I stared at the lehenga in horror.
"You-you want me to wear this?"
The girl standing next to me beamed. I didn't know what her name was, but everyone here pretended to know each other, so I did too.
"It's what all the dancers will be wearing. The outfits need to match."
"Right." I looked down at it again. The top of the lehenga was more of a bra. I'd seen clothes like this in Bollywood movies. The gray blouse covered mostly the chest, while the stomach and most of the back were open. To make up for the simple blouse, the skirt was big, flowing and detailed with silver and red sequins on the border, and red and white flowers embroidered on the rest of the skirt. Sparkling stones were added to the flowers in shades of charcoal and rose. The veil to wear with it was just as big as the skirt, and patterned with the same flowers.
It was beautiful, but all I could think about were my tattoos.
"It's... quiet revealing," I murmured.
The girl seemed puzzled. "Everyone is wearing this. If you wear something else, you'll be the odd one out."
I nodded, and that was enough for her. She rushed out of the room as if eager to leave. I could hear the bustling of people outside. This whole situation was terribly familiar for me.
We were in Delhi, staying in Kunj's house.
His daughter was getting married, an occasion that would last a whole week. Today was just the first day. Lips pursed, I sat down and ran my hands over the material. Somehow, Jayanti and Darshan had roped me into doing a dance performance with the rest of the girls. They told me it would be easy to remember, and that a couple of hours to learn it was all I needed.
I'd seen performances at the weddings I had gone to in America, but I'd never been part of one. I was elated that they'd even considered having me do it without seeing whether I could dance or not (I can't, but that's not the point). Seeing the lehenga I would wear though, caused a ripple of apprehension in me.
I'll cover myself with the veil, I told myself. I'll figure it out, but I really want to be part of this dance.
If I was being honest with myself, the dance was just something I needed to take my mind off what had happened at home.
The beauty shop I had done an interview at had hired me. I was supposed to start this week. And then, Kunj appeared at our home one day with an invitation to her daughters wedding. He'd brought his wife and daughter along with him, both beautiful and youthful. The daughter, Sanjana, was a tiny girl. Her skinny frame made her look like she was around eighteen years old, though I assumed she was older. The whole time she'd been at our place, her eyes never met anyone's, and her head remained bowed. She seemed like a really shy girl.
After they'd left, I told Jayanti about the job.
"I don't know, Aditi," she had said. "It'll look bad if you don't come to the wedding. Why don't you speak to Darshan?"
I didn't want to speak to Darshan. It's why I had gone to her. But Darshan was the man of the house, and he decided everything, so I had no other choice.
"No," the man had said immediately. "It'll be rude if you don't come. Think about how it'll look on our family."
"But..." I hesitated. "Nobody else is hiring me. I can't risk-."
"Then you'll just have to keep searching."
When I'd looked into Darshan's eyes, I saw the gleam in there. He was happy to take to this away from me, and I knew why. It meant we would fall one step behind in moving out.
At least Vivaan was getting somewhere. He'd started to train with Darshan, learning the ropes of the family business. Darshan wasn't paying his son yet, not until he was sure Vivaan was in it for the long run. Vivaan assured me he wasn't, that he'd keep doing what he really loved- painting- and leave the business when everything was more stable. But I was afraid he would cave in and continue doing it for the rest of his life, bound by duty to his father.
Farhan was at the wedding too. We couldn't really leave him at home.
I hadn't seen either men since we arrived. Kunj had taken Darshan, Farhan and Vivaan to give them a tour of his business. Apparently, Kunj had some kind of business in making explosives, which I found unsettling. Who decided one day that they wanted to create something so destructive?
While 'the men' were gone, Kunj's wife gave us a meager tour of their mansion. It was bigger then our place, and beautiful too, with white marble floors and a great big chandelier in every room. His daughter, Sanjana, had hung with us too. Seeing how quiet she was, I had decided to try and get her to open up.
"Excited?" I'd asked while Kunj's wife showed us the little spa room she had.
Sanjana lifted her head. Her big, round eyes met mine. I couldn't determine how old she really was, and something about that bothered me.
I'd just wished I'd asked sooner.
She had smiled, though it looked more like a cringe. "Of course."
And that was it. Kunj had mentioned that he'd 'found' a boy for her, so it was obviously an arranged marriage. Maybe she was nervous like I had been in the beginning, closed off from everyone as she was lost in her thoughts about the marriage.
In the present, I tore my eyes away from the lehenga. There was still several hours before the event. Tonight was just going to the sangeet, where the bride and groom are blessed by their elders before a night of songs and dancing was followed.
I left the room Vivaan and I were staying in to find Jayanti. She was sitting in the lounge with the other aunties. I didn't want to hang around all of them so I went outside to help with the decorations. Sanjana's marriage would take place at home, in the spacious yard they had.
Garlands of red flowers streamed down the side of the house, flower petals were thrown into the three water fountains. Lights were wrapped around the trees and along the mansion. A makeshift stage was being set up at the back where the bride and groom would sit, it would then be turned into an altar during the day of the ceremony.
Carpet was being rolled out across the grass and I went to help when I heard my name called. I turned and saw a man standing a few feet away. I didn't recognize him but I must've met him at some point when I'd gotten married.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
I gestured to the servants rolling the carpet. "I'm helping."
"No, no." He frowned and made shooing motions at me. "Leave this job for the men. You go inside and sit with the women."
I felt my mouth twitch. And then, because I was an idiot who hated being told what to do, I grinned and said, "Don't worry, Uncle. I can work just as well."
I moved to help again, and noticed Sanjana sitting by the stage, a garland of flowers being weaved together in her hands. She looked up when I spoke, and after gazing at me for a few seconds, she tilted her head and grinned.
After that, Sanjana came to help us as well. All of the relatives had gone inside, leaving me, her and the servants working outside. It was a busy and pleasant atmosphere, and it got the two of us talking.
"Papa never really lets me go anywhere," the girl said, a rebellious gleam in her eyes, "so I would tell him I'm still at school studying, then go out with my friends."
"I did the same thing!" I exclaimed as we shifted a large table over to the side. "Except I'd tell my parents I'm still at work."
"Where did you work?"
"At a vet. It was the only job my parents didn't hate."
"And what did you really want to do?"
I hesitated, wondering how my answer would sound. "I...I wanted to make jewelry. It probably sounds stupid. My parents always told me how that should only be a hobby, not a job. I haven't made anything in years, I guess I sort of let it go."
Sanjana tilted her head again, her big eyes fixed on me. "It's not stupid," she said. "Anything that makes you happy is not stupid. What's stupid is how worthless people can you feel about it."
"Sanjana!"
We both gasped and jumped. Sanjana let go of the table and spun around. Kunj was striding across the yard, his face dark with anger. Darshan, Vivaan and Farhan followed behind, all a little surprised.
In Kunj's presence, Sanjana immediately shrank. Her head went down and her shoulders curled in. Her father came and hovered over her. "What do you think you're doing?"
"I-I was only helping."
"In the state that you are in?" Kunj shook his head. "Go to your room right now. Don't come out until tonight."
Sanjana ran away without a glance at me. I watched her go until I felt Kunj's eyes rest on me. "I'm sorry," I said. "Is she sick? I didn't know. I-."
"What are you trying to prove, coming out here and helping the servants, that we aren't doing enough?"
"No, of course not-"
"That you can work with men? And roping my daughter into it."
I took a deep breath, ready to tell him how there wasn't anything wrong with what I was doing and that Sanjana had chosen to help, but Darshan seemed to sense it.
"Aditi, go inside. Not another word from you."
I remained still, glaring at Darshan and Kunj. Vivaan and Farhan shifted nervously behind them, as if they were afraid I would speak out. Vivaan met my eyes and gave a small shake of his head.
I let myself relax and headed back inside. But before I would go up to my room, the group of girls I would be dancing with tonight took a hold of me and pulled me away to start practicing. The rest of my day went into that. While I silently fumed, I tried to remember the dance.
It wasn't my fault I didn't know Sanjana was sick. What was wrong with her anyway? Is that why she was so skinny, making her look like a little child? And what was wrong with helping? It was like every small action, whether good or bad, had to be considered appropriate for culture and society first.
After we'd finally nailed the performance (with some extra rehearsing needed for me), it was time to get ready for tonight. I went up to my room to shower and found Vivaan already in there waiting for me.
I opened my mouth to greet him but seeing the worry on his face stopped me. "Kunj suspects something about Farhan," he said immediately.
I froze, then closed the door behind myself. "What are you talking about?"
"At the factory, he kept asking Farhan all these questions about his family and he couldn't answer them properly. Your boyfriend is a bad liar and I'm pretty sure Kunj could see right through it."
"It'll be fine," I tried to assure him. "There's no way they can find out the truth. He just has to pretend to be Hindu, just be an Arjun."
Vivaan pinched the bridge of his nose. "We shouldn't have brought him here."
"Your parents insisted he come along."
"When we go back," he turned and looked at me, "I want Farhan out of the house. He can go and stay in his uncles apartment until you and I figure something out."
"Okay. We can do that." I nodded. "Relax, Vivaan. It'll be fine."
My husband took a deep breath and nodded, but I could still see the worry in his eyes.
After showering, we both got ready for tonight. With Vivaan's help, I managed to drape the heavy veil around myself in a way that covered all of my tattoos, I still wasn't happy with it though.
"It'll fall," I said as I watched Vivaan attempt to pin the veil down in the mirror. "I'll be dancing, jumping around. We have to make sure it'll stay in place the whole night."
Vivaan's tongue was stuck out in concentration as he tried to put a pin in without stabbing me. "I've never done this before."
After some struggle, we managed to keep the veil up. The two of us headed out, side by side, only to be separated by the crowd outside. Jayanti had me stick by her side, while Vivaan went to mingle with some cousins.
The sound of voices flooded around us. People dressed in beautiful, glittering clothes laughed and chatted with one another. Sanjana sat in her designated spot, wearing a heavy lehenga that was bigger than her. She appeared considerably pale. Beside her was... the groom?
"Ma," I whispered, nudging Jayanti, she was dressed in a classic red lehenga with a high collar and long sleeves. The borders were all gold and the design was simple, but made her look like royalty. I had to say, my mother-in-law was stunning.
"Hm?" she leaned in to hear what I had to say.
I nodded towards the stage. "Is that the groom?"
Jayanti hesitated. "Yes. That's him." And then she turned away to speak to someone.
I stared at the man. He couldn't have been younger then forty, maybe fifty, with hair that was beginning to go gray and thin out. Beside him, Sanjana looked like a child.
She just looks young, I tried to tell myself. She's sick, remember?
And yet, the nagging in my stomach didn't go away.
When Sanjana spotted me in the crowd, she smiled and waved. I waved back. She looked fine. She would've been upset if she didn't want this marriage. Everything was fine.
With that thought, I let myself enjoy the night. All the elders came to give the couple their blessing. People remained respectful and quiet during that. Once the boring part was over, the party started.
Bollywood music was blasted on, and immediately a dance floor was cleared out. A mix of old and young people went straight for it, filling up the floor with their hip shaking and jumping. The mood became joyous, and Sanjana and her to-be husband were laughing from their spot on stage. Every once in a while, the dancing people would pull someone in to dance with them. Kunj was pulled in first, he lasted for a few seconds of grinning and dancing before he pleaded for them let him go back. After that, more people I didn't recognize were pulled in. Each time someone new went onto the dance floor, the crowd cheered.
To my horror, the dancers then turned to us. I heard Jayanti cry out in surprise before the two of us were swept onto the floor while everyone cheered. With uncontrollable laughter, me and her gave into the music and danced, spinning in circles and even bumping our hips together.
Just before the two of us were about to go back, I spotted Vivaan and Farhan lurking in the back. Our eyes met, and I felt a devilish grin stretch across my face. Both men widened their eyes and shook their pleadingly at me.
I winked. "There! Get them!" I shouted.
The crowd turned to where I pointed and closed in on them. Once more, whoops and cries followed as the two were pulled onto the floor, both hunched awkwardly. I laughed and went over to them, getting them to dance. They only lasted for a few seconds, and with a few random dances moves, escaped.
Once the dance had died down, the elders got together with their drums and other instruments to sing folk songs. The younger people steered clear of that, and I joined them to grab a plate of food.
"We'll be up once they're done." I looked up from the buffet table and saw the girl who had given me my lehenga this morning filling her plate beside me. She was much taller than me, and had to look down at me even in my heels. "You ready?"
"Oh, yeah. I got this."
She leaned close to me. "Listen, I was wondering if you had a pin I could borrow. My blouse is a little too deep and it could cause some trouble if my cleavage is showing, you know what I mean?"
I didn't know. I was wearing the same blouse as her and it was practically a bra. If people didn't have a problem with our back and stomach showing, what was the problem with some cleavage? I didn't say it though, and took one of my pins from my veil once I was sure it wouldn't budge without it.
"Thanks," she said as she began pinning the front of her blouse. "Why are you so covered up anyway? Your dance won't show as much if your dupatta is flapping around you."
"I just... my blouse was too open. I wasn't comfortable with it."
She shrugged. "Okay. That's fine."
With my plate loaded with food, I went to find Vivaan and Farhan. The two were in a corner together, heads bent as they chatted.
"Can't you two mingle with the crowd?" I asked as I went to stand beside Farhan.
He smiled down at me dreamily. "You look beautiful."
"Thank you," I said.
Vivaan stuffed a pakora in his mouth before speaking through his food much to my disgust. "Farhan and I learned we have one thing in common."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"We both hate people."
When Farhan spoke, his voice was low and serious. "Aditi, I think you should stand beside Vivaan."
"Why?"
"He's staring."
He didn't have to say his name. I spotted him a straight away. Kunj was standing in the crowd, eyes fixed on me. I realized I'd made a mistake by not standing next to my husband and next to his friend instead.
Heated crawled down my back as I tried to figure how to fix this without it looking more suspicious. When I realized Farhan didn't have a plate of food, I lifted my plate to him, pretending to offer food to him. With a brief glance at Kunj, Farhan declined it. I smiled, then placed myself beside Vivaan.
When I looked at Kunj again, he had turned his back to us.
"Be careful," Farhan murmured to me, eyes wide with fear.
I nodded, no longer with an appetite to eat.
After that, it was time for our performance. Our dance was simple, but looked better because of the number of people doing it. Everyone crowded around to watch us, with Kunj and his wife, and Darshan and Jayanti at the front.
We were in a V-formation, with me second from the front. I knew I look like the odd one out, with my veil covering most of me while the other girls had theirs pinned neatly to one side, but I still had fun. As the dance built up, our skirts and dupatta swayed around us more wildly. My hand accidentally hit the veil of the girl beside me as we spun at one point. The crowd cheered as the music grew, as we twirled. My veil billowed out around me, rising higher and higher as we spun. Our arms were outstretched.
It all happened in a blink.
The hand of the girl beside me hit my veil. Her thick bangles caught on the fabric as we turned. I heard a rip, felt a pull, and stumbled. Cold air was suddenly hitting my bare skin.
I managed to stop spinning, and looked up into the stunned faces of the crowd. My veil had ripped and fallen to the ground, exposing my stomach and back, my numerous tattoos laid bare.