Important Note before reading this chapter
This chapter contains a major character death in a nightmare scene I've written. (Of course, no one really dies in my story , it's a happy ending after all)
The scene comes right after a long black line signaling a break. If you don't want to read it, you can skip over it. I've marked it like this「 」and have written it in italic writing (same font as this text), so you can see it.
I hope you'll still read it✨
Enjoy reading!
This is the last dramatic chapter. After that it will get more romantic and fluffy, I promise😉❤️
I just think that Ash has to break down completely before he can get better, heal and be happy with Eiji.
Damn.
When Eiji was sleeping so peacefully, Ash wondered how he could ever tell him about his nightmares? Ash put his book back on the table again and ran a hand through his hair. He knew he should tell Eiji. Eiji had always told him that he'd help him through that. That they would overcome everything together. He believed Eiji's words, he really did. He knew Eiji had really meant that at the time.
But how could he tell him that Eiji himself was the reason for his nightmares? Eiji would only blame himself. He just couldn't do that to him. He didn't want to drag Eiji down into the darkness with him.
His nightmares had slowly returned some weeks ago. Ash had always known they would eventually. Because in Japan he had a normal life. A quiet life. In his former action-filled life it had been so much easier to suppress all those horrible memories, his traumatic past, his heinous crimes. Easier to forget them, deny them, ignore them. But this new life made all the emotions that he had suppressed for so long resurface again. It didn't happen overnight. Ash had noticed that his traumatic and horrible memories were slowly sneaking into his dreams again.
At the beginning they were short scenes about people he'd seen dying or had lost. Like Shorter, Skip or his brother. After a few days they had changed and had slowly turned into scenes of his abusers touching him, hurting him, raping him. They made him wake up drenched in sweat. They were scary sometimes and he felt filthy and disgusting after waking up. But since knowing his abusers were dead, they weren't as terrifying anymore as they used to be.
But in the last two nights his nightmares had changed again. Ash knew they would get worse in the next few days. And that he would not be able to hide them from Eiji any longer. Because those nightmares were about his greatest fear: losing Eiji. Putting him in mortal danger. Failing to protect him. Seeing him die. Coming too late so save him. He had only managed to conceal them until now because Eiji was busy with college and so focused on his assignments that he hadn't noticed until now.
And he still wondered if he was just a burden to Eiji with all his nightmares, his pain and suffering. Eiji didn't deserve that. Maybe Eiji was just too nice to tell him that... What if he was just messing up Eiji's life and was just a troublemaker as his father had always said? Maybe Eiji would get tired of his emotional trauma eventually. Of always comforting him. What would he do then? He couldn't imagine a life without Eiji...
Living with him was not always easy. There had been several incidents where Ash had overreacted at the beginning. When people touched him incidentally on crowded streets or had bumped into him. Ash had reacted on pure instinct and had defended himself, pushing people to the floor or twisting their arms. Eiji had explained the situation each time, telling them he was a survivor of war or something similar and had apologized for him. Still, Eiji had never gotten angry with him, but had just hugged him, had calmed him down and had assured him that everything was fine. That he'd get used to it. The worry in Eiji's eyes hurt much more than any stab wound ever could, directly boring into his heart. He sometimes wished Eiji would get angry with him. That he'd shout at him. Fight with him. But Eiji never did, simply explaining to him that his reaction was to be expected. Eiji had convinced him that he needed time to get used to a normal world. That he couldn't expect miracles after years of traumatic experiences. Explaining to him that recovery was a slow process that didn't come overnight. That he could see he had already started healing and that it would get better with time.
When his dark thoughts overwhelmed him like that, he wondered if he should just leave. If that would be better. Better for Eiji. But Eiji had drilled it into his stubborn head that he didn't want Ash to leave. And now that he looked at Eiji sleeping so peacefully with such a relaxed smile on his face, he knew he could never do that, either. Maybe it was selfish, but he couldn't leave the only person who made him feel happy. He loved him. He would do anything for him. Eiji made him feel like he belonged here. But it still was a mystery for him what Eiji saw in him. Why he meant so much for Eiji. He secretly had a highly unlikely glimmer of hope that Eiji loved him as well. But that was wishful thinking, right? All people had left him eventually, so he had come to the conclusion that he didn't deserve love. But Eiji was still here. Did that mean –
Eiji shifted a bit, then slowly opened his eyes, smiling at him.
"Sorry, Ash. I fell asleep on you again. Ash just smiled back softly, all of his negative thoughts vanishing into thin air while looking into his warm brown eyes.
"It's fine. You were sleeping so peacefully. You look exhausted.", Ash told him, worry running over his face. "You're working too much.", Ash said seriously.
"Then you'll be happy to hear that I've just finished my last assignment. So I'll have more time from now on. Maybe we can do some little trip this weekend?"
"That sounds great."
____________________________
「A shot rang out, echoing deafeningly loud in his ears while flying lightning fast through the air. It was missing him by an inch because he instinctively dodged it. Instead it was flying past him and directly towards the person who suddenly was standing behind him. Someone he had sworn to protect with his life. Always.
Realizing the bullet was flying towards him, he yelled a warning at Eiji to duck, to move, to run, to do anything, but Eiji just looked at him, his brown eyes wide with surprise. But he didn't understand in time what was happening.
He started running towards Eiji, painfully aware that he could never outrun a bullet, but trying anyway. Only he reached Eiji a fraction of a second too late... Of course, Eiji wasn't capable to move fast enough to avoid the bullet. So it was hitting him directly in his chest. Ash only saw Eiji hitting the floor, before even realizing what had really happened, reaching for Ash with his hand, pure shock displayed in his widening eyes.
When Ash had finally grabbed his hand, tears filling his eyes, he smiled weakly, whispering "Ash, I'm so glad you're safe." before the light was slowly fading out of his normally warm eyes and he died.」
"Eiji, nooo!", Ash screamed in sheer terror, shooting up, his hands desperately reaching out for him in the air, his whole body trembling badly. His mind had shut down completely, utterly scared of the pitch black darkness swallowing him. Beads of sweat were running down his forehead mixing in with endless hot tears that were steaming down his pale face. He couldn't breathe, desperately gasping for air while gripping his chest in a panic. His eyes were burning from all those tears and his vision was so blurry he could barely make out anything. He wanted to move, to breathe or to just see through the darkness, but he just couldn't, completely frozen up and unable to do anything.
He heard footsteps running towards him, then Eiji's voice was echoing from somewhere far away and someone was gripping his hand gently. Ash panicked even more.
It's a trap. It can't be Eiji. He died. Because of me. I killed him.
"No, don't touch me!", he desperately cried out, slapping his hand away while diving for the gun under his pillow, but not finding one.
Shit! Why ...?
Before he could do anything else, the light was switched on. Then he heard a voice. A voice he would recognize anywhere. It even penetrated his confused and terrified state. It was worried, but warm and gentle. Safe. When hearing it, his frightened and numb mind slowly started working again... He slowly remembered that he was in Japan...
"Ash, can you hear me? Ash!", Eiji's frantic voice resonated through his mind, slowly getting through to him. Then the voice got calmer. Softer. "Ash, it's me, Eiji. I'm here. You recognize my voice, right?", Eiji asked him quietly.
"E-Eiji?", Ash asked, his voice cracking mid-sentence and filled with complete disbelief.
But it couldn't be him...
"Yes. I'm here. You're safe, ok? It was just a nightmare. Everything's fine.", Eiji assured him in a soothing voice, pure relief flooding his voice when he realized Ash had finally recognized him.
A nightmare...? But it had felt so real...
"We are both safe. I promise. Can I touch you now?", he asked him in a comforting voice, but even Ash could still hear the concern resonating in the background.
Eiji always asked for permission first, showing him he had a choice and leaving him an option to pull out. Ash just nodded, his voice failing him. Eiji took his hand gently in both of his hands, rubbing calming circles into it with his thumb. His soft touch made him relax instantly. Eiji's touch always helped him, saving him from drowning in a sea of darkness. It always reminded him that he wasn't alone. His trembling slowly got better. Seeing that, Eiji moved a little closer, but still with enough space between them that Ash could move away from him if he wanted to.
"Ash, you're still trembling. And you still aren't breathing right.", Eiji told him, pure concern resonating in his voice. "Let me help you, ok? Don't push me back. I want to be there for you when you're suffering. You don't have to go through that alone. I'm here with you. Always."
Ash just stared at him in surprise, wiping his tears away with his sleeve. He wanted to refuse, but now that he was clearly seeing his warm eyes drowning in worry, he just couldn't do it. So he just nodded, feeling exhausted, his probably red-tinged eyes and his puffy, still tearstained cheeks still stinging, unable to form the words. Eiji moved a bit towards him, hugging him slowly, always leaving him a way out.
When Ash's head dropped on his shoulder, Eiji tightened his arms around him, one hand on his back while the other hand was gently stroking his hair.
"It's ok. We're both safe. No one will hurt us here, ok? I promise.", Eiji assured him.
Ash slowly relaxed at Eiji's gentle touch and grabbed Eiji's back, clinging to him like a life line, and began crying uncontrollably. Eiji just held him, whispering soothing words into his ear and waited until he had slowly calmed down.
"It felt so real..., that nightmare...", Ash sobbed quietly. What if that really happens? I can't do that to you. Maybe I should just leave... I don't want to hurt you again...", Ash said sadly . Eiji slowly pulled out of the hug, looking directly into his green eyes while touching his shoulder gently.
"Ash, what exactly did you dream? Tell me, please.", Eiji asked worriedly. When Ash still hesitated, he looked directly into his probably still reddened eyes, while gently wiping away the remaining tears on his cheeks with his thumbs. Ash relaxed at once at his gentle touch, leaning into it. Eiji's touch never hurt him, instead it comforted him, healed him, saved him. Always.
"Please talk to me? I want to help you, ok?", Eiji softly tried again, a bit more firmly this time. "Don't refuse my help. Tell me why you were so scared. You didn't even recognize me, Ash. That scared me to death, you know? Tell me what I can do to make you feel better. I'm here.", Eiji said, compassion overpowering his eyes. Ash looked up at Eiji, pure surprise on his pale features. When Eiji smiled at him encouragingly, nodding at him, Ash sighed dramatically, looking down at his hands, not daring to look at Eiji.
"You – you died. I failed to protect you. Someone shot at me, but I dodged it and then you... and I wasn't – fast enough...", Ash choked out while tears formed in his eyes again. Eiji softly wiped them away again, pure compassion filling his warm eyes. He put his arms around him again until he had calmed down again. Then he looked at him, pure honesty reflected in his brown eyes.
"That will never happen here, Ash. I promise. We're both safe here. Guns aren't even allowed in Japan. I told you that when we met for the first time." Ash couldn't help but smile slightly while remembering their first encounter in New York.
"And I don't want you to leave. We belong together. So if you leave, I'll go with you.", Eiji insisted, steadfast determination in his brown eyes.
"You really would, huh?", Ash smiled sadly. "I can see it in your eyes."
" I told you I will never leave you alone again.", Eiji clarified for him. When Ash still looked doubtful, Eiji asked him more firmly, his gaze practically burning into his:
"Ash, do you really want to leave me?"
"NO! I – I don't! But I only worry you and mess up your life. You don't deserve that, Eiji.", Ash tried to explain his reasoning to him, still haunted by that terrifying nightmare. It had felt so real... The mere memory made him tremble again.
"That's where you're wrong. You don't mess up my life, you make it worth living.", Eiji explained patiently while taking his hand again.
"Ash's green eyes widened while he stared at him , pure astonishment crossing his features.
"I – I do? Even if I constantly have nightmares and need two hours to get up in the morning?", he asked sadly. Eiji just smiled at him, his warm eyes comforting him instantly.
"Even then. I want to help you recovering. So please tell me if you have nightmares. Come to me, let me help you. Tell me about your nightmares. You don't have to tell me every detail, but share your suffering with me, ok? Talking about it will help you. I'm only asking you to try, ok?"
Ash just nodded. "I promise I'll try."
Suddenly, Eiji grinned at him, pure happiness turning his eyes into a golden-brown. "And waking up my grumpy blonde American is the favorite part of my day. You look really cute when you're only half-awake and your green eyes are still dull and overpowered with sleep before brightening slowly. And I really love that peaceful look on your face when you sleep soundly. And how your blond strands are covering your face and are sticking out at all sides", he said, smirking.
Ash glared at him. "Oh, right, I forgot that piercing look and your evil temper.", Eiji laughed. "I still remember how terrified your gang was to wake you up. It was hilarious."
Eiji ruffled his hair and continued laughing while Ash just stared at him, eyes widening in amazement. He had no idea what we was supposed to say to that. Eiji even seemed to accept his worst sides easily and wasn't annoyed by his odd sleeping habits. And did he just say love?
"Ash, you're awfully quiet. Are you really ok?", Eiji asked, leaning closer while scrutinizing his face and watching him carefully.
"Thank you, Eiji. For staying with me. For just being you." Eiji just smiled at him. "After everything you've gone through, you really deserve it. You are a good, amazing and brilliant person. And I will tell you that each day until you believe it yourself.", Eiji said, determination running over his face.
"But do you really like it here? You've just moved across the world. You seem happier now, but sometimes there's a darkness in your eyes that still worries me.", Eiji told him seriously, a frown appearing on his face.
"I still think that I mess up your life and I don't deserve someone amazing as you...", Ash began quietly, avoiding his gaze.
"But...?", Eiji asked curiously, smiling encouragingly while leaning closer.
Ash couldn't help but smile back. "I like it here and this apartment feels like a real home for the first time. A place where I feel comfortable and safe. I feel like I belong here. With you. I really feel alive here. And don't feel guilty about it for the first time. I'm not surviving anymore, but actually living."
" I'm so relieved you feel at home here.", Eiji said, pure happiness overwhelming his features. "Because I'm really happy here, too. With you. I need you, too, you clueless idiot. When will you finally get that?", he scolded him lightly.
"I'm sorry, Eiji. I've always thought you'd give up on me after a while. With all my emotional baggage and my trauma. After overreacting and panicking in crowded places. So it took me some time to realize that you'd never leave me." Eiji looked at him, pure compassion reflected in his eyes.
"I'd never do that to you, Ash."
"I know that now. But I've just met too many people who told me the exact same thing. And they still all left me.", Ash explained sadly. "So I promise you I won't leave you. What would I do without you?"
" But, Ash, I don't know that I'd do without you, either. You give me the strength to pull through college. You have never understood that you give me the confidence to believe in myself. That I'm not depressed anymore, but happy. That is entirely your doing."
"But I don't do anything for you."
"That's not true!", Eiji said, glaring at him intensely. "And you don't have to do anything. "Just be yourself.", Eiji smiled. "And you often help me with my assignments. Haven't you noticed how often I ask you to look through them to hear your advice?" You sometimes have some really good ideas and suggestions. That's a great help as well."
"And I love our constant bickering and our sarcastic remarks, our war of wits. It's so much fun just being with you. Spending time with you."
"Actually, I enjoy that, too.", Ash just smiled at him, but this time it wasn't a sad smile, but a genuine happy smile that made his eyes shine like emeralds. Eiji relaxed visibly.
After a moment, he watched Ash carefully, studying his face for a moment. He moved into the kitchen and came back handing him a glass of water and two pills.
"Here you go."
Ash eyed the pills suspiciously, a frown appearing on his face. "What's that?"
"Painkillers. For your headache. Don't deny it, Ash. You've been rubbing your temples all the time.", Eiji explained it to him. "You should have told me.", he scolded him softly.
Ash just nodded, taking the pills with a glass of water before getting into bed again.
Eiji took the empty glass from him and left the room. When Eiji returned two minutes later, Ash frowned up at him.
"What are you doing?"
"Move over.", Eiji simply said. "I'm not leaving you alone. Not after such a terrifying nightmare. You usually have trouble sleeping after such a nightmare, but you're too stubborn to tell me."
Ash just stared at him wide-eyed. Fuck, he couldn't hide anything from Eiji. He sighed dramatically and moved over. When Eiji was like that, it was useless fighting him. Eiji could also be stubborn as hell.
He tried to sleep again, but it didn't work as Eiji had predicted. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw those horrible images of his nightmare again. Those horrible scenes were still too vivid in his mind, so sleep didn't come easily to him. After a nightmare he often lay awake the rest of the night. Eiji had shared a room with him long enough to notice that.
He shifted slightly, placing a hand over his eyes. He still didn't know what to do. Even if he told Eiji what could he even do? But then Eiji just surprised him by grabbing his left hand and slowly intertwined their fingers. Ash immediately relaxed. This small gesture showed him that he wasn't alone. He looked at Eiji, grateful that he was lying next to him. Maybe he could really help him...?
"Still remembering that nightmare?", Eiji simply asked.
"Yeah. I still see the images in my mind. I can't change it. I'm just so overwhelmed by them that I can't seem to calm down enough to sleep.", Ash admitted sadly, looking away from him.
Eiji let go of his hand, moved closer and slowly hugged him. Ash relaxed instantly, hugging him back, or more like clinging to him, his head dropping on Eiji's chest without thinking.
Ash wanted to pull back, but Eiji gently pushed his head back down again.
Ash looked up at him. "Stay like this. You seem completely relaxed now. Ash just smiled. "I can sleep better if you're next to me.", he admitted reluctantly. "You make me feel safe."
Eiji just returned the smile. "I feel safe with you as well.", he said softly.
"You do?", Ash asked, lifting his head again.
"Ash, of course I do. I've always felt safe with you in New York. Because I knew you'd protect me. Take care of me." Ash's head dropped on Eiji's chest again.
"I would still do that.", he said seriously. "Protect you."
"I know. But I hope you won't have to because we're both safe here."
"Yeah", Ash agreed, smiling before slowly drifting off to sleep.
_______________________
Eiji suddenly woke up in the middle of the night. That wasn't unusual since he was a light sleeper and often woke up just because he heard someone on the stairs or in the apartment above him.
But this time it was different. He always slept with his door slightly open, as did Ash. Eiji had asked him to because he wanted to notice if he had nightmares. And he wanted Ash to know that he could always come to him when they terrified him. But he knew at the same time that Ash would probably not do that because he had never learned to ask for help. So he normally suffered alone. So Eiji needed to notice himself when he had nightmares.
But this time he heard footsteps in the hallway. Which wasn't unusual, even at night. But usually they didn't stop in front of his room. And he could have sworn his door had just moved slightly. Or maybe he had imagined that...?
Curious, he finally got up and opened his door. There, in the darkness, he could see a silhouette standing in the hallway.
"Ash? What are you doing here?", he asked, switching on the light. Only then he was able to see that he was trembling badly.
"N-Nightmare.", Ash just said. "Can I –?"
Now that Eiji took a closer look at him, he noticed that he had been crying. But that was the first time that Ash had come to him. Asking for help. Or at least trying.
He moved closer to him and hugged him tightly, feeling how Ash slowly relaxed and his trembling got better. After a while he pulled out of the hug, taking his hand instead. "It's fine. Sleep next to me."
Ash just nodded, letting Eiji lead him to his bed. Ash hesitated slightly, but when Eiji nodded at him encouragingly, he slid under the covers next to him. Eiji moved closer to him and put an arm around him. He could feel how Ash slowly stopped trembling and he finally relaxed. Ash moved a bit, his head resting next to Eiji's shoulder, half burying his face in the pillow.
Eiji just touched his blond hair gently. Ash was draped halfway over him, his left arm covering Eiji, touching his upper arm, more like gripping it, as if protecting him. Eiji smiled and pulled the blanket over both of them.
"Thank you.", Ash mumbled his voice barely audible, muffled by the pillow.
"Thank you for letting me in. For asking me for help. That probably wasn't easy for you.", Eiji said sympathetically.
"No, it wasn't. But I've never had nightmares while sleeping next to you. Just feeling your presence and warmth makes me relax and I sleep more soundly.
Maybe..."
"Yes. You can sleep here from now on. I've told you that several times already.", Eiji said, yawning.
"I know, but at the beginning – ", Ash tried to explain.
"You didn't know if you stayed long enough to deserve that."
"Eiji, can you stop finishing my sentences for me? It's annoying as hell.", Ash complained. But there was still a half-smile dancing on his lips.
"Goodnight, Ash."
The next morning Eiji woke up at 8 am. It was a Saturday and the sun coming through the window had woken him up. But then he realized that Ash wasn't sleeping next to him anymore. Ash was not a morning person. He couldn't really have gotten up earlier than him, could he? He opened his door and noticed suddenly that it smelled deliciously. And apparently the kitchen was still standing. What a relief! Ash's last cooking attempt had nearly set the kitchen on fire. To his credit, he had cooked something Japanese and Eiji was supposed to have an eye on his cooking. Only he was slightly distracted because he had just found a camera lens he had been looking for and had lost track of time. So it hadn't entirely been his fault. Ash could cook simple things rather well, but was still a beginner when it came to Japanese cooking.
Eiji looked around the kitchen, but no one was there. So he went to the living room because they usually had breakfast there. Ash was standing at a perfectly arranged table, a cup of coffee in his hand. He turned around when he heard Eiji enter.
"Wow, you did all of that? It smells amazing!", Eiji smiled happily.
"I did, sleepy head.", he said proudly, smirking at him. "That has to be the first time that I got up earlier than you. "I have to note that down. That's a milestone in history."
Of course, Eiji had already sat down and tasted his pancakes, beaming at him with pure joy.
"Your pancakes are amazingly delicious, Ash!", he exclaimed overjoyed while already stuffing the next piece into his mouth. Ash just smiled, wiping a bit of maple syrup from the corner of his mouth.
"It's just pancakes, Eiji.", he simply said. "It's nothing special.", he added while putting some maple syrup over his own pancakes.
"No, you're wrong. What makes them special is that you got up extra early and took the time to cook something for me." Eiji grinned when he saw a faint blush spread across Ash's face. "And I've always loved your pancakes."
When Eiji wanted to clean the table, Ash stopped him, walking over to Eiji. After hesitating slightly he took his hand, looking directly into Eiji's eyes.
"It was my way to thank you. For everything you've done for me. But especially for the last few nights. Those have been hard for me. And for you, too. Thank you for never giving up on me. For just being by my side. For being you.", Ash said, smiling shyly at him. Then he put an arm around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Eiji beamed at him, pure happiness sparkling in his eyes. Eiji was so overjoyed that he was hugging him back a bit too lively, so they suddenly tumbled over, landing with a loud thump on the floor. Ash instinctively pulled Eiji closer, protecting him from the fall. Eiji landed on top of Ash and before he knew what had really happened, his lips were on Ash's. Time stood still for a moment. Eiji wanted to pull back, he thought Ash would be surprised, shocked, frozen up. But Ash just looked into his eyes, as if asking for permission, then pulled him closer. As if he had wanted to do that for a very long time. Unsure what to do, Eiji just copied Ash's movements, pulling him closer as well and closed his eyes...
I hope you've enjoyed this story. Please tell me how you've liked it😉
I love your comments and votes, they make me smile the rest of the day!
The next story will be about Ash and Eiji sightseeing around Izumo and Eiji will tell Ash something important✨❤️