A week later, Harry and Niall have made small, yet significant changes to the map. Over the course of the week, they've usually spent a few minutes on the map before getting distracted and sometimes, when Niall gets too intense, Harry will tell a joke to bring the tension down.
Harry's noticed just how much Niall puts himself down during these periods. Whenever they work on the map, Niall would second guess himself on whatever he was pointing out, and he would always try to eat quickly so he's not taking up too much of Harry's time. Every time Harry would make a move to put the map away so they could just talk, Niall would always assume Harry was leaving him for the day.
Harry has learned a lot about Niall in the time they spend together. He found out that Niall always comes to the U.S. during the summer to help his uncle with his small farm, and when his parents stopped going when he was twelve, he would always try to find a way to come back on his own to see his family. Niall has an older brother who moved away as soon as he turned eighteen, so Niall has felt like an only child for so long. He also has a nephew, but he's never able to see him because of his brother moving away and almost all the money he saves goes toward his trips to the U.S. rather than going to see his brother. Niall doesn't talk much about why he always comes back to the U.S., or how he got roped into the war.
In turn, Harry talks about his past. He tells of his sister, Gemma, and mother, Anne, the most, and how they were so worried when he told them via letter that he was going to fight in the war. He tells of how he came to U.S. in search of work a couple of years ago, but only started fighting within the last few months when he was laid off from his job. He tells of Liam, the company nurse, who went to war around the same time and how they met at bootcamp. He tells of losing Andy when they were captured and all the other people that have died or disappeared since joining the fight.
During this time, the two tend to relax around each other. They normally sit close and Harry always has to stop himself from pressing himself against Niall. The more time they spend together, the more Harry has to hold himself back.
However, one day, Niall is strangely quiet. He doesn't speak at all while he's eating and whenever Harry tries to lighten the mood with a joke or snide remark, Niall just gives a small smile and returns to his food. When they begin working on the map, things only get worse. Niall points out the differences quietly and while Harry fills them in, he opts to draw designs in the dirt beneath him rather than continue talking or saying anything until Harry's done, and then points out something else.
After a few minutes of Niall pointing out small things to label and draw attention to, he finally says, "Harry?"
"Yeah?" Harry looks up at Niall, gazing into his eyes. His eyes look dark in the dim light as he stares down at the two pieces of parchment.
Niall sucks in a breath, blowing it out through his nose. "What is gonna happen to me once we finish this map?"
Harry glances back and forth between Niall's eyes. He tries to get his counterpart to look up and meet his gaze, but Niall's eyes stay glued to the papers. "That's why we're taking our time to work on it. So we can buy you time."
"Bullshit, Harry. The longer we make them wait, the worse our punishment is gonna be." He bites the corner of his lip, pulling it into his mouth before releasing it with a shaky breath. "They're gonna kill me the moment this is done."
"Niall, they're not going to kill you." Harry insists.
"How do you know that? I'm not welcome here, Harry! The moment they get what they want, they'll kill me, and there's nothing either of us can do about it!" Niall refused Harry's notion.
"Okay, okay, calm down." Harry demands, trying to lower his voice. "We'll deal with whatever they throw our way when it comes to it, okay? Right now, let's just work on the map."
"I can't just forget that no matter what I do, I will always be the enemy to them. Whether I complete this map or not, at the end of the day, I'm a dead man."
"No. You're not." Harry sighs and leans back, propping his head on his knee.
Niall nods. "I am. They all want me dead. Why don't you?"
"The same reason you didn't want me dead when we were your prisoners. I have a heart, and I know you don't deserve to die." Niall seems as if he's going to say something, but Harry interrupts him. "You fought so hard to keep us alive. You even got us the map so we could escape. You knew we didn't deserve to be held captive until our deaths, and you did something about it. Well, this is me doing something about it for you. I will fight as hard as I can to make sure you don't die. I'll fight my own corporal and entire company off if it means you will survive."
Niall whispers, "Why? Why do you care about me so much?"
Harry sighs, placing his pencil down and pushing himself to his knees. "I don't know why I do, Niall, I just do." He reaches for Niall's hand, and Niall lets him squeeze his fingers and hold onto his hand like it's a lifeline, even though his own is limp.
"You should hate me, just like the rest of them." Niall argues.
"I could never hate you. You didn't hate me like the rest of your company did, so why are you so adamant that I should hate you? I'm nothing like the members of my company. I don't care what side you fought for. I know you have a good heart and you deserve to live."
Niall falls silent for almost a full minute. He looks down at the two pieces of parchment sadly before looking up with tears in his eyes. He finally squeezes Harry's hand, moving his fingers until his are laced with Harry's.
"You should hate me."
"I shouldn't."
Niall shakes his head, sitting up on his own knees in front of Harry. Harry stares into the dark blue of Niall's eyes, watching as he's trying to will away the unshed tears.
Just then, Niall leans forward on his knees. He falls into Harry and everything seemingly happens in slow-motion; Niall's lips are parted, as if he wasn't expecting himself to lean forward, but yet was hoping for it to happen. Harry puts his arm out to catch Niall, thinking he lost his balance at Niall's wide, bewildered expression, but he nearly loses his own balance as Niall's lips press up against his own; forceful, yet delicate. Chapped, yet soft. Plump, yet thin.
Harry falls back so he's sitting on his ankles. Niall follows him willingly, his eyes closed as he lets his body sag against the man in front of him, as he follows his heart instead of his head, and for once, in the moment, Harry knows that Niall doesn't feel useless. He doesn't feel weak. He doesn't feel as if he deserves to die. He feels powerful, and strong, and deserving of life.
Harry wants to close his eyes and let himself get lost in the kiss, but he doesn't. He wants to lose track of time, but he doesn't. He wants to pull Niall against his body and kiss him back with all the feelings he's been holding back, but he doesn't. He wants to transfer all the thoughts he's had toward Niall through this kiss, but he doesn't. He doesn't do anything. He doesn't react, he doesn't pull Niall in, he doesn't kiss him back, he doesn't push him away.
He can feel Niall's lips moving against his own. He can feel how Niall's asking him to kiss him back through his movements.
But he doesn't. He just sits there, with Niall's body leaning over his, and takes it.
After a few more moments pass and Harry's lips remain unresponsive, Niall finally pulls away. He gasps for his breath and blinks his eyes open, and Harry watches as a tear falls from his right eye and drizzles down his face, dripping onto the dirt floor. Niall leans back on his heels before his feet give out and falls to the side, his legs still wrapped to the side of him as his bum hits the ground and his back hits the wall.
"There." Niall mutters, another tear falling. "Now you do."
Harry blinks several times, trying to recall the conversation they were having before Niall kissed him. "What?"
"Now you do. Now you hate me. Or, at least, now you have a reason to hate me." Niall tells spitefully as he pulls his nails through the dirt.
Harry shakes his head, "I don't hate you."
Niall suddenly jumps to his feet and yells, "Yes you do! You should! I just kissed you! I kissed you, a straight man, and you're telling me you don't hate me for that?"
Harry struggles to get to his feet as well, "No! I told you, I don't care who you like!"
"Even if it's you?" Niall screeches as he kicks at the ground childishly, covering the two sheets of parchment with dirt and rocks.
Harry steps closer, onto the maps, and puts his hands on Niall's shoulders. "Even better if it's me, actually." Harry explains vaguely, pulling Niall into him for a forced hug. Niall struggles to get out of it.
"Then why didn't you accept it? Why didn't you kiss me back?" Niall's shoulders deflate when he is finally able to get out of Harry's embrace. Harry keeps his hands on his shoulders.
Harry sighs and looks down for a moment, collecting his thoughts. He steps closer when he looks back up. "I don't want you to feel like I'm using you."
Niall scoffs, "What?"
"Niall," Harry's voice shakes. "I don't know what I'm feeling toward you but, dammit, it's something. I haven't felt like this towards anyone, ever, and I'm still trying to figure out what it is that I'm feeling."
Niall steps back, shaking off Harry's hands from his shoulders.
"You're lucky; you know who you are who you like. I've never known. You even said it yourself when you told me about all those other men you met at the molly-house; most of them didn't figure it out until after they were married to a woman. Well, I don't know who I like. I've never looked or talked about a girl the way all my mates did back in England, but I've never liked a man before either. Not until..." Harry trails off, taking a step closer again until Niall's back hits the wall and he has nowhere else to escape to. "until you."
Niall stops and closes his eyes, "Then why didn't you kiss me back if you fancy me?"
Harry bites his lip, hard. He can feel the imprints in his lower lip when he runs his tongue over it. "After everything that's happened to you, after how... useless you felt, and still feel, I just... I don't want you to feel that way anymore. And if I were to kiss you back and then it turns out I don't actually like men, I just don't want you to feel like I used you to figure myself out. You don't deserve that."
Niall lets his back scrape against the wall as he slides down. "I thought you not kissing me was a for-sure sign that you hated me now."
"I've already told you before, but I'll say it again since you seemingly can't get it through that thick head of yours, I could never hate you. Even if I didn't like you the way I do, I wouldn't hate you for kissing me." Harry gets down onto his knees, the parchment crumpling under his weight.
Niall shrugs sluggishly, almost as if all his strength has gone out of his body after his sudden burst of energy. "I wouldn't have felt like you were using me if you did kiss me back."
Harry nods, leaning his back against the wall next to Niall. "I didn't want to take that chance. I didn't want to take advantage of your vulnerability."
Niall meets Harry's gaze, "Thank you for taking my feelings into consideration with this. When you said earlier that you didn't know why you cared about me, my body just... decided to... give in to what I've been holding back for so long." Niall tries to explain himself, and Harry nods along.
"That's why you kissed me."
"Yeah," Niall nods. "I thought if I kissed you and you did fancy me the way I do you, you'd kiss me back. But if you didn't kiss me back, I knew you'd probably hate me at that point and would want me dead, and I would've accepted that."
"You and your death wish, my God." Harry shakes his head and Niall laughs quietly. "You really put yourself out there. What you did was really dangerous, and you're lucky I like you back or else I might've gone crazy when you did that."
"I kind of had a little bit of an idea that you liked me. You're not very good at hiding your feelings." Harry sends him a look and Niall laughs. "But when you didn't kiss back, I got... really scared. You keep saying I have a death wish, but honestly, I'm terrified of dying. But, for some fucked up reason, I'm more scared to die at the hands of someone whose hatred for me is unprecedented, than die at the hands of someone who does or used to care for me but hates me for whatever reason when they kill me."
Harry blinks away the thin gloss that formed over his eyes, "You want me to kill you?"
"If I had made you hate me in that moment, yes. I would want you to kill me, because you have a reason to."
Harry shakes his head quickly, adamantly stating, "No one ever has a reason to kill anyone. Killing is never the answer."
Niall laughs slightly, "That's ironic to say in the middle of a war. Everyone wants the enemy dead no matter what."
"I've never killed anyone willingly, or that I wanted to kill. If someone ever died at my hands, I never actually saw it happening. I never aim my gun at anyone. I would just shoot and maybe hit someone."
Niall nods along, "That's admirable." He looks down at his lap. "I don't want to kill either, but if killing means less people die, I'm willing to do it." He shakes his head. "That doesn't make sense when I say it aloud, but in here, it makes sense." He points to his head.
"I get it. In some strange, fucked up way, I get it."
Niall looks up at Harry, meeting his gaze. "I'm sorry for freaking out earlier."
"It's okay. I understand now why you did." Harry sighs again, "I really don't know what we're gonna do when we finish the map. You're right about them wanting you dead. And as much as I say I'll do everything to protect you, once they get the map or we take too long to make it, they will do whatever they can to get at you." Harry sucks in a breath. "And I've been thinking about doing for you what you did for me, but where would you go? You can't go back to your old company, and you'll die out in the woods, or possibly be captured by another one of my companies, and I wouldn't be there to protect you."
Niall leans over so his head is resting on Harry's shoulder. "We could run away together."
"But where would we go? We're right in the middle of a warzone; there's troops everywhere. And even if we were to escape back to a town, we'd probably get roped back into the war again because we have so little money to get out of here. I've only been in this fight for a few months, and you've probably been in for around the same amount of time."
"Hey," Niall calls. Harry moves slightly when Niall lifts his head again. "Optimistic thoughts, yeah? That's what you keep saying to me."
Harry laughs bitterly, "Now I understand why you're so pessimistic all the time; no matter what we do, we're fucked. There's no way out of this."
"Stop it, Harry." Niall demands, pulling Harry to face him. "I know it looks like a mess right now, but we'll figure it out, okay? You keep telling me to take it a day at a time and we'll deal with that when it comes up, but right now, we just live, okay? Don't worry too much about the future; it'll just kill you slowly."
Harry goes silent, thinking over Niall's words. He nods slowly and responds with, "Okay. One day at a time."
Niall nods with a smile, saying, "Just as you always say to me. Optimistic thoughts."
"Optimistic thoughts." Harry answers, and the conversation ends. Niall lays his head back down on Harry's shoulder and kicks at the dirt, burying the maps further into the ground.
But on the inside, Harry is planning something. He doesn't yet know how he's going to do it, but he knows he has to get Niall out of this bunker, and possibly on the good side of his comrades so hopefully, maybe, when this map is finished, he can just be accepted as a new soldier into the company, rather than be killed like any other enemy.