"Can you explain which plant alkaloids you use for trance?"
"I've about had it with you, Caleb!" I cut, irritably leaving the state of melancholic pondering. "Do you ever get tired of going on about the same thing over and over? You have a set procedure on how to expel evil based on centuries of practice and tradition, so get on with it and stop asking stupid questions."
The priest furrowed his brows, clicked his tongue and spread his arms. His numerous rings glimmered in the bright light of the lamp that hasn't turned off once since I ended up here.
"My good friend, Raul," The restless priest gave a respectful nod to father, "said that you misunderstand who I am. You think I'm a magician, an exorcist but I'm not like that. There are a lot of frauds and scammers these days and I could be earning thousands if I wanted, but the only thing I want is the truth. To cure a disease you have to diagnose it. For that, you need to fully understand the symptoms and how and where they come from. That's why what I'm learning is very important!"
"Or you can just go onto any occult website, or better yet, just Google 'astral', 'dark magic', and so on, and you will receive a plethora of resources." I impatiently muttered. "So why do you have to cling to me?"
"I tried many times." Caleb shook his head.
"And? What did the almighty Google say?"
"Nothing useful. I'm also interested in general information about out-of-body experiences and lucid dreaming, because it's like a bunch of people bumping into each other in a hallway and being happy just from that when they should be looking for doors to open. I often looked for guides but every time they ended up being anywhere from plain stupid to plain crazy."
"Keep looking then."
"Maybe you can help? You are very interesting, Johan. And very very needed! I understand that people in the hallway can only go through doors if there is an occult being helping them. But it doesn't just randomly help them; it climbs inside their body in return. And even then the person doesn't remember what's behind the door, so what's the point? But I know you remember; that's very valuable. But you don't want to tell me, why? It's important!"
"Caleb, there are things that you wouldn't want to ever tell anybody. Imagine if you liked fucking chickens..."
"Me? Do that? Why chickens? How..."
"Stop screaming, it's just an example, understand?"
"What a dumb example! I never even thought that someone could do that to a poor..."
"Well have fun picturing that in your bed tonight." I interrupted impatiently. "Just listen to me for a second. Therefore, you enjoyed raping chickens but one day you got caught and punished. Then you confessed to the animal protection services and stopped for good. But here's the question: would you go around telling everyone how amazing it felt when..."
"I got it; the chicken is just an allegory, right? You don't want to tell me the truth because you felt guilty about enjoying doing something bad."
"Something like that. It's also so that I don't remember the pleasant details and give in to temptation."
"The struggle with temptation is always present in the lives of holy people!" Caleb exclaimed. "You have to fight and overcome it! That's how your spirit is tested!"
"So, you still want to attempt it?" I asked insinuatingly.
"Definitely. But without ridicule and stuff! I know what you want to do; I know you want to talk about chicken now, about greasy, about dead, about frozen and offer different options because you live to talk about nothing. But I'm an investigator and want to investigate your 'path to self-destruction' because I have a strong spirit! I can do it but I still need the details like where to go, what to do and so on. Do you believe me?"
"Let's say that I do."
"Help me!"
"Are you sure?"
"Of course!"
"The training will be rough, tedious and will require you to develop numerous skills."
"I'm so ready!" Caleb began jumping in his seat like a child that just got told he's going to Disneyland. I clapped my hands and solemnly proclaimed:
"Alright, you convinced me. In that case, I recommend you play a couple of excellent video games. I guarantee that with strong perseverance you would be able to take down any demon, even Manus, Father of the Abyss, after only a couple of years. Don't forget about stats like strength or intelligence. And hatred towards curry, too, while you're at it."
I wanted to go on but just couldn't stop myself from giggling at the small priest's expression of utter dejection.
"Look who's pleased with himself." Father commented but I decided to just let that little remark slide.
The room fell silent. Caleb grumpily fidgeted on the chair, looking off to the side. Today he was dressed head to toe in brown: his caramel shirt almost blended with his skin and his suede suit completely matched his shoes. Looks like he decided to dress up after I asked him what gypsy tribe he came from. From eye cancer to formal terracotta? Well-well... I'll have to break it to him that now he looks like a piece of excrement. He-he.
It didn't even take thirty minutes for Caleb to start another discussion. He even brought tea and chocolate chip cookies, which were warm, soft and chewy yet still crunchy on the outside. I sincerely wished for Johan to eat nothing but bread and water for the rest of his life as I had to severely restrain myself simply because he did not like sweets! So I just tried not to choke on the saliva waterfall in my mouth while convincing Caleb that all of his investigations were utter nonsense since all of them could be attributed to mental illness or drugs. He actively argued otherwise, describing physical evidence of paranormal activity in between polite sips and crunchy bites.
"Even Raul here has witnessed paranormal occurrences with you." He mentioned. "Am I wrong?"
Father bit his lip and hesitantly responded:
"Caleb, my friend, if I may be honest with you, I nearly shot my pants when I saw the chandelier fly around me like that. And those poor fish... one second they're fine, the other they resemble gory sashimi."
This revelation piqued my curiosity but Johan's memory refused to let me access any information regarding these events. This wasn't the first time my query ran into a mental barrier that I had to break through. However, I wasn't really in the mood for that at this moment.
"All this proves is how contagious a crazy idea can be if it's consistent, self-sufficient and indisputable." I explained, saying a silent goodbye to the last cookie. "And you should be quite informed on that front, Caleb, since you are a firm believer."
"How could you compare faith with madness!" The priest angrily exclaimed.
"According to the wisdom of the internet, if one person believes in an imaginary friend that he has frequent and deep conversations with, they are considered mentally ill. However, if a number of people believe in that same imaginary friend then it's called a religion and it gives them the right to belittle and even kill the non-believers. "
"Only people who are stupid or uneducated view religion like that." Caleb shook his head. "You appear intelligent yet still say that? Is that what you truly believe in?"
"Madness has long since left me, so I don't believe in anything. However, I do suspect that our universe is but a shadow of divinity, cast by the First Light, where every fraction of a moment is a mirror with a myriad of reflections and each of those reflections is true as they are a part of the greater truth. Concurrently, the mirror is also but a lie as the truth changes faster than time itself and verum plus uno esse non potent! I'll translate it just for you, Caleb: there can only ever exist one truth."
"So, in a way, you're acknowledging the concept of divinity?" He asked.
"Indeed. But... what if this so-called 'God' is but a little girl blowing bubbles on a sunny day? Imagine, padre, how thousands of new universes are born, expand and burst on the whim of a bored child who doesn't even realise what it creates, to whom we don't even exist! But if we don't exist in the mind of a God, then the God might as well not exist in our minds, for how do we reach the unreachable during that small time period when the bubble still floats in the air? And does this even matter to us, non-existent creations of a non-existent creator?"
"You poor, poor child." The priest lowered his head. "I didn't even think it went that deep. So you really believe that..."
"No." I bluntly interrupted.
"What do you mean, 'no'?" Caleb's eyes widened in surprise.
"I don't believe, not in that and not in anything. And I don't recommend it, the whole faith fiasco."
"It's impossible to have a proper conversation with him." He complained, turning his languid gaze towards father. "He's a very confusing person who makes fun of..."
"I'm not making fun of you, I'm analysising... damn it, Caleb, your accent is rubbing off on me... analysing. If you don't like the girl, I can make another example. How about a flea..."
"I hate the flea even more..." Caleb replied with a pitiful tone.
"Quiet! Sit still, I haven't given the command to 'speak' yet! So, the flea is jumping across the fresco of the Sistine Chapel. It views the colourful paintings as galaxies, supernovae, nebulae, constellations..."
"Quasars," Father unexpectedly chimed in. "black holes, white holes..."
"Thanks for contributing absolutely nothing, dad. So, my little Indian pal, could the flea possibly comprehend the greatness and concept behind Michelangelo's frescoes, and what would it believe in?"
"So the flea is a metaphor for a human?" Caleb practically whimpered.
"Quite a reach." Father butted in again. "Doesn't quite fit the scale."
"I know, I know. Bacterium maybe?"
"Still too large."
"You have something else in mind?"
"Virus." He answered, making a deep sigh when a ball flew past the socket and landed on the floor.
"A virus crawling across the Sistine Chapel?" I asked rhetorically. "Quite the imagination you got there, pops. Like a Hollywood producer."
"Not a single virus; billions. We are still talking about humanity, aren't we?"
"Alright, billions of viruses crawling across the painting." I winced. "What was even the point of our discussion?"
"What the virus-people should believe in!" Caleb readily answered.
"This discussion is tiresome and pointless... haven't you had enough already? Believe in whatever the hell you want, be it a holy cow, the sun, a holy sun cow... the problem isn't what people believe in, it's that they aren't satisfied with simply believing and want, even demand that the aforementioned sun cow believe in them, too. This is asking for way too much, it's the element of chaos and a direct violation of the laws of creation."
"That'll do, Caleb." Father's voice suddenly exploded right by me. During my passionate teachings, I completely failed to notice how he came right up to me, his arms crossed.
"Are you convinced?" Caleb asked him.
"Quite. I've heard everything I needed, thank you. Keep an eye on him while I get another chain. Just for extra security; I'm sure you understand."
He then exited the room, leaving me alone with the priest and my dangling jaw.
"Che cazzo stro..." I stopped mid-sentence when my eyes met with Caleb's. A victorious smile spread across his glossy face and I couldn't help but make a sound when I almost but though my lip. The pain turned out to be quite handy; it kept me from going berserk and doing something I would later regret. The scoundrel sitting right in my reach had no clue how close he just came to dying.
And yet he has the nerve to toy with me?
What could I have possibly said that gave me away? Where did I slip up?
Yes, I did shake the philosophical carrot on a stick, but even Johan indulged in those quite often! So where? Who do I blame?
Caleb?
Caleb!
So beware, Caleb, you little rascal!
I have a particular anger for you!