Too late. I broke, sunk to my knees as the flood gates inside my eyes once more were opened wide, hot tears running down my face as the knife in my heart made sure they won't stop so soon.
With both hands before my mouth, I tried to muffle my sobs, keep my breath inside, but It was a struggle against ungodly powers. My vision became blurry as the veil of moist thickened over my eyes and the warm droplets of my despair fell from my chin onto the cold, tiled floor.
The next thing I felt was when two strong arms laced around my shaking body, trapping me inside a comforting hug as a warm hand stroked over my head over and over again.
"Please don't cry. It's not the alcohol talking. I meant what I said. I love you. Truly, deeply, honestly. I don't want to see you get hurt, but I can't hold myself back anymore. I want you to know how I feel, or I will burst from the inside."
My fingers clawed deeply into Erwin's black shirt that he's still wearing as I buried my face into his chest, shaking my head, to banish his words, that were laced with sweet honey, and that shoved the knife only deeper.
"Y-you....you're mean. You're cruel. I hate you. I fucking hate you...." I sobbed into his shirt, but deep down I knew I was lying. I could never hate him, even if I wanted to. And he knew it.
With my fist, I weakly hit his chest over and over again, repeating what I just said in unison, but Erwins embrace never weakened, the soothing and calming words never wavering. He sensed that my body wasn't reflecting what my voice said, whatever I said would only pull him closer. His embrace tightened, trapping my whole being in his arms, between his legs, against his body, until I was consumed.
Minutes passed, without my sobs and whimpers subsiding, but when I felt Erwin finally pulling away, to look at me, I refused. I don't need a mirror to know that I looked like shit. A messy pile of human on his knees before a man that was once again in total control of the situation, even though he'd consumed alcohol.
Erwin removed his hand from my head and brought it to my chin, raising my head to look at him. His grip was so soft. Not forcing me, not pushing, but I couldnt resist.
And when our eyes met, it was as if the time stood still. The moonlight reflected inside his eyes and painted them in a whole new shade of blue I've never seen before. So bright and deep, serene and soothing, as if I was drowning in a pool of stardust.
"Gosh...you're so beautiful." He murmured silently, his other hand removing from my back to join his brother, cupping my face with both of them, gentle thumbs wiping the trails of moist away. In this moment, there was no one else, but us. Only Erwin occupied my mind as he spoke the words that make me feel valued for more than just my outer appearance. His eyes stared directly into mine, luring my deepest, inner secrets and hidden personality out. Even fully clothed, I was completely bare for him in this moment.
Erwin leaned down to me, slowly, eyes closing, his hands pulling me gently up to meet him.
I could push him away. I know I have the physical strength to do it. If I push him off now, I could get away, but...
"Nina...."
...the voice that calls me is so terribly kind. I can't push these hands away. I cant...
Warm air brushes over my lips, stray locks tickling my forehead, my fingers digging deeper into soft fabric, pulling me against the temptation, and I was rewarded with a heart-melting kiss.
The soft pair of lips that lingered against mine, abducted me into another world, somewhere above the clouds, straight to heaven.
I completely gave into this moment, surrendering myself to the man that kept me so safe in his arms, that my own let go of his shirt, wandering higher to lace around broad shoulders, one hand buried in a field of golden locks to press him further into me, and Erwin immediately complied, reacted, melted against me, cupping my cheek with his big hand, the other one going down again to lace his strong arm around my waist as he sighed contentedly into the kiss. Erwin's lips felt soft and warm, and even though this kiss was forbidden, we both not involving our tongues, it was wonderful and intense, causing pleasurable shivers to run down my spine as we kept pressing our mouths together, our lips producing lovely and quiet smacking sounds whenever they parted only to quickly meet again. My heart was pounding in my chest, all the voices singing, repeating a line over and over again in their angelic melody: I'm in love with Erwin Smith, and suddenly, nothing hurt anymore.
Erwin P.O.V.
For the first time like forever, I felt complete. The evening had started so shitty, weird and twisted, but I couldnt think of a better ending. Even though Nina didn't say the words I craved to hear, her body spoke so much louder.
As her arms snaked around my shoulders, when I felt her slender fingers running through my hair to pull herself up against me, I knew this is where I wanted to be. With no one else, but her.
I dived further and deeper into the kiss, letting it last for longer than ever before as I pressed her body against mine as her warmth became my own when our beings melted into each other. I put all my feelings for her into this kiss, letting her know how much I value, how much I adore, how much I love her. It was the perfect unison of two souls that connected physically, and mentally, until everything around us faded away, lights and sounds alike, until there was just the two of us floating in a sphere of silence, living, loving, the silent smacking of our lips and our sighs the only things hearable.
We were forced to part unfortunately, since breathing was required for living, but I don't want to let go of her. When I saw her looking up at me with a sincere sparkle in her eyes, the flush on her cheeks visible even in this darkness, that's when I knew. Her heart and soul laid bare and naked before me, her very inner being turned to the outside for only me to see. I was blessed at this moment. I don't know how, but I was sure not even Levi had seen her like this before.
With us both catching our breaths, I pulled her farther against me, my hand that had formerly cupped her cheek now buried in her soft locks to gently press it against my shoulder while I rest my cheek on top of her head, a wave of her smell tickling my senses as I inhaled deeply through my nose, only to breathe out again in a long and slow stroke.
"We have to tell Levi." Her voice cut through the silence like a sharp Katana through a bamboo mat, but what cut even deeper was the truth that l lied inside her words. She's right.
Right now, we both are nothing more but a couple of cheaters who go behind their friends and boyfriends back. As this truth sunk deeper and deeper into my brain, I began to feel horrible. Levi was my subordinate, my partner in the military and crime for more than 10 years, and I thank him by stealing his girlfriend. Sure, I should've thought about this earlier, but what could I do?
I'm a man after all. As soon as a beautiful woman is involved, our rational sense of thinking is on Stand-By, all blood drained from the brain and gathered in the area below the belt-line. As much as I would call myself an exception, I'm not.
I sighed into her hair, kissing on top of her crown.
"I know. We have to. But...how do you feel? About him, I mean. About us?" Even though she didn't say the three magic words to me, I know that there is something inside her heart that's only meant for me. She didn't want to admit it to herself before, but I know its there. Sooner or later, Nina has to be true to herself and admit it, even if it hurts, but I have to know how she feels for Levi.
"I feel...I don't know how I feel. I feel good but so bad at the same time. Erwin...I'm 100% sure that I love Levi. With all of my heart, but how is this possible? I love him...I love him so fucking much. And it hurts me so bad to know that there's now someone else. What should I do? I'm so scared!"
"Shhh...Shhhhshhhshhh...Don't freak out now. Bear with me, breathe with me. I know how you feel, and I can assure you, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's all my fault. I never made a mystery out of my feelings, laid everything open and shared my affection for you openly, in private and in public. I knew you are a pure soul, who'd been denied the desired love and affection for too long, and who craves for being touched, loved and adored for the person you truly are, and I took advantage of this so shamelessly. If there's anyone to blame, then it's me."
Nina nodded slightly, humming in addition, but I knew this wasn't enough to keep her sorrow and worries at bay. She was shaking like a leaf and once more, her fingers raked deeply into my shirt, desperately looking for support, for something to hold onto in this cruel world.
"But how should we tell Levi? And what? It's not all your fault, Erwin. I could've said no from the beginning, I could've rejected you, could've told you I don't want this, but I didn't. And now, I'm risking the only true relationship I've ever had with the man I love. How will he react to this? What will he say, or do? Erwin...I'm so scared, please help me."
Her desperate beg for help hurt me deep inside. Somehow, I knew that she wasn't just scared about how Levi might react, but also how Levi might act with her. Was she afraid that he will beat her?
I know Levi long enough to say he's not the kind of man who hits women out of anger or rage, but what I knew as well is, that Levi is unpredictable when his emotions boil up and that he's unpredictable when it comes to Nina. If I learned anything from our time together since she joined, then that he would do anything to keep her safe and sound, and mostly all to himself.
Not even I dare to gamble or foresee how Levi will react, but I'll be damned if I allow him to hurt her. I will protect her from any harm, no matter the cost, even if its Levi.
"Listen. Whatever you say, you cant change my mind. It's my fault. You acted and reacted just the way you knew and how your body told ya. There's nothing wrong in this and there's no crime done. So...how about this: When Levi comes back in two weeks, I will tell him on my own, while you will wait at your home for news. And before you say anything: No, you don't have a vote in this matter. I want you to be as far away as possible when I confront Levi with this."
I heard her groaning in response, robbed of any words or protest, well knowing that I had the upper hand in this matter. I can tell that she wants to tell him by herself, that she feels responsible for it as his girlfriend, but I won't allow that. Her safety has the utmost priority in this shitty matter.
"Fine...under one condition: Don't you dare to keep me waiting for too long, or I swear I'll be at your door before you can say Winter-wrap-up."
"Okay. Deal." I couldn't hold back the chuckle. Making jokes was always a good way to deal with hard and difficult situations, but this was easier than I actually thought. I had expected more protests or objections from her. When I take a closer look, she really looks very drained. Poor girl...
She cried a lot the last days, went through so much stress with Levi, and then Im joining as well to give her even more of it on top. And even though I feel relieved and happy that I finally know how she feels for me, even without verbally admitting it, I also felt guilty for putting this strain on her. Nina is emotionally exhausted...Its written all over her face and body. I really need to be more careful with her.
"Sweetie.... let's not worry about that now. Look at you. You're beyond tired. You need to sleep. It's long after midnight."
As if I could read her mind, she yawned instantly.
"M-hm...yeah."
Good enough...
"Do you want to go into Levis's bed? Or perhaps...you want to join me? You don't have to! It's just a question." I don't want her to feel forced to join me. Not after all that'd happened. I can't even imagine what might be going on inside her right now, but sure as hell, she's confused and needs time to clear her head. The last thing I want is her to feel pressured.
And with just today and tomorrow left as her last days off, she needs all the rest she can get.
"I wanna go home..." She replied after a while, her voice weak when her sudden tiredness hit her mercilessly, her arms sliding down from my neck as they drop lifeless to my sides, thumbs hooking into the loops of my pants where my belt sits. I already miss the warmth of her skin on mine...but I have to think of her well-being now.
"There's no way I'm going to let you drive home now in this state. You go into Levi's room. Lock yourself up if you must, but you don't go anywhere this night, but the bed. Understood?" I made sure that my message reached her brain as I talked loud and clear, and a weak, but noticeable nod told me what I needed to know. Shes even too tired to protest any longer.
"Then come. Time to sleep."
I carefully removed her arms from my waist before I changed my position a bit to stand on my tiptoes while kneeling. Like this, I scooped her up from the ground, one arm bracing her back and one hooking under her knees. I balanced the little extra weight as I raised into standing.
Like this, I left the scene with Nina in my arms, her head resting against my shoulder, weak and warm breaths brushing over the exposed skin of my neck, which caused pleasant chills running down my spine. On the short way from the living room to Levis bedroom, I felt her tension fading completely, and when I looked down at her, I discovered her passed out already, breath going slow but steady, arms loosely dropped from her body, like the fair maiden rescued by her knight in shining armor.
I wish It would be this way. How much I craved to become her one and only, her everything, but I don't know as well how this will develop and turn out between us, now, that I am allowed to hope again.
As her shining knight, I have to face the fierce dragon all by myself. Which is Levi, in this case.
I wouldn't admit it to anyone, but I was a bit afraid. Levi didn't own the title "Humanities strongest soldier" for nothing. Even now, he still earns this title very well. Only god knows what will happen when I confront Levi with the hard news. After a long and probably tiring trip, this is the least you want to hear when you come back home, but we can't live in denial or lie about it forever. It would destroy us. Us all.
I have to come up with a plan, think out every single detail and predict every action that might come, no matter how unrealistic or out of character it may be. I need time, and that's a material short of stock. Two remaining weeks might sound enough, but it isn't. It's never enough time to think about something that involves the human heart.
It doesn't think rational like the brain. It acts only driven by emotions, and with Levi being one of the most emotional persons I've ever met, its almost impossible to predict how this will turn out.
No matter what, I have to do my best. For myself, for Levi, and for Nina. If there's even a little spark of hope for anyone of us, I will not fail to keep it burning, so god help me!
I enter the bedroom with Nina in my arms as I pushed the door open with my back, gliding inside and paying attention that I don't drop the valuable package I'm carrying.
When I had Nina placed down comfortably on the soft sheets, I tug the blanket from beneath her body to cover half of her. She's still fully clothed, but I don't want to overstep my limits. No matter how tempting it is to undress her so she wont sweat, I have to remain steadfast. This could awake a false impression and then all my efforts would be in vain.
I have to regain control over my lower region and command my blood back to my brain, where I need it now more than ever.
As I raised again and looked down at her sleeping figurine, I couldnt help but stay like this to admire Nina in her sleeping beauty for a while. With a content smile, a low sigh escaping through my nose, I relaxed. Seeing her like this gives me the hope and strength that I can figure out a way to make this a happy ending...Somehow, but for which side? I can't say. Only time will tell.
I bend down one last time, kissing her forehead tenderly, then the tip of her nose, and one last peck on the set of full, luscious lips.
"Goodnight, my angel. I'll see you tomorrow." I whispered against her soft skin, a subtle sigh my reward when I retreated from my lowered position to sneak out of the room, closing the door behind me before I head to my room.
Once inside, undressing from my black suit that was stained and saturated with the disgusting smell of that woman I dared to bring here. Her make-up and lipstick smeared over the expensive fabric, but I guess I have to be thankful for that as well. Otherwise, thinks wouldn't have developed the way they have tonight. It turned out better than I could ever expect. I know now that Nina has feelings for me, that she maybe even loves me. All that's left now, is to let Levi know.
I throw the dirty clothes into my laundry basket and just put on one of my oversized shirts as I shimmied under my covers, sitting upright in my bed while I looked out of the open window for a little while, recalling all that'd happened today, replaying all scenes, remembering all spoken words, all actions...and the kiss.
A pleasant warmth builds up in my chest and spreads through the rest of my body, filling me with so much happiness that I couldnt help but smile.
Sure, I know that this is a bittersweet situation and that I'm putting a heavy burden not on my shoulders, but also Nina's. I regret that she's the one who probably suffers the most of it right now, but I don't regret the turn of events.
If Levi should be really that dense to dump her because of this, and me as well, then I see no other choice but to distance myself from him and take Nina with me to keep her safe from harm.
The simple thought of this possible scenario hurt and left a bitter aftertaste in my mouth. Salty, like metal, a burning sensation that paved its way down my throat, but as much as it hurts, I have to think of everything that could happen and create a matching plan for it. This also includes the possibility that Levi and Nina might break up. She'll need me if this should happen.
I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. Tired from all the worrying, thinking and brooding, I let myself fall back, my head meeting the pillow with a loud POOF as I spread my arms to my sides like wings.
"Let's see how this will develop. But however this will turn out, either way, Nina will be mine. With or without Levi, she'll be mine." I murmur to myself, closing my eyes with the memory of Nina's face the moment before we kissed.