Like a lotus in summer,
You unfurl layer by layer.
With each petal unfolding,
I see why my heart keeps racing.
--- J., 2019
[Thank you to BornToWrite47 for creating this pretty aesthetic. I love it!]
Even after taking a hot shower and bundling herself in layers of thick flannel, Yingyue couldn't stop shaking. Tremors coursed throughout her whole body, an aftershock to all the events that earlier shook her once tranquil world. Getting in bed and pulling the blanket up to her chin, Yingyue once again tried meditation. As a qualified yoga teacher, she should be an ace at this. Most days, it worked. But both her attempts tonight made her feel like a fraud.
Yingyue pinched the bridge of her nose to stem the tears. Every breath she took brought an ache to her chest and aggravated her wound.
When so many things vied for her attention, it was impossible to empty her thoughts.
Something within her changed tonight. When she saw Jihoon falling apart, saw how upset he was, fear for his safety overshadowed all the others. And ironically, because she feared, she grew courage.
But how long could this last?
She'd had private sessions with a psychologist. Before her injury, she regularly practiced yoga and meditation to manage her anxiety. None have been able to help her overcome her irrational fear. Always, the guilt she carried around clouded everything with its insidious presence. Like the smog in winter, it tainted everything it touched polluting what should be beautiful memories.
Tonight's triumph might as well be a fluke.
And then, there was Jihoon.
Even though Yingyue could barely remember the walk home, she'd never forget the way he held her as if she was made of fragile glass. He insisted on bringing her to her room and only left after ensuring she had everything she needed. It made her realize kindness could be dangerous, too. It was even more potent than physical attraction. Because the more time they spent together, the more she depended upon it. Yet obviously, Jihoon wasn't hers to rely on.
He was Leila's.
A series of knocks provided a distraction. When she called for him to come in, the door opened revealing Jihoon dressed in a navy blue button-down pajama set.
"Hey, I brought you some—" Brows wrinkling in concern, Jihoon lengthened his strides. "Yingyue, what's wrong?"
It didn't take long until he, too, was parting the flimsy canopy and sitting on the edge of her bed. After placing the water bottle he was carrying on her bedside table, Jihoon raised his hand as if to cup her face, but his fingers merely danced across her cheeks.
"I-I don't k-know." Yingyue drank all of him in because, despite her earlier musings, she was selfish enough to take what she could. Besides, she distinctly remembered her friend, Yiwen, saying Jihoon was single. Whoever this mystery woman was, she was foolish enough to let him go. Yingyue would worry about her later. "I c-can't s-stop s-shaking."
"Ah, Miss Hu..." With the back of his hand, he painted feather-light strokes up and down her arms. "You really shouldn't have gone after me."
She met his gaze, growing more and more fond of the endearing way he's using her last name. "M-maybe. Bu-but it's d-done."
"It's done," he repeated, scanning her face.
Yingyue didn't know what he was searching for; regardless, she knew exactly what she needed. So, she asked, "Ji-Jihoon?"
"Yes?"
"Will... will you h-hold me for a-a bit? J-just until I f-feel better?"
She caught his eyes widen in surprise. Nevertheless, he nodded in agreement. "Of-of course. Let's see... the doctor said you shouldn't lie on your side. How about I sit behind you?"
"O-okay."
She inched forward to make room.
He removed the pillows behind her and tugged on the comforter.
"Shall I?"
When she nodded, Jihoon slipped behind her and stretched his legs, trapping her between them. Then, he fixed the comforter and carefully wrapped his arms around her waist.
"There we go," he said. "Now try to relax."
Yingyue wiggled a bit until she found a more comfortable position by placing a pillow underneath her right leg. Having eased the pressure on her incision, she leaned against him and closed her eyes. She let his steady breathing guide her own. The contrast between the floral scent of his soap and the hard lines of his body teased her senses. Engulfed in his arms, she let Jihoon take over every space in her mind, leaving no room for any negative thoughts.
His jaw brushing her temple.
His chest against her back.
The length of his thighs bordering her own.
Before long, the cold inhabiting her limbs dissipated warded away by his body heat.
"You've stopped shaking," Jihoon whispered close to her ear. "Feeling better?"
She was, but she also wanted this moment to last a little longer.
"Not yet," she whispered back. "Just a bit more."
"Okay."
Resting her head against the crook of his neck, she savored as much as she could of this stolen moment, not knowing when she'd once again experience something like it. As much as she was capable of living independently on her own, she still craved human contact. To be with another person like this, having someone to hold for comfort, these weren't things she could buy online to be delivered the next day.
"Yingyue?"
"Hmm?"
Yingyue decided she loved his deep, melodic voice.
"May I ask you... something personal?"
"Sure."
She'd say yes to anything right now if only to hear him speak.
"When did your...uh, when did your fear start?"
At the question, tension started making its way back to her body. It's been a while since anyone asked about her condition. The first few months when it started, her friends and relatives poured her with various advice and suggestions. She'd tried almost everything, but when nothing changed, people started giving up. The ones that didn't, she pushed away.
That was still her first instinct: to deflect and put some distance.
But now more than ever, she wanted her life to change. The Qingming Festival was in two months. Last year, she couldn't even go to Chengdu, her parent's home town, to visit their grave. The fact that she couldn't even honor them on that special day of remembrance gutted her. She was determined to change that.
"Yingyue, you don't have to answer---"
"No, I want to. T-t..."
"Take your time."
Nodding, she took a deep breath. "Two years ago, after my parents passed away."
"I see. Yiwen..." He paused for a few seconds as if wondering if he should go on.
To encourage him, she sought the place where his hands entwined over her waist and placed hers over his. "Ask me, please."
"Yiwen— she told me your parents passed away after a car accident. Where you... were you there, too, when it happened?"
Without even realizing it, he went straight to the root of her guilt. Yingyue did her best to tamp down the rising panic that often came with it. Having nurtured her guilt for so long, she knew the process of uprooting it would hurt. Talking about her experience was like picking at the scabs of a wound that hasn't fully healed, but that was the only way. Stiffening her spine, Yingyue forced herself to speak.
"No... but—but I was supposed to be. You see..." She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling. "M-my mother wasn't feeling well. I promised I'd take half the day off s-so I can drive her and my father to the hospital. But something urgent came up. As usual, I blew them off." A derisive laugh followed her statement, leaving a bitter aftertaste. "Next thing I knew, they were gone. I..." She shook her head. "I should have been there. I should have died, too."
In the stillness of the evening, her declaration rang louder than she intended. Yingyue waited for the usual platitudes to come. To her surprise, Jihoon said nothing. He simply turned his palms up and laced his fingers through hers.
Her heart squeezed.
It was exactly what she needed.
More than hearing that it wasn't her fault or that her parents wouldn't like to see her living like this, she just wanted someone to listen. She was grateful he understood.
Eventually, she said, "Guilt is a parasite that slowly eats you from the inside."
"True, but it's been eating at you for so long, you no longer know how to live without it," he replied, his tone rife with an undefined emotion.
It made her wonder.
"Jihoon, is it okay if I ask you something, too?"
There was a long pause before his answer came. "Sure, go ahead."
"Who's... who's Leila?"
"Oh."
Behind her, she felt his chest rise, then slowly fall. Yingyue patiently waited for his answer, hesitant to take her question back. As much as she wanted to be polite, she wanted to know him more.
"She's... she was my... my fiancée."
"I see." Fiancée. Her jaw clenched. She suspected as much, but him voicing it out, stirred up emotions she had no business feeling. "What happened?"
"She... she died."
She died.
So many questions raced through her head, but before she could voice them, Jihoon rushed on to say, "By the way, I'm sorry about the... uh, kiss. I didn't know what I was doing. I... I didn't mean it." His grip on her tightened, perhaps unconsciously. "I mean---"
Yingyue winced, both at the pressure of his hold and the sting of his words. "You were dreaming. There's nothing to it. I get it."
"Also for the way I acted after. I..."
Beneath them, the mattress dipped as he shifted his position. When he let her hands go, Yingyue glanced over her shoulder and found Jihoon rubbing his eyes. He looked utterly exhausted.
It was then she understood.
Just like her, a ghost from his past haunted him, too.
And now, she knew its name.
Laying a hand on Jihoon's wrist, she stilled his movements. "Don't worry about it. Let's get some sleep and forget about this in the morning, okay?"
"Okay."
He met her gaze, the light from her lamp highlighting the flecks of amber in his eyes. Not for the first time, she was mesmerized. The man of her dreams truly was beautiful.
"Are you feeling better?" he asked, tilting his head.
Shaking off her trance, she replied, "Mmhmm, thank you."
"I'm glad."
He smiled, a touch of sadness still lingering in the slight curve of his lips. She desperately wanted to kiss it away, but then she remembered although he resided in her dreams, someone else existed in his. Maybe in the future, if she tried hard enough, she could change that. But for now, Yingyue moved farther away, giving him space.
"Go," she said. "You look tired."
"I'm not. Don't—"
A yawn contradicted his speech.
They both shared a laugh, significantly lightening the mood.
"I guess I'm off to bed," Jihoon said, the twinkle back in his eyes. "But I'm so tired. Maybe I can just stay here?"
"Why not?" she said, only half-joking.
It's not like she'd mind.
As expected, though, Jihoon merely chuckled and shook his head. Yingyue has come to realize that sometimes, he was all bark and no bite.
"Sorry," he said, carefully maneuvering himself out of her bed. "It was another one of my lame jokes. I really should stop them. I already promised you I would."
"I don't mind them," she said softly, contemplating her clasped hands.
It hasn't been long, but she already missed his presence. Having known what it was like to have Jihoon next to her, it feels so empty now that he's gone.
Insane.
She has definitely gone insane.
"You're way too kind," Jihoon was saying.
She looked up and made herself smile. "I'm not. I'm being quite selfish, in fact."
"What do you mean?"
"Nevermind." She shooed him off. "Goodnight, Mr. Kang."
"Now that you've used me, you're so eager to get rid of me?" He grinned, making his way to the door. "Goodnight, Miss Hu. See you—" he paused to check his watch, "in a few hours."
"See you," she replied.
As soon as the door shut, Yingyue sagged against the headboard. Hopefully, today's rollercoaster ride wasn't an indication of how the rest of the year will go. Closing her eyes, she sent off a fervent wish. Dear heavens, if she had to battle ghosts, both his and her own, please grant her better fortune and tons of fortitude.
In fact, if the gods would be so kind, just grant her Kang Jihoon, too.
==========
A/N: Finally, it's done. I hope it's worth the wait. T.T
At this rate, I've edited for so long, I no longer know whether I'm doing the right thing.
Maybe you guys can help by telling me:
1. What did you like best about this chapter?
2. What can be improved?