ur love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
Oh whoa, oh whoa...
And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah
Shake it off - Flornece and the machine
Kara looked up at me with her big eyes. She smiled and let out a giggle. I smiled back.
If only she knew how much stress she was putting me under with her being sick. Like the doctor said, a week after being in hospital she was finally allowed to come home, to her new home, my house.
I had a social worker coming over today, then I had to pick up some of her things from Chloe's mums house and then go mother care to get her some new things, and then, I was going to see my uncle, so I had to come home and pick up Katy and Kelsey as my mum had work today.
I picked her up carefully and put her in the crib that was in the living room, Kara wasn't as active as before, the doctor had prescribed her acetaminophen, which was a bit too strong for a 11 month baby so I was told to keep a close eye on her.
"So how are things at home Omarion ?" My whole family where lined up on the sofa with the fakest smiles ever. I warned all my sister if they f_cked this up I would make there live hell.
"It's good." I nodded.
"How do you think you will manage your football, college and a young child ?" Tense.
"Erm, I only go part time to college and my football is Wednesday evenings and weekends, but its not football season now, so I can afford to miss some pracistes. And erm, in fact my mum doesn't work on those days, right mum ?" I delfected the question to my mum, I could hear myself waffling.
"Yes, that's correct, on Wednesday evenings I finish work at 2, and Omarion, starts football training at 6." My mum smiled sweetly. Yes. The social worker noted something down and looked at my sister.
"And Katy, you are in your last year of school, exams coming up, how do you think you will cope with a baby waking you up late at night ?" I looked at her. I dared her to f_ck this up.
"She's stayed over for weekends before for the past 11 months, and Katy is starting to sleep throughout the whole night anyway." Katy cracked a smile at the end.
"And you Kelsey ?" Kelsey just nodded. I told her she wasn't allowed to speak.
"Let me show you around the house." My mum got up pulling down her pencil skirt and waved the worker towards the kitchen. I breathed out. I think it went okay. I went in my pocket and pulled out my wallet. I gave Katy her £30 and Kelsey 2p. She didn't fully understand the concept of money yet.
They got books out and pretended to read.
Yes, the court was going to clear Kara living here. I knew that they normally favoured mothers over fathers but for the firs time I was going to have faith in the system.
The socialworker came back downstairs and started to pick up her things.
"Thank You.'' We smiled and thanked her and my mum took her to the door. She wasn't allowed to hint at what she was going to say to the courts.
We all sighed, Katy took her hair out of the neat bun and put the TV on, I pulled my jeans down and took of my shirt and Kelsey went to go lick the windows.
"Mum I'm going to get Kara's things from Chloe, what time you leaving for work ?"
"4."
"Alright, I'll be back later." I kissed her on the cheek and left.
I wa at my Uncles house, the oldest one who lived with my mums mum. Lord knows that me and her didn't get along, but she was family so I had to keep my thoughts to myself. Me and my uncle were in the living room smoking what all the girls in the Kitchen cooking us diner. I was filling in my uncle on everything, he was so wise, when he wasn't drinking.
Today was he drinking.
"You and Aaliyah ?"
"Were good man." I nodded. "Were just good."
My uncle looked at his cigarette. "I'm gonna stop smoking these one day." I nodded agreeing. I wasn't addicted, I was more of a social smoker.
"I hope your not addicted."
"Never that." I shook my head.
"Does your mum know you smoke ?" I shrugged. I didn't hide it, I just never smoked in the house so I'm not sure if she knew.
I sneezed. Damn.
Yesterday it was raining, but on the day that I decide to go out its sunny. I hated my allergy. I got up and closed on of the windows.
''The smoke isn't gonna regulate man!'' I kissed my teeth.
''I'm gonna go in the kitchen hen before my eyes start itching.''
I left my uncle to finish his cigarette and went to annoy my grandmother.
''don't even boy!'' I laughed and closed the door. She knew I was coming to annoy her and the girls. I sat on the table and watched them.
''What happened to you eye ?''' She pointed to the cut on top of my eyebrow I had gotten the day I had a fight with Zac.
''I had a fight.''
''Did you win?'' She asked in a strong Jamaican accent taking the chicken out of the oven.
''Of course Gran !'' She laughed but tried to tell me off. The weird thing about her is if I had lost the fight she would tell me not to fight, but if you win she would congratulate you.
"Right, do you have your seatbelt on ?"
"Duh. I'm not a dummy." I nodded.
"Have you checked the rearview mirror?" Steven adjusted it, but stopped and smiled at his relfection. I kissed my teeth.
"Fix it so that you can see cars behind you, not your reflection." Steven laughed and said he knew that. He adjusted it.
I double checked that everything was in place.
"Right, were gonna start with controlling the speed. Press your foot LIGHTLY on the right pedal." We were in an empty car park, so Steven couldn't crash into anything except poles. He must have pressed it hard cause we next thing I hit my head of the head board.
"Sh*t." I held my eye.
"Sh*t Omari are you okay ?" I shook my head.
"I said lightly you d*ck ! "
"I did do it lightly ! You didn't have a seat belt !"
"Argh !"
I look at my eye in the reflection. It looked fine now but I could tell I was going to get a black eye. The scar on my eye brow was just starting to fade from the fight and I was going to get a new one.
I eventually calmed down and after 30 mintues we decided to call it a day. Steven was actually unteachable, I finally understood why teachers got so frustrated with him.
I was back in the drivers seat on my way home.
"Yellow light! Yellow light !" Steven pointed to the light.
I pushed his hand out of my face. "I can see it man."
"Then why didn't you stop!" I shrugged. It was a yellow light not a green light, it was just a recomndation that I should slow down. Legally I didn't have to.
"See, this is why you hit you head, your a bad teacher."
"What ?!" I was actually shocked.
"Who taught you ?"
"My mum" I said laughing
"She's calm man, but you shout, you don't even follow the law properly." I shrugged.
"Your doing 40 on a 35 mile zone mate."
"35 - 40, what's the difference ?"
''You shouldn't have even been teaching me anyway, your meant to be 21 with at least 1 year experience driving.'' I kissed my teeth but laughed.
I had gotten a few speeding tickets but I wasn't that bothered, it was normally on a motor way which in my eyes didn't count.
''Mum what you doing next week Friday ?'' I need to get my car MOTed and I didn't know how or what told to so I was hoping that she would do it for me.
''Court.'' She sighed.
''My court case is in like 3 months ?'' I asked confused.
'''I know, its your sister.''
''Kasey ?'' Kasey had ADHD but why would she go court, she's like 8 ?
''No Katy, she was caught truanting and then resisted arrest.''
''The f_ck is she doing truanting ?'' I asked, I walked up to Katy's room without waiting for my mums answer. Truanting ? I told her she better behave and now she wants to skip school ? For what ? I banged open her door and she shrieked, she told whoever on the phone she'll call them back then looked at me. I was already fuming. My Marj hated going to court, she's a surgeon, she was meant to be respected not taking her stupid kid to court, besides she has 101 better things to do.
Like get my car MOT'ed.
''Going to court yeah?'' I said walking towards her. She kissed her teeth and carried on texting on her phone. I grabbed it and threw it at the wall. I don't know who she was having attitude with like I wasn't being calm. My mum never punished her, so I will.
''ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND ?''
''Carry on and your laptops out the window.'' Katy ran to her blackberry that was now in a couple of pieces. I paid for it anyway.
''It's none of your business if I'm going to court.''
''I know its not my business but your stressing out mum so I've made it my business. The f_ck you doing truanting ?'' She kept quite. I put my hand up and counted down from three with my fingers.
''FINE ! Me and Ashley wanted to smoke.''
"Smoke ?" I was praying I heard wrong. I swear if Kara came out like Katy I would ship her to Jamica and she would never come back.
"Yeah, you smoke all the time."
"I also f_ck b*tches all the time, do you want to f_ck girls too Katy ?" She shook her head.
"So why do you copy me then ?"
"I dunno. I tried it a while ago and liked it."
"Does mum know ?" She shook her head.
"Give me your cigarettes."
"I don't have any."
I looked around confused.
"So where do you get them from ?" She remained quiet. I sighed loudly waiting for her to talk.
"I normally take a couple from your packet, and Ashleys get them from her mum." She replied so quietly I barely heard her.
I left the room. I wanted to slap her so bad but my mum would have switched on me. I was trying to give her less stress.
Stealing.
From me? I left her room. I was this close the beating this girl up.
I chilled in my room for a while, counted all my cigerattes then I took a nap, then when I woke up texted Steven then went downstairs.
I picked up Kara who was trying to walk up the stairs.
"Does baby wanna go to the park ?" Kara shook her head. I frowned.
"Why not ?"
"Toyyy." She pointed to her Spogne Bob Toy on the stairs.
"Give me a kiss first." She shook he head. I nodded my head and she shook her head again. She put her hand in my face and tried to wriggle out.
"Hey no Kamara, listen to Daddy." She shook he head. Next thing I knew she bit me. I nearly dropped her, that's how shocked I was.
"Kara ! You don't bite daddy !" She nodded innocently. I shook my head, she watched me then copied my facial expression.
"Say Sorry."
"Sowry." She blinked a couple of times, I'm sure she was checking to see if I brought her apology. People didn't understand that Kara was a genuis, she had me wrapped around her finger.
"Mummy !" I rolled my eyes.
"You can't see Mummy right now Kara." I started to walk down the stairs into the living room.
"Mummy ! Mummy !"
"Shhh, Kara." I detoured into the kitchen remembering her pills and orange, then went back into the living room.
"Say Ahhh !" I peeled the orange. The only way was to trick Kara into thinking that was having an orange, but put the pill inside one of the orange, and she would just chew it with everything else.
"MUMMY ! " She hit my hand throwing the box of pills.
"Mummy ! Mummy ! Mummy ! " She bounced up and down getting more and more agitated.
"We can see mummy later ." She shook her head.
"Mummy now !" I picked up the packet of pills and tried again.
"Say Ahhh and Daddy will buy you the biggest every Sponge Bob Toy ! " Kara giggled and opened her mouth, copying what I was getting her to do. I put the pill in, along with an orange, so she would chew it with the orange. She screwed up her face and held her kneck, but swallowed it all.
"Say ahhh ! " She opened her mouth and I double checked that she swallowed and there was nothing in her kneck.
"Toy."
"Get Daddys car keys." That she understood fine. She wriggled down my leg and went searching for my keys. She was starting to learn to walk, she could walk aided, and then by herself for a little while before she fell on her bum, but she look at me, giggle then start again. I put on some shoes just as she came back with my mums keys.
"Do you wanna take Grandma's Range Rover ?" I asked nodding, she didn't understand but nodded as well.
Hahaaa, my mum was a b*tch when it came to her car, she never let me drive it. Ever. Now, I could drive it and some how blame Kara. I got her car seat and strapped her into the car, trying to make as little noise as possible, my mum was in her room, and I had only shouted that me and Kara are going shopping. I was hoping that she stayed in there.
We drove to Kwalis with one of the clean CDs in the car.
"I'm tryna figure out why she bit me to be honest, she's never seen anyone bite anyone." I asked Kayne confused. He looked at me like I was taking the piss.
"Blud, I've been your house before, its a violent household. Someones phone is being thrown down the stairs, Kelsey is licking something, your shouting bloody murder, accusing your family of conspiraing against you and your mum is running after all of you shouting. She probably saw Kelsey biting your dog. That girls a freak man." I couldn't help but chuckle.
"My house aint that bad man."
"Its a mad house, I'm just waiting to see how Kesely turns out." We both looked at Kelsey across the Disney store mesmerised by the Aladdin and Princess Jasmine toy.
She held onto the display and tried to pull it down. We could see that this was going to end badly but I could also see that Kara wanted the display of the monkey badly. I could either drag her away and get her crying and hitting me, or let one of the store workers see her, stop her and Kara would take the anger out on them, then I would come like the hero.
''Excuse me darling, you can't do that.'' The manager said very slowly and shook her head. Me and Kayne watched forma cross the store. Kara watched her facial expression trying to figure something out, I think all she saw was someone shaking their head at her which meant that she couldn't have something, Kara nodded her head, and the woman shook her head. Kara turned away from her and carried on trying to pull the cardboard down.
The woman patted her, Kara looked at her and she shook her head again. Kara looked around the store, when she spotted me she started to cry.
''This girl is split.'' Kayne started as we walked towards her.
''She's smart blud! See how she looked for you before she started crying, she wanted you to see her cry.'' I rolled my eyes.
''At least she knows that if she cries her dad will always come.'' I picked her up and she stopped crying immediately.
Because I was picking her up she could actually reach the monkey now, she grabbed onto it and tried to drag it down. I pulled her away from it and apologised to the lady.
We ended up getting her a monkey toy then went to get her the sponge bob toy I promised.
''So spoilt.'' Kayne said shaking his head.
We all walked into the college. I don't know how to explain but we were all in a mischievous mood.
''You dropped something.'' I picked up the travel card and handed it to Kayne.
''Ay why do you have a child travel card ?'' Jonathan asked. We all looked at Kayne waiting for him to explain why a big 17 year old had a kids travel card.
''What? Am I not a child of Allah.'' He snatched back his travel card leaving all of us in hysterics. He was being so serious as well. We laughed and went out separate ways as the bell went. I had English with Steven and Kwali. Before we even sat down the teacher stormed in and demanded that we be split up from out table.
''Why though ?'' I protested. My seat was right next to the radiator. Like mate I was as comfy as heaven.
''because I said so. If you don't like it leave !''
''Well you still mark me in the register ?'' She shook her head. Argh. I picked up my bag an dragged it to the table with the empty seat. I turned and looked at Kwali and Steven who hadn't moved yet, but she left then and started the lesson. I put my hand up.
''Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss !'' She looked at me but ignored me.
''DIANE !'' I called her by her first name, making her snap her head.
''Excuse me, but you told all of us to spilt up, they're still together !'' I pointed to Steven and Kwali across the room.
I ducked down when Steven took of some girls glasses and threw them at me. When I say Kwali was crying, Steven was so reckless, the girl looked confused. How did this guy just take of the glasses from her face and throw them at me?
''OUT !'' Steven simply shook his head.
''Why?''
''You just took that girls glasses and threw them !''
''No I didn't.'' I looked up to the sky and sighed. The whole class just saw him do it.
''YES YOU DID! OUT!''
''You have no evidence.'' Steven replied simply. The teacher sighed.
''Mary had glasses on, where are they now.''
''You don't were glasses do you Mary?'' Steven looked at her. She looked at me, Steven then the teacher, then shook her head.
''See. So I don't understand exactly what you are accusing me off ?''
I was actually in hysterics. Was this guy serious? She sighed and tried to go back to teaching. I sighed and turned to my table of 2 girls and 1 boy. I was hoping that they would be live. She set us a task to read 2 scenes of Streetcar with our group, then discuss it.
The group read it whilst I was texting Aaliyah.
''Omari ?'' I mumbled reply whilst trying to finish my text.
''Omari?''
I kissed my teeth. ''yeah man?''
''What do you think of Stanley raping Blanche?'' I shrugged. Is the guy real for me to care.
''So you don't care about rape?''
''As long as my girls are cool, I'm cool.''
The girl screwed me and went back to discussing with the table. I looked at her with a screw face. This is why I didn't socialise with the first year girls in this college, they thought they were too nice. The lesson finished and me Kwali went to Law.
This was one of my favourite lessons, even though we constantly argued. The teacher forced us into pairs and we had to make a new law.
''Sooo, what do you think?'' I think this girls name was Roxanne, but I wasn't so sure.
''Make the age to a have sex higher for girls.'' She gave me side eyes. I laughed.
''Nah, but seriously, make it higher.''
''What about boys?''
''Boys are calm man, we can wrap up, you girls just lie about being on the pill.''
She smiled but looked back at me. I noticed her dimples...and her slightly large chest, but I tried to concentrate.
''So who are 16 year old boys going to have sex with then?'' I shrugged. Kara was defo not having sex at 16, law or no law.
''Older women init.'' She giggled and looked at me.
''So what's wrong with girls your age?'' She cocked up and eye brow. I shrugged. I knew where this conversation as going and I was trying my hardest to keep it from going there.
''They have no experience.''
''Experience doesn't make you any better.''
''So you're telling me your better than an 21 year old girl.'' She nodded confidently. I shook my head.
''You can talk to the talk..'''
''I definitely can walk the walk...'' She pretended to be pissed off and started writing in her book. I ran my tongue across my teeth but didn't say anything else.
AALIYAH
''You spoken to Kwali recently?'' I asked Maria on our break. She shook her head.
''Maria...''
''I know, but..'' She sighed.
''But what ?'' She sighed again and kept quiet.
''He had sex with my cousins friend'' I waited for her to expand.
''And it's just weird, he can't come to me and tell me he likes me and how he doesn't think I like him, then he goes and does stuff with other girls. It's a big thing opening up and trusting someone Aaliyah, I don't want to be heartbroken at the end of this. I'd rather not take the risk and just remain friends.''
''That's not a way to live.''
''At this age it is, what can he offer me that my brothers or friends don't? At his age it's not much really.'' She shrugged.
''And don't even start about staying safe, let's not even start with you and Omari !'' I kissed my teeth but smiled.
''Were not even like that..''
''What are you like then ?'' I shrugged. I had no idea.
''Like his my friend, but I'm still attracted to him and there's time when I miss being his girlfriend, and there's times when I miss just being his friends. Like the feelings are there, but they come out so much when I'm around him, but when I'm away from him its fine.'' She nodded.
''Anyway, you and Kwali, so what you're calling it quits?'' She nodded.
''Does he know this?'' She shook her head.
''I figured if I don't see him, then after some time the feelings will naturally fade.''
''So h hasn't called you or texted you?''
''He has, but I barely reply and I don't pick up and when I do, I always say I need to do something.'' I nodded. We decided to go the library to finish off some work.
''Lee.'' I looked up from my sociology book.
''Yeah babe.''
''Something been on my mind for some time now..'' I nodded waiting for her to carry on.
''Right, you know that day when that guy came to my house, a couple of days before Kwalis birthday?'' I racked my brains.
''Ummm... yeah..yeah I know who you're talking about, Carlos ?'' She nodded then sighed.
''Right basically after I took you bus stop, I came home whatever, made some tea and wen to sit in the living room with my brother and his friend. And basically Carlos said that his girlfriend cheated on him with her baby father. And I didn't realise that his girlfriend is Omari's baby mother until you showed me a picture of her the other day, and since then ts just been on my mind, I didn't know whether or not to tell you, or..''
I nodded just trying to take it all in and decide how to react.
''What day was this?'
''Like 2 weeks before Kwalis?''
2 weeks before Kwalis ?
2 weeks before Kwalis ?
That was when I had the pregnancy scare.
I thought about this, so Omari f_cked Chloe, instead of answering my calls or coming to see if I was okay?
''Are you sure its Chloe?''
''100% I even asked my brother about it before I told you.''
''Aaliyah man, make me some food.'' I shook my head. I was still in space.
Maria was right, to open up and to fully trust someone is such a huge thing, to be mentally naked in front of someone, sharing your hopes and dreams and giving them your trust, letting them be your rock, that was everything.
I didn't even want to cry, I wanted revenge.
I had now know this for a couple of days, and I came to the conclusion that words meant nothing to Omari, it was action. He didn't know I knew, I tried to act casual, I hadn't seen him or spoke to him on the phone, we just texted, which made it easier to hide my anger.
''Aaliyah !'' Luke turned my head to face him. The only reason that he had come around was to pick up money from Sam, but Sam was at his girlfriend's house for the night. So he ended up keeping me company whilst I waited for my mum to come home later on tonight.
''Sorry yeah?''
''FOOD !'' I looked at Luke. Omari had f_cked most of my friends during the course of our relationship, so why can't I do the same? I had to find one of his weakest friends though, and one with a big mouth so Omari would find out.
''AALIYAH !''
''Luke hold on I'm trying to think.'' I snapped. He kissed his teeth and sat next to me. I turned to him slowly, now I see. I leaned toward him and started to kiss his neck.
''Your treading on thin waters.'' He said trying to edge sideways. I ignored him and let the kiss lead up to his lips. He held my shoulders and moved back.
''What are you doing? Your my boys girl.''
''He doesn't own me.''
Even though Luke was 3 years older than me, he didn't stop me when I kissed him again.
Told you Luke and Aaliyah were gonna have sex.
Heehee.
Sorry about any spelling mistakes, you all now the deal by now (: