Naruto had stopped seeing the mess in his room. He saw stretched legs and ran to his closet finding Sasuke collapsed in a bed of their pictures.
"Sasuke!" He held him in his arms "Teme, answer me" he demanded, his hand gently caressing his cheek.
"Naruto-.." his voice breaking as his lips quivered and he wrapped his arm around Naruto, crying in his arms.
The blond didn't know what to say. He didn't want to say anything that could deteriorate his ex's memory state, especially if the latter remembered him.
So he held him until Sasuke calmed down enough. He got him on the bed and handed him a bottle of water from his mini-fridge.
"Better?"
Sasuke nodded trying to read his face, nothing but a blank look stared right back at him.
"Care to tell me why you were in my room without my permission?"
"I wanted to know because you didn't want to talk" Sasuke's eyes travelled to the pile of pictures and clothes on the floor. "We're together"
"Were together, Sasuke" he corrected him "we no longer are. I take it you remember, everything then?" He sighed.
"Not everything, I don't recall breaking up with you. Did you just decide to give up on me, on us because of that redhead?"
"Don't get started, Sasuke" he crossed his arms leaning against the wall "I'm not taking any more of your shit. I told you I loved you and you broke up with me. You don't remember it but you did it."
"I have memory loss-..."
"It's not a valid excuse to being an asshole, teme"
"But-..."
"What? You expect me to say it's okay?! That I forgive you?!" Naruto raised his voice, it was a rarity seeing him so angry. "How does it feel?" His gaze fixed on Sasuke, his pained eyes on the verge of exploding with tears but he remained composed.
"How does it feel knowing you told me to fuck off? You called me a sicko, loser, asshole, bastard, dumbass, creep, and every other insult on the dictionary. During your therapy, you pushed me away, told me I should just go kill myself. No worse, you told me the only way you'd ever accept help from me was if I got ran over and suffered the same injury as you. Even when you did let me help you made it difficult on purpose. You made so many demands. If I cooked for you it's not good enough. If I cleaned your room it's not clean enough. Right, you didn't remember. I don't blame you for not remembering. But amnesia doesn't make an asshole out of people."
Naruto looked away "please leave. Just go...I don't want to say something I'd regret"
"So this is it? You're breaking up with me?"
"Sure, just shift the blame on me-..."
"Yeah, you already knew that asshole while I was in a coma. You probably fucked him too didn't you?"
"Yeah, I did. I cheated on you and not just with him. I fucked guys left and right after your accident and I loved it. So just leave me for Kami's sake alone!!"
Sasuke believed those words. Though Naruto initially begged him to leave so they could stop the situation from aggravating, with the raven's stubbornness that was inevitable.
Naruto wasn't even sure if he could ever love someone as much as he loved Sasuke, not even Gaara. He cried silently. There was something about the love of his life that just easily broke him inside. Nothing has changed. Sasuke still had the ability to make him happy or break him up at a snap of a finger.
There were too many thoughts running in his head and none were pleasant. Naruto had always been emotionally and socially dysfunctional. He might have more people in his life now than ever before. But right now he was alone, maybe in the dozen of friends he has there were only one or two people he could actually depend on.
"Papa?" The small voice called in fear stopping by the door seeing the mess.
Right, he had a son. A son that he needed to protect and be with. He wiped his tears quickly and put up a smile as always for the boy, for his friends and for the strangers. Naruto had put up that façade even for his own current boyfriend.
Who could ever love a suicidal person? He was pitiful, in every single way. Naruto didn't even need to act on his dark thoughts' impulses. The pain he was feeling from his illness was more than enough to match the emotional pain.
He was dying anyway. It was a matter of time. He had never admitted it to anyone; not even to Shisui but Naruto didn't care anymore. After Sasuke pushed him away he might have as well stabbed him in the heart.
"Don't worry, Sora-chan. Everything is okay, 'ttebayo?" He held his hand. "What does my Sora-chan want for lunch?"
"I want onikiri!!" He smiled wide.
"Onigiri Okaka, want to help me?"
He nodded jumping up and down excited about cooking with his dad.
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Naruto picked up his vibrating phone and answered.
"No calls..no texts? You didn't miss me?" The voice was friendly and open suggesting he was joking.
"Of course I did. Thought it would be best to let you rest first. How's your flight?"
"Slept through it. I didn't wanna deal with jet lag. You sound down. Did something happen?"
"I'm just tired, Gaara. Don't worry about it" he lied. Of course, they all believed it. Every single one believed him when he lied about his well being.
"Stop overworking yourself, dummy. Get some rest"
Tears silently escaped his eyes. "I will...I'm almost done with some papers."
"Then I'll call you on around 6 am your time? You'd be awake then right?"
"Gaara-... How would you feel if we take a little break while you're in Suna?"
"That's- sudden" he sat down on his bed "so something did happen"
"I just need some time for myself. I'm going to stay with my mom for a bit, I'm thinking of visiting my dad. Maybe I should just stay alone for..."
Gaara thought this maybe had to do with his illness then. It wasn't the first time Naruto thought that way.
"If you need a break. We can have a break okay? But don't be thinking those silly thoughts again. I'll see you when I'm back okay?"
"Thank you" Naruto felt relieved. He didn't know why but he was afraid Gaara would rage in his face and tell him off. But then he remembered, Gaara actually changed from the man he once was. Sasuke didn't change at all. "Stay safe." He hung up and turned his phone off after telling his friends in a group chat he'll be logged off for the next two weeks.
If only moving on was as easy to Naruto as his ex thought. He hadn't even fully been with Gaara yet. Even when he was absolutely certain he would make love to another man his heart just wouldn't let him.
He sat up in bed and walked downstairs. The house was yet again quiet, he guessed everyone would be partying. Of course, they would, they were at prime time having the time of their lives.
He reluctantly switched the light on only to find two naked bodies. Cold coal eyes glared at him neither seemed to be stopping despite being just walked on.
"Get what you fucking want and get on with it!" Sasuke grunted too blind to see the pained eyes of the man who loved him with every fibre of his body.
"Sorry-.." he mumbled as he turned off the light and went away. He could hear the loud moans. Agonizing to Naruto, he didn't even know who was with Sasuke. He only saw flares of long dark red hair.
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Naruto went to his working station. Though he blasted music in his earphones, it was still not loud enough. His hand stopped moving when the next song played. The song that Sasuke wrote for him. He dropped the brush and allowed himself to cry.
Naruto was suffering in silence too deep for any voice to cut through. He got up and walked almost in a trance. The song playing in his earphones.
He mumbled the lyrics that he knew by heart. The cold wind blew against his face as he got to the terrace, leaving the sliding door behind him open.
Naruto stood at the edge of the wall and then slowly sat down watching as his legs dangled down. He didn't hesitate, he was going to off himself. He was convinced whatever pain he would feel before death couldn't be worse than his current pain.
He was in his own zone he didn't know someone was closing in behind him. Shikamaru's heart was beating in his throat. He held on to Naruto's hand while his whole body dangled over. Naruto wasn't even holding back.
"Naruto!" He called. Just now, he was sure Naruto willingly jumped.
The blond dangled, his eyes fixed in one position. His music device slipped from his hand and he watched it as it went a long way down. He never got to hear the sound of it crashing; the building was that tall. He wondered if his body would make a sound to those upstairs when he crashes down.
"Come on! Hold my hand!! Naruto!" He begged, when did his best friend get to this bad of a mental state? He reached in with his other hand and tightened his grip.
He didn't know where he got the strength from but he managed to pull him to safety. Shikamaru trembled terribly, more from fear than from cold as he just laid on the harsh floor with Naruto in his arms.
Naruto was still mumbling the cursed words of that love song. His tears still in a steady stream down his face.
"Could have ended so quickly. It wouldn't have hurt as much" he mumbled.
The man held the teen closer, his lips quivered as tears threatened to fall. There weren't any words he could have offered Naruto to make him feel better. All he could do was apologize.
"You never want to trouble anyone. I'm sorry, even after all this time I still can't see you're in pain. I'm sorry, Naruto"
"You can't help me. No one can," wasn't that a lie? Sasuke was able to bring him to cloud nine with a simple smile. But wasn't it Sasuke who just brought his suicidal tendencies back up to a 100? Naruto still tied his self worth to a guy who didn't even love him anymore.
He cried, then he pulled Shikamaru closer hiding his face in the ex-mobster's neck. He cried his heart out for what seemed to be hours. But then something just suddenly snapped in Naruto.
Shikamaru refused to leave his side, going as far as watching him as he slept. The room was still a mess, all he could conclude was Naruto had a mental breakdown earlier that day.
Shikamaru was the one who contacted Shisui and informed him what had occurred the night before. He asked him a series of questions. Questions that the man did not seem to have answers to. He felt ashamed he did not know much of what was going on in Naruto's life and made a vow. This would be the last time Naruto ever tries to commit suicide.
Shisui arrived there early in the morning. A hot cup of black coffee in his hand that he bought on his way since he didn't even think of getting breakfast.
Shikamaru refused to leave Naruto alone even with Shisui's presence.
Naruto opened his tired eyes to see his Psychiatrist in the room. He was stoic, indifferent and just overly emotionally distant. His once-friendly eyes were cold and blank.
"How are you feeling?" Shisui asked concerned about the sudden coldness in Naruto's eyes.
"Nothing. I feel nothing" it was the truth, he had lost the ability to cry. "Sasuke remembers some things about us. He ravaged through my room and accused me of cheating on him while he was in a coma. I confessed to it because I might as well if he is just going to make assumptions left and right. I asked Gaara for a break because I have already decided to kill myself sometime this week. Then I just find Sasuke fucking someone in the kitchen yesterday. I felt before. I feel nothing now. Just utterly nothing"
"Did you try to because of-..."
"He was just the cherry on top. No... the whole ice cream was mostly him" he confessed. "I always attach my happiness to Sasuke. If he treats me well I am happy if not then I am in pieces. I feel nothing now so he can't affect me"
"You don't want to hurt yourself"
"I don't want anything, do anything. I'm better off this way. You don't have to worry"
"You're shutting off from everything. That's not good, Naruto"
"It's what works best for me" he got out of bed "if I don't feel I can't hurt. If I am not hurting then I won't do something drastic. I don't wish to talk about this more" Naruto walked out of the room.
When Shikamaru followed he found him smiling with Sora. It crept him how he could easily fake that smile and make it that believable. But the blankness in Naruto's eyes was a dead giveaway to anyone who knew him well enough.
Shisui for once couldn't keep his mouth shut about the issue he rushed out of the house called Sasuke until he picked up.
"What?"
"Get dressed and meet me downstairs. You have five fucking minutes"
The gravity of the voice sent chills down Sasuke's spine. Oh for whatever reason his oldest brother was pissed.
"Sorry, I gotta go. Just see yourself out" he glanced at the redhead naked girl.
He got dressed quickly and got downstairs where he found Shisui's car. He got in and his brother burst.
"The fuck do you think you're doing?"
"You're going to have to be more specific than that"
"Naruto told me you basically bullied him...for fuck's sake you're making the same mistakes again."
"Oh..you're talking bout him..." Sasuke rolled his eyes "dumbass cheated on me"
"No, he fucking didn't. Want to know how I know that? Because I was with him every single goddamned day. He fucking visited you every day. He stayed by your side even when you didn't want him there. Do you have any idea how much that hurt him?"
"I'm not gonna sit and listen to this. You don't know shit!"
"I know Naruto just tried to off himself by jumping off the building yesterday whilst you were fucking god knows who"
"Naruto did what?!" His eyes widened and he ran back inside the building. His heart was frantic but as soon as he entered the house he saw Naruto with his son.
"Usuratonkachi," he walked closer to him. Even Sasuke knew Naruto's smile was a plastered one. The moment their eyes met Naruto dropped it and the raven's heart sunk deep.
"Shisui told you..." Naruto sat his son down "you don't have to feel bad. We're through. I don't love you anymore" he coldly spoke those words as if they were nothing.
"I'm an idiot-..." Sasuke walked closer and he noticed how Naruto moved back keeping a distance. This was a clear sign he no longer was welcome in his personal space.
But he couldn't stop himself, he ran and threw himself in Naruto's arms. He hoped this would soften Naruto or at least get him to open again. But the blond remained stiff.
Sasuke kept apologizing in Naruto's arms. But the three words meant nothing, he had said them far too many times without actually making an effort to change.
"Naruto-.."
"Is it guilt? Do you feel guilty?" He asked coldly. "Don't. It's fine I won't be doing anything like that again" He walked away from the embrace.
But Sasuke held his hand and when he looked down he noticed handprints. Two to be exact all bruised up in his forearm. Those were Shikamaru's, that was how tight the man held on to his best friend to save his life.
"I'm obsessive and controlling. I know I am. I am insecure and my insecurity ends up hurting you. I'm afraid that you would leave me for someone else. Because it doesn't matter how much you tell me I'm great I just am not good enough for anyone... especially not you. Seeing you with Gaara...just-.."
"It's always the same with you. what happened to your promise? That you're never ever pushing me away no matter what?"
"What promise?"
"You don't remember that either. What do you exactly remember?"
"Us-...happy-...together" Sasuke voiced.
"We weren't always happy nor together. In high school, you thought I was a psychopath and told Sakura you were my friend out of pity. Then you found the truth and apologized. I forgave you because I loved you. Then I took you on a date on your sixteenth birthday only to have you tell me we were just friends. It hurt me but I felt like an idiot for even making an advance. Then shortly after that, your girlfriend raped me and instead of you coming to talk, ask or know my side you believed her lies and started bullying me. It went as far as you trying to kill me on my birthday. Yet when you showed up at the hospital and apologized I forgave you because I loved you. We started dating and yeah for a while it was good, we were happy until you got insecure and accused me of cheating on you, on the day we were moving in here mind you. Do you know what hurt most? I was the one who came to talk to you...you were fine. I was dying because you weren't with me but you just like now were fine. I didn't sleep with anyone though I wish I did at least it would have justified your anger at me. You want to know why I can say I don't love you?"
Naruto faked a smile so well that Sasuke couldn't even tell if it was real or not. "Because Sasuke-Kun" he stopped smiling landing on that cold look again "I feel nothing. Now if you don't mind letting me go."
"I won't! I won't let go!" Sasuke hugged him from behind. All of what Naruto said just made him want to make up for it even more. He had been a lousy friend, a lousier lover but still, Naruto said yes when he asked for his hand. Naruto loved him so unconditionally.
"Why?"
"I may not remember all of what you said. But I know I love you and I know you are hurting. You did this before but this time. I won't stand and watch. Naruto-.." Sasuke cried leaning his forehead on Naruto's back "you never opened up to me. You kept a wall built around your feelings always. Just let me in for once in your life. Let me in,"
"Whatever I kept was to protect you. You were insecure but so was I. I'm suicidal, depressed and broken but with you everything just was alright. It was better. It wasn't so grey and colourless.
I had some up and downs I won't deny but generally I was happy cause you were by my side.
The bad side of me always came out when you mistreated me, I'd go from happy to completely suicidal just by having you scowl at me.
You never really understood that my walls weren't to keep you out but they were to protect me from going mental. You always broke em down and you never realized.
You never knew how much in control you were of my own happiness."
Sasuke's eyes widen when he felt something wet on his hands. Naruto was crying, so he just tightened his hold.
"You fell in love with an idiot, Naruto. What can I say? I'm blind to it all so maybe you can talk me in not just send signs. Did I break your walls again?"
"Yes," his voice trembled as he broke down on his knees. Sasuke didn't let go, he slid right down with him still hugging him from behind.
"I'm sorry I keep breaking your defences, Usuratonkachi. But I'll be a better friend for you, I'll make up for all the mistakes I made-...somehow" he added. He didn't even know how to begin atoning for them.
But holding on to Naruto like that felt like a good start.
A/N:
12 chapters left for the end of this story!