Chapter Seven: Faye
I still don't know what made me do it. The secrecy and clouds of lies that had surrounded Jason for years had decided suddenly to pour. I couldn't take it anymore. The whole, stinking mess of his life, the little pieces stitched together like a cloak of mystery - it was laughably unrealistic. What was this - a book? Teenage angst ... blah, blah, blah. Fill in the missing words. I was just waiting for someone to wake me up, to laugh when they heard about my dream. Somehow, though, I didn't think that was going to happen.
My hands itched to type the words that were the sole mantra running through my head. Google glared at me from the screen, daring me to give in. A voice was whispering in my ear, coaxing me to throw away a year of effort to satisfy my craving for knowledge. Before I could change my mind, I rammed the keys I needed and pressed return. Results poured across the screen, and I scoured through the many different Jason John Higgins to find the one I had known in what seemed like a past life.
Jason's Facebook appeared on screen in front of me, although I was barely conscious of how it had gotten there. Scanning through his profile, I clicked on the link that was listed beside his relationship status. A pretty blonde popped into view, obscuring the lifeline that led to Jason's previous existence. Autumn Skylark. Stumbling towards the phone book, I searched through all the 'S' names until I found her. My mobile materialized out of the ether, and the dialling tone sounded before I could think of what I was doing.
"Hello?" The voice was perky and pleasant sounding, the light tone questioning the unknown caller with poise. Poise that was about to be shattered.
"Hi. Is this Autumn Skylark?" I knew the question was probably unnecessary, but I needed the extra time, the added few moments that would allow me to grasp the words that lay just out of my reach, the crucial syllables that would explain my reasons for calling. My stomach felt sick, as if wasps were buzzing around maliciously in my gut, desperate to escape and yet intent on inflicting discomfort.
"Yes, it is. May I ask who's speaking?" Her manner had turned placating, and she sounded as if she was struggling maintain the niceties society required. I knew the feeling.
"It's Faye Higgins...Jason's sister." I heard a muffled gasp and a crash as I imagined the phone sliding out of her hand, tumbling to the floor as she grappled to regain her composure. I heard her breathless intake of air, and I knew that she was listening. "I was wondering if we could chat. Maybe we could meet up for coffee or something? I just want to talk for a bit about Jason." I asked tentatively, half-scared of her reaction. A few seconds passed, the silence percolating into tension. It felt as if everything around me was holding its breath; balancing on a wire so fine that it would only take the slightest of vibrations to break. The smallest of draughts whispered around my face, sending goose bumps up my arms. It was a relief when her voice echoed softly down the line.
"Okay. It'll have to be in a week or so, though. I'm going on holiday for a while." The melancholy lilt in her tone begged me to reconsider. She seemed entranced, as though she had been hit by a bullet but couldn't feel the pain. What good could come of digging up old grievances, just when you had forgotten the shimmering white scar left as a reminder? Yet something was compelling me to do this, to reconcile myself with his memory by finding out what he was really like. I knew in my heart of hearts I was trying to create a relationship with the dead who had already crossed the veil, and who were lost forever. I needed to know what Jason was like, so I could imagine the things we could have done, the phrases he used, his point of view. It was pointless, masochistic, and undeniably tempting. All I had to do was say it was okay, that I had made a mistake. A spark of resilience forced me on.
"I'll call you in a week."