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TW: Self-harm, depression, anxiety.
Please consider these factors before reading ahead in this chapter as it will focus mainly on these topics. For those that wish not to read, a brief summary will be provided at the beginning of the following chapter.
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"How're you doing?" You nod silently, attempting to convey that you're doing better than you were last week when you kicked your father out of your home. It's a Friday night, both you and Chaeyoung opted to spend the night at yours and watch a movie since you'd both be spending some time with the girls the following day. The things he said to you that night still ring through your mind like a fresh wound. Speaking of which— "It looks much better now. Does it still hurt a little?" You nod again in silence. The contact your father's hand made with your cheek left quite a mark and the sting turned into a slight bruise, especially where his ring had been; he'd never been gentle when it came to disciplining you, so you're surprised the bruise isn't a deeper shade of purple. I suppose all those years of torment toughened up my body. Though it looks like it's gone now, it still hurts a pinch whenever there is sudden contact.
Chaeyoung sighs softly into the still atmosphere, brushing her thumb over the faint mark that lingers and presses a gentle kiss to your opposing temple simultaneously. You've been noticeably quieter since the incident, for good reason. No one has a way of actually knowing what's going on in your head. Having a history of anxiety and depression that stemmed from your father's mistreatment of you, that incident had brought it all back; it became too real, too overwhelming. You resort back to the way you coped back when you were younger – shutting people out.
"Rosie, I don't really feel like watching the movie anymore. I think I'll go to bed first." Not waiting for an answer like you usually would, you move out from underneath your girlfriend's hold on you and start wandering off to your ensuite bathroom to get ready for bed. Staring off at you worriedly, Chaeyoung debates whether or not she should go after you. Ultimately deciding that it might be better to give you space now before she holds you close while you both slept, she sinks down into your couch and hugs her knees to her chest in thought, the film playing becoming nothing more than static, background noise to her rushing mind.
You stare blankly at your reflection in the mirror. Your face looks... lifeless in a way. Your toothbrush hangs out of your mouth as your hand loses grip on it, making way down to your opposing arm, brushing over some old scars that remained untouched and unthought-of for four years. Suddenly remembering a razorblade you have buried deep in one of the drawers in here, you quickly spit and rinse your mouth in a hurry. Your hand hovers over the drawer briefly upon opening it before reaching into the hiding spot you had the blade tucked away in. Slowly pulling it out of its' thin packaging, you can still see some of the old, dried-up blood stains from the time you had last used it. The thought crossing your mind again, remembering how it used to distract you from dangerous, mind-crippling thoughts about yourself. You know better... You do. This is not the way to go about this. A deadpan look at your reflection in the mirror with the blade in your hand, you stare right back at it, as if the mirror is a portal to your past self. Come on, Y/N. You sigh and walk out of the bathroom, away from the mirror, blade still in hand, being slid into your pocket.
That night as you laid in bed, Chaeyoung kept a firm hold on you, hoping you feel comfort, safety, and all of her love. She held you to her like both your lives depended on it, because she loves you so much. The love you felt you were robbed of as you grew up was suddenly being given to you overflowingly, but at that current state you're in, you couldn't seem to see that no matter how hard Chaeyoung had been trying since the visit.
++
"Come on up!" You say to Jisoo as you buzz her into your building. Another week has passed now and you seem to be handling everything much better than you were before. It almost seemed... unreal. Like a switch inside you suddenly flipped and you reverted back to your bubbly self. As Jisoo opens up the door to your apartment, Chaeyoung comes out from your room, dressed up and looking adorable for her day out with the other two girls. She walks up to you and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear as you chuckle softly at her actions. Leaning in, you both share a sweet, love-filled kiss before she moves to give Jisoo a quick hug to say hello. "When will you be back with the girls?"
Tapping her chin in thought, "Probably in time to have dinner. Should we grab takeout on the way back and just eat in?"
"That sounds great, baby," Nodding to your response, she gives your hand a gentle squeeze. "Jisoo-unnie, chicken?"
"Yes!" You share a laugh with your girlfriend as she moves to leave the apartment seeing as Jennie and Lisa are waiting for her downstairs in the car. You quickly go over to the kitchen to grab fresh drinks for the both of you. Feeling around for your phone, you shove your hands into your hoodie before discarding it, but find more than what you were looking for. With a quick wince and prickly feeling on the side of your finger, you realise the razor blade you had pulled out the other night still rests in there, half-covered in flimsy packaging. Holding it firmly in your hand, you suddenly hear Jisoo call out for you. "Y/N? Almost ready?"
"Oh– Yep! Gimmie a sec." You look around quickly once more, opting to quickly hide it beneath a vase right in front of you. Wandering over to Jisoo and putting the drinks down, the aforementioned girl plops herself on the couch, pulling you with her. She pulls out her headset, getting ready to meet your in-game friends online and play for a few hours.
The session doesn't fall short approximately four hours before you find Jisoo groaning beside you as you've started another match.
"Jisoo, what happened? Can't revive?"
"Ugh, no. I forgot to equip my revive book. I'm useless now." She slumps beside you on the couch, mumbling something about how she should've waited for a cleric to join the party.
Chuckling beside her, you exclaim, "See, I told you to be patient."
She exasperates another sigh, mumbling a little, "Yeah, yeah. I'll be right back." She places her controller down onto the coffee table, opting to grab both your drinks to freshen them up to kill the time. Finding the ice cream deep in your freezer after some digging, she grabs a scoop and attempts to get a good amount out and into both of your cups. Stumbling a little because the ice cream is still quite firm, she bumps into the vase, knocking it lightly. That's when she sees it. Sticking out from beneath your decorative vase of flowers... A blood-stained razor blade. She's unsure at first, choosing to think positively and assure herself that she's seeing things. Reaching out for it, she picks it up for closer examination. Big mistake... She thinks to herself. All sorts of terrible scenarios immediately run through her mind at the possible reasons this could be out and stained. Are the stains new? Are they old? When did you fall back into your old habits? Did you even fall back into it?
All of a sudden, the sounds of laughter can be heard from the other side of the door. The girls are back. Does Chaeyoung know about this? Jisoo freezes in her spot for a moment, not even realising Chaeyoung is quickly approaching her as her mind remains rampant with sorrowful thoughts of what you could possibly be doing to yourself. Jennie and Lisa give you a quick side-hug, sure not to disturb you during your boss battle as the three of you share a quick hello. Placing the bag of food down on the kitchen island where Jisoo is, Chaeyoung quickly gives her a worried look. Snapping back into reality, she faces Chaeyoung with eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights. You call Chaeyoung over, prompting her to make her way to you before she has a chance to ask Jisoo what's wrong.
She plants a quick kiss on your cheek, not wanting to distract you from your game too much as well. "Hey, beautiful. You guys killin' it?"
Your smile is wide and you become giddy at your magnificent girlfriend's presence. You speak into the microphone of your headset for a moment, telling your teammates to give you a moment before you start the next boss dungeon. "Hello to you too, gorgeous." The sound of a deep kiss can be heard by your friends online and they tease you for it. Being able to hear the ruckus coming from your headset mixed in with your groan, she gives you a few more quick kisses, drawing a giggle from the both of you and pretend gags of disgust from your friends.
Looking up towards the kitchen to where Jisoo is, Chaeyoung leaves your side to check on her friend. Discarding her coat, she drapes it on the back of the couch before heaving a sigh at the look of concern still spread across Jisoo's face. "Unnie, is everything okay? You're starting to worry me."
Jisoo looks down to her hand, eyebrows furrowing together, then back up to Chaeyoung who has now taken notice of the object in her hands. Matching the look on Jisoo's face, as soon as she realises what it is and that there are stains on it, Chaeyoung's hand flies up to her mouth to contain the gasp attempting to escape her, a few tears threatening to break free at the thought of how it came to be like that. "I— I found it sticking out from beneath the vase. I don't know how it got there and I—"
"Jisoo-unnie!" Their heads snapped up toward you, to their luck your back is still facing them. "We're going to start the last boss raid soon!"
She tries to shake her mind off it a little, moving to situate herself beside you on the couch once more. Chaeyoung takes that as her cue to hide the blade where Jisoo had originally found it and makes her way over to Jennie and Lisa, who are still stifling laughter over earlier events at the shopping centre.
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"How can you tell me not to freak out right now, unnie?!"
Chaeyoung and Jisoo find themselves on the balcony of your apartment, cool breeze caressing their bare faces as they find themselves encompassed in some street noise coming from below. Your girlfriend hasn't been able to contain her stress, while Jisoo has taken some time to try and reason out everything she's coming up with. "Think about it. We don't know for sure that it's fresh. It could be old, you know? Just... Try not to jump to any conclusions too irrationally."
"Irrationally?!" Jisoo's hand quickly covers up her mouth, releasing a quick and forced 'shh!' before Chaeyoung has the chance to draw any unwanted attention to them. "Tell me how on earth this is irrational. You know her history more so than even I do!"
"Chaeyoung, I know. That's why I'm saying what I'm saying. The last thing you'd want to do right now is let it slip and confront her in front of everyone. Talk to her after we've all left. The last thing we need right now is for her to feel targeted by everyone."
The two return inside, moving to where you're situated at the dining table with both Jennie and Lisa. "Ahhh... 설마! (No way!)" You're in tears of laughter as Lisa retells the fable of what happened earlier— Jennie seems thoroughly unimpressed.
"For the last time, it's not that funny!" Lisa begs to differ and she reaches for a tissue to dab away at her tears, earning her another grown from Jennie.
"Not as golden as the time she approached some random by the fountain and thought it was me." Both you and Lisa hold on to each other for dear life recalling all of Jennie's recent misfortunes. Looking to her left, she gives both Jisoo and Chaeyoung a pleading look, silently asking for this to be over.
Regaining her composure, she shares a smile with the girls at the table and slides right back in beside you, wrapping her arm with yours as you lean back in your chair. Looking over at her, you're about to say something before you burst out into another fit of laughter and Jennie calls it for the night. "Okay, time for bed. You're clearly reaching a state of insanity." Jennie yoinks on both Jisoo and Lisa, who is still in tears with you, and they begin getting up with you following closely behind. Finally regaining composure, you all share hugs and bid farewells until Sunday.
Letting out a big breath, your shoulders slump a little when you turn around and find Chaeyoung nowhere in your line of sight. "Baby?"
"Bedroom!" Clearing the last few cups and putting them in the dishwasher, you quickly find yourself in the presence of your girlfriend getting ready for bed. She seems awfully quiet tonight, much quieter than usual when the other three girls are with her, but you decide to pass it off as tiredness from a day out and about.
"You have a good day today, Sunshine?" She nods at you, a small smile gracing her face as she leans in to give you a kiss.
"I love you."
"Aw, I love you, too. Gimmie another kiss?" You whisper, a wide grin spreading as she leans in once more before you both turn the lights off.
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Chaeyoung stirs in the middle of the night, sitting awake suddenly from what she thinks was a bad dream, not that she can really remember what it was about. Suddenly feeling chills hit her from the cracked open window and no warm body beside her, she finds her eyes darting immediately to the sliver of light gleaming in from beneath the ensuite door. Immediately fearing the worst, with no help from her short yet horrifyingly real nightmare, she rockets out of bed and towards the closed door, bursting through it as if wanting to stop you from doing anything bad- if you were doing anything she deemed bad, that is.
"Babe! What are you doing? You scared the living crap out of me," Observing you from the door, she sees you scrolling through your phone mindlessly as you do your business. "What's going on? Are you okay?" You place your phone down beside you on the countertop as you observe your girlfriend's movements. Very still, very guarded.
"Um- sorry. Just... I'll see you in bed." With that, she quickly removes herself from the encounter and restlessly tries to lay back in bed comfortably, but there's no use.
You haven't yet left the bathroom, but you can sense the discomfort coming from the other side of the door. Sighing to yourself, drying your hands, you make your way to her side of the bed and kneel down to be face-to-face with your love. "Sunshine, will you tell me what's wrong? Is it cause you don't wanna go back home tomorrow?" You joke light-heartedly, hoping to lighten the atmosphere a tad, but all she does is remain quiet. You bring a hand up, tucking a loose strand behind her ear as you gaze lovingly into her eyes. "Rosie... You're worrying me a lot right now." With the restless attempt at sleep and Jisoo's words ringing through her mind, she feels a tear about to slip from her socket, so she makes a move to turn away from your line of sight quickly; and she almost escapes your questioning- her light sniffle gave her away. Bringing your hands up into your hair now and tugging at it slightly, you're finding it hard to understand why your girlfriend is suddenly shutting you out of what's going on in her mind. Did I do or say something wrong earlier? Did I not pay enough attention to her when she got back? Your mind races until you decide that there is no point in escalating the situation any more than necessary in your mind. "Roseanne, tell me what's wrong."
You turn her around and get her to sit up. Climbing onto the bed and sitting right in front of her, you reach for her chin and force her to look into your eyes. The eyes that she has grown to love so much, the eyes that always mesmerise her- the thought of losing that and of losing you suddenly cross her mind and a tear falls and escapes from her. Finally mumbling something aloud, she asks you to, "Take off your shirt."
"What?"
"Please... Just do it," Still unsure of what's going on in her mind, you slowly lift the shirt up and over your head. You see her move to turn the bedside lamp on; squinting to adjust your eyes to the sudden light, you miss the look of relief that washes across Chaeyoung's face. "Pull up your shorts." Eyebrows still furrowed together in confusion, you oblige and do as she requests of you; although it feels more like a command than anything. Scanning your body twice and even thrice over, she sees no signs of harm and internally sighs in relief. You haven't done anything to harm yourself. Nothing is there... Heaving a sigh and letting out a sad sound of relief, she reaches for your hands, pulling you towards her, having you fall into her hold as she secures a grip around your waist.
"Chaeyoung... Is everything okay?"
"I love you so much. I can't bear the thought of anything bad happening to you..."
Shaken for a moment, your mind begins to wander again. "What are you talking about?" Her grip around your waist tightening, you suddenly remember- "Oh. I guess I left it out, huh?" Feeling a tear roll down to your exposed shoulder, Chaeyoung's hold on you tightens once more. Your arms come up and hold her to you, the both of you sitting in silence in each other's embrace. "I promise you I haven't done anything... But I'm sorry that it crossed my mind."
Removing herself from you slowly, she shifts in her position to look deep into your eyes. "Why are you sorry? You shouldn't be sorry. These things happen and it's important to talk about it and not let it bottle up inside. I just... Wasn't sure how to approach the topic and the thought of you doing anything like that really freaked me out."
"... Where is it?"
"It's still in the kitchen."
"Right... Under the vase?" She nods. "Come with me." Standing up, you reach for her hand. Gently tugging on it for her to stand up in front of you, you lead her carefully into the kitchen. Feeling around for the correct light switch, the kitchen dimly lights up as you approach the decorative vase of flowers on the kitchen island. Releasing your grip on her and manoeuvring yourself around, you hold the razor you once used for all the wrong reasons in your hand. Staring at it for a moment, you remember how the old bloodstains had gotten there in the first place. The memory of it all doesn't hurt you, it doesn't haunt you like it used to. Glancing at Chaeyoung to make sure her eyes are on you, you make a show to throw the razer into the bin, letting it fall deep in between the gaps of the rubbish that had been thrown in there from dinner.
Watching the lid to the bin shut itself softly, you look at Chaeyoung once more, whose presence has since moved to be beside you. Holding her face in the palms of your hands, whispering to her:
"My love, I am right where I want to be."
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However old that selfie is of Rosie is when I originally wrote most of this chapter... *cries* You guys have been showing non-stop support, so this chapter goes out to you. I know that this chapter is a tad bit more serious than the others, and seeing as it is a sensitive topic for some, I hope that if you do read it, it reminds you to be strong in your struggle- no matter how impossible the situation seems to be, hang in there. Speaking to those of you that have in the past or are currently struggling with this now, please know you're not alone. I hope you never forget that.
Onto other less serious topics, ROSIE AT THE GALA CAN WE GET AN AMENNNNN YESSSSSSS