Chapter 2 – Looking In
Arnav's POV
I know everyone in the family have this situation understood in their heads, that I am a workaholic. And they are right, because when I put my head to it, that's all I really think about and I do not get distracted by anything else easily. And honestly for the last couple of years in my life, there wasn't anytime for any distractions anyways.
But today again, I was distracted.I was very distracted and strange because no matter how much I immersed myself in work, my mind found any excuse that it could in that moment, to linger its thoughts back to the reason for that very distraction.
The distraction named Khushi.
It had been three days since I had spotted her on the street.
And it had been three days since I was trying to comprehend whatever this was that was happening to me.
This made no sense at all.Whatever this was, was the most nonsensical feeling ever, because I had absolutely no logic to support the emotions that I was feeling here.It had been three days in a row, that I had walked in home post 11pm, avoiding our usual family dinner time together, because I knew that my family could read me very well, specially Akash and di, it wouldn't take them more than couple of minutes to spot the distraction or restlessness that I had been feeling internally, and I knew they would question it, and I had no answer to give them, because how could I find the words to explain something to them that I couldn't really understand myself.
This was absurd.
I walked out the shower, feeling a little relaxed and I quickly changed for the night, and got into bed, with the hope that sleep would come easily, because I was feeling exhausted in my mind, it had been a long day at work, I had made sure of that.
I closed my eyes, taking a deep breathe, and there she was again, finding her way back into my thoughts, into my mind, creeping in step my step, forcing me to look within and give in to the moment.
Maybe it would be ok to actually pause to think about this, and maybe if I did actually give this moment its time, maybe this weird restlessness I was feeling within would finally fade away.
And so I found myself giving in, as my thoughts lingered back to the moment three days ago, when I saw Khushi, again.I smiled again at the fresh memory, her smile still had the power to light up a dark room.She looked almost the same as she did the last I saw of her.Kindness still ruled her heart, like it did back then, and I couldn't help but smile and feel happy about the fact that the harshness of the big bad world out there hadn't been able to change that about her.
Now that was the problem now wasn't it?
Until three days ago, she was a part of my haunting memories, but now that she had presented herself into my reality after all these years, I couldn't help but feel all those feelings that I had buried deep inside along with the past , it was like as if everything that I had felt in the past was resurfacing, again.
And I couldn't really do anything about it.
I drank a glass of water quickly, to calm my edgy nerves as I felt my mind ask me some questions on its own accord .
Its been 8 long years.
Did she even remember me??
Did she hate me for how things ended still?? Did she think about the past??
Am I part of her memories ??Or has she forgotten about my existence, over time??
And, what if she did remember me, how did she remember me, like with what emotion in her mind, with a smile or with a tinge of regret and hate?
We were over long ago, and that was how it had to be done then.The time and moment at that point in Life were different, for both of us.And ofcourse, the fact that she had vanished into thin air, wiping every trace of herself from my reality, didn't really help me back then.Ofcourse I had asked everyone that knew her back then if they knew where she went, or if there was a way I could get in touch with her, but no one would tell me anything, all I knew was that she had left the country.And in my gut I knew that she would never come back to the US, I had felt really guilty ofcourse, because I knew that I had hurt her, but I also knew that she had given up on her very bright future in the US by running away.And I was not proud of the fact that I was the reason why she fleed.Infact the guilt was drivng me crazy, her absence distracting me in the ways that were really throwing me off my grid, that I took me a lot of my mind to finally put a hold on that guilt and emotions, and get back into focus.And I knew I was just torturing myself, because I knew I couldn't find her, because she didn't want to be found.She made sure that I had no way of getting touch with her, she vanished from the social media universe forever, never to be found till today, she closed all her email accounts that I knew off, and so I finally gave in to my mind and gave up on everything that related to Khushi.
I knew she'd wanted it that way, then,and the least I could do was respect the fact that she didn't want me to step back into her reality.
But then why had she made her way back into my reality, again, after all this while??
Just maybe this was a chance to get the closure that I always seeked within, maybe this was the chance that I could run into her again, and apologize about whatever happened and get it over with, and wish her all the very best for her life , and assure her that no matter what happened, I have truly always wished the best for her.
But,was I ready to face her again? I don't know.I don't know what I feel at the thought of meeting her again face to face after all this while. Its funny though, how it still bothers the hell out of me, even though its been so so long, but it irritates me that I didn't get the closure I probably needed to get this out of my system, and maybe that's why all these feelings of the past still have this kind of hold on me, and maybe this is why she was seen in my present again, so that I could sort this out and that part of me, that makes me go on a guilt trip everytime I think of how we parted, would finally shut up.
I close my eyes, and just like that the moment when I first met her all those years ago, made its way back into my head again,so fresh as if it were yesterday.
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Flashback – Eight years Ago
Arnav's POV
I had just started out at Harvard with my MBA, and been in Boston for two months, and had settled in quite well , and was taking in some extra evening courses on entrepreneurship on the side as well,at Babson College, because I had wanted to make most of what Boston had to offer, because I had always been over ambitious when it came to my career. I always wanted to do it all right, make dad proud,just like my mind had planned it all out.And the distance between Babson and Harvard was like 13 miles which was a 18 minutes drive, so I had taken up my accommodation in this building which was at midpoint, made it easier for me to commute both ways, for my morning classes at Harvard and evening ones at Babson.
And the evening classes at Babson was where, Khushi made her presence into my Life.I would often spot her in the evening classes, it was difficult not to miss, because she always occupied the same spot on the front row.And apart from that, I would often spot her all by herself in the Library, studying. It had been weeks into the course but we never spoke, because she never waited around for a chat with anyone after the classes finished. She was to the point in her study group,which I was never a part off incidently.She never wasted her time here or there, always wanting to stay ahead of the class.
And that was what made me notice her all the time,she was different, so focused,its like she was on this mission, and was wasting no time around the bush.
She was also very beautiful. Simple,yet captivating.
But she never looked up from her books, she never looked my way, so I didn't make an effort to strike any conversation.She didn't seem the type, I usually dated.
And then one day as I had just finished playing basketball with my friends on the courts in a nearby park, I spotted her walk in with a group of children aged between eight to thirteen,and I watched in surprise as she guided the group of young boys and girls to get divided into two teams, and then she refreed the game that began.
I stood amused on the court adjacent as I watched her from afar,as she laughed and talked and even took sides to play with teams in between. I couldn't believe what I was seeing because I had always spotted her being super serious in the classes.And in that moment, it looked like she was having a lot of fun.And I was watching in silence, just as a ball came buzzing into my face and I fell back with a jerk.I got back on my feet, taking the ball in hand,and I looked at the scene, the older boys on opposite teams had gotten into his argument and one of them had kicked the ball into air , that it had found its way to my face.
Khushi looked at the two boys as she said – " derek and andy, cmon the two of you, if you cant handle this in a friendly way, than id rather have the two of sit out...look at what uv done...",and she gestured all the kids to just halt the game,as she caught hold of the first aid box from her bag, and walked towards me.
I watched as she walked upto me and spoke, sincerity reflecting in her tone – " hey, are you too hurt?? Im sorry, its just that the boys are fighting again.."
I threw the ball aside and gently rubbing my forehead where I had been hit,as I heard myself ask– "so you can play huh?? And you can smile..."
Khushi looked at me confused – " huh?? What do you mean??"
I grinned– "well you never smile in class,always so serious...."
Khushi – "im sorry, are you in any of my classes??"
I nodded – " yup, in the evening course on entreprenurship..."
She finally looked into my eyes and she smiled.And it felt like she had the smile that could light up a entire dark room, it made me feel good, really good,and she answered softly – " im sorry, when im in school, im too focused on studying, and I don't get distracted easily so..."
I smiled back – " yeah, I noticed that.."
"you did??"
I nodded -"ofcourse, difficult to miss when you occupy the same front spot in class, everyday.."
She smiled at that as she said, gesturing me to sit down on the bench – " will you sit down please?? You are hurt"
"Am I??"
She nodded as said sincerely – " you are bleeding on your forehead, I can help you if that's ok, I always carry my first aid box with these kids around, it comes handy..."
I touched my forehead to feel a bruise and I spotted the blood on my finger and I spoke – "well I guess you could help me, I cant let it bleed for long...",and I sat on the bench as I saw her starting to address my wound already as she spoke in between as she cleaned my wound – " ofcourse you shouldn't..."
I watched her out the corner of my eye as she tend to me ever so tenderly and I spoke on reflex – " its because im diabetic , so thank you..."
She looked at me for a brief second and our eyes locked,it made me flip for a second, because she stood close into me and the look she gave me made me never want to look away, but she looked away quickly and returned her attention to tending my wound and she spoke softly – " I am really sorry..."
I heard myself ask – " so how do you know these kids anyway??"
She had finished cleaning my wound.Her hands felt good as she rubbed the antiseptic ointment on my wound gently,as she spoke – " they are my friends, they all are, I met them at this orphanage nearby, I often visit there, when I get time out between work and studying, to teach the kids in between, they are all very brilliant kids...so am happy to help..and then sometimes we all come here to play...I find it very relaxing"
I asked on reflex – " you work as well?? Where??"
She finished with the ointment and then peeled out the bandaid as she spoke – " in our college at the admissions and counselling department, im in my last year of graduation..."
"no wonder you are always in a rush, you must have a busy schedule..", I stated.
She smiled as she started putting another bandaid across – " yes between morning classes, work and the evening course, I could say , that I do...",and with that she finished her care on my wound as she saw the two boys walk upto me as they apologized,and she smiled – " and im so proud of you derek, that's the right thing to do..",and they both walked back, and she looked at me – " told you, they are nice kids, im sorry for the hurt tho.."
I smiled – " nothing major, its alright...and id like to thank you"
"You'r welcome..." and she started to walk away and I got up and walked next to her as I said – " you know its very kind of you to do what you do..i respect that..."
She smiled.Again, that smile that lit up everything around, and she spoke softly walking next to me – " I do it because it gives me peace, because I exactly know what these little gestures by strangers can mean the world to these kids, all they want is someone to give them some time and attention, whilst they wait for the state to put them in foster homes or get adopted..."
I asked on reflex – " you know??"
She stopped walking as she turned to look at me and our eyes locked,and I didn't want to look away, and she spoke softly – " I know because I was a orphan too, lived in an orphanage back in Lucknow,until the age of 4, until my adoptive parents took me in and gave me a family, to call my own..."
That tone,the sincerity in her voice bowled me over and I asked – " so , you are from India ??"
She nodded – " yes, and im here on a scholarship to finish my graduation, it's a big deal for me..."
I nodded as I spoke softly – " I understand now..."
"thanks, anyways now I need to get going, gotta get on the bus and take the kids back...", she spoke looking at her watch as she paced ahead towards the kids, and I called out to her – " save a seat for me in class tomorrow, will you please??"
She looked back as she asked – " the front row...??"
I nodded - " yup, next to you, if that's ok??And by the way, my name is Arnav...and you should keep that smile on."
She smiled from afar, as she called back – " Im Khushi...",and I watched her mingle in with the kids as they made their way out, the youngest boy,almost jumping on her back from behind and she held onto him giving him a piggyride,and laughed at what the girl next to her said.
I stood rooted to the spot for the next couple of minutes with a huge smile on face.
Flashback Ends
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I feel something strange pull at the strings of my heart at the memory and with a lot of force, I pull myself back into reality, that was today.I don't know what was my mind trying to achieve here, by making me reminisce the past.And I told myself again what this was all about.I needed to get this closure, it was important, but I had no idea how to go about it.
I had to find her, I had to, that was the only way I could get her out of my system.And then maybe, we could just laugh about it all in the near future, just talk a while, and reminisce about the good old days, and maybe somewhere down the line I could get to know how the story of her life turned out, and tell her how I had lived the very dream I had always talked to her about.
But my restlessness rose again as the thought came to my head – Did she want me to step back into her reality today?? I had no clue what was up with her in her life anyway.
I knew she was in Delhi, but I had no idea where to look for her.
And all of a sudden, a hollow feeling creeped into my being, something that hadn't made its way into my head all this while, strange, because I usually like to give myself the credit of being a smart and intelligent man.
What if she was married?? And leading a perfectly happy settled life.The probability of this happening was quite high, my mind did the calculations, Khushi was four years younger to me, which meant she would be 28, and now that I remember what I knew from her of her family in the past, they would have talked her into marriage by now.Last I remember, her adoptive parents loved her a lot and respected her dreams of having a career for herself , because she wanted to be self independent, so maybe she had , had all of that, and then met someone and happily settled down a year or two ago, maybe?
I could only wonder, because I had no way of knowing anything.
Maybe I was just meant to be like I had been all this while – out of her sight,and very much out of her Life.
I felt clueless and helpless and very restless yet again.But why was I feeling what I was, after all this while as if I needed to look for her, meet her and know for myself.Why were all these feelings of the past surfacing now, haunting me over and over again. I needed the closure, I know its was time I gave myself that but I had no right to barge into Khushi's settled Life like my mind was asking me too.And I couldn't help but wonder..Was I wrong for wanting to seek this closure, that I needed??
I don't know.
I just don't know what to make of things any longer and I finally give in to exhaustion as my thoughts calm down and I drift towards sleep.Maybe, I was just supposed to keep moving on like I had been all this while and wait for my Life to throw this chance encounter my way again.
And if Life did gave me a chance encounter with Khushi again,which I liked to hope it would soon, I made a mental note to look out for the ring on her finger.
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