"There's no need to look so shocked, Aria. It's perfectly normal for soldiers to make their first kill when they are in their teens," Lucian says as he takes in my horrified expression.
Teens? A twelve year old child was barely old enough to be considered a teenager. I couldn't imagine killing anyone at such a young age. But then again I never imagined I would be here at the edge of Pluto after surviving two gruesome fights and the death of a human caused by me.
"So young--How?" I stutter, unsure where my voice has gone. How can he live with himself after doing such a thing?
"It was my first expedition and my initiation was to punish a slave trader in one of our colonized planets. He was smuggling in ammunition to be used against us but one of our spies caught him before he could sell them to the rebels who lived there. The punishment for aiding a rebellion is death and I had to do it as my initiation into the army," He explains.
"You joined the army when you were twelve?" I stare at him with wide eyes.
"Yes, it was a requirement for Lazarus and I. Luna joined when she was sixteen like everyone else."
"But don't you think that's too young. I mean how did you even do it?" I wondered out loud and Lucian stared at me looking deep in thought.
"I didn't think about it. I just did it because it was what was expected of me," His stark blue eyes bore into mine and I can see the uncertainty in them. "I thought it was normal but I guess it never felt normal."
He sighs and gets up from the ledge and then walks to one of the walls in the cave we are in. I get up as well and follow him to see what he is looking at.
We both stare at the dull grayish-blue color of the walls and some movement within the stone catches my eye. Feeling curious I lean in and notice what looks like millions of orange dots gliding against each other underneath the hard rock.
I put my hand on the wall and they disperse outwards, away from my hand like an explosion.
"These are Tessniens, minute microorganisms. Only the adults are visible to the naked eye. They're offspring are said to be the size of protons. They are found in abundance all over our planet and all the drilling the miners do destroys the stones and kills millions of them," Lucian leans against the wall and I watch the Tessnien's swarm away from his shoulder.
"I've never seen them before," I admit even though I have spent most of my time here working in the mines in the South.
"And yet you have killed thousands of them," He says and I shoot him a look.
"You never felt guilty because you couldn't see them and you didn't know they existed. But what is the difference between the life of a Tessnien and that of a human? Or the slave driver I killed? They were all life forms and yet we feel guilty about killing one but not the other?" Lucian questions me and throws me off for a second.
"But it's different. I saw him die right in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. I watched his neck snap--," I close my eyes and shudder just thinking about it. "But of course I feel bad now about killing these organisms as well."
"But did you ever lose any sleep over them?" Lucian challenges me and for some reason it makes me feel angry.
"I didn't know," I frown at him.
"It's normal to react the way you are, Aria," My name rolls off his tongue and I feel like he is mocking me.
"So what you're trying to say is I shouldn't care about killing someone because I have already killed so many other creatures that I couldn't see and didn't know about? Well then should I go on a rampage and kill everyone I hate?" I snap and he smiles at me in amusement.
"That depends on who you hate."
I sigh and lean against the wall as well but oddly enough Lucian has me thinking about the Tessnien's and Michael more than I would like to admit.
"So you don't feel bad about killing that slave driver because you have killed Tessnien's since you were born?" I ask trying to understand him.
"Thousands of years ago our scientists were able to study the compositions of a proton by manipulating its dimensions. As they altered its dimensions to a higher level they found life forms inside. Meaning every particle we step on or touch, displaces millions of life forms, possibly killing them in the process."
"So you're trying to say I shouldn't feel guilty because aside from killing Michael, I have killed millions of Tessniens and millions of other things?" I stare at him incredulously.
"It is Plutonian philosophy to believe that if we can be as big as we are to a Tessnien, who's to say we aren't the size of Tessnien's to something else. Or our whole universe could be wrapped up in one little proton. Imagine how small and insignificant that makes us," Lucian raises his hands in the air and gestures all around us.
"Do you really believe so?" I ask as I touch the smooth surface wondering if I am killing any life forms by doing so. I suppose in a way what Lucian says does make me feel better.
"Every finding and study has been proven and kept in our archives before we had to come here. I can show you everything," He says.
"But don't you think that philosophy is rather biased or one track minded? We may be tiny objects to beings in another dimension but we are also enormous to whatever lives in a proton. Which means you may think you have killed something so insignificant but maybe you have killed something so enormous it could fit hundreds of universes in it," I challenge him back and he smiles sadly.
"You agree with me, don't you?" I smile in triumph but immediately feel guilty when I see Lucian sink to the floor and rub his tired eyes.
"I have dissociative sleep disorder, a form of post traumatic stress disorder," He admits reluctantly. "At least I think that is what I have. It's weird because I only have symptoms when I sleep and not all the time. We don't have psychiatrists here like they do on Earth. We are supposed to be genetically superior so I shouldn't even have this problem."
Psychiatrist? Dissociative sleep disorder? I don't understand what he is saying.
"You have nightmares?" I ask and he frowns into his hands.
"I dream about all the kills I have done. Over and over again. Only I am the one being punished or the one giving the order. Sometimes I feel like I am half awake because I can hear movement and your voice but I still can't get out of the nightmare," He says as he looks at the wounds on his forearms. "I don't know why I feel guilt. They were in the wrong and I know it. It isn't Plutonian to feel this weak, to feel this--."
"Human?" I cut him off and he shoots me a small smile.
"I didn't mean to insult you," He says.
"You didn't," I admit. "I personally don't think the guilt makes you look weak. In fact I think it makes you stronger than anyone I've ever met."
His eyes widen in surprise at my words. "You really mean that?"
I nod my head and feel my heart swirl in my chest as I look at his vulnerable expression. He really is unlike any Plutonian I've ever interacted with.
"You saw my first kill. I want to know about yours," I ask earnestly, not wanting to lose this moment of honesty with him.
"You didn't kill him, Aria," Lucian shakes his head and I agree. After what he has admitted to, I don't feel I have the right to feel bad right now.
Lucian tells me about the alien slave driver he killed with a long skin shearing sword. His superiors wanted his first kill to be personal so he executed him with a sword unlike their usual laser emitting guns. He told me he remembered how its green skin had split open and dark putrid liquid poured out slowly as it gurgled a sound that never left his ears.
He then told me about his second kill when he was fourteen on an expedition. He had shot a red eyed hybrid raven right between the eyes. I watched his eyes close in sadness and his hands were shaking when he finally stopped describing his first few kills.
He placed his shaking hands in his lap and I found myself wanting to hold them because he looked so fragile. But I don't dare to because even though he had just admitted something so personal to me, there is a barrier between us I knew I would never cross.
I lean my head against the wall and Tessnien's and stare ahead at nothing in particular.
We both sit in silence and after a while Lucian speaks. "I guess we should head home."
I nod my head and follow him to his rider.
Once we reach his room, we both get ready for bed and I yawn loudly once I see the bed. I look at the clock in Lucian's room and realize that we have been out for hours.
"I hope you feel better," Lucian says as he tucks himself under the blankets. He then handcuffs himself to the bed and lies down trying to make himself comfortable.
"I do actually. A little," I admit in surprise. "I hope you do too."
I tuck myself into bed and feel myself relax under the soft sheets.
I don't realize when I fall asleep but I wake up as the bed shakes around me. I look at Lucian and see him shaking slightly, though not as violent as he usually does.
"It's okay, Lucian. It's not real," I say and he stops moving. I see his wet cheeks as he suddenly jerks violently, trying to free himself from the handcuffs.
"No, please don't," He begs and I do the craziest thing without thinking.
I reach out towards him and grab his hands in mine. He nearly punches me but I dodge him quickly and shout at him.
"It's not real! You are a good person, Lucian!"
I fall back and thank my lucky stars that he is handcuffed. I get up to get the sleep serum but then the most unexpected thing happens.
Lucian stops struggling and he falls back down into his pillow. And then he sleeps soundlessly for the rest of the night.
Heyy, hope you enjoyed the chapter and the Lucian-Aria interaction. Please let me know your thoughts below :)