You couldn't sleep.
After finding the gun and remembering fragments of memories, you were only more confused than before. Millions of questions ran through your mind as only one was constantly agonizingly repeated.
What did I do?
From what you could remember now, there wasn't a reason for your first encounter with Akutagawa to be so sour, nor for Kyouka to be so desperate to stop you from going wherever you had gone in the other memory you had recovered. However, also from those fragments, you had learned one fact that was now very clear to you.
I was part of the Port Mafia.
Along with all those facts, feelings started to rush on to you that you couldn't explain. Other than a sisterly care for Kyouka, which you could easily connect, your heart was starting to feel a pang of guilt at the mere thought of Akutagawa. Whatever happened, it had hurt you and him, but more than that, it made you long for something that you couldn't recognize.
Who was I? What were we?
You close your eyes, focusing on the soft mattress under you, the silence of living alone surrounding you, but you only feel empty.
Sleeping was no longer an option.
•••
You arrived at the agency extremely early, and as soon as you did, you searched the whole office for the files you knew they had somewhere on you. For any organization, it could only be normal to be up to date with your employees, and knowing that, you knew you had to find your file to answer your questions. Except...you couldn't remember where it could be.
An hour later, it wasn't long before you sensed someone at the door watching you with amusement.
"[f/n]...don't you know it's wrong to test the agency's trust like this?" Dazai says from the back teasingly, holding in his hands a beige folder and waving it gently, which you could only assume meant that in there were your papers.
"Besides, you know you're supposed to take things slow. Didn't Atsushi assure he'd help you out? You'll hurt his feelings.." he adds in a singsong way that made you wonder if he was just enjoying watching you run around like a headless chicken.
This was not the man that greeted you at the hospital, his happy-go-lucky facade seemed to waver as you recognized something darker in the way he taunted you. Still, the more you remembered and pieces together, the greater your confidence, and right now you had just enough to play along.
"One thing is taking things slow, but another is withholding information as important as my name." You start, straightening out your clothing before smiling at Dazai without a kindness behind them.
"What do you mean?"
"I was Port Mafia, and that changes everything."
"Oh? You figured it out, huh...did you know I was too? And Kyouka...and still everyone here cares so much!"
I'm not surprised.
You move closer to Dazai, a man that couldn't be over a year or two older than you currently were. His brown eyes glint with playful manipulation, and his brown hair adds a shadow of mystery to his intentions.
"You want to tell me everything don't you? Or else you wouldn't be here with the answers. You wouldn't be here practically holding my memories." You insist, leaning into him, eyeing the folder.
"You just want to know your faults."
Hearing Dazai say that, you back away slightly, a voice in your head struggling to tell you something.
"Have you wondered why people like Atsushi want to introduce your past to you again slowly? He cares that much about you." Dazai continues, pushing the folder further away from your reach. "But you've never cared the same way. I've watched you suffer for over a week now with who you are and what you've done, and I think that's because they're reminding you of the wrong things. You were in an accident and you can't even tell me why. You met Akutagawa and I can only imagine his anger. You don't know the reason behind any memory, [f/n]. You might think I'm playing only games with you right now, but you've played just as many in the past. Akutagawa was the queen on your chess board, and you were the king that would stop at nothing to win. Except you grew a moral conscience, and now you've lost your memories."
The brunette chuckles at your startled face, and you are left completely dumbfounded at his words. Waking up unsure and slightly insecure, you knew that with every memory you gained a deeper confidence and a stronger personality defined by your determination for answers, but you didn't know that by remembering, you'd be remembering a you that was worth being kept away from. A you Atsushi wanted to protect you from.
A me Dazai thinks is worth exploiting.
"So, do you want to know or not?" Dazai then asks, doing a 180 and dropping whatever his act was and taking you folder without a care, flipping through it in front of you.
Without hesitation, you respond.
"I do."
I don't care about your games.
•••
"You don't seem like someone valuable enough to be sought after by the Port Mafia. Don't waste my time."
"And you don't scare me Akutagawa. You don't hold that power over me."
"We are not equals. Your family was just made of government rats, you will probably die within your first week here."
"You think I'm weak because of my background? Then what were you before the Port Mafia?"
"I don't need your approval. Just one..."
•••
"You don't have to hurt her."
You watch as Akutagawa takes hold of Kyouka threateningly, the poor girl's eyes filled with fear and empty hope turned cold.
"Shut up, [l/n]. She needs to learn how to be useful." Hate seethes from Akutagawa's words, and suddenly, you understand.
"To see someone's strength, play with their mind. Watch them either break or turn your own game against you. You don't have to hurt her, Akutagawa. He didn't have to hurt you."
Akutagawa's eyes widen, reluctantly letting Kyouka go. The young girl then glances at you curiously before returning to the Mafia shadows. Akutagawa on the other hand, turns to you stiffly, placing his hands in his coat pocket, his steely glare going right through you.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Pretend you know everything. Whatever has happened to me is because I deserved it, because I was weak and pitiful, and I'm lucky to be alive right now. I owe my life to Dazai, and all I was was a disappointment."
You were not expecting those words to ever come out of your Partner's mouth, but truthfully you feel nothing but odd satisfaction.
•••
"Akutagawa!!"
Your scream is drowned by the noises of the ability user's explosions, sending your partner flying back against a wall as you struggle to get back up. Worry for him floods through you as you desperately keep your eyes scanning the dirt sent around like a cloud after the impact. If something happened it was your fault, you had tried to change his plan and acted against him when he strayed, all because you wanted to impress the unimpressed.
You wanted to matter, but first you needed to show him you were worth the time.
It was all backfiring...
You had to get to the ability user as quickly as possible to use your own ability to stop him, but with Akutagawa down...
Gun shots are suddenly heard and you gasp, but not at the shots. A sudden flash of black and red appears in front of you, eating away at the bullets thrown in your direction, like a void.
Rashōmon.
Before you can react, Akutagawa's ability stabs through the attacker's body three times, and you watch as the body goes limp and blood pours out in pools.
With a light cough, Akutagawa dusts off his black coat and calls back his Rashōmon, walking towards you without any emotion. The sight of him, though radiating power and elegance, made you sigh with relief and a new admiration, other than surprise that he saved you. You had expected him to point out your clear stupidity as he watched you bleed.
"He wasn't worth any more trouble. I'll tell the boss he's been exterminated and your ability wasn't wasted on a rogue."
Akutagawa pauses and looks you over, an unimpressed look on his face.
"You're bleeding."
"I'm fine."
•••
"Stop acting like you care, [l/n]. It's getting old."
"I do care, I always mean what I say."
"You play with people's heads to get what you want."
"What do I want?"
"A reason to go on. You don't know what to do with your pathetic life."
"..."
"That's why you try so hard isn't it?"
"No."
"Then why do you bother? Your ability isn't one made for combat like mine, yet still you insist on being assigned to missions with me. It's a waste of time."
"Because I admire your strength."
"Haven't I told you before? I don't need your approval. I don't want it."
"..."
•••
Pain erupts from your right leg as Rashōmon leaves a deep gash. You yell and place your hand on the bleeding area, your hands immediately filling with crimson colour.
"You helped her escape. Even if the mafia won't accept it, you deserve to be treated like a traitor." You hear Akutagawa accuse you from a distance, and you had nothing to say to that. He was right, you did help Kyouka avoid the Port Mafia for a while.
"She deserved to be somewhere where she could say she was happy." You decide to defend your actions despite the truth in his words, wincing with every word at the effort of trying to ignore the growing pain.
Akutagawa walks over to you slowly, pulling you up by your coat and forcing you to look at him.
"You went against your superiors - "
"I did. And I would do it again." You interrupt him, keeping the unwavering eye contact.
"You should have left with her."
Akutagawa had said many insulting things to you then surpassed his current words to you, but nothing had ever hurt more than hearing him say that you should have left in this moment. That he didn't care whether you stayed or left, lived or died. It was always a test for you.
"Akutagawa." You breathe in deeply as a spasm goes through your leg muscle, and you feel the blood flow only increase. "I said my purpose behind every kill was you. I have been here for a year now, and you still doubt everything I do. You undermine me, but I still make myself care. I know you aren't heartless, I know there's a person in there. So stop trying to always find a way to blame me for caring. It won't change anything I say, it only hurts. I'm still here because I chose to see it through, and I kill with ease because I won't let you lose more of your humanity alone."
You can't go on, the wound is too deep, but you've said all you need to.
Well...there was one more thing.
"Even if you kill me now..." you use the rest of your strength to take hold of Akutagawa's arm and pull him away from you before you fall down to the floor, your head spinning from the blood loss.
"I'll love who you are because I don't...I don't blame you.."
Though you vision was blurry, you had never seen so much anguish in Akutagawa's silver eyes then now.
There was so much regret, so much blame.
He knew he hurt you more than you deserved, but that was the only way he knew to show that he recognized your strength, that he valued making sure no one else would be able to hurt you the same way.
You were far from helpless, you knew how to stand your ground, but you always seemed sad. He recognized that sadness.
"You are so stupid, [l/n]..." Akutagawa whispers as he bends down and helps you up, taking you to the Port Mafia infirmary.
'I am...for loving you after a year of pain.'