It feels cold, I could feel the cold breeze embracing me. The wind is a bit harsh and the darkness of the surrounding is a bit strange. I could only see the path of the bridge, the bench, the river under this bridge, the a bit cloudy sky and the moon above.
Without further thinking, my feet brought me in front of the bench and my body relaxed as my it touched the cold wood. A sigh went through out of me as my head lifted up to see the stars above.
A smile curved up my lips. It has been long since I saw stars shinning above me, I guess I'm too busy to even look up at the sky at times or is it because the city was too bright and busy that the only visible above was always the moon.
But anyway, I am enjoying this sight now. It feels relaxing, easing. I, somehow, can feel nothing bothersome, at least, a few times in my life, I'm not worried.
But remembering thay my life is usually not like this, a question suddenly came into my mind. "What's happening?" And my brows flinched a little as no memories of yesterday or earlier entered to answer my own question.
Then so my body jolted a little and my back pushed away from the support of the bench but as soon as I did, the setting changed. I am now inside my room, in the house where we are supposedly living. I'm still sitting yet on the corner of my bed, my body is directed towards the window, the moon is high up there, shinning so bright, this is the time I've seen it this bright and white. Things are a bit confusing.
I looked at my back and when I did, I saw small polaroids posted on the wall, above the headboard of the bed. There's a small moon beam shining upon it and getting a closer look on it, it's our photos, photoes where we're both smiling happily, when there's no worries to think of yet.
My eyes squeezed shut for a moment as I felt that sudden pain on my chest upon remembering the good times, but as soon as I ope ed my eyes, another change of setting happened. I'm suddenly standing on my feet, but my knees wobble at the sight of a familiar person lying on a hospital bed, being supported by medical oxygen to breathe, being monitored by the ECG machine and a lot of equipment are attached.
Bruises, wounds, healing cuts and bandages are well seen. But what's most noticeable is the tiredness emitting from the patient. She's unconscious, and doesn't seem to be waking up any sooner but you can see that she's tired of living... that I'm tired of living.
My throat dried while I'm taking my time watching myself, taking a huge step of escaping from life. I finally can remember what happened, it was a car accident, and with my looks, I hit my head pretty hard while my body has probably a lot bruises and scratches more than what I can see now.
My head tilted to the side where the ECG is...
My heartbeat is normal. Everything seems to be fine except the fact that I'm not waking up. And I began to ask, "Will I wake up?", which made me chuckle. Why am I even concern whether will I ever wake up or not? It's not like things are already fine once I've opened my eyes.
Yeah, it's not like if I wake up now, his parents will accept us, or my parents will finally be proud of me. It's not like the world has changed to be the best planet already. Nothing will ever change even if I die now.
Or am I wrong?
"Because people usually would just appreciate something or someone once they've lost it or them."
Another set of chuckle was heard from me. My lips then formed a smile with those small yet painful thoughts. I could see myself in a state where my condition isn't concluded yet, but I'm here, watching myself be on that state, and thinking about and questioning my existence.
"Look at you..."
I thought, talking to my self.
"Why did you rush on that road? Why did you even drive crying?"
"You got too carried by your feelings, you didn't think of anything and just did what you did now you're here, lying on the hospital bed and being the patient, contradictory to what you are, a doctor."
Again, a small laugh escaped.
"It's funny, isn't it?"
"That even how much kindness you'll give, some people will really treat you unfair."
"Even yourself doubted this being, anyway..."
"So of course, people will reflect, people will also doubt you and your capabilities."
Looking at myself, I don't seem to be waking up any sooner,or is it my decision if I should go back or no? Well, which ever choice, I'll suffer anyway.
"Why do we even need to suffer?"
That sudden question formed inside my head.
"We just want to love, to be loved. Why do we have to... be in this kind of circumstance where everyone is affected, where someone is close to dying? Where I am already at the point where giving up is an option."
My eyes dulled, smile faded, all the emotions began to fade except sorrow and disappointment. Thoughts came in, and answers are nowhere to be found.
"Giving up..."
"Should we... give up?"
My head snapped to the direction of the ECG machine, the sound of it beeping became louder and its echo turned deafening. My heartbeat got faster, critically faster and I suddenly felt my lungs giving up...
I felt my body weakening, with my lungs trying to seek for more level of oxygen. My throat and lips dried. My chest tightened and my hand grasped on the air.
I could hear people rushing and shouting, the usual sound of emergency in every hospital. My vision blurred while everyone the bed is getting surrounded.
I continued to breathe heavily, but it's too heav-...
"Call Chanyeol!"
"She's opening her eyes!"
"Come quick!"
"Ma'am, Ma'am stay awake."
I could feel hands tapping me, nurses trying to keep me awake.
I still can hear the sound of the ECG machine and even my breathe that is still as heavy as earlier but it'a a bit different, it feels real now unlike earlier that it feels strange.
My eyes are heavy, and I couldn't see anyone properly. My eyes can't totally adjust to the light and to the objects around me. While my hearing and other senses are failing me. All I could do is to try to be responsive but there's that feeling again...
"Chaeyoung-ah, open your eyes, look at me."
"Hey, hey, don't close them."
"Chae-..."
The feeling of darkness taking all over me.
💎💎💎
A: I know some will be defensive on the quote I left at the previous page and won't really agree with what I said, some will keep that "at least we tried" opinion with themselves and that's totally fine, I'm not onto forcing my beliefs to people, remember, this is just a story. There's a lesson I'm trying to discuss but then again, I'm not forcing my beliefs for everyone to agree.
And, thanks for the comments, those help me a lot to get back to writing. 🙂