Sometimes, when I think back of the orphanage, I'm filled with nothing but anger.
I remember when the first nuns began to teach those rules to me.
"Always say 'sorry', 'please', and 'thank you'," their voices chanted, young and old, high and low, morphing into one. "That way, people who come will see how sweet and polite you are, and adopt you. You'll have a home and a mummy and daddy..."
I watched as my peers got adopted, one by one. The prettiest girl, with her golden curls, only had to stay in the orphanage for four months before she was adopted. She never said "sorry", not when she made fun of my different eyes or when she stepped on my feet.
I watched as the strongest boys got adopted, the smartest girls and boys. They left so quickly that it didn't matter anymore. I was always going to stay. I might as well not make friends that were going to leave me and forget about me.
And despite my meek exterior—which had became a mask I couldn't take off at that point—inside I felt it.
Something that spread slowly, like a drop of ink in water. Hazy, strange, and hard to explain.
That's when I realized it.
I had stopped greeting every child that got adopted, holding their hand and saying heartfelt goodbyes like I once did. I had stopped smiling when people visited the church, hoping to be chosen. I had stopped praying when it was time to pray. Yes. That was it.
I had stopped believing.
I had stopped believing the world was a beautiful place, that the Lord loved me, and most of all, anything would change.
I suppose this whole time, I was fake. At the very beginning, when I stepped into the House of Beardsley and met Clo, Beth, Rhiannon, and everyone. I had no right to be upset at Rhiannon.
But from now on, I could still change.
***
After we finished cleaning and then dinner and went upstairs to wash, it was my turn to bath first.
I turned to Clo, and had to work up some courage before asking,
"Do you want to bath with me?"
She stare at me wide eyed, and for a very long time.
"That's no fair!" Beth chimes in from the background, jokingly. "Shuyan never invites me!"
"It's her first time inviting anyone," Clo said, eyes still wide. Then she frowned. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, do you not want to?"
"No, I mean, I just assumed you were the type to like their privacy, like Rhiannon."
"I want your advice on something."
"Oh?" She smirked. "And it's a secret? Sounds intriguing."
"I don't know about that," I said, but by that time she was already taking her nightgown.
I took my nightgown too, and we both went to the bathing-room together.
The house of Beardsley might be gloomy, but the bathing-room was a beautiful place, even though we were using the female servants' bathing-room. It was a bit smaller, but the bathtub was sill good enough for a person to feel comfortable in, and while one bathed, another one usually washed themselves off with the hot water in the basin.
Since it would be tiresome to get water for everyone, usually a group shared water. In our case, it was us four girls. The water would only be hot for the first person, pretty warm for the second and third, but cold for the fourth. That's why about a few days ago, Clo and Beth developed a system of bathing together to save time and not allow the water to get cold, and it helped everyone.
I quickly stepped out of my boots, dress, then corset and undergarments before washing myself with soap and water, and finally bathing in the bath.
Clo also did, and I watched as she did.
Clo was probably the most feminine of all despite her occasional crassness.
After unbuttoning her dress she slid it down her shoulder, then body, and then she tiptoed out of the hem, revealing her hourglass figure in a corset.
It was beige, and plain, and contrasted her dark skin, and when she unbuttoned it you could see the outline of her big breasts under her blouse, and when she took off her stocking you saw her supple, strong calves. It was almost hypnotizing, in a way.
"Shuyan," she said. "You're watching me in a weird way."
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I just thought about how mature and beautiful you looked." I stopped. "Not in a strange way, though! More like I was appreciating art."
She laughed her carefree laugh, making me sigh.
"Art? I've been called many thing in my life, but not that. I like it quite a lot. Thank you."
I smiled. "You're welcome."
As she began to take off more of her clothing I tried to find a topic to talk about.
"How old are you?"
"I'm twenty this year. People think I'm older, maybe because of my make-up."
"I'm eighteen."
"I always thought you were sixteen," she said, "and Rhiannon thought the same, but we were wrong, surprisingly."
"Sixteen?" I laughed. "I mean, that's the age one usually starts working, but still, it is young."
"Beth is sixteen, did you know?"
"I thought she was younger," I said, "but no, I didn't know.
"Do you know Rhiannon's age?"
"No, you never asked?" Clo shrugged, and I smiled. "We can always ask her."
"Never-mind that. You said you wanted advice, what is it?"
I thought about how to phrase the question for a while.
"I told you a bit about it before. I never really grew up with my own beliefs. Everything I had, I adopted from the orphanage, like putting others before me, being polite, and selfless. However, after coming here, I realized there's other ways to live."
"Like what I said?" Clo asked. I nodded.
"But there was someone else who also said something that really touched me." I laughed at the thought. "It changed my outlook on life and I want to thank them for it, but I don't think they know how truly great they are."
"Hmm," she muttered in thought, lathering herself. I hoped she didn't catch on to who it was.
"Anyways, I have a choice now. I could either leave this person, or I could stay and protect them." I held my hands in fists. "But if I protect them, I would be doing something that goes against my beliefs. But if I leave them, there's no promise they will be safe. I—I don't know what to do."
"Don't you already know?"
Clo looked up at me.
"Do you want to protect them?"
"Yes," I replied. "But—"
"Does you leaving them make you feel more uneasy?"
I thought for a while before replying. "Yes."
"So what's there left to worry about?"
I thought about lying to Beth and Clo—the very person who was helping me now. I thought of having to stay in the gloomy estate, amongst people whom I didn't know whether I could trust or not.
But if I left, Beth and Clo would would be burdened with the chore of taking up the jobs and lying to each other and getting lied to. Most of all—I would never see them again.
And I wanted to start anew, and be friends for real with them this time.
"I want to say something, Clo."
"What is it?"
"I had stopped making friends a long time ago, because of a silly belief that they never stay."
"Sounds like you." She laughed again. "So then?"
"Well, I met you, Rhiannon, and Beth, but deep inside, I probably didn't believe we were going to be friends. But this time I want to be true friends. Therefore would you be my friend?"
"You already know I would."
I smiled.
"Yes—maybe I do." Then I sank back into my warm bath and smiled, feeling more relaxed than I ever had since setting foot inside the house of Beardsley.
Because I decided on my choice.
The next night I went to Tobias's room at night again. The game of chess, like promised was still there, untouched and ready for action.
He gestured for me to sit down, I worried about my response.
"Good evening, Master Tobias. I spoke to Master Eugene and heard about the story you told me," I finally said, unable to beat the silence. "Is that fine with you?"
"It's fine. Eugene probably knows what Silas and I are doing anyway. Besides, what is the answer you came to in the end?"
"I—I want to help Master Eugene."
He nodded briskly.
"I knew you would agree to it. You and Eugene are alike." He hid a small smile, as though recalling a fond memory. We played for a bit until he called checkmate. I knew I couldn't win in the end, so I accepted the loss. Just as he was about to open the door for me to leave, I spoke.
"May I ask a question?"
He turned around. "What is your question?"
"Master Tobias—forgive my curiosity, but there's one thing I find strange about your story."
"My story?"
"The story about your answers to the question if the Beardsley manor was burning down. You never told me your answer. May I know what it is?"
His eyes widened, and I could sense there was a shift of power.
Master Tobias always thought he had something over me, but that wasn't true. He had always been hiding something from me, therefore he had something he feared, although I could not understand why.
"I—I—" he sputtered, eyes avoiding mine. "I said I would rescue anything Eugene wanted. Anything he wanted to rescue, or anything of his."
At that moment I saw the root of all his sadness, the cause of his sorrow, and most of all, the motivation for this.
It wasn't for him to be declared victor, nor for him to be heir. The very reason was for Eugene.
But why?
I looked down at my hands, aware of the heavy atmosphere.
"I will be going. Goodnight, Master Tobias."
I stepped out of the room and into the dark hallway, the door closing quietly before me.
The house of Beardsley had more than just one, two, or even three secrets.
And I wasn't sure if I made the right decision or not.