Before you begin...
Warning: this is a long-ass chapter.
Okay. Continue.
-Aditi
*
"And I can take you shopping."
"Mm-hmm."
"And we'll go to dinner."
"Okay."
"We'll spend more time together."
"Farhan-"
"We'll be happy."
"Farhan."
Farhan turned in his seat to look at me, eyebrows raised, completely at ease. I nodded to Vivaan, sitting in the drivers seat. "My husband is sitting right next to you."
His face immediately became stunned. I felt bad for a second, but only for a second. Somebody had to remind him.
"Right." He turned back to the front, looking sheepishly at him. "Sorry. I got carried away."
Vivaan gave a good-natured smile. "Don't be. I'm as excited as you two are. I can finally tell Preeti how I feel about her. I just hope she doesn't mind the open-marriage thing."
I met his eyes in the rearview mirror. "You forgot the part where you hope she likes you back."
"What?" Vivaan tried to look back at me. The car swerved a little.
"Watch it!"
"What you mean by that?" he asked.
I folded my arms. "Typical guy thing. You always expect the girl to like you back."
"Preeti and I have been friends for years," Vivaan pointed out. As if that explained everything.
"And?"
"She's right," Farhan said. "I had a girl best friend in high school. She confessed to me that she loved me right before we graduated, but I never saw her as more than a friend."
Vivaan's eyes were wide now. "Well, now I'm second-guessing myself!"
"Wait." I leaned forward between the seats and looked at Farhan. "Who was this girl? Why haven't you ever told me about her?"
"I-well- we," Farhan sputtered. "It wasn't a big deal!"
"She was your best friend and she fell in love with you. That's pretty big. What happened then?"
"I told her I was sorry and that I didn't feel the same way about her."
"And then?"
"She cried for a week."
"Aw, man," Vivaan and I groaned in unison.
Farhan cringed. "We never spoke again after graduating."
"You got away easy, buddy," Vivaan said.
I glared at him. "Don't listen to him. How could you just throw away your friendship like that? You should've tried to speak to her again."
"Are you mad at me for not speaking to a girl who fell in love with me? Plus, she was Christian and her parents were religious. I doubt they'd want their daughter with me."
"Right, I forgot." I sighed and leaned back. "Your religion speaks for you."
"We're here."
The car came to a stop.
We all looked outside. A tall building towered over us. A large park sat on one side, and a few shops lined down the other side. Large, bushy trees from the park hugged the building. Kids were playing there, their parents sitting by and watching.
We climbed out of the car and went inside. A small man with thinning hair sat behind the desk, typing away at a computer. We let Farhan approach him. He cleared his throat to alert his presence.
The small man looked up over his glasses. "Haanji?"
"Salaam. Mere chaacha ne shaayad aapko fon kiya tha. Mera naam Farhan hai."
"Oh! Yes, yes!" The man broke into a grin. "The nephew from America. I know much English too, see?"
"Yes, that-that's very good."
"My name is Khan." He burst out laughing. "See? Like the movie 'My name is Khan'. No, but really, my is Khan. Just not Shahrukh Khan!" Khan fell back in his seat with a hearty laugh.
Farhan glanced at us for help. Beside me, Vivaan was shaking with suppressed laughter. I tsked and went up to the desk, smiling politely. "Is the key ready for us?"
"Ah! The wife?" Khan asked. Farhan hesitated, then nodded. Khan leaned forward to shake my hand. "Very beautiful. Very nice hair. Like a cactus, sticking out in all directions." And then he doubled over laughing.
I shifted my hips to one side and folded my arms. Behind us, I could hear Vivaan laughing openly now. Even Farhan's mouth was twisted as he tried to hold back.
"Sorry, sorry." Khan wiped a tear away. "I sit here all day, so I don't get much opportunity to have fun." He stood up to and went to a drawer. "Most of the people here are Muslim too. You won't have any trouble. Your name is on the papers now too. Lucky you, eh? Your uncle pays for the apartment from Ahmadabad. You get to live here for free! You're a- what is that word called? Freeloader, eh?"
I took the key from Khan. "His uncle pays for an apartment he barely lives in. I'd say we're doing him a favor, putting it to use."
"Ah! The cactus girl pokes!" Khan chuckled. "Good for you, good for you. Room number 13F."
We gratefully walked away from that exuberant man and got in the elevator. The ride up was silent, and in our reflection, I saw anticipation mixed with fear on our faces. Were we really going to do this. Were we diving too fast?
The doors slid open. We walked out into the hallway on a red carpet with dark stains on it. The place was eerily quiet, as if we were the only souls there. A few dying plants sat against the wall here and there. Dusty chandeliers hung from the ceiling, casting a yellow glow on dirty, beige walls.
"I can see why your uncle doesn't mind paying for this place," Vivaan murmured. "He probably doesn't have to pay too much."
We stopped in front of 13F. I glanced at the others, then unlocked the door and pushed it open. It swung back to reveal a dark room. I took a deep breath and stepped inside. My hands felt along the wall until I found the switch.
Light flooded the place. It illuminated a dark, red curtain, shutting out the light. A couple of worn out, light brown sofas sat in the living area, a small glass table between them. A decent sized TV was mounted on the wall across from them. A few Islamic pictures and symbols hung on the walls. Fake, potted flowers in several colors sat on flat surfaces. A black dining table sat between the living room and kitchen, a few old mail scattered across it. The kitchen itself was small, with brown cabinets and marble counters. The place smelt of rotten fruits and vegetables.
"Oh my god," I whispered.
Farhan and Vivaan looked at me worriedly. "We can fix it," Vivaan assured.
"Yeah," Farhan said. "I'm sure my uncle won't mind if we change it around a little."
I shook my head. "I love it," I said softly.
"What?"
I walked inside, looking around. A smile stretched across my face. "This will be our place. Our own place."
I could see us having tea on the balcony behind the curtain in the evenings. I saw us sitting together on the sofa, watching a movie together, popcorn in our laps. Dinner at the dining table, laughing and chatting about our day, meals cooked together in the tiny kitchen.
It was our place. A place were we didn't have to pretend.
"It's perfect," I said.
Farhan came up beside me and took my hand. "Really?"
"Really."
"Well, great," Vivaan said. "That's settled then. We can start moving in today."
I took a deep breath, tightening my hold on Farhan. "Yeah, sure. We just have to let your parents know first."
"That we're moving into a friend's relative's house a few weeks after marriage?" A note of fear crept into Vivaan's voice. "Yeah. It shouldn't be a big deal."
"Right." Farhan was staring at me, as if looking at me would remind him that the risk he was taking is worth it. "No big deal."
"No big deal," I repeated quietly.
*
We had left home telling my in-laws we wanted to show "Arjun" around Mumbai. We came back home just an hour later with a plan of what we would say to them about moving out.
We all agreed that Vivaan should be the one to talk. Darshan would be one we had to convince, and he'd be more favorable to his son.
"Yeah," Vivaan had scoffed at that. "Sure."
My job was to stay quiet until things didn't go the way we wanted. Then I could step in and be the dutiful wife who just wants to love and spend more time with her husband, therefore moving out would be good for us. And Farhan would stand with us as a buffer. Darshan would be more polite in front of him.
And if you're wondering whether our plan worked, the simple answer is- fuck, no.
The first thing to go wrong happened before we even went into the house. I noticed a familiar car parked in the driveway, and as we pulled up, I saw my parents being greeted at the doorway.
"Oh, shit," I whispered.
My heart skipped a beat at seeing my parents again. My eyes lingered on my mother, and I got the urge to run to her and hug and tell her how much I missed her, and too take me back home with her. I made myself stay still.
Jayanti and Darshan were in the middle of inviting them inside. Upon our arrival, everyone stopped to look back at us.
"What are they doing here? I thought they went back to America." Vivaan met my eyes questioningly in the rearview mirror.
I didn't answer him. There were only two reasons for my parents to visit- because I hadn't answered their calls, or because they were going back home. The latter thought made my chest ache, but I had bigger things to worry about.
"Farhan," I said. "My mom..."
I didn't need to finish for him to know what I was talking about. As soon as my mom saw him, she'd recognize him.
"She knows who I am," Farhan explained to Vivaan.
"She could tell them the truth," I added. My heart began to pound. What do we do?
Neither of us has moved. Mine and Vivaan's family continued to stand and wait for us.
"Let's go," I said, and I began to unbuckle my seatbelt. "You too, Farhan."
"Are you crazy?" Farhan hissed. Both men turned in their seat to look at me in astonishment. "Your mother will-"
I opened the car door. "My mother got me married to protect me. Despite her bad decisions, I have to believe she's on my side in some way."
She won't do that me. Not in front everyone like that. So, why was I having so much trouble breathing?
I told myself to pull it together. My parent's faces brightened when they saw me getting out. I grinned at them. Pretend nothing is wrong. Pretend you have nothing to be guilty of.
After a beat, Vivaan and Farhan got out. I watched my mom's eyes darted to him. Immediately, her smile disappeared. Her skin paled. Her eyes widened.
I waited a second. When she didn't move or speak, I took that as a good sign and began to walk towards everyone. I didn't look back at the two men, but I knew they were a couple of steps behind me. Mom looked at me with a mixture of anger and question.
"Hi, Mom," I murmured, and went to hug her.
She barely hugged me back. Her eyes remained on Farhan, even as I let her go.
"What brings you two here?" I asked, trying to pull her attention back to me. Her eyes swiveled to me, but she remained silent.
Dad stepped forward. "We're going back home tomorrow, Adi. And you haven't been answering any of our calls."
I cleared my throat and looked away. A brief, awkward silence settled around us. Jayanti quickly came to the rescue. "Well! Why don't we go inside and I serve you both some hot, spiced tea?"
Mom glanced at me, then followed the others inside. With numb feet, I went in after them. As we all headed to the sofa, Farhan turned in a different direction and attempted to escape upstairs to his room.
"Where are you going, Arjun?" Darshan asked. "Come and sit with us. I'm sure Vivaan's in-laws would like to meet you."
I watched as Mom turned in confusion. When she realized Darshan was looking at Farhan, her eyes softened in realization. Once more, they went to me.
"Uh... sure." Farhan went and sat on the sofas with us. I took my spot beside Vivaan. Farhan took one of the armchairs furthest away, Darshan on the other. Jayanti headed into the kitchen to make tea, and my mom and dad took their place next to each other
"Aditi." Vivaan nudged me. "Why don't you go and help make the tea?"
I looked at him, trying to keep my face blank. Vivaan gave me a reassuring smile and nudged me once more. I forced myself to smile back and excused myself. What was he thinking? Why send me away?
As I walked to the kitchen, I heard Vivaan speak to my parents, "Arjun is a friend of mine from school. He's been staying with us for a while."
The last of his words faded once I was in the kitchen. Jayanti looked up upon my arrival, hovering over the stove. "Aditi, why didn't you tell me you weren't speaking to your parents, beti?"
I didn't answer. My ears were straining to hear what was going on outside. I imagined my mother getting to her feet, shouting that we were lying, that Farhan was my Muslim boyfriend. I snapped out of my thoughts when Jayanti come up to me and took my hands in hers. There were warm from being next to the stove. Her dark eyes peered into mine with concern.
"Aditi, is everything okay? You'll tell me if something is wrong, right? I'm your mother too now, beti. Don't forget that." Jayanti hesitated. "Is Vivaan treating you right?"
"Vivaan is perfect," I replied honestly. "It's just..."
"You're angry at them, aren't you?" Jayanti raised her eyebrows. "For getting you married?" I stared at her, stunned. She began to rub my arm soothingly. "I realized from the beginning that this marriage didn't exactly happen with your permission. After my marriage, I told myself I never wanted to speak to my parents again. And I didn't. By the time I reconsidered my actions, Darshan had taken me and left the village to come to Mumbai. Don't make the same mistake I had."
I knew she was right. And I desperately wanted to fix things between my parents and I, more specifically my mother. I knew things wouldn't be the same again, but I didn't want things to remain bad between us when they went back.
Jayanti told me she didn't need any help with the tea, and sent me to sit with my parents. I turned to go back and saw Mom standing in the doorway. Her gaze was on me, but her words were directed to Jayanti, "Do you need any help?"
"No, I got it. Thank you."
Mom eyes bored into me. "Aditi, why don't you and I have a little chat alone?"
My heat stopped beating for a moment. "Sure," I said.
I followed her out. She took a hold on my arm and steered me to the dining area, away from everyone. Once we were alone, she turned around and faced me. "What is this?" she hissed.
"Mom, please-"
"What is he doing here? Why did Darshan call him Arjun? What kind of lies are you spinning together, Aditi?"
My palms were clammy with sweat. How do I explain this to my mother? I hesitated. "He deserved to know what happened..." At that, Mom's eyes widened. I anticipated an outburst, but I spoke before she could. "I loved him," I hissed. "We wanted to get married. Do you understand that? But your old-fashioned, twisted thinking ruined my life and the least I could do was give him an explanation."
"Is this how you speak to your mother?" she whispered, leaning in. Her eyes were burning with anger. "You don't answer our calls, or come to visit us with your in-laws and now-"
"And what about you?" I demanded. All my plans of trying to remain calm and leave things good between us were thrown out the window. I was enraged with her. And I needed her to know it. "You throw me to the sharks, and don't even bother to look back until it's time for you to leave. If I didn't answer your calls, you could've come to see me."
"I wanted to give you time to adjust. The fact that you weren't answering my calls meant that you were still upset, and you weren't letting yourself adjust. The less you depended on us the easier it would be for you to make this your new home." Mom pointed towards the living room where the others were. "Does Vivaan know that boy is a Muslim?"
"Yes." I lifted my chin, glaring at her. "He knows everything."
"But Darshan and Jayanti don't," Mom stated, watching me carefully.
I paused. "Farhan will be leaving soon," I lied. "I just needed him to know everything."
Mom remained still, thinking. My breathes became shaky. "Mom," I whispered. "Please. He'll be gone soon! They don't need to know anything. Vivaan is okay with it!"
"They need to know they have a Muslim living under their roof."
"What does it matter what his religion is!?" It was like speaking to a thick wall, my own words bouncing back at me. "I can show you a hundred Hindus who are lowlife scums compared to the one Muslim sitting in that room."
"Aditi, watch your tongue!" Mom lifted her hand. We both froze. She looked at her hand, as if surprised by what she had been about to do. Slowly, she lowered it. "You never used to be like this," she said softly.
"I've always been like this," I said. I didn't need to say the next part. She understood. I just buried it when I was at home. But I was fucking things up majorly by letting my emotions get the best of me. I took a deep breath and tried to put on a calmer face. "Mom... I just need to you to be on my side for once."
"I am on your side, don't you see?" Mom looked stressed and hurt, and it pained me to see her like that. "Why do you think I did all this?"
I bit my tongue. If I said the truth, we would have another argument. Instead, I said, "Then just be on my side once more."
Mom shook her head. "I have to think about what's best for you, Aditi."
"This is best for me."
But she didn't look convinced.
"Please."
She didn't reply. She turned and went towards the living room.
"Mom, please."
I hoped she would stop and look back at me. When she didn't, I rushed after her. Close to breaking into tears, I tried to take her arm to make her look at me, but I was too late. She'd stepped into the living area. With trembling breathes, I watched her walk towards the others, almost as if in the daze. Darshan, Jayanti, Farhan, Vivaan and my father all lifted their heads as she came closer.
I gave Vivaan and Farhan a look begging for help. Vivaan quickly understood and got to his feet.
"Uh, is everything, okay, Maaji?"
Mom didn't reply. She stopped walking. "Aditi," she called without looking back at me, "come here."
I hovered in my spot for a moment, then walked up to her. Mom surprised me by reaching out and taking my hand. And then, she said, "Aditi was just telling me how much she loves it here." My head swiveled to look at her. Mom was smiling at my in-laws. "She said you two have been taking great care of her. Right, Aditi?" She looked at me.
"Y-yes," I stuttered, nodding quickly.
Mom's eyes held mine for a second longer before she patted the back of my hand and let me go to sit down. I felt as if I could melt to the floor in relief right there. Vivaan seemed to see how stunned I was, and reached out to pull me to the sofa. I let him lead me quietly.
She didn't tell them. She didn't say anything.
I looked up at her again, but Mom didn't meet my eyes again for a while after that. A light conversation took place soon, over spiced tea. I barely touched my cup. What changed her mind? Did she finally decide to see things my way?
At some, I was pulled back into the conversation when Darshan spoke, "I was thinking, Vivaan. You and Aditi should move into one of the bigger bedrooms. We could remodel it to make it even bigger, like ours. You'll have much more space for your things."
It was true. The bedroom we were in was a little crammed between the two of our belongings. But at the mention of moving, Vivaan and I looked at each other.
"That sounds great," Vivaan said to his father.
I nodded along with him. Now wasn't a good time to tell them about our plans. Especially in front of my mother.
We waited until my parents were gone.
A hollow space had carved itself out in my chest as we walked them to the door. My father remained unmoved at having to leave me, saying goodbye with a simple hug and kiss to the forehead. He looked happy. His daughter was married and belonged to another family now. He had nothing left to worry about.
Mom came to my side and squeezed my hand tightly in hers. She was crying. And when she looked at me, I saw a thousand apologies written in her eyes. With a shuddering breath, I hugged her.
"I'll be okay. I'll visit you." In a whisper, I added, "Thank you."
She let me go to cup my face in her hands. I tried my best to hold myself together as she smiled at me. "Be a good daughter-in-law, okay? I love you."
"I love you, Mommy."
Just like that, everything was okay between us once more. Some part of me would never forgive her for what she did, would always hold that resentment towards her. But she was my mother, and in the end, I loved her.
I watched them leave from the doorway. Once they were out of sight, and Jayanti had shut the door, I suddenly felt alone like I had on my first day here. I turned, seeking the comforting sight of Farhan. He gave me a reassuring smile. It would be okay. We had each other.
"So, Papa..." Vivaan's waited for me in the living room as we walked back. "There's something I wanted to tell you."
"Jayanti, make me some tea," Darshan said. My father-in-law had a permanent grumpy face, which didn't make this any easier. Jayanti wordlessly obeyed and headed into the kitchen while Darshan made himself comfortable in the armchair. "Hm," he sounded, giving permission for Vivaan to continue.
Farhan's eyes were suddenly wide with anxiety. I joined the two young men and sat on the sofa next to Vivaan, who had begun to wring his hands together. "Arjun's uncle has an apartment that he doesn't live in. He-"
"Who is this uncle?" Darshan asked. "Where is he from?"
Vivaan went still. "Delhi," he replied after a beat.
Darshan nodded. "Hm."
Vivaan inhaled deeply before continuing, "Anyway, Aditi and I are thinking about moving into it. We went to see it together. It's a lovely apartment. Not too far from here."
Unfortunately.
"And Arjun's uncle is willing to let us stay there for free until we find our own place," Vivaan said.
Darshan gazed at his son with narrow eyes over his glasses. The stillness in the room was interrupted by Jayanti coming in with the tea. Darshan took it from her, and took a few tender sips of the steaming drink. The three of us awkwardly waited.
The man's eyes briefly drifted to Farhan before he replied, "And what is wrong with staying here until you find a place? Are you that eager to leave again? You remember what happened the last time you rushed into moving out."
Vivaan shifted in his seat. "Well, now that I'm married... I thought it would be good for Aditi and I to-to get to know each other."
Darshan glanced at me. I tried to go for a shy smile. His eyes went back to Vivaan. "You can't 'get to know each other' here?"
"It's different. We... we want our own place."
"This is your place too."
Vivaan was at a loss for excuses. That was it. Now it was my turn to step in. "Papa," I smiled winningly at him, "Vivaan and I thought it would be a good start for us to learn to be on our own. I can... learn to take care of my husband. Perform the role of a wife better. Maaji has taught me a lot. Now I should learn to do it on my own. We can learn to be independent." I realized I'd used the word 'learn' about four times and quickly fell silent.
At this, Darshan chuckled as if I'd said a joke. "Independent..." he murmured. "You want to learn to be independent by living in someone's else home for free."
My hands curled into a fist. "Just until we find our own place."
"My answer is no."
"Papa, I wasn't asking," Vivaan said. All eyes swiveled to him. My husband held his fathers gaze with determination.
The corners of Darshan's mouth turned down. "And yet, I'm still saying no."
"Papa-"
"No. You will stay here. Move into the bigger room. You will work until you can afford your own place, and then you two are free to leave. This is what is best for you, Vivaan. That is the end of this discussion."
Vivaan's head bowed, and he looked as if he wanted to say more. Instead, he got his feet to leave. Farhan and I moved to follow.
"Aditi, stay. I want to speak to you," Darshan said.
After some hesitation, Vivaan and Farhan left with a last glance at me. I sat back down on the sofa. Darshan told Jayanti to leave as well. Once the two of us were alone, his gaze fixed on me. My eyes flicked here and there as I waited, listening to him blow on his tea before sipping it loudly.
After the sip, he sighed and set his cup down. "Have your parents ever hit you for not behaving, Aditi?"
I shifted uncomfortably, remembering how Mom had lifted her hand during our argument. "Yes. When I was little." Eventually, I learned I could get away with misbehaving by doing it behind their backs. My parents had never hit me again since I was a fifteen.
Darshan nodded, amused. "I'm sure it was a light slap here and there, right? Hard enough for you to know they're serious, but light enough so they don't injure you."
I swallowed, and remained silent, bristling with the way he spoke.
"My father used to beat me with a belt. Hard whips across my back, until the skin tore. It was discipline, you see. In my time, in my village, that's how it was done. I tried to be more lax with Vivaan. When he cried, I let him cry. When he sneaked out of the house, I pretended I didn't notice. When he used to smoke, I'd pretend I didn't smell it and move on. When he started painting pictures, I told myself he'd grow out of it. When he got those ridiculous tattoos, I told him he would regret it when he was older. And don't get me started on the jewelry he wears..." Darshan shook his head. "The point it, if I had disciplined him like my father did with me, I would've had a son to be proud of." My eyes flicked up. Darshan seemed as if he could see the discomfort on my face, and was taking pleasure in it.
"When he married you," he continued. "I thought things were finally turning around. I thought, a sweet and obedient daughter-in-law would fix him." Darshan tilted his head. "But looking at you now, I'm wondering if you're not as pure white as you look. I'm wondering if there is a black stain on you." He paused. "Whose idea was it to move out?"
I held his gaze evenly. "We both thought of it together."
"Ah, but see," Darshan smiled and wagged a finger at me, "one of you had to have brought the topic up. Are you not happy here, Aditi?"
I gave a smile that felt sarcastic. "How could I not be happy here?"
"Exactly. You have a roof over your head. A man to take care of you. Food to eat. So, what is it?"
I gritted my teeth. I knew what he was trying to do. He wanted to pin this on me. To accuse me of being a bad influence on Vivaan. I raised my eyebrows. "What is what?"
"What is the problem?"
"I didn't say there was a problem. Vivaan and I are happy together. But like we said, we just couldn't wait to have our own little place."
Darshan eyed me. "That's not going to happen until Vivaan fixes his life. Even then, I think it would be best for him if he stayed here. After all, this house will become his once we're gone." His gaze buried into me. "Vivaan may not realize it, but I know what is best for him- for both of you. Think about it. "
I smiled. "I will. Anything else?"
My father-in-law smiled too. "That is all."
I got to my feet, my mouth still stretched, and made my way upstairs. I could feel Darshan's eyes on my back. He was satisfied, certain he had made his point. He thought he had won. In my head, I was only thinking of one thing.
Game on.
*
*
*
For those of you how may not have understood the joke Khan had made when meeting Farhan and the others, Shahrukh Khan is a big Bollywood actor, and he had been in a movie called 'My Name is Khan'