it to be a better conversation than the lack of one with Aubrey, but I was so afraid he wouldn't be as confusingly excited as I was. I hadn't planned to have another child so soon, nor did I exactly want one right then, but I did want another child eventually. Since I knew I was pregnant, that meant my body most likely wasn't attacking them.
The happiness I felt was that I was having another baby, the timing was my only source of unhappiness.
Sirius had woken me up at the crack of dawn two weeks before my mission. I had planned to tell him before Remus came over for planning, as he would know the moment he got close to me. I didn't want him to accidentally out me to my husband. Sirius needed to know before Remus arrived.
He woke me up with breakfast, and from the moment I saw the blueberry pancakes, I was suspicious. Did he know? Did he do something stupid? Was this his way of buttering me up to ask me not to go on the mission?
The mission would still happen despite this, and I planned to still be a part of it. Whether I put myself in danger by going with Remus was still in the air.
"What is all this?"
"Breakfast," Sirius smiled widely. I couldn't stop myself from raising an eyebrow, and scoffing softly.
"Why?"
"Remember how Remus was supposed to come next week?"
A wave of anxiety ran over me, and the look on Sirius' face - a mixture of sheepish apology and arrogance - told me exactly what the mutt did.
"Sirius, I swear to Merli-"
"Hey, Minnow."
SHIT.
The bloody wolf was in my doorway, leaning against the frame with the biggest smirk on his face. One look at his stupid expression told me that he knew. Whether he had told Sirius or not wasn't as obvious. I glared at him deeply as he smirked at me. I hated that he had that look on his face that screamed that he had something on me. There was nothing I disliked more than someone knowing something about me that I didn't want them to.
I didn't want Remus to know I was pregnant yet.
"Why are you here so soon?"
"Are you not happy to see me?" Remus smiled as he approached the bed. The tone of his voice was teasingly arrogant, and I hated it when Remus got like that. His entire body language told me that he was purposely annoying the shit out of me, "I figured the pancakes would make up for the surprise but are they even going to agree with your stomach?"
"I will bind your hands to your feet, and ballgag you if you continue to speak."
Remus laughed, and Sirius looked at me with surprised confusion. A wave of relief was all that I felt, and I glared - apologetically - at Remus.
"That's quite... dramatic, Minnow, you two good?"
"We're fine, it's just a surprise," I smiled softly as he watched me. I looked at Remus, "Can you get me a glass of apple juice?"
He nodded as he turned from the room, the smirk still plastered on his face.
Sirius looked at me expectantly, "I take it you have something to tell me?"
"Yeah, I do."
He nodded once, then tore a piece of pancake off, tossing it in his mouth before I could protest. I frowned deeply.
"You're pregnant, aren't you?"
"You know?"
"I found the test two weeks ago and have been waiting for you to tell me since. I knew that the moment you knew Remus was here, you'd rush to tell me."
I nodded, softly, and sheepishly. "I was going to tell you, I promise. I just didn't know how to. You seemed so happy with the way things are- I'm sorry."
"I am happy, Jem, and a new baby won't change that. I love the girls more than anything in the world, and I have plenty more love to give. That is something I will never run out of."
All I could do was smile as the tears immediately began to well in my eyes. Sirius smiled widely as he scooted closer and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. The amount of love that I had for this man was unbelievable. The fact that he loved our daughters just as much as I did only reinforced the fact that he was the love of my life.
He and Remus sat with me while we all ate in my bed, both of the girls still sound asleep.
Once we were done, it was about the time we usually wake them up, so I did. Remus and Sirius moved to the living room where they began to talk about the upcoming mission. Once I got Esme sat at the kitchen table with her breakfast and Aubrey was fed, I joined them. I sat Aubrey on the couch with me, on the cushion between me and Remus. Sirius sat beside Remus, on the part of the couch that was against the wall. I sat in the same spot every single day. The back of the couch was to the kitchen, but I sat with my back against the arm of the couch.
The only part of the room I couldn't easily see was the front door.
Quickly the conversation drifted to what I would do now since I was pregnant. I admitted that I most likely would not be apart of the team that went and retrieved and transported the twins. I insisted that if I felt it was safe enough, I would go, but if I had even an ounce of a bad feeling, I would let Sirius go in my stead.
So we planned for what felt like forever, discussing all of the potential problems that could arise.
Remus offered to make the girls lunch while Sirius and I continued to talk. The conversation was now about what we would do once the baby was born. We talked about moving, where we'd decide to move to, and when we'd move. We planned to start looking once I was around six months and have a place chosen before I had the baby. We'd stay here while the Order worked on getting the Fidelius charm on the new place, and move in the day it was finished.
I suggested that we tell nobody but Albus where the house was until after it was safe. Not even James could know. Sirius seemed confused, but I knew I shouldn't tell James where I was moving before the Fidelius charm made it safe. If he knew, he would tell Remus and Peter if they even hinted at wanting to see the house. The first time he'd see the house would be during the Fidelius charm - as I would want him to be the Secret-Keeper.
The safer option was to wait until the house was safe, just as I had done with this one. Once we moved out, I would offer this house - and it's Fidelius charm - to James and Lily. They could choose to continue to refuse the charm, but I would resort to begging if I had to.
Lily sent me a long letter the next day, gushing about how adorable the letter I sent her was. She admitted to crying for quite a long time, and to forcing James to read it too. She said that James had teared up around the part about how important she was to the person he is but insisted it was a "disgustingly cheesy" letter. Lily asked if I had told Sirius yet, and what my plan was. I sent her a letter telling her about our plan, leaving out offering them this house.
She'd refuse before she even thought about it.
The next week went by rather quickly, and part of me wished it hadn't. The happiness and safety of that week was such a relieving change. Of course, it didn't last.
I was scheduled for my first ultrasound on the 10th of February. Remus had accompanied me and the girls as Sirius was asked to attend a small Order meeting. He planned to inform the Order of my situation so that Albus was prepared when we needed to move. He'd meet us at the Hospital when the meeting was adjourned, accompanied by James.
James had been asked to the meeting too. I was beyond curious as to the subject of the meeting, but I was preoccupied with Genevieve. They would be here before the end of my appointment since Sirius left a couple of hours before I did.
The moment she saw me in the waiting room, she rolled her eyes playfully.
She reiterated her belief that Sirius and I are too good at this, and I laughed as I hopped up onto the bed. Esme asked to sit on my lap, so I pulled her onto my thighs. She watched Genevieve as she bustled around - grabbing the gel and the machine, looking for the clipboard with my information.
"Any symptoms?"
"The usual, nausea, over-dramatic reactions, tenderness, headaches. The same stuff as Aubrey and Esme, plus some awful heartburn."
"Anything else?"
"I woke up with a bit of cramping this morning, and spotting, but that happened with Esme."
She nodded as she jotted all of that down, she turned to me as she set the clipboard down. I was instructed to lay back and lift my shirt. Esme turned to face me and held my hand for stability as I did what Genevieve instructed. Esme poked my stomach and giggled.
As Genevieve squirted the gel on my stomach, Esme made a face.
I laughed at her as the wand touched my stomach.
The silence was deafening.
She confirmed that I was just under 10 weeks, and as she stared at the monitor, I could see it in her face. The overwhelming sense of dread that filled the room was just... heartbreaking. There was no sound at all. She continued to move the wand around, searching in vain.
I heard Sirius and James come into the room, but I didn't look at them. Their conversation immediately dropped as Genevieve looked at me, the saddest expression on her face. I didn't need her to say it, I heard what I needed to. She removed the wand, wiped off my stomach, and turned towards the boys. I pulled Esme onto my chest, wrapping my arms around her tightly.
My baby's heart hadn't developed past 5 weeks. It wasn't fully formed, and so it never beat.
I heard her tell them, and I heard Sirius' heart shatter as she did so. I heard it in the way he sighed, the way that he asked if it was caused by my immune disorder. I heard her say that my immune disorder had absolutely no effect on the baby. I heard her tell them that this was a rare occurrence, but it happened more often than she liked to see.
After what felt like a year, James came to help me off of the bed. Esme had fallen asleep, and so I gently set her into her stroller.
He wrapped an arm around me and held me tightly. Remus watched as I looked at Sirius, as he looked back at me. Part of me expected him to turn away from me, to refuse to look at me. I hoped he wouldn't, but I couldn't help but expect it. After losing the little girl four months ago, and now this? The timing was awful, and unfair.
Sirius watched me for a long moment before he gently grabbed my wrist and pulled me away from James. He wrapped his arms around me tightly, and it took all of my willpower to refrain from breaking into a thousand little pieces.
How was this infinitly more painful than Fleamont?
It wasn't the same pain, but it was so painful. Fleamont nearly killed me, the painfully guilt driven hopelessness was unbearable. This wasn't that pain; this was a pure, white-hot pain.
Fleamont snuck up on us, his death jumped out at us from behind a wall of cluelessness. I hadn't known that I was pregnant when we lost him, and the guilt from that not knowing was awful. For months I thought that maybe if I had known, I could've stopped it. I was so far along when he died that I could not stop blaming myself; I was nearly five months along, I should have known I was pregnant. Regardless of a lack of symptoms, I should've had that instinct.
I felt so much like I didn't deserve to be a mother. After I lost my baby boy, I thought that I didn't deserve Esme. Then Aubrey came along, and it took everything in me not to feel that way again.
Then the little girl. I was only able to curb those feelings because it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could have done.
But this? This was avoidable to a degree. Had I come in sooner, Genevieve could've caught the lack of growth before it became fatal. She could have monitored the baby's heart, and interviened in some way to help it grow. It was far too late now.
I could force the guilt away. I reminded myself that I didn't know, I could not have known this would happen. I told myself, over and over, that it's hindsight. I didn't know, couldn't have, but now I do. Now I know that it can happen, and if I ever get pregnant again, I can ensure that this doesn't happen again.
I can prevent it now, but I didn't know it could happen.
Still, my heart was shattered. Sirius and I had made plans for this baby, we had grown very attatched to the idea of having another little baby.
We had even picked out a boy name, the same one we had chosen for if Aubrey had been a boy.
Connor. I liked the idea of having a little boy, Connor Black, who would carry his father's name. I liked the idea of continuing that line, of changing the stigma about the Black family by creating a generation that was kinder. I wanted to be a large factor of creating a new legacy for the family name. I wanted a little boy, really badly.
I didn't mention it to Sirius, but I had talked to Lily. One of her symptoms early pregnancy was severe heartburn, which I didn't have with either of the girls. I was convinced that when we got to that point, Genevieve would tell us that we were going to have a little boy.
Now we weren't going to have anything.
I went on the mission the following week. Informing the Order that I had miscarried was very hard, and I ended up not being able to even speak. My entire defense against the drowning pain was focusing on making the work better for the girls.
Once the mission - which went flawlessly, aside from a situation where Remus and I ran into a Death Eater on the way to their house. The Death Eater was harassing a Muggle couple, taunting them heavily. They were intoxicated, and it was a quick fix. The Auror that came to retrieve him was incredibly amused by the situation, and his partner Obliviated the Muggles. They both thanked us, and we went on our way.
I was heavily glamoured, of course. Long, straight blonde hair, green eyes, and closer to Lily's height than my own.
We were back to the Order headquarters an hour earlier than we had anticipated needing to be.
Unfortunately, the reason it was so easy was far darker than we could have planned.
The Death Eaters were too busy raiding the Manor that Lily and James were living in to be bothered worrying about the twins. It was extremely fortunate that they were staying with me, James wanted to offer as much support to Sirius and I as he possibly could. I really enjoyed spending time with them, as I had missed Lily dearly.
She was incredibly important to keeping me from losing my mind.
The only people who knew that Lily, James, and Harry were at my house was Albus and Dean. I had made the decision not to tell anyone else.
My only problem with not telling anyone else was the timing. Remus had left my house the day that Lily and James had come over, before they arrived. They had an appointment for Harry, and decided to come to my house instead of making the long trip back to Bulgaria. The full moon took place the next night, so Remus' leaving made complete sense.
But then the Manor was attacked, while he and I were on a mission. Once again, I had no proof that said that Remus was not the mole, aside from just hoping.
The attack on the Manor was devastating. Three Aurors were captured, four of them were killed, and two more were severely injured. Dean was among the injured, a fact that I was unbelievably grateful for.
Eilene, however, was among those captured.
When Albus told me, I told him that I knew she would be fine, Eilene was far more determined than anyone else that I knew. She would get out of there, and likely take down a couple Death Eaters too. I said that she would come back, likely with a hell of a story.
I was wrong.