'Ya Allah...when my bones are lying in the soil, when I'm long forgotten grant me people who will make dua for me, Amin.'
Always choose the people you associate yourself with wisely, ask yourself are they really going to pray for you after your death? If not, then do not even hesitate in parting ways with them, because they are not the type of people you need in your life, May Allah make every situation on us easy and may He grant us good ending, Amin.
Samirs pov
As i gaze up at the starless dark sky, i can't help the smile or frown, i really don't know which, that graze my lips.
It's almost 3am, i am walking aimlessly in the school premises, i couldn't sleep so i just decide to stroll a bit, and no i didn't have a nightmare, just naturally.
Wait, can you not be able to sleep naturally? I doubt.
I continue walking in the silent late night, with only the sound of bats flying, do they even make any sound? Goodness it seems like i am not thinking straight.
The water fountain in the middle of the schools premises is changing colors and the water keeps flowing without any care to the world, i wish, i really do that we can exchange life with it, so lucky.
I walk ever so slowly to the basketball court, i sat on the bleachers, resting my head, i am so tired, i wanna sleep.
I remove my AirPods and stuff them in my pajama pockets, i was listening to Suratul Yaseen, by Allah it calms me down all the time, it's my all time favorite, I've memorized it because of how much i listened to it. I bring out my phone from my pocket and a smile grace my lips as i see my wallpaper, it's Affan, the gorgeous baby alive, Aunt Sarahs.
He is almost two months old now, he is amazing, he really is a blessing in the couples life, in mine as well.
All of sudden i do not mind babysitting, even though he is such a cry baby, he is a baby right? I shake my head at my thought as i pause the recitation.
My finger tap on the message app, all the messages are unread, not that i have many, 7 I think, I've been moody for the past few days so i do not respond to them, i just don't feel like it, and just like that i press the home button.
I pick a basketball that's under the bleachers and start rolling it on my finger, yes finger. I stood up after putting my phone back in my pocket and removing my hoodie, i tie it around my waist and i start dribbling the ball, i even did a 360 while dribbling it.
And just like that i find my self kicking the ball, i don't know why, but i admire it when Arman is training.
Yes weird, i know.
I kick, dribble, throw and roll the ball for quite a while, heck for a while, till i heard the adhaan of fajr from my phone.
Wow. I've been out here for a long time.
I wipe my sweat and walk to the cafeteria to drink water before i walk back to our room. Arman is already up praying, he didn't bother to say anything to me, and i just enter the bathroom to perform wudhu, i came out, prayed my salah, said my duas and azkhar and last i text my dad instead of the call i made a routine since i came to this school.
Just not in the mood to talk.
With that i lie down on my bed, probably i will be able to sleep, i don't have any class today.
I shut my eyes, saying my dhikr.
***
The week or weeks went by in a blur with me not speaking to anyone except if necessary, Arman talks to me tho, and he always gets the silent treatment but it doesn't make him stop, every single day when we come back to our room he starts telling me about his day, i listen but never respond, i sometimes find myself smiling tho, he is such an amazing soul, he really is a keeper, he won't mind about your condition he just lives the moment with you and that's one thing i like the most about him.
Anyways it's Saturday morning, i wore my tracksuits and now I'm at the running field, i now somehow find it quite relaxing, i continue running like my life depended on it.
After 15 mins Nihal is here, she mostly comes out around 6:30 or 7am. Her eyes lands on me and she gave out a small smile, i on the other hand is panting heavily due to the run but i find myself looking away from her.
By Allah i don't know what is wrong with me.
I jog to the other side of the field and continue running.
After almost another 20 mins i sat on the benches drinking water from my water bottle, gosh it feels so good.
The sun is out today, fortunately for us, it's up in the sky shining brightly, the sky so blue Masha Allah, the sun a bright orange color and the clouds, so white, in different directions and shapes.
I wish i brought my camera out with me.
It's worth taking a picture.
I close my eyes shut with a small smile playing on my lips, the sun should be our hope wallah, it doesn't care about all the problems in the world, every morning it shines brighter than the day before and it's alone, it shines alone, and it doesn't care.
Someone clear their throat, and i would bet my life, if it wasn't haram that it's Nihal.
I slowly open my eyes and there she is standing few feet away from me, with bits of sweat in her forehead making her hair stick to the skin, she must have long hair, she is wearing the hijab.
She frowns at me; "What's up with you?" She asks, coming closer to the bench and she sat down beside me, keeping a distance tho.
I look up at the sky and shrug she looks up as well shaking her head: "You know that's not what i mean." She says.
"Nothing's up then." I reply her.
She sigh; "C'mon Samir, don't give me that." She roll her eyes.
I hate it when people think they know me, the hell does she mean?
"Okay." I said, closing my eyes again.
The place is silent, peaceful silent but an uncomfortable one, can she just go back to her room?
My phone vibrates in my pocket, it's a message notification from my dad, he says that he might come visit me later today in shaa Allah, and i find myself smiling, i can't wait to see him.
I send him a quick reply saying i can't wait for him to come.
I pray he comes with baby Affan.
"You can talk to me Samir." Nihal says, for a minute i forgot she is here.
"What makes you think I have something to talk about?" I ask a bit annoyed.
"I feel it, and it's all over your face." She says, "Your quietness says it all." She added.
I gave out a humorless laugh; "Really?"
"Don't be sarcastic, something's definitely bothering you." She says, fixing her hijab.
"Okay mss i too know, if you somehow figured out that something is bothering you can as well figure out what is it yea?" I roll my eyes.
She looks at me sympathetically, her eyes darting from my face to fingers that i am fidgeting.
Why will she look at me like that?
I put my phone back in my pocket and stood up, picking my water bottle as well.
"Samir.." She says almost vulnerably, i halt; "..I just wanna be here for you, by Allah i am not judging." She adds softly.
"I appreciate that." I said and start walking, it's almost 8am now, i need a warm bath.
She's following me, i know, cause i can hear her footsteps.
Why do you keep pushing her away Samir? I ask myself that, and wallah i do not think i have an answer to that.
Nihal starts walking fast, faster than me, she's in front of me now, i thought she was gonna say something but she didn't, she's walking fast to the direction of the main entrance of the hostel.
"It happened this time of the year three years ago." I find myself saying, she stops and turn around her lips turning upward.
Of course she used the reverse psychology on me again, why do i always fall for it?
I walk towards her, standing three feet away; "Three days ago was the exact date, and i can't help the emotions i felt, it happened so quick wallahi, i feel like it's my fault, heck i don't feel, it is my fault, i shouldn't have gone to the porch, i shouldn't have diverted their attention, i should have run when it happened, but no, i cowardly stood rooted and watch everything enclose, i felt helpless Norah, i should have done something but i didn't..." a tear cascade down my cheek, i wipe it.
"..he looked at me with so much hope but damnit i let him down for the millionth time, i was their only hope at that moment but Ya Allah! I couldn't do anything to them except watch them from afar, sh-she called my n-name but—" This is hard.
I look up at the sky, placing both my palms on my face.
"It's okay." Nihal said, rubbing my arm.
I take a step back: "It's not."
She takes a step towards me; "Yes it is Samir, i don't know what you're talking abo—"
"Exactly, you don't know, so don't ever say it's okay." She place her hands on top of mine, intertwining our fingers, her hands are surprisingly cold.
"I don't know and i can't relate but Samir you of all people should know that everything happens for a reason, i know it's hard but Allah is with you, you've survived it for three years now, why is it hitting you hard now?" She caress my hand with her thumb.
I close my eyes, she's just like everybody, she can't relate and she wants me to be strong and let it go.
It's not easy.
"It's not easy Nihal, Lord knows i tried but it's not in my control." I sigh, my voice barely above a whisper.
"I know you tried, but you can try harder, you can do it, i know you can." She says tightening her hold on my hand.
"I cannot, you don't kn—" she cut me off by coming closer to me, so close, she's invading my personal space.
"Yes i do, please do it for me." She says with crack voice, and i finding myself staring at her, her eyes are filled with tears, she's crying for me.
She's crying with me.
I wipe her dry cheeks with my thumb; "I can't promise you that, I'm gonna let you down just like i let everyone down." I said, removing my hand from her grasp.
"Give it a tr.."
"I won't. Leave me alone." I almost yell at her and i walk to my room.
What was i thinking?
Why on earth will i tell her that?
Goodness, i am so stupid.
She doesn't know the entire story.
It doesn't matter, she still knows something.
I open the door to our room and my roommate is standing by the window, he probably seen everything, just great.
He walk towards me and envelope me in a hug, i hugged him back, seems like i needed it.
He pats my back; "I'm proud of you." He says and pulled away.
I wipe my tears: "I miss them Arman." I said, sitting down on my bed.
"They do you more wallahi." He said, "how can you be so sure?" I ask him, i genuinely wanna know the answer.
"I just know, and you do too deep down, you just don't wanna accept it, because you still blame yourself."
I shake my head at him; "You don't understand, they looked at me with hopeful eyes."
"Okay now what? Don't you know that everything was pre destined? Are you questioning your Lord? Even if you went there it wouldn't make any difference, and it's not your fault, jeez!" Arman says sounding annoyed.
"My dad is coming." I tell him.
He smiled; "Oh i can't wait to meet the mentor." He says and i smiled a small smile as well.
I can't wait either.
Allah, you know i am not questioning Your decisions, far from that The Almighty, forgive me if it comes out like that.
*****
Goodness, I know, i am sorry😢
I've been having writers block wallahi, i know the chapter is boring, please bare with me😒❤️
I'm in lawv with samir😭
Sorry please. How are y'all?
Alhamdulillah.
Malika🤩