Chapter 30: Night Nineteen/ Day twenty
I think of Mason laughing, telling jokes and protecting his cousin. He can't be gone. Any minute now he'll come bursting through the woods and calm Alexis down. Ever since we came back to the camp, she has been jittery and pedantic. She can't stop pacing around the camp.
"How many people are left?" Luca says.
"April, Cleo, Antonio and us. I think that's it" I say. "If anyone else is still alive, they're keeping their head down".
"You're probably right" Luca says. "Any chance they'll simultaneously destroy each other?"
"Then it would just be us three left and then what, Luca?" Alexis says.
"That won't happen" I interject.
"What if it does?" Alexis persists.
"Well, the Capitol can't make us do anything" Luca says.
"Haven't they already? They've already dragged us away from our families, pampered us up and forced us to kill our peers. We're basically the capitol's puppets, so yeah, I think they can force us to do whatever they want" I say.
I should feel terror, but all I feel is relief the poisonous thoughts that burned inside me. The truth will no longer suffocate me. Luca and Alexis stare at me as if I just started speaking in tongues. They knew what I said was true, but to hear the words spoken was lie acknowledging that fact. It's like accepting a tragic fate.
"Willow has a good point" Alexis says. "I don't want to kill people who I regard as friends. That's why I'm leavin".
"Are you crazy? You don't have any weapons" Luca exclaimed.
"I'll find some. I'll get by" Alexis insists.
"I know you're upset about Mason's death but there is no need to make rash decisions. Take a night to think about it" I say.
"This isn't something I just decided. I've thought about it for a while now. I know I'll be much safer with you guys, but I gotta do this on my own".
"No offence but you don't have a chance against those maniacs. Not yourself" I say.
"Exactly. That's why I'm not gonna win. The only reason I've come this far is because Mason and you guys were with me the whole time".
I can't deny it because it's the truth and this is no time for dishonesty. No matter how hard I try I can't think of any more persuasive arguments. Neither can Luca it seems. We have no choice but to bid farewell to our friend.
Alexis begins to take small steady but steady steps away from us.
"I hope one of you guys wins. You both deserve it so much" Alexis says, tears brimming.
My eyes start to glisten. This might be the last time I see Alexis. She'll be out there alone and completely helpless...
"Wait" I say fishing the knife out of my pocket. "Take this. You'll need it".
"I can't take this".
"But I'm giving it to you" I say.
"And I'm giving it back. Take care" Alexis says, and then hurries off.
That night I can't sleep, thinking about Mason and Alexis. How under any other circumstances I would have considered them friends - and I just let them slip through my fingertips. To top that off, the temperature seems to have plummeted into the minuses. Luca stirs beside me. All night I thought about waking him. I just want to talk to him. To hear the sound of his voice. I know that's selfish, because we both need our sleep. But if this really is one of my last few nights alive, I don't want to spend it wishing and regretting. I've learned we have to make things happen for ourselves and we can't always rely on others. But also, we need others to rely on. People who don't have anybody turn out spiteful and cold, like April.
I can't count the times Luca has been there for me and in turn I've been there for him. It was the only thing getting me through those lonely night. The possibility of seeing my best friend alive again. I let him get away once, I'm not going to let that happen again.
"Are you awake" I whisper.
"Yeah, are you?" he replies.
"No. I'm talking in my sleep. Of course I'm awake, you dumbass" I whisper back.
It was too dark to see anything, but I'm pretty sure Luca turned around to face me. His sleeping bag rustled against the tent. I was afraid someone would find us at any moment. Cleo, Antonio, or god forbid April. But the silence endured.
"Just checking. You do talk in your sleep though" he laughed and turned around.
"What do I say?" I ask.
"I don't know. A lot of mumbling. You said my name. Twice".
For once I'm glad it's dark, because my face reddened.
"Shut up. I did not" I say, shoving him playfully.
Luca laughed.
"I'm only trying to lighten the mood. In case you haven't noticed, the hunger games is pretty depressing" he says.
"Really? I thought it would be one big party".
"It probably is for those maniacs".
"Whose next target will be us?" I say.
"And we'll defeat them, we're a team" Luca says.
"They're very good at killing people" I reply.
"Have you actually seen Cleo and Antonio kill anyone?"
I think about it. It shocks me but I don't think I have.
"No, but I don't doubt they would. They stabbed Alexis" Luca says.
"In the shoulder. I don't think they mean to kill her".
"They were pretty close to killing me" I say.
"But they didn't. Remember how reluctant Antonio was?"
My anger flares up.
"Are you defending them?"
"Of course not" Luca exclaimed. "I'm just saying that they might not be as ruthless as they claim to be".
"April is still the same crazy girl she always was" I say.
"She might be problematic" Luca says. "Whatever happens, just promise me you will win".
I could promise to try, but it would feel like a lie.
"Luca we've been through this. I don't want to live if it means taking your place. I'd hate myself" I say.
He took a deep breath.
"You wouldn't be winning instead of me. You would be winning for me. If living the rest of your life isn't a good enough reason to win then win because I asked you to. Because it's my last request".
I would've laughed at his little speech if he didn't sound so sincere. There is a defeated sadness in his voice that makes my heart ache. It makes me want to hug him and tell him everything will be okay. But I know it won't. Plus it was too cramped to move over without rustling the tent. I can't hug him, so I do the next big thing. I kiss him. Not a sisterly peck on the cheek. But a real one, on the lips.
And a miracle happened. He didn't pull away in disgust. He kissed me back. Strange sensations awaken inside me and it's like I've been half awake all my life but I now see. What really matters. What really doesn't. I'm climbing higher and higher on the mountain of euphoria. But with one little cynical whisper and I fall short. Then suddenly I'm crashing back down to Earth. The truth which set me free also keeps me caged.
When I wake the next morning, there is only one coherent thought on my mind. Winning is not an option. Not if I have to give up someone I care about so fiercely it hurts. And also, why is it so cold all of a sudden? I want to investigate the morning air but Luca's arm was wrapped around me so tight, it was as if he wasn't prepared to let me go. I detach myself from Luca and peek out the tent. to my surprise, the whole arena is covered in a blanket of snow. There is still some sprinkles of snow falling to earth.
"It's snowing" I cried.
Luca stirs but does not waken.
"Luca" I shout.
He finally wakens and joins me outside the tent. His eyes blink slowly as if he were really tired. It is endearing in a way or maybe I was just being biased. A familiar scream cuts through my thoughts. Our eyes meet in a silent understanding. Because we both know who that scream came from.
We run in the direction of the screams only to find the arena has changed dramatically. The trees have been stripped bare and the leaves are nowhere to be seen. The ground is covered in a thick white layer of snow. I didn't expect the snow to be pure white. In District 12, the snow is normally followed by rain, which turns the snow into grey sludge. The Gamemakers have somehow made the arena so cold that icicles hang from the trees. It never fails to amaze me how much technology the capitol has.
Luca seems to be in as much awe as I am. Unlike Alexis, who barges through the trees with a look of absolute terror.
"Bears" she screams.
I didn't see any evidence of bears but I wasn't willing to take the chance. Alexis runs in other direction and we follow her. It occurs to me that Alexis didn't have to come back and warn us. She did it out of the goodness of her heart. I just wish I had time to thank her before a loud thump behind us. The shock forces us to stop and turn around. A giant grizzly bear stands before us. Another scream from Alexis alerts me and I spring into action. I grab Luca with one arm and Alexis with the other. Together we hurtle our way to the cornucopia.
It isn't so easy getting to the cornucopia since there is a huge metal wall surrounding it. The wall that could protect us, is also preventing us from getting to safety. I jump and grab the edge of the wall and push up. Luca isn't far behind me. We sit on the wall and extend our hand towards Alexis. She reaches out. She is barely a fingertip away. A bear grabs Alexis and slashes at her. More grizzlies advance on her. I slid off the wall as one of the greatest friends I ever had is torn apart by bears.
I wish I could say that my absolute devastation watered down the scene before me. That the heaviness in my chest made it seem unimportant. The arena was covered in ice or my worst nightmares were all circling the cornucopia. It didn't. All my fear, grief, even acceptance of my own death is washed out by anger. The Gamemakers planned this. Planned the most epic showdown in television history.