Chapter 12 – Reality Check 1.2
The Same Night – 10 PM
Arnav's POV
I picked up the glass of the water next to me, and drank it quickly, and then I shifted my chair towards the face of my poolside, which was my personal space adjacent to my room,and I gazed at my reflection in the water, and for a second I was taken aback too, because of the pain and anguish that reflected back at me.
I tried to compose myself, but I couldn't, I just couldn't. I had just finished talking to Di, about earlier today, and I had felt that onslaught of pain return, and it didn't come alone, it came along with the eight years too late, realisation of Love.
Di pulled her chair next to me, and she held my hand as she spoke – " I know this is hard..."
I sighed as I looked at her, I had only felt this broken once before, and that was when Khushi had vanished from my life, and I knew my sister could read the pain in my being right now because I could spot the tears in her eyes and I took a deep breathe – " its not just hard di, that would be an understatement to what iv been feeling, this hollow feeling in the middle of chest wont just go away di, and to be honest I have only felt so broken once before, and that was when I had realised that Khushi had vanished from my life, and I had made the choice to suppress it all, because I didn't know how to deal with this pain, and then for all these years I had always felt this need to stay connected to her memories, no matter how distant she was, hell, I didn't even know where she was, maybe my heart didn't want to forget someone who gave it so much to remember, and now that I have realised that it was always love, I don't know how to stop the onslaught of emotions that come with that realisation,and it feels like im just helplessly drowning into a whirlpool of love, emotion, angst and heartbreaking pain, all at once, and I have no idea how am I going to cope up with this..."
Di took a deep breathe as she pressed my hand – " it will be ok, give yourself time, let your emotions work with your mind this time around,and it will all start to get better.."
I sighed – " I don't know about that di,but all I know is that I cannot undo the realisation of love,I cannot undo the emotion, the pain, the memories, and probably I'm just destined to be stuck this way..im sure my fate , is having a good laugh at my helplessness right now..."
Di pulled me into a side hug – " no chotte, it isn't like that alright, don't be so harsh on yourself,I will not justify your mistakes because I know you committed a blunder but then , now, with the reality in your face, you are going to have to stop beating yourself within about it, you have got to let that guilt go..."
I looked into her eyes – " really how?? How should I do that di, because all I feel is anger at myself , had I not been stupid in the past, it would have been different..."
Di – " well you can choose to think about the what if's but they will drive you crazy, you cannot change the past, the only option you have here is to face the present..."
I sighed.My sister was always right.
"I love her di, I loved her back then too,and you were right when you said that a part of me is very strongly in love with Khushi and her memories, even though she wasn't a part of my life for the last eight years, and you know what I relaised di, it's the hardest to let go of something that you never really had, because a part of you yearns for it in such a strong way , that you just cant let go...gosh di...I feel like I want to cry..."
My sister pulled me in for a warm hug ,and I just seeked comfort in her affection, as I wiped a tear out of my eye , I wanted to cry , but then I wouldnt cry in front of her, it would kill her to see me this way, and I only had myself to blame for my stupidity that landed me in this mess in the first place ,and she pulled back many minutes later and she picked up Khushi's business card from the table on the side and she looked at it and she asked – " what now...??"
I took the card from her hand , as I spoke , taking a deep breathe – " I love her di, I really do,and even though iv realised it late, it doesn't really take away any importance from the fact that it was always love for me, but then I would never know what it was for Khushi...I mean, I don't know if she was ever in love with me, she didn't ever say she was, and then ofcourse we parted ways, but because I love her, I will respect the facts and the reality of what Life is for her today.Shes married and settled in her life, and after all the damage I have done in the past, I have absolutely no right to barge into her life, so no matter how painful it is going to be, I just have to cope up with the fact that, im just destined to stay out of her life, forever...."
Di clutched my hand as she cupped my face and kissed my head – " im so proud of you Chotte, that would be the right thing to do...and I know it will be difficult, especially if your paths keep crossing in the present again and again..."
I sighed – " but I want to apologize di,I owe her that..."
Di nodded - " yes, you should do that, no matter what life is today, you need to seek forgiveness for hurting her in the past..."
I took the business card from Di's hand – " but she wouldn't talk to me face to face di ,im sure, she wouldn't want to be alone with me to discuss this, and I cannot force her...but I was thinking of writing her an email, I mean she doesn't have her personal contact number on this card but a office landline, but her email is stated here.."
Di nodded – " yeah I think that would be the right thing to do, and then its upto her to forgive you or not, atleast you would finally get that apology across..."
I nodded as I spoke – " and I will respect her decision ...anyways come ill drop you home now di, its late..."
Di stood up as she pulled me into a hug, and I hugged her back and she spoke – " you aren't a bad person Chotte, we all make mistakes in our lives...and while you are at seeking forgiveness from Khushi, please work on forgiving yourself too, its equally important..."
I gave her a silent nod, but I knew within, I could never forgive myself for this.It wasn't just a mistake that I had committed, it was a monumental blunder that had cost me the only one I had ever loved, and would probably love, in this Life.
I knew that my heart would never beat in the same way for anyone else in this world, like it had been beating for Khushi.
..............
30 minutes later
I returned back into my room ,and stepped in for long shower to refresh myself, because I would need to calm my edgy nerves, before I finally got down to writing that email to Khushi.
I was nervous.
Minutes later, I finally took my laptop, and settled in my bed, and picked up Khushi's business card and saved whatever details were on it on my phone, under her name.
And right then a message beeped on my phone.
Do you want to replace the existing contact details for the name?
Ofcourse, I still had Khushi's Boston no, saved in my phone.
I hadn't deleted her contact details , from the past.
I wasn't going to replace her old details with the new ones.
I couldnt.
I just had to create a new contact.
I just re-edited the new details , her office landline and email and saved it as – Khushi Gupta Mehra.
And then I took a deep breathe as I started to write to her at her gmail address which stated khushiguptamehra.
.......
Hi Khushi
I know, you want to look away in the present, but please don't press delete, until you have finished reading this email.
Please.
I thought a lot before writing this to you, I mean whether I should or not,as in would it be the right thing to do or not ,but then I just had to because , id been wanting to do this for the last eight years.
You were gone, Khushi, you vanished into thin air, wiping every trace of yourself from my Life, and I never got a chance to seek forgiveness for being such a brute in the past.
I didn't have any way of contacting you ,until today.
Im sorry Khushi.I really am.
You didn't deserve, any of it.
What I did was downright horrible!
I said things I shouldn't have,I implied things I shouldn't have, I am not at all proud off the way I behaved the last I saw you. And I truly am very sorry Khushi, and I seek your forgiveness with all my heart,and because I know you have the kindest heart,I hope you have it in you to forgive me.
And I know my best wishes are late,but Congratulations on the wedding Khushi.I wish you nothing but the best.
I have always wished well for you, for the last eight years.
And know that, I always will.
Arnav
.....
And as I finish writing my name, I feel that longing return, as I recalled how I was yearning to hear my name in her voice, just once, earlier this afternoon.
Gosh, I was going crazy.
I re-read the mail, I had written, and I finally took a deep breathe and pressed the send button.
I was nervous. What would Khushi feel when she read my email?
She would read it right??
Would she reply??
I didn't want to get my hopes high.
I probably wasn't going to get any reply.
But atleast, this time around I was sure, that my message was delivered.
.....................
A Day Later
Friday Evening
Arnav's POV
It was good that I hadn't got my hopes high, for ofcourse, Khushi did not reply to my email.
I had emailed her on Wednesday night at 1130 PM, and it was almost 5pm today, so basically it had been almost 42 hours since I had written that email to Khushi, but she hadn't replied.
I don't even know why I was expecting one, I mean she has every right to not reply. I don't deserve her forgiveness, maybe.
But atleast this time, I knew that my message had been delivered,so I had to take that chance and atleast try to apologize, it was important to me that the only girl I had ever loved wasn't out there hating me, now that I knew where she was and had an access to a mode of communication with her.
Maybe, I would write another email after some more time.
We also had another meeting at Balance, scheduled on Tuesday, which was three days from today, and I knew she would be there,because she had marked the common google meeting invite that Anshul had shared earlier today.
Maybe, I could try to seek apology in person too, but that was only if she looked at me as someone she had known in the past and not as some stranger.
Her forgiveness was important to me, but things were not in my favour.
I hadn't gotten much sleep last night too, because of the onslaught of love and pain and the memories of the past, along with the haunting reality of the present.
Di had been right, it all started with acceptance.
And now that I had finally accepted my emotions,I just had to find a way of coping up with this heartbreaking pain that was ruling my being.
I was still in that trail of thought, when my phone beeped.
It was Di : Chotte, I am here in Ambience Appartments in Gurgaon, id come to drop shiv at his friends place for a sleepover and also catch up with a friend,I had to send the driver back because of some work, you had mentioned that you would be in Vasant Kunj until evening, could you pick me up in 30minutes?
I quickly typed : Yes I could, the traffic doesn't look that bad today, thankfully. Ill be there in 30 minutes, and I will call you as I reach.
And I told Verma uncle to drive us to Ambience mall, the appartments were just behind it,right after the toll as one entered into Gurgaon from Delhi
I got an instant reply : Great, will you have dinner with your jiju and me tonight??
I know she wanted to help distract me for a while, I really wasn't in the mood, but I had never said a no to her, so I just typed : yes, we could do that.
Di : great then, call me when you reach.
I returned my attention to answering some of my mails. I still had to make some work calls, and I had to occupy my head, because if I didn't, it would go numb with the pain I was feeling within.
...............
30 minutes later
I reached the appartments, and I waited in the car as Verma uncle parked the car in the vivitor parking, near the common courtyardish open area, that was in the center of apartment blocks of the society.
I called di, but her no wasn't reachable, so I just sent her a message on whtsapp. The wifi usually saved us all, when the network was acting edgy.
I looked out the window of my car and I decided to step out and wait for di, the fresh air would do me good.
I got out and leaned against the door of my car,and returned my attention back to my emails,as I refreshed it again and again,what if Khushi had finally replied?
And right then I fell aside startled, as a football came buzzing right in my head from the side, and my phone fell to the ground, and I immediately picked it up and the ball, and I saw four small kids walking upto me, and I couldn't help but smile, three boys and a little girl, they were probably around 5 years, my neice's Mira's age,and I heard the little girl walk up to me with a apologetic smile as she asked – " uncle, are you hurt much?",and she turned to look at her friends as she spoke – "Atharv,Aarav and Krish, don't I keep telling you, you kick the ball around with so much force, and look its hit uncle..."
I smiled as I kneeled down,in front of this little girl, she had a smile of an angel, and I watched the boys step forward as they spoke – " sorry uncle, we were just playing...",and two of the biys instantly took the football back from my hand and ran back to play,and only one of them stood next to the little girl as he finally stepped in besides her as he spoke – " I am sorry uncle, I should have been more careful with my kick..it wasn't them, it was me"
The little girl grinned as she beamed at the boy – " that's the right thing to do Atharv, Mommy is going to be so proud of you..."
I couldn't help but smile as I asked – " and is he your little brother??and whats your name??"
The girl looked at me as she smiled and replied excitedly – " my name is Myra, and this is my brother Atharv..."
Atharv gave me a apologetic look , but rolled his eyes at his sister – " yes but I am not her little brother, we are twins, and myra is only a minute elder to me.."
God, these kids were adorable.They reminded me of Mira, and how spending time with her would bring out the inner child in us.
I grinned as I held each of their hands – "well myra and atharv, thank you for your apology, its accepted...", and right then the girl Myra touched my forhead as she spoke with a regretful voice – " oh no uncle, you have a bruise..."
Atharv immediately peeked in to look, and then he spoke, taking out something from his pocket – " oh , it's a good thing Mommy always keeps these bandaids in my pockets when I come to play..."
Myra looked at her brother and stuck out her tongue at him – "and that's because mommy knows that you are so clumsy,always falling down, hurting yourself or others...cmon help me, we have to put this for uncle..."
Gosh, could the two of them get any adorable, their cute sibling banter made me grin ,and I just sat their in silence, as Myra peeled out one end of the bandaid and Atharv peeled out the other and the two of them, took it by each end, and gently placed it over the side of my forhead,
The bruise was so little, it didn't need a bandaid, but I wasn't going to tell these adorable kids that,and spoil their moment.
Myra and Atharv smiled at me as they finished and spoke at the same time – " there you go uncle..".There was something about that smile, that felt so familiar, but I couldn't place it in my head.
I smiled – " thank you...",and I paused as I asked – "and are the two of you out here all alone playing by yourself??"
Myra – " no no uncle, our usha aunty was here with us, shes gone to the washroom.."
Atharv – "and we are only playing for a little time today..."
I asked on reflex – " oh really and why is that?"
Atharv smiled – "waiting for Mommy to come down uncle.."
Myra beamed in joy – "daddy will be here soon too, they are taking us for the movie,Disney's Aladdin.."
I grinned.The movie had been on Mira's list too and I smiled back at Myra – " oh and you both are obviously excited..."
Myra nodded – " ofcourse..."
Atharv winked at his sister– "and its all because I asked Mommy in my usual charming way, that she couldn't say no..."
I asked on reflex – " why would she say no??"
Myra smiled as she explained – " oho, uncle we have this rule, we are allowed movies on weekends only.."
Atharv grinned – " but mommy agreed to make this a special treat, because I asked in a way she cant say no.."
Myra stuck out her tongue at her brother again – "very funny, It wasn't just you ok, and daddy agreed too..."
I shook my head amused as I grinned – " you two are adorable and very good kids, I must tell your mother that..."
Atharv grinned as he leaned in and spoke – " Mommy is here..almost behind you...."and right then I heard a voice which neared to where I was - " Myra, Atharv, cmon, lets go..."
And I felt my insides freeze,as the voice echoed in my head again and again, I had my back to her,I couldn't see her, but I was sure, this voice was hers, as it neared and she called out again.This voice was Khushi's.And I looked at the two adorable kids in front of me,and the realisation started to dawn on me, this could only mean that these kids were Khushi's, I heard her voive nearing us – "myra, atharv...daddy will be here any minute...you don't want to miss the movie now,and we also have to pick up Tisha on the way...cmon"
I had react, I had to unfreeze my brain which had just numbed again with this new realisation.
I had to turn, and I had to see for myself for real.I quickly got up and turned around at the same time , I heard her speak – " Myra, Atharv....whom are you talkin..",and her words froze in her mouth as she finally got a clear look at me,and our eyes locked.
It was Khushi.
It really was Khushi in front of me.
I didn't think there was any other moment apart from the moment two days ago that could make my world come to a standstill.
But this moment did.
And I stood frozen, completely glued to my spot, as I looked at Khushi standing right in front of me in that moment.
She was in a shock too.None of us had expected this another thunderbolt encounter, chance had brought our way.
Ans maybe because she was as taken aback as I was in the moment, she stood frozen too and she didn't look away.
And I was sure, my eyes were giving me away.
And it felt like everything else around me hazed,as our eyes held each others gaze,and just as I was about to recognise the emotion that swam through her expressive eyes, she masked it and right then I saw Myra tug at her hand as she spoke – " Mommy, Atharv kicked the football into this uncles head by mistake...but Atharv apologized, I told him you will be proud of him"
She finally broke our eye lock as she gave her children a smile,and gestured them to come stand next to her,and they did and she kneeled down as she looked at Atharv, giving him a warm smile– " that's like my good boy, promise me you will be more careful next time..."
Atharv nodded as he kissed her on the cheek – " I promise Mommy..."
Myra grinned as she snuggled into her mothers embrace – "we helped uncle with your bandaid too..."
Atharv – " the one you kept in my pockets Mommy.."
She smiled at the two of them – " oh did you now?thats good...maybe you both can get that icecream today as well, itll be a special treat.."
Myra jumped in glee – " yippee.."
Atharv – " mommy is the best.."
I watched the adorable scene unfold in front of me, with which emotion, I don't know, I have no words to name the emotion I was feeling in the moment.
There was something so heartbreakingly beautiful about this moment in time ,that no words could ever suit the explanation.
It was a beautiful display of affection between a mother and her children.
And it was also the same vulnerable moment which brought me face to face with another reality about Khushi's life.
And I absolutely had no idea how to react.
I watched Khushi finally stand up,as she held each of her childrens hand and she asked me softly – " are you too hurt??im sorry..its just that..",and she paused,as our eyes locked, and realisation dawned on both of us in that vulnerable moment, that these were the exact same words that Khushi had spoken to me the first time we ever met, all those years ago on the basketball court, when I had been hit by the basketball,and she had tended to my wound ever so gently,and here, eight years forward in time, by some weird twist of fate,the same moment was repeating itself in time, but this time around it was her daughter and son, who had tended to my bruise,ever so gently.
I instructed myself to react, to move, to say something, and I was glad that the cells in my body finally started to defreeze as I replied softly – " im ok, its nothing..."and I paused as I looked at her and I smiled – " your kids are adorable Khushi..."
Her eyes lit up at that, and she gave me a polite smile as she spoke softly – " thank you...Mr Raizada.."
I felt my insided groan.Mr Raizada..again.
But her smile wasn't that aloof today, and that felt good, and I decided to push my luck as I asked softly – " I was wondering If you received my email...the other day???"
Atharv gave me a look as he asked – " you know my mommy?"
Myra – " howww??"
Khushi looked at me,and the emotions flickered in her eyes before she masked it again and she spoke softly, smiling at her children – " I know Mr Raizada, from work, hes one of my clients..."
And right then her phone rang, and she picked it up and she spoke into it – " yeah aadi...you're here...yes, we are down, we'll be right there...",and then she hung up and she looked at her children as she grinned – " daddy is here..cmon lets go..and ill just call usha aunty and ask her to go back up.."
She finally looked at me, and our eyes locked for a brief second again,and she spoke softly – " if youll excuse me now...",and she turned around and Myra and Atharv turned around and grinned at me with a wave– " bye uncle..."
I smiled back at them,and I waved back gently – " bye..."and watched them sprint towards the other end, where I spotted Khushi put them into the backseat of the car,and a man got of the driving seat to help her tuck in Myra in the backseat,and I saw them smile at each other, as they finally got in the car, and they left.
The man would be her husband, I assume.
I try to recall his name...Shed called him Aadi.
I close my eyes for a brief second, as realisation sinks again, and the pain in the middle of my chest returns, and I feel tears prick my eyes, as the smoke of the past starts with its usual onslaught of emotions.
There was something so poignant about what I was feeling right now.
I was happy for her.I really was happy about the fact that she wasn't stuck like me in the whirpool of chaotic emotions of the past and that she had moved on.But then, there was also a heartbreaking anguish that I felt in the moment, that it drew everything out of me in the moment, and chaotic emotions started to grip my heart.
Right then I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned around to see Di standing in front of me,and one look at her face told me that she had witnessed the scene and she asked softly – " that was Khushi right?? And the kids..."
I took a deep breathe as I spoke softly– "yes, that was Khushi, and she has twins, probably as old as Mira or maybe a couple of months older...the girls name is Myra and the boys name is Atharv"
Di pressed my hand as she asked softly – " you ok??"
I nodded.
It was a lie.
I was anything but ok.
But I gulped down the pain and I spoke – "yes, di, cmon now lets go...or the traffic will get worse..."
She understood my painful silence,and didn't push me further,and she just silently held my hand as we sat in the car, and Verma Uncle drove away and I looked out the window as the cars passed by.
How was I going to keep pretending that this wasn't a big deal,when everything inside of me was breaking all over again?
...............................
Arnav's POV
I had promised myself, that I was going to be honest about my emotions, to myself, if not to anyone else, but to myself I would be.
It was almost Midnight, and I continued to browse through my secret folders in my laptop, the folders that held the memories of the past ,the old pictures of Khushi and me together,all my undelivered texts and mails that did not reach her all those years ago,and I felt pain like never before, as few more realisations started to dawn on me, as I examined my emotions of the past,and then closed my eyes for few minutes as I examined everything that I had been feeling in the present.I examined every thought that had crossed my heart ever since I had started crossing paths with Khushi again,the first I spotted her, the airport, then the other day in the boardroom of Balance and then today evening,and just I had finished processing it all, a realistion dawned on me.
A realisation that destroyes everything inside of me,all over again.
But before I let this new realisation sink in my being, I had to do something.
I open the window to my mail box, and quickly compose another email to khushi's email address that read – khushiguptamehra.
And I write .
Khushi...
Myra has your eyes.
And Atharv has your smile.
They are wonderful kids and I am really happy for you.
You deserve all the happiness in the world Khushi, and I want you to know one more thing, I first spotted you on the streets of Gurgaon when you were helping an old aunty cross the road, and I was glad that the big bad world hadn't been able to change that about you, even after all this while – you really were and are the kindest person iv ever met in all my Life.
Im sorry Khushi for the past.Please don't hate me.
And I wish you and your family, happiness now and always.
Arnav
.....
I re-read it again, and I hit the send button.
She would receive this, and it was really important for me to convey to her that all I want is true happiness for her.
I sighed as I shut the laptop, and walked my way to my bath,as I turned on the spray of hot shower, and put my hands on the wall,for support and the water started to fall on me, and finally I let that realisation sink in , in my being.
The realisation, that had destroyed everything inside of me, as I had truly and honestly examined my emotions in the moment.
Every emotion that I was feeling within in the present as my eyes had locked with Khushi all these times,stood right in my face reflecting a heartbreaking truth.
And because it broke me again and again, I finally let go of the composure.
And I cried.
And I cried, not because I had lost Khushi or because she was married ,and a mother of two children, and living a settled Life for herself, in the present today.
I cried, because I realised, that her reality today hadn't been able to change or affect the emotions and feelings that I felt for her.
I cried, because, I realised that no matter how broken my heart was in this poignant moment of reality, it would still always love her.
I loved Khushi then and I love Khushi now.And I would always love her.
Only her.
I cried , because Life stood in my face today avenging my supersmart brain for its blunder of the past.
I cried because , I realised I was going to stay in love with Khushi, forever.
I cried because I realised that it was probably in my fate to be in love with someone, who could never be mine, and that I was destined to stay out of her Life, forever.
I cried, because I loved her with all my heart, in my own twisted ways,and the only balm to my aching being right now was that gateway of my secret folders that connected me to the past, to the time of my life, when she was very much a part of my life and I had felt happiness and peace.
I cried, because in this heart breaking vulnerable moment, I finally realised, that no matter how painful it was, I didn't regret the emotions that I had felt or was feeling right now.
I cried because, it started to feel like, it was better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
I cried, because, I realised that I could never forget Khushi, my heart wouldn't allow it, she would always be a part of me,and her memories would go with me to my grave.
I cried, because the only one I ever loved, was not destined to know, that I loved her.
I cried, because I realised, that the one and only tale of my twisted love, was fated to remain incomplete, forever.
.......................
Tada!! Let me know what you guys thinkkkk...!!
Also, this is the fourth update this week(because of my eagerness to write the track) ,however I will also try to give two updates next week.But I will not be able to post week after that, as im leaving for a Xmas break with family on 21dec, so there will be pause for 7 days in between.I will resume shortly after Xmas.
And I will try to post as much as I can until my holiday begins.
Also, please ignore editing errors, as I haven't proof read.
Vote and Comment guys, I love to hear from you all.
Have a great weekend,everyone..!!!
I shall see you next week, with another chaotically emotional update.
...........