"See, look, I did it!" Kakyoin smiles, proudly looking at the perfectly cracked egg in his hands.
"Yeah, and it only took like 50 tries, homeboy-husband..." Jotaro says from across the room. "You're not doing very well as a husband..."
"You could do some stuff too, homie... just because I'm considered the 'wife' in this relationship, doesn't mean I need to stick to traditional gender roles."
"My bad man. I still ain't helpin', though." Jotaro leans against the wall. His tummy's feeling a bit rumbly, so he hopes that the breakfast will be ready soon.
"Well, you're doing great, Kakyoin!" Holly says, smiling at her son-in-law.
"Thank you, homegirl." Kakyoin moves onto cooking the fish, completely forgetting to whisk up the egg like Holly told him to. Holly decides not to tell him, since he's busy, and she doesn't want to divert his attention.
In a few more minutes, the breakfast is finally ready, and everyone sits down to eat. Oh yeah, Avdol, Polnareff, and Joseph are here too.
"Okay gamers, bon appétit!" Kakyoin puts down the platters of food, beaming. He's very proud of himself, seeing as this is the first thing he's ever cooked, besides microwaving things like his Mountain Dew. He could actually go for some of that piping hot beverage right now, but alas, the Kujo household has none.
"Hey, no French allowed." Polnareff grumbles, picking up a slab of fish.
"But..." Avdol sighs, not wanting to ask why in the world Polnareff said that.
Suddenly, DIO appears in the room, a small, teenager boy riding on his back, piggy style.
"Hey guys, thought I'd pop in."
"DIO! When did you—"
"I'll have you know that me and Giorno and Giorno are moving in next door along with all of Giorno's little friends... his little possy, you might call it..."
"Dad, let me down." Giorno says. His hair is all messed up and he's wearing a big ladybug onesie, like he just got dragged out of bed.
"You're so independent, Giorno!"
"How old do you think I am...?"
"You're 15, that's like... not that much, right?"
"Wh-... What?"
"I'm a vampire, so maybe my sense of time is a bit warped..."
"Wait, you're a WHAT?"
"Oh, I never told you that... did I? Well I guess 15 isn't that young, anyhow, now that I think about it."
"Yeah, of course it isn't." Giorno grumbles, and hops off of his peepaw's back.
"And wait, what did you mean by Giorno and Giorno?" Jotaro looks confused.
"Well, there's my original world son Giorno, who's like three or something, and the there's this Giorno!"
"I decided to stay since my universe is trash. And DIO has that cash, and me and my boys are strapped, so I'm taking me and my gang and we're moving in with pops." Giorno the Older says.
"Uh... Okay, cool." Kakyoin takes a bite of his food.
"Oh, are you worms having breakfast? Can I cop?" DIO walls over to the table, inspecting the dishes.
"Okay, first, don't call me a worm, bro, and second, nah, no copping for you." Kakyoin brings out Hierophant Green, ready to fight for his food if it comes to that. DIO only sits down on the floor, completely ignoring what Kakyoin just said and picks up his own pair of chopsticks.
"DIO, hol' up, man! I told you—"
"Kakyoin, it's okay! We've got enough for this DIO man, it's alright." Holly assures. Kakyoin doesn't protest anymore, although he does give DIO a pretty scathing glare. That'll teach him.
"DIO's a bad guy, though..." Old Joseph says weakly, and then also gives up. Better to just eat and try to ignore the garishly-dressed, stoplight yellow man and his tired-looking son as they begin to consume the brekkie.
"Okay, well... uh... why'd you come over, DIO?" Avdol asks awkwardly, trying to make small talk, although that's pretty difficult with DIO.
"I had the munchies and I had to cop. I thought you'd be making something."
"Wait, the munchies? Like you were smoking weed and then—"
"NO! I, DIO, WOULD NEVER SMOKE WEED! I need to be a good influence on my children."
"Then why'd you say munchies?" Jotaro mutters, reaching for a slab of fish. DIO, at the same time, also reaches for the same slab of fish, and they catch each other's gaze, glaring at each other.
"Uh oh... bad feeling..." Kakyoin looks scared.
"Star Platinum!"
"The World!"
Jotaro and DIO start absolutely just throwing down, punching each other a lot and yelling and stuff. Everyone else just ignores them while they roll around and strangle each other.
"Time stop!" DIO stops time and dives towards the food, quickly shoveling it into his mouth as fast as possible. Before Jotaro's able to get his bearings, most of the food is already gone.
"DIO! You... stinky!" Jotaro tries to grab DIO and stop him from eating anymore, but it's too late, DIO ate all the rest while he was talking.
"And time resumes..." DIO says dramatically, starting to walk away from the table.
"Dad!" Giorno cries desperately, watching the only father he has ever known walk away from him.
"He ate all of the food that Kakyoin made!" Polnareff fumes, throwing his bowl onto the floor like a toddler. The bowls are made of plasticky stuff, so it just hits the ground with a dull thud and rolls on its rim a bit. Not the effect that he was going for.
"Jean, my boy, please chill." Jotaro pleads, moving back over to the table.
Meanwhile, DIO has collapsed over by the door, shaking violently. "Wh... what in the world? My legs... I can't feel my legs! I can't stand up! My head aches... I feel throwing up! Why?"
"Bruh, Kakyoin my bruh, did you actually make poison?" Jotaro looks at his homebody-husband, more than a bit concerned. He hopes that he doesn't get hurt or anything.
"I... I put a lot of effort into that! I woke up so early, man, at like 4! AM! Like bro..." Kakyoin looks like crying.
Jotaro, despite not wanting to eat the literal poison that Kakyoin has made, decides to consume what little food is left in his bowl, knowing that it'll make his spouse feel better if he does so.
He picks the bowl up, and starts chowing down, finishing everything in mere seconds. It tastes a bit funky, but hey, it isn't terrible, and it doesn't make him feel like throwing up, which is a plus.
"Wait, Jotaro! That's straight up gonna kill you!" Polnareff says, but it's too late. The food is gone, and Jotaro's hunger has been sated.
"Eh, I'll be calm. Yare yare, though. Look at DIO."
DIO is rolling around on the ground, just losing his mind. Giorno is chasing after him, trying to get his father to stop acting like a buffoon in front of everybody.
"Ugh. He insulted my eats, man. Let's go kill him."
"Yeah, I'm down for that, bro. I dig."
And so, Jotaro and Kakyoin go run after DIO, stands already out and ready to beat DIO into a bloody little pulp. However, DIO can roll quite fast, apparently, and they end up sprinting out the door.
//—//
The next morning, an ear-splitting shriek is heard in the Kujo residence.
"Bruh, can you like shut up... FR?" Jotaro groans, rolling over.
"BRO, NO! LOOK!" Kakyoin gestures to a large round egg, which is sitting near Kakyoin in the bed with them.
"Wh... what is that, homie...?"
"IDK! Just... IDK bro, okay?"
"Stay calm, man. Just chill. Maybe Joseph or someone put it here as a prank or somethin'..."
"That's not really Joseph's style, though."
"Yeah, so maybe Jean-P?"
"Maybe... I'm gonna go talk to him..." Kakyoin drags himself out of bed, and then picks up the egg, hefting it in his arms. It's mildly warm. He marches into the kitchen, where Avdol, Polnareff, and Joseph are eating some food (not made by him).
"Who put this in my bed?"
"Not me." Avdol says, politely.
"Not me, either." Joseph chimes.
"Not me." Polnareff takes a bite of his food, chewing thoughtfully. "Where do you think it came from, then?"
"Wh-What? None of you...?"
"Of course none of us put it there, why would any of us ever do that?" Joseph looks a bit confused.
"I mean... where else would it come from?"
"Maybe you laid it." Polnareff says, off-hand. Avdol spits out the coffee he's drinking, and Kakyoin almost drops the egg.
"What do you mean, 'I laid it?'" Kakyoin choked out.
"I mean you laid it."
"I'm a guy and... humans don't lay eggs, dummy!"
"You're just in denial, man... just accept that you laid the egg."
"I'm not in denial, like homie, I didn't lay this egg—"
"Kakyoin, look at me. You laid the egg, get a grip—"
"You get a grip, Jean-Pierre! Why would I ever lay an egg?"
"Because you had sex—"
"HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAD SEX?"
Kakyoin looks at Polnareff, Avdol, and Joseph, realizing that they all look a bit sheepish.
"Did you... DID YOU..." Kakyoin, upset, throws the egg on the ground. It bounces. He starts to sob violently, looking at the unbroken egg sitting on the ground.
"It's okay, Kakyoin... you're a Chad now, just accept it." Polnareff goes over to his homeboy and pats his back.
"I'm not upset about that, man! Just... I'm upset about this gosh darn egg!"
Polnareff completely ignores what Kakyoin just said. "If you want to hold a funeral, it's alright. I have candles and—"
"What would I hold a funeral for?"
"Your virginity—"
"SHUT UP! Shut up!" Kakyoin collapses on the ground, cursing and hitting the ground with his fist.
"If Jotaro forced you to do something you didn't want to do, then we'll go talk to him. Call the cops, if you want—"
"I ALREADY SAID THAT I WASN'T UPSET ABOUT THAT, JEAN!"
"Then what are you upset about?"
"THE EGG, JEAN! THE EGG! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS?"
"Oh."
Suddenly, Jotaro enters the room.
"Hey, what's up, homie? Why're you crying?" Jotaro crouches down next to his husband.
"I... I have this stupid egg and Jean-P keeps saying that I laid it and also they watched us last night somehow—"
"THEY DID WHAT?"
"IDK why they did it bro... but apparently they were watching us... and now Jean is trying to hold a funeral for my virg—"
"WHY WERE YOU WATCHING US?" Jotaro brings out Star Platinum and glares at all of his homeboys, homeboys that are about to be homeghosts.
"We're sorry!" Avdol shouts, covering his head with his hands, as if that'll do anything.
"Sorry ain't gonna cut it!" Jotaro roars, and starts punching everybody.
"JOTARO, STOP!" Kakyoin cries, instinctively covering the egg on the ground with his body.
Jotaro stops. "Bruh, ain't you upset?"
"Yeah, I'm upset, but I ain't aboutta kill my homeboys because they invaded my privacy!"
"But—"
"Everybody makes mistakes, homeboy-husband..."
"Okay..." Jotaro puts away Star Platinum and then goes to get some coffee like nothing ever happened.
"Jotaro, we still have this egg..." Kakyoin picks the egg back up and gestures with it, moving it towards Jotaro.
"Uh... just put it somewhere soft or something, IDK..."
"But where did it come from?"
"Kakyoin, I really think that you laid it." Joseph says with the utmost confidence.
"I did not!"
Suddenly, everybody falls silent. The egg seems to be producing a peculiar cracking sound.
"What's that?" Avdol questions.
"I think it's coming from the egg." Joseph takes a sip of his drink, seemingly unconcerned by this new development.
"Uh..."
The egg breaks open, and a blur of pale skin and black whizzes out, hitting Polnareff square in the face and knocking him to the ground. He screams, and a moment later a loud thud is heard as his back connects with the hardwood floor.
"WHAT WAS THAT?" Kakyoin screams, jumping away from Polnareff.
"It's a baby..." Polnareff says weakly.
"NO IT'S NOT!" Kakyoin shouts, denying the obvious truth. There is definitively a baby sitting on Polnareff's chest, and the baby definitely came from the egg. It has black hair, a small body, and looks eerily like Jotaro.
"Look, it has the Joestar birthmark on its shoulder!" Joseph cries, pointing to the little star on the baby's back.
"WHAT?" Everyone else says in unison.
"I guess it is their kid." Avdol seems a bit disbelieving, but accepts the fact that Kakyoin and Jotaro now have a biological child pretty easily. He's seen weirder, after all.
"But..." Kakyoin looks at the little baby, that is apparently his. "I mean, it's kinda cute, no cap."
"Bruh, you just gonna accept that thing so quickly?" Jotaro scowls at the baby on the ground.
"I mean...it's our baby... I gotta show homeboy some love." Kakyoin goes over to the baby and picks him up. He's actually really cute, for real.
"Like FR, this little homie's cute. Come on Jotaro, don't ya wanna come look at him?"
Jotaro stays silent, standing over by the coffee maker and glaring at his small son with pure vitriol in his gaze.
"Yo, Why's he lookin' at me like that?" Jotaro growls. "What's up little bud? You got a staring problem, pal?"
"Like what, dude he's just looking at you... he's just a baby."
"Look at his face... his dumb little face..."
"Stop." Joseph warns. Jotaro ignores this, and starts to approach the baby.
"Yo, get your boy, man—" Polnareff says, but Jotaro is already in front of his child, fists raised.
"STOP!" Kakyoin cries, turning away from Jotaro.
"Ugh, fine. What do we call it?"
"First, it's a he, not an it."
"How can you tell, huh?"
"Because... look, homeboy!"
"Oh. What do we call him?"
"IDK man, this is kinda your job? Well, our job?"
The couple stands around for a bit.
"I like the name Jouta." Kakyoin says, after a long silence.
"Okay, cool."
//—//
"Hey, meemaw! Look what I drew at school!" Jouta runs up to Kakyoin, a picture of Jotaro in his hands. It's hyperrealistic, masterfully shaded, and despite the use of crayons, the coloring is impeccable.
"Oh, that's beautiful! I didn't know you liked art, my little homeboy!"
"Don't call him a little homeboy." Jotaro growls, coming into the house. "Only we call each other homeboys."
"Jotaro, share the love, man." Kakyoin sighs, and pats his son on the head. Jouta sheers at his father, holding up the picture of him with a smug expression on his face.
"I can't when little dude is lookin' at me like that!"
"Jouta..." Kakyoin warns. Jouta turns his eyes away from his father.
"Well, I'm gonna go take a nap. I'm real tired, homeboy-husband."
"Okay, I'll wake you up for dinner! I'm gonna try to make teriyaki chicken today—"
"Uh... maybe just don't wake me up, I'll eat whenever I wake up..."
"Do you not like my cooking? Is that it?" Kakyoin sniffles, looking depressed.
"No, I just want to sleep for as long as possible, and dinner is in like an hour."
"Oh, okay!" Kakyoin immediately brightens.
Jotaro goes to his room, and curls up on his futon, lost in thought. Kakyoin seems to really care about Jouta, maybe even more than he cares about Jotaro. The stupid, wack baby has only been with them for a single week, and yet, Kakyoin is treating him just like he treats Jotaro, and he also takes Jouta's side in arguments. Jotaro can't handle it for much longer, and he's pretty close to just kicking the little dude into the dirt, or booting him into orbit like Jouta's a mushroom in the middle of a field and Jotaro is a ten year old boy.
He turns on I'm Not Okay (I Promise) by My Chemical Romance and plays it from his speakers as loud as it will go. He doesn't want to take a nap, he just wants to be an edgy teen and rage about his pathetic, foolish, stupid son that he doesn't even want. However, he ends up falling into a deep sleep, because the heavenly sound of Gerard Way's voice is enough to make corpses rise from the dead.
While he's asleep, though, Jouta stalks into his room, looking to cause trouble for his other father. He hates his guts, and he wants to get back at him for being mean earlier. He hops onto Jotaro's gaming chair and logs into his computer, correctly guessing that his password is kakyoin11037. How he does is classified information. He then goes onto Jotaro's Minecraft account, looking to cause some trouble.
First he goes into Jotaro's prized survival world, which he's been playing on regularly for three years now, and kills Jotaro's dog, Edgeworth. Then, he goes onto Jotaro's other prized world, his creative world, and wreaks havoc upon it, blowing stuff up right and left.
He isn't satisfied yet, though. He goes onto Hypixel next, wanting to do only one thing: get Jotaro banned. The second he gets in he can see that he has MVP++, which costs a good hundred or so dollars a year to pay for. Oh, it will be so satisfying to get him banned.
His plan is simple; he'll go around and call people gay, and then he'll rack up enough reports for butthurt ten year olds to get Jotaro's character permabanned. It's the perfect plan. He goes onto the Bedwars server, quickly noting that Jotaro is ranked second place on the leaderboards for most kills, and then hops into a game. He immediately starts his attack, throwing out the word "homosexual" and "gay" like a preteen throws out cuss words in seventh grade after learning them for the first time.
However, he didn't realize that the youth of today are very in touch with their sexuality and no longer take offense to this.
jojokujo: ur all gay
apollojustice: aww yeah hell yeah i am
kiiboseyebrow: i am a flaming homosexual
reigenpeejar: sorry buddy you cant offend us by calling us that anymore
"Dang it! God dang it! My perfect plan!" Jouta shouts, rage quitting. This wakes up Jotaro, who stares at his young son at the computer for a few seconds before calmly picking him up and throwing him out of the window, shattering the glass. Jouta screams loudly, which brings Kakyoin running.
"Jotaro! What did you do?"
"Threw Jouta out the window," he says in perfect deadpan.
"You can't just do that, homeboy! CPS'll take him away! Heck, he'll probably call them himself!"
"I'll apologize. He was logged into my Minecraft account, though, and I don't know what he was doing in it."
"Oh, that's fair. Okay, I'll lecture him about the etiquette of gaming, and I'll make sure he never touches your account again, alright?"
"Aight."
//--//
In another two months, Jouta now looks and acts like a middle schooler. He's even got the look down; he has a choker, a few piercings, a few black button-ups, ripped skinny jean, and Doc Martins. Actually, he's kind of got the e-boy look down, which is something that Jotaro finds quite funny.
Tonight, however, is not funny, because it's parent-teacher conference night, and Jotaro and Kakyoin have to go meet with some of Jouta's teachers. It's going to be impossible to explain this one away.
"Homeboy-husband, please calm down," Kakyoin asks while driving them there. Jotaro keeps bouncing his leg a bunch and it's getting annoying.
"It's gonna be weird, though, bro. Like, we just had these teachers a few years ago, and now we're going in to meet with them about our teenaged son? Like, what they gonna think?"
"IDK bro, we... maybe we should have put on a disguise or something, actually."
"Well, if we don't wanna be late, I guess we finna have to go the way we are."
"Yeah," Kakyoin says, dejected, pulling into the parking lot. They both walk into the school, and directed by a few signs, go into the classroom. There are seven teachers standing around.
"Kujo? Kakyoin?" one of the teachers asks, "what are you doing here?"
"Uh..." Jotaro looks over at Kakyoin, unsure of what to say. "We're here for our son, Jouta."
"Your son?" Everybody shouts in unison, disbelieving.
"Uh... it's complicated?"
"Y-your son is 13 years old, and you two are what, 18?"
"Uh, he's not actually 13, he's two and a half months old."
A few of the teachers laugh nervously.
"I'm not joking. He's two and a half month old, he hatched from an egg, and my husband here gave birth to him."
"Your husband? You're married? He gave birth to him? He was an egg?" Everybody continues to say in unison, before all passing out.
"Uh, I think we should... leave."
//:—://
OH MY GOD IM BACK... i apologize for that. wattpad writers really do be like "yeah i'll drop a new chapter in a few days" and then drop it four months later.
anyway, we'll have more jouta misadventures at some point, i don't really know when; my school is closed for the indefinite future so i don't really have much to do, so it might get written then. it might take another four months. i don't know. im working on 10 other fics right now (that is NOT an exaggeration), so that also might get in the way.
stay safe, everybody! :)