Nothing any of these boys do will break her heart.
That's what Lola tells herself every day. Chants it like a mantra. Because it's not allowed to hurt. It's not allowed to be real.
They're not allowed to break her heart, because they can't. She won't let them.
They're allowed to fall in love and she's not going to care. Caring is nothing but a waste of time, especially when everyone she cares about will move on to - well, they can't move on to better things, she tells herself, a little smug and a little high, but they'll move on. So she's not allowed to get attached.
But she's lying.
Because when Nikki's not around, she feels it like a physical ache, whether she wants to or not. He's been there for so long it's like she's missing a limb. When Vince pulls her close, holds her tight, all she can think about is how they're delaying the inevitable, how he doesn't smile at her like he used to, how he'd rather be with Sharise; he doesn't say it out loud, but the insecurity won't leave her mind. And Tommy... he's so close but so, so far away. She'd loved that drummer from the moment she met him, just about, had been the first person she'd been able to admit that too, and he'd thrown it in her face in a moment of anger. She's terrified that if she touches him, feeling the way she feels, she'll burn him.
They don't even realise they're breaking her heart.
They don't think she has one, not really.
She's a toy they can fuck when they're bored, shiny and plastic with no heart to break.
So she tries to believe it.
Nothing these boys can do will break her heart.
But Tommy's parents are coming to a show, and Lola thinks she's going to scream.
"Lola!" When Doc ushers them into the lobby of the venue, and Lola's on her way to find the bar, she feels her heart stop in her chest at the bright greeting Tommy's father offers her, "it's so lovely to see you, and to see you're still with the band!"
"I'm really moving up in the world," she plasters on a smile and hears the words come out of her mouth, but doesn't really seem to register them.
"That's right, you two know Miss Gone," Doc's smiling amicably, like he and Lola weren't shouting at each other just half an hour ago, "she's the band's assistant manager now."
"Congratulations," Tommy's mother says with surprising fondness, a knowing gleam in her eyes as she pulls Lola in for a hug. When she steps back, she smiles, "Tommy always spoke so highly of you." Something about her tone, about that look, it has a lump forming in Lola's throat, and it's all she can do to smile and leave as fast as possible, tears pricking her eyes.
When she gets backstage, with a bottle of Jack in each hand and a dead-eyed stare, Nikki's busy with a groupie by the sound of it, Tommy's in the auditorium, loud and excited as he gives his parents the full tour, and so Lola sits in Vince's dressing room as he gets ready, the two of them taking a few bumps, drinking most of a bottle between them, and if she goes down on him, she does it because she's bored, not because she likes hearing the way he moans her name, his hands fisted in her hair.
There's a knock at the door followed by a moment of silence, in which Vince let's out a very strained 'just a minute' and Lola's trying not to laugh with his dick in her mouth. Doc's sigh is loud enough that they can both hear it through the door.
"Vince, Tommy's looking for you," he sounds so unbelievably beleaguered, and Lola won't even begin to process what he's saying, but she sits back on her heels so she can laugh, "and Lola?" Doc asks like he doesn't want her to actually be in there, to spare his weary existence from having to have confirmation of their activities.
"Uh-huh?" Lola half laughs in response anyways.
"We're starting sound checks soon, you're needed by the sound guys."
"Sounds like fun," she responds coyly, though she's pretty sure Doc's already moved on, not even waiting for her response.
It's not that he cares what she does with them, it's just that he's watched her spiral for the past few weeks, and knows that the more time she spends with the boys, the worse she gets.
Lola and Vince finish quickly, and Vince is zipping up his pants and heading out the door while Lola fixes her hair. Doc is back by the time she's happy with how she looks, knocking on Nikki's door. Lola's amusement sours considerably however, when the door opens, and Roxie scampers out, like a dog with it's tail between it's legs.
Blood running ice cold, Lola stopped where she had been walking behind Doc, her gaze locking with Nikki's.
"Tommy wants to introduce you to his parents," they both hear Doc say, though neither really registers it. Nikki smirks a little, like he's expecting her to be proud or amused, like fucking the girl who inadvertently hurt Lola was a joke, or payback somehow on Lola's behalf.
All it did was hurt.
Another person she loved, another person she cared about, had picked Roxie over her.
All it did was prove that Roxie didn't even care for Tommy, because Nikki wouldn't think it was as amusing as he clearly thought it was if it was a situation close to what he and Lola and the other two had. This was a secret. A terribly kept secret, but one that would hurt Tommy nonetheless.
Lola's expression turned cool, and she blinked slowly, apathy that barely concealed anger written all over her face. Without wasting another moment, she was walking to the stage.
She's supervising where one of the other roadies is running cords beneath the drum risers, arms crossed, expression dark and pensive, when Tommy walks in, brimming with enthusiasm.
"Check this out!" He announces, "Pyro coming out of those;" he points out a few of the pyrotechnic devices before making a beeline for the rocks by his drumrisers, making a show of struggling to lift them, before lifting them with ease, showing off that they're fake as his parents laugh along. "Ma, dad, you remember -" his voice catches in his throat as his eyes land on Lola, and she looks at him. It's the first time they've looked each other in the eyes since the start of the tour, and his expression falls. Lola's, curiously enough, softens, just a little, barely noticeably to anyone who's not paying close attention.
"Yes, we met dear Lola in the, uh," Tommy's mother struggles to find the word, missing the shift in mood from both her son and Lola, and his father quietly fills in 'lobby' for her, still smiling. Tommy turns to his mother, smiling, seeming to be relieved when Nikki and Doc step into view and he can change the subject quickly.
"And this is the Sixxter."
Nikki high fives him like he hadn't had his dick in Tommy's girlfriend only minutes before, and Lola's lip curls in quiet disgust. She's well aware she's a hypocrite, but she can't bring herself to care.
"It's so good to finally meet you," Tommy's mother hugs Nikki the way she'd hugged Lola, and Lola's pretty sure the confusion and slight discomfort that reads on Nikki's face had read on hers at the time. Or maybe he's feeling guilty about Tommy, but she doubts it.
Tommy's father shakes Nikki's hand, declares it a pleasure to meet him, and Nikki scowls as Doc offers to fly his family out to meet them all. Despite everything that's happened in the past five minutes, Nikki and Lola make eye contact, sharing a moment of solidarity as Nikki rolls his eyes, and Lola mimes shooting herself in the head, at the mere suggestion of family.
But then Tommy's brimming with excitement again, calling for Roxie to come meet his parents, and Nikki's trying to hide behind his hair.
"Mom, dad, this is Roxie. My fiance."
What.
That seems to be news to everyone, Nikki included, but Roxie's wearing a sharp smile as she offers her hand to Tommy's mother.
"Nice to meet you." Roxie sounds disinterested, and Lola wants to throw something.
"We're getting married!" Tommy announces with a grin, though his parents just seemed confused.
"What's the rush, Tom? Marriage is a big decision," his father sounds hesitant, though Tommy's not even a little bit concerned, his arm around Roxie's shoulders.
"Exactly! You proposed to mom the night you guys met and she didn't even speak English! That's love, dude!" He gave Roxie a squeeze and Nikki was already heading backstage, probably to drink away the memory of his astoundingly regrettable decision. "That's what I've always wanted! And that's what I've got," he gave a lovesick look to Roxie, and Lola was about to hurl herself into the orchestra pit when Tommy's mother turned, giving her a confused look. Lola just shrugged helplessly.
"So," his mother turned back with an unconvincing smile, "how did you and Tommy meet?" At this, Roxie does actually perk up.
"Well, I was actually hanging around this other band, but then, I met Tommy," she sighed in a good imitation of fondness, shrugging and smiling, "and it was totally meant to be."
"Oh, I know this word!" Tommy's mother smiles, glancing over her shoulder at Lola, who was trying to ignore the whole interaction and get on with her job. Looking back, muttering the equivalent in Greek before she finds it in English, there's a sharp look in her eyes, "groupie. Like Lola used to be, yes? Is that how they call you?"
Lola freezes upon hearing this, caught between wanting so desperately to laugh, and also knowing it would just ruin everything further.
Tommy's mother raises an eyebrow at Roxie, who casts a stony look at Tommy himself, and then to Lola, who was trying desperately to keep her poker face. When she storms off, Lola clears her throat in lieu of laughter, and heads off to the other side of the stage.
"Mom!" Tommy hisses, "not cool!"
"I don't understand, you say that word all the time like it's the best thing in the world!"
"Not the- I mean the groupie thing's not cool either, but the Lola thing - they're different -" Tommy groans, and his father frowns a little.
"We were under the impression that you and Lola were together -"
"Well we're not, dude, not anymore!" Tommy snaps, and without even meaning to, he catches sight of Lola, smiling to herself, coiling a cord and trying to keep busy, and his heart aches just a little. For the barest moment, she meets his gaze irritated gaze, and surprisingly, she gives a soft, somewhat apologetic smile.
Through the show, Lola's by his parent's side, smiling at him like she used to, and Roxie's on the other side of the stage, dancing, and occasionally scowling when she spots Lola. Roxie's distant that night, maybe it's out of guilt, maybe out of anger, but when Tommy's parents retire to their hotel for the night, and the band stays out partying, Roxie disappears.
"She's tired," Tommy informs them, and Lola nods sympathetically, pleased that already the plan she'd formulated after seeing Roxie leave Nikki's room would be put in to action.
All night Lola's by Tommy's side, smiling and laughing and drinking and snorting.
"Hey, dude, I-" at the start of the night, before even stepping foot into the bar, she'd pulled Tommy aside, "I'm really sorry about the past few weeks," she laughs a little self consciously, putting on an act of humility, "I've missed you like crazy."
"I've missed you too, Lols," he admits, wrapping her up in a hug that he knows his fiance won't see, since she'd already gone inside.
But to Lola? Oh, it felt like she could breathe freely again. Perhaps she'd missed him more than she'd like to let on; she was just trying to manipulate him, to get him back to her, to get back at Roxie, and Nikki to an extent, she hadn't meant to mean it.
So she's by his side all night, careful not to touch him, but to always be smiling, matching him drink for drink, line for line, smile for smile. The rest of the band disappears to their own debauched antics, but Lola and Tommy are side by side in a booth. Her knee touches his under the table while she's doing a line; it's the first contact she's consciously allowed. Tommy's hand automatically comes to rest on her thigh.
"I'm sorry," Lola says when she raises her head, and Tommy gives her a confused look, but doesn't move his hand. For a moment Lola considers telling him outright about Nikki and Roxie, but ultimately she knew she wouldn't benefit from it, "I'm sorry I called your girlfriend a bitch -"
"Fiance." Tommy corrected quietly, and Lola nodded.
"You were right," she told him with as much sincerity as she could muster, "I was jealous." Looking him in the eyes, she can see it when cracks start to appear in his booze soaked mind. She knew exactly how to pry them open, to get inside and get what she wanted. "I'm - I'm not like you, I don't know how to love properly, I'm not -"
"Lols..." Tommy tried to find the words, but he couldn't. Lola very deliberately moved out of his grip.
"But I wanted to, you know?" With a sad smile, she leaves so much unspoken that he can read into, in the way she's looking at him.
"I - Lols, you know I still love you, right?" The words fall from his lips, they hang in the air as if neither knows quite how to follow that declaration.
"You're not allowed to," Lola gently and deliberately cups his jaw with her hand, just as she had done a million times before.
"Fuck that, I'm allowed to do whatever I want! Dude, I've known you for like, four years, that's like, my whole adult life - me being with Roxie's not going to change the fact that I lo -"
"It should!" Lola told him, both hands holding his face, looking him in the eyes, "baby, you shouldn't have loved me then, and you shouldn't love me now! I'm not the sort of girl you bring home to your parents!" And it's the final nail in the coffin; she can see the cogs turning in his head because his parents do know her, they do like her, more than Roxie, and she's doing an incredible job of acting like she just wants the best for him, not that he knows it's an act. He'd been blinded by love, he tells himself, taking Roxie's side and trying to cut out Lola who'd he'd been so close to for so many years, throwing an actual friendship away for a woman who'd proposed to him while high, mumbling something later about wanting to 'lock him down'.
When he kisses Lola it's hard and insistent, and the old creature of jealousy that sits firm in her chest crows with triumph.
Mine.
"Fuck," he breathes against her lips, and Lola pulls back, stammers through an apology, but Tommy's shaking his head, grin on his lips, "no, I - fuck, I missed you." He's murmuring, before he pulls her close.
Lola takes very little convincing to go back to the hotel, back to her room where they won't be disturbed. Though she's always been adamant that she doesn't make a point of marking boys with bitchy, jealous-type girlfriends, which is exactly what Roxie is, Lola can't help herself.
Her teeth on his shoulder.
He's mine.
Her nails scraping down his back.
He's mine.
She pulls his hair like she knows he likes, just to hear him gasp, just to see him grin, and knows quietly that Roxie would never care to know him as well as she did.
When he wakes in the morning, it's with a confusing mix of guilt and elation, already late for breakfast with his parents and Roxie. Pulling on a shirt from Lola's suitcase that he recognizes as one of his, he's hit with a strange and sincere fondness, that despite everything that had happened, she still takes some small comfort in him.
And then he's frantically checking for hickeys.
"Don't worry," Lola says through a yawn, "I didn't leave any where anyone could see them," she chuckles, warm and sleepy, "or at all, honestly, but after breakfast, I suggest a good, long shower to get rid of your - sorry -" she adds, acting just a touch guilty, "scratches." She pauses, "you know, scrubbing hard and stuff."
Tommy gave her a small smile, but can't bring himself to say anything. Filled with both regret, and soft adoration, he can't find the words to fill the silence that stretches between them.
"I am sorry," Lola adds gently, playing at being sincere, despite how thoroughly pleased she really felt.
And finally, Tommy finds his voice.
"Don't be."