The Reason // Hoobastank
Emerson
I'm pacing outside of Chelsea's front door once again. I know she's back from the wedding because her car is in the driveway. I'm going ape shit out here; all this waiting is making me completely unhinged. I texted Chelsea the second I left the gig with the guys. I've been blowing up her phone for the last two hours trying to get some kind of a response. She finally answered twenty minutes ago that she was leaving the wedding and to meet her at her house. I don't care that it's two in the morning. I need answers. And some fucking help before I lose my shit, even more then I already have.
I still can't get the image of Zoe turning and running away from me out of my head. I keep playing it over and over again. Keep hoping each time somehow it plays out different.
I wanted to go after her, but instead I found myself frozen in place. I had been a mental case the moment she looked at me with those eyes. The moment I realized she knew. She looked at me like I was the worst piece of shit in the world. She ran away from me with tears streaming down her face. Why the hell didn't I chase after her? Because I had been frozen in panic, frozen in guilt. Not sure what to say to make it all go away. Why the hell hadn't I come clean to her about the act Chelsea and I were putting on? Obviously somehow she found out Chelsea was "my girlfriend". And now she thinks I cheated on her like that asshat ex Dylan.
I rub my face and try to get the image of Zoe looking at me like she'd never seen me before, like she no longer knew who I was, out of my damn head. The total irony here is that she's the only person who really does know me. Those song lyrics weren't just words on paper, that was the truth of my heart, my soul. Zoe is the only person on Earth who sees me, and until tonight, the only person who believed in me. And now I've gone and fucked it all up.
After Zoe left, Roger and Josh took off one way in the van, and I drove home in the opposite direction. And once home I washed off the green zombie make-up and changed out of my Vicious clothes, and I just sat on my bed with my head in my hands, trying to figure a way out of this mess.
The only road out is the truth. I know that, it's what I should have done from day one, but now my problem is trying to get Zoe to listen to me. To hear me as I tell her the whole story. And the only way that is going to happen now is with Chelsea's help. But blondie wouldn't text me back until now. And Zoe has probably blocked my number at this point.
I don't know how long I sat on my bed, feeling sorry for myself, feeling like I had hit rock bottom. Of course, the music didn't help. Listening to music that was ripping me apart— Hoobastank had every emotion I felt buried within their words. ...not a perfect person... Not even close. I'm a mess. ...a reason... That's Zoe. She's my reason. ...to change... I'm done being that guy, the one who spent his life hiding himself.
Sitting there alone in my room, going over everything I was losing by keeping things to myself, but refusing to let people in, I finally felt the shift. A deeper understanding of how I need to be different. I thought I had changed, but I wasn't open with Zoe. I didn't communicate what was going on in my life, going on with my parents. I sure the hell didn't tell her about my plan to use Chelsea as my beard. If she ever gives me a chance to explain, gives me another shot, all of that has to change. I have to seriously let her in to every part of my life and every part of my heart.
And as I was having this realization about my life, my mom knocked on my door.
"Emerson, son? Are you home?" her voice called out.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and added it to the rock in my gut. "Yeah, mom. Come in."
The door opened slowly. My mom peeked in. "I wasn't sure if you'd be alone." She had a little concern in her eyes. "Is Chelsea here with you?"
Leave it to my mom to make an assumption like that. She's never caught me alone in my room with a girl before, let alone Chelsea.
"Nah, mom. She's not here." Even I could hear the defeat in my voice. It felt like my life was over, the one I was just getting started with, the one that made my blood pump with excitement, the one I finally felt was real.
"Oh. Emerson, I just wanted to thank her again for the fabulous suggestion with the music." My mom clapped her hands together. "They were such a hit! And the singer, that girl Zoe, such a sweetheart. I was so glad to bump into her."
Oh. Shit.
"What?" I don't know why I even asked. Morbid curiosity must be the only reason because hearing the moment Zoe found out I was fucking lying was not on my list of to-do's.
"Yes, I saw her in our women's lounge just after their performance ended. Zoe loved that picture of you and Chelsea that Chelsea sent before you left for the wedding." My mom smiled at me, but I watched as her smile faded the longer she looked at me. "Emerson, what is the matter, dear?"
The feeling in my stomach must have been showing on my face. It was a pivotal moment in my life. I had to tell my mom something, so I told her the truth. I spilled my guts and even now sitting on Chelsea's front porch an hour later, I'm not sure I made the right call.
Time will tell, I guess.
The door behind me opens and I jump to my feet and turn. Eliciting Chelsea's help will go one of two ways, either cleaning up the mess I've made or making it one million times worse, no exaggeration. And honest to god I'm not sure which way it will go.
"Hey, handsome. Where's the fire? I've never had so many notifications waiting on my phone before. And I know everyone. Not trying to brag." Chelsea stands there and fluffs her hair and crosses her arms. She is now in pink and white flannel pajamas and glitter-free.
"Did you even read the notifications?" I throw my hands up. I've texted it all to her. Everything the girl needs to know to help me out, including what just went down with my mom.
"Course not. You were on your way here to tell me all about it. Why would I need the reading material as well? Is there a quiz?" Chelsea sputters a little laugh.
This shit isn't funny.
"Dammit, Chels. Zoe knows. My mom cornered her, told her my girlfriend is a doll, showed her that picture you sent of us going to the wedding. And Zoe after finding out, took one look at me and bolted." I step back and take a deep breath, my hands on my hips and my eyes on the ground. "I fucking lost her, over a stupid charade. I have fucking lost her because I'm a total idiot." My eyes swing up and meet Chelsea's. "I've lost her forever, haven't I?"
Chelsea is quiet, but only for a heartbeat. "No." Her voice is firm and her tone is strong.
I want to believe her. Want to believe her more than anything I've ever wanted, even more than music. Fuck me. I am petrified I have screwed this all up and there is no fixing it. I just look at Chelsea and shake my head. I don't even know what to say anymore.
"Oh no you don't. You are not giving up, not after all that I've gone through to get you two together." Chelsea has stepped up to me, her face all scrunched up trying to look tough. Her finger is wagging at me, but with our height difference she's really wagging it at my stomach. Then she pushes my chest. "And what the hell do you mean that Zoe ran away from you. Why would she be upset about that picture if...she...already...oh shit, Emerson." Chelsea's speech slowed down at the same rate as her brain caught up to the situation. "Are you saying Zoe didn't know about our situation?" Chelsea's voice is so high pitched that a few nearby neighborhood dogs start barking.
"No, of course she didn't know. Not unless you've said something before now."
"No! I just thought..." She seems flustered and confused and suddenly miss "can talk your ear off" can't seem to form a sentence. She just glares at me and opens and shuts her mouth a half dozen times. But then Chelsea's face turns red, deep red like those Doc Martins she wears all the time and she shouts at the top of her lungs, "You never told her!"
This is that moment that feels like something out of a movie. Everything moves slowly as reality comes crashing down. What the fuck was I thinking keeping this from Zoe? I tried so many times to tell her: that morning on the grassy hill at school, in the car after our date, that first day in my room when we were working on writing the song...But I chickened out every... single... time... This is what cowardice gets you. Royally Fucked.
I finally answer Chelsea. "No, I never told her. You never said anything either." My voice is defensive.
"Because you told me not to, so I didn't. I thought you were going to man up and do it. And I never said anything because I thought it was just this thing that no one talked about! Like fight club! So I didn't talk about it and now Zoe thinks...Oh Em you are soooooo on my bad list right now!" The little smurf starts stomping around on the porch.
"Fine, I'm on your list, and Zoe's list and my parents' list, too. Whatever. You all hate me. But I just want Zoe back and the rest of you can jump in a lake." I turn and sit back down on the porch, head back in my hands like they were an hour ago when I let all of my secrets spill from my lips, effectively ruining the rest of my life. Mom knows, which means the old man will know soon enough. And when he finds out my ass will be shipped out to military school.
I feel Chelsea sit next to me, not close enough to touch, but close enough I can feel the warmth from her shoulder on my arm.
"Why are you on your parents' list, Em?" Her voice is tentative, just a whisper now rather than the angry rant or the high pitch that only the dogs could hear.
"Because I finally told my mom everything. I spilled to her that I'm in a band. Came clean to her for the first time about wanting to play music instead of going into a life of business. Tried to explain to her for the first time, about how playing is like breathing and I can't survive without it." I look over at Chelsea. "Finally told her that you aren't my real girlfriend, that Zoe is. Or was. And that I love her. That I can't see my life without Zoe in it. That she's the best person I've ever met and I wish I was as strong as she is." I take another deep breath trying to dislodge the lump in my throat, the one that's been there all night. But it's a permanent fixture now. No amount of swallowing, or releasing the truth has lessened it.
"Did you really tell her all of that?" Chelsea's voice holds a threat of awe.
"Yeah." I nod.
Silence greets my answer so I look over to Chelsea to see her looking off into the distance.
"Is it all true? Do you love Zoe?" Now her voice sounds hopeful.
"All of it is true...every single word."
"Alright." Chelsea wipes her hands on her pink flannel pants and stands up. "Sounds like we've got something to work with. Meet me at that music store tomorrow morning as soon as it opens."
"Why?" I shake my head at my own stupidity. Looks like bringing Chelsea on board will make things exponentially worse. How in the hell is going to the music store going to help?
"This is called trust. You will now trust me to know the two of you better than you know yourselves. I know Zoe, and I know her insecurities. This one is a huge issue for her, but if you told your mom all of those truths, then I think I have a way to get through to Zoe. So, trust. Got it?" Chelsea gives me a hard look, one that says 'don't mess with me.'
"Fine. Guess I have nothing to loose." I've already lost it all.
"Damn straight. Now go home and get some sleep. You look like hell." She smacks my cheek and turns to go back into her house. "Don't stress, drummer boy. We'll get your girl back."
Then the door shuts and I hear her lock the other side. Nothing left for me to do but go home. Sleep, however, will not be coming anytime soon. I think I'll put all this anxiety and fucked up energy to better use. The way to my soul has always been music, and maybe I can use it to my advantage with Zoe.
I jump in my car and head back home. And as I drive along I hope desperately when I get home my dad hasn't already changed the locks.
Yay!!! An update! And guess what? There is a GUARANTEED update in the works for next weekend too! I never go back on my promises so you can mark your calendars for next Saturday. What did you think of Em? Is he up a creek or does he have a prayer??
I kind of love this song for Em. It's melancholy while also being devious. Heeeheee!