Sitting by the dining table with my mum opposite me and my older sister beside me, I decide to discuss about my plans for college with them. I'm nervous and hesitant to bring up this topic, as I just mended my relationship with my mum and she no longer yells at me for playing on my guitar or singing. I'm slowly gaining more courage to sing, even though I'm cautious and quiet whenever I sing and play music. I'm still afraid of my mum's judgement. I hope she'll continue supporting me and I hope bringing college up won't destroy the relationship the both of us tried so hard to fix.
"Mum," I begin to say and take in a deep breath as my sister squeezes my hand to show she supports me. "I'm graduating high school this year, so I... I think we should talk about my future and college."
My mum takes in a deep breath, "Right... I almost forgot that you were graduating soon... so what is your plan?"
"I... um... I'm thinking of taking a gap year..." I say and my mum nods. "I'm thinking of doing an internship or something.... at a music industry..."
I'm extremely nervous when I say the last part and I don't dare to look up to see my mum's reaction, so I keep my head low and fiddle with my fingers anxiously.
"Mum..." my sister says gently. "Please say something... say you'll support Luna?"
"I... I can't Mina..." my says with a hint of sadness in her voice. "I'm sorry Luna, but you know that I won't allow you to study music or be an intern at a music industry. You know I'm against you having a career that revolves around music."
"But why mum?" Mina says as I keep quiet and look down at my feet. "What's wrong with Luna doing music as a career? I know you want her to be a lawyer like me and I know that it's hard to be successful in the music industry, but being a successful lawyer is hard too."
"I know that... I know it's hard to be successful for either career, but being a well-known lawyer is better than being a well-known musician," my mum says. "Lawyers are respected more and are more professional, and it's a proper job."
"I'm sorry, mum, but I'm not going to be a lawyer," I stand up and say as I look into my mum's eyes. "I want to do something that I love and makes me happy. I want to do music. Don't you want that for me? Don't you want me to be happy? Don't you think I deserve to be happy?"
"Luna... please understand that being in the music industry won't bring you happiness..." she continues to persuade me.
"And how would you know that?" I ask and cross my arms over my chest.
"Before I met your dad... I dated a guy who was a songwriter," she says with sad eyes as she looks at me. "But he failed. Music companies wouldn't accept his songs, even though his family, friends and I thought they were brilliant. I loved his songs. He tried so hard and worked for hours on his songs, but the companies just thought he wasn't good enough..."
"I'm not him, mum," I say. "Things might be different for me."
"That's true, darling. But, I don't want you to follow his path..." she says and tears begin to trickle down her cheeks. "Because of his failure, he committed suicide... he was so upset because he was rejected by so many music companies. He thought he wasn't good enough. He thought that there was no meaning in his life if his songs couldn't be presented to the public. He devoted so much of his time to songwriting and poured his heart out in his songs..."
My breathing becomes heavy as I glare at my mum. I'm frustrated by her. I understand that she doesn't want me to go down the same path as her ex-boyfriend, but I am already on that path because of her. I've drowned in depression and even tried to kill myself once because she wouldn't allow me to play music, so how dare she forbid me from doing music because she doesn't want me to be harmed by the harshness in the music industry. When she is the one who's harming me right now.
I chortle and scoff, "You don't want me to end up in the same way he did, yet I've already experienced having a broken heart and wanting to hurt myself. I poured my heart out in music, but you wouldn't allow me to have a career in the music industry. Can't you see, I'm basically in the same position your ex-boyfriend was in, the only difference is that it's you that's rejecting me and not the music industry. You're being such a hypocrite."
My sister holds onto my arm as I begin to tremble and tears stream down my face. I'm angered by my mum and her actions. Why can't she just understand that she's not doing something for my good, but instead she's breaking me apart? She's forbidding me for doing something I'm passionate about. She's treating me in the same way the music companies treated her ex-boyfriend. She's driving me to my breaking point.
My fists are clenched and I feel as if I'm just going to fall to the ground crying. I want Taehyung to be by my side right now. I want to travel back in time and go back to being with him on the Ferris Wheel this afternoon. I want him to hold me in his arms and tell me that if I want to do music, then I will and no one can stop me from pursuing my dreams.
"Mum..." my sister says softly. "Please... you and Luna just made up and we were happy. Don't you remember the tea party we had? Don't you remember how fun that was? Luna even forgave you for your past actions... which you're now repeating. Do you really want to lose your daughter just because you simply don't want her to do music? You're not doing her any good by preventing her from studying music, you're just destroying the relationship you have with her."
My mum sighs and she brushes away her tears as she looks at me dead in the eye seriously, "No means no, Luna. I'm not going to repeat myself. You are not going to have any connection to the music industry. Nothing will change my mind."
My vision is blurred from the hot tears that uncontrollably stream down my face. My heart feels heavy and I'm filled with hate for my mum. I regret forgiving her and I regret trying to mend our relationship when she just destroyed it once again. I just want to scream. I want to run away, but I'm too angry at her to just do that. Not only am I angry, but I'm pained. It feels as though the old wound she and dad caused is slowly ripping apart again. It feels like I've been stabbed. I'm hurt by her words. I'm hurt that she just jeopardised our relationship just because she doesn't approve of me to have a future in the music industry.
Too much has happened this past few days that I'm not thinking straight as I storm to the kitchen and grab the kitchen knife that's laying on the counter of the table. Mina quickly hurries over to me as soon as she sees the knife in my hand.
I feel pain everywhere in my body. Pain from my parents who hated the fact that I'm passionate about music; pain from their arguments; pain from my dad who stupidly destroyed our family because he no longer loved mum; pain from Hera and her friends who mocked me just because I had a 'problem' family; pain from my parents divorce and my wrecked childhood; pain from Aurora who broke our friendship because she has feelings for Taehyung; pain from both Hera and Aurora saying that Taehyung is just treating me as a fling or rebound to fix his broken heart. There's so much pain, I just want it to all end. I want to finally live in peace.
"Luna..." my sister says to me gently and cautiously. "Please... put down the knife... please? Don't do anything stupid and put it down, okay?"
"No!" I yell and point the knife at her as she attempts to come closer to me.
"Luna, please," my mum begs as tears trickle down her face.
I'm even more angered as she begs me to put down the knife. I clench onto it tighter and put the edge by my arm. I feel the cool metal brush against my warm skin and I'm tempted to slide it across my skin as my sister looks as if she's going to take a step forward towards me.
"Don't come any closer," I warn. "Or I'll cut myself."
"Please don't..." my sister pleads as tears form in her eyes. "Please... think about Rae-na... and Taehyung. He lost his ex-girlfriend already, he can't lose you too. He wouldn't be able to bear the pain."
"I can't bear the pain either and do you think I want to do this?," I say as I bawl my eyes out. "I just want to escape from the pain. I just want it to end... I can't bear it anymore... it feels as though I'm breaking apart and I'm shattering."
My sister takes a step closer to me and I take a step back and dig the knife deeper into my skin and blood is drawn. It slowly trickles down my arm, but I don't feel the pain. All I feel is the pain in my heart. My head is pounding and my heart is drumming loudly in my chest as my breathing quickens.
The tears fall from my sister's eyes as her lips quiver as she goes down on her knees and begs me to put down the knife, "Luna... please... please..."
My mum goes down on her knees beside Luna as she sobs, "Luna... I'm sorry... please just put down the knife... listen to me please..."
"No," I say firmly and dig the sharp metal deeper into my skin so more blood drips down my fingertips and onto the kitchen tiles. The red liquid doesn't faze me though as I'm too emotionally hurt to feel the physical pain I'm inflicting on myself. "Why should I?"
My mum takes a deep breath and relents, "Fine... fine... I won't stop you from doing music... I'll let you study music in college and I'll let you intern at the music industry... you can do whatever you want..."
I slowly release my grip on the knife and it drops onto the floor with a clang. My sister heaves a sigh of relief as she immediately stands up and wraps her arms around me and weeps onto my shoulder.
"You promised me you wouldn't hurt yourself anymore..." she mummers within sniffles. "Let's take a look at that nasty cut on your arm shall we?"
I push her away from me and storm out the kitchen and out the house. I slam the door shut and run to Taehyung's apartment as fast as I can. I don't care if the blood is still dripping down my arm and I don't care if tears are streaming down my face and I don't care if my feet hurt from running. I just need to get to him. I need to see him and be in his arms. I need him to comfort me because he is the only one who can make me feel better. The only one who makes me feel truly loved. I don't care about anything else as I keep running until I reach his apartment and am standing in front of his door and ringing the doorbell.
As soon as he opens the door, I collapse into him and wrap my arms around his neck tightly as the tears continue to fall and the blood continues to drip down my arm.
He must be in shock by my sudden appearance and I know that he must be completely clueless as to what is happening, but nothing matters at the moment as I hold onto him and he holds onto me.