Millie slowly pulled away from him, not wanting to wake him, knowing how tired he was and how gruelling his schedule was. It was hard to sleep on a noisy bus with so many other people, she wanted to leave him to sleep.
She put his denim jacket over his top half and slowly climbed over him and out of the bunk. The bunks were so tiny she felt smothered just led between sleeping Dex and the wall,
with a bunk on top of them there was barely any space. She wasn't sure where she was going to go, she felt awkward mingling with the band without Dex but she knew however uncomfortable it made her, staying cramped in that bunk was worse.
Feeling guilty she knew that if she went out to the seating area with the rest of the band she was likely to bump into Jesse.
She pulled back the curtain to Dex's bunk and peeked out. All of the other bunk curtains were closed. Most people had gone to bed. Maybe Jesse had. She listened for a minute. She could still hear quiet chatting at the other end of the bus, she figured she would go get a drink and see who was up.
she walked nervously down the thin bus aisle between two rows of bunks, she was sure she could hear Jesse's voice still.
The aisle opened up into the seating area, Jesse was led on one of the couches, CJ was asleep on another. Mac was sat at the table doing some paperwork. Jesse caught sight of Millie and sat up a little. Mac turned around to see who it was
"Alright Mil?" he asked
"Yeah, Dex is asleep and it's so stuffy in those bunks, just wanted some air and a drink" she replied, feeling like she was appearing guilty by explaining herself that much. She nervously walked towards the sink, grabbing a glass from the cupboard above she turned the tap slowly, trying to be as quiet as she could and not wake anyone up. Especially the driver.
"Ok, help yourself love" replied Mac, turning his attention back to his paperwork.
Jesse tried not to make it obvious that he was watching her. He couldn't understand how he'd gone from really disliking her just a couple of weeks ago to finding himself feeling like he really wanted to be around her. He surprised himself as he realised he was watching her ass as she stood with her back to him, filling up her glass from the tap.
She turned back to face him and took a sip of her drink, her mouth was bone dry and she needed a sip before plucking up the courage to talk to Jesse, with mac in the room she felt awkward. But in reality Mac knew nothing! As far as he was concerned Millie and Jesse hated each other and he'd probably be glad to see them getting on, even more so that Jesse appeared sober and wasn't causing Mac any hassle for once!
"Are you going to be up for a little while?" whispered Millie, being just a few feet from where the driver was sleeping in his cab, Millie was conscious not to be loud and wake him. Mac was always telling the guys off for keeping the driver awake. He was often driving overnight and needed to rest.
"Yeah" replied Jesse, Hopeful that she was going to join him for a while. Jesse sat up, moving his feet off the couch so she could sit down. With Mac sat in earshot Millie felt like a kid wanting to be alone with her boyfriend with a parent in the room. It was awkwardly silent for a few moments. Millie wasn't good at initiating conversation, she wasn't very chatty with people she didn't know well
"How long you here for?" Asked Jesse breaking the ice. Millie was grateful.
"Err..I'm working here till Wednesday.." she started to explain
"But you guys leave here tomorrow night anyway, don't you?" She asked, pleased that conversation was beginning to flow
"Yeah, late tomorrow after the show" replied Jesse.
He was a bit disappointed she wasn't going to be traveling with them, he was beginning to like talking to her, there was something he was seeing in her that he never had before the last few days, or perhaps he never gave her a chance before now. He took an instant dislike to her when Dex began dating her and he never gave her any opportunity to change his opinion. He was surprised she even wanted to talk to him though, he'd been so horrible to her in the past, even threatened her on a couple of occasions. He knew he didn't deserve her forgiveness, not less her friendship.
"I thought so" she replied
"Right I'm off to bed now" said Mac, shuffling all his paperwork into a tidy pile in the middle of the table.
"Night" said Millie, Echo'd by Jesse.
They both sat in silence waiting for Mac to be out of earshot, he shut the door to the bunk section of the bus behind him.
"So what's going on with you?" Whispered Millie, not wanting to be overheard
"Are you going to rehab or something?" Asked Millie
"No, I saw this recovery expert guy this morning, they've got a plan for me sorted so that for now I can stay on tour. They said I have to do this pre-recovery thing first, like talking therapy or something plus medication and I have to have a guy come join the tour, basically a babysitter for me" said Jesse, he shivered, the withdrawal chills had already started to set in.
"Oh. Is that what you want?" Asked Millie
"I want to get off it and I want to stay in the band, I need to stay in the band" said Jesse
"So I'll do whatever it takes, I'll be regularly drug tested and if I fail then it'll be rehab" he added
"I've only injected for a couple of months, so maybe it'll be easier" he added, trying to be optimistic but still shivering. Millie grabbed a blanket from the back of the sofa and draped it over him.
"Thanks, these chills are like flu.. on steroids!" He laughed, but she could see the fear in his eyes. He was scared, scared of what was to come, his drugs counsellor had told him that this would be the hardest thing he'd ever do in his life and it would likely be physically painful. But most of all he was scared of failing, of being destined to remain a zombie at the mercy of his addiction forever, he knew that for meant certain he would no longer be a musician, no band was going to employ someone with the amount of issues he was battling. He had to do it and it had to be now. He wanted to hang onto the few things he still had left in his life before he lost them all.
Cat had already left, the future they had planned together was gone, there would be no wedding, no children, no life together, the last thing he wanted to do now was lose his job. Music was his life, it was the only thing that got him up each morning and kept him going. Plus if he was kicked out of he band that meant almost certain death for his mom, there was no way he could pay for her specialist treatment without a high paid job and he didn't have the qualifications or the know how to do anything else that would pay so well. Music was his life, he was going to hang onto it with everything he had.
"Is there anything I can do to help you?" Asked Millie.
"No, you've done enough" replied Jesse, he sought out his hand from underneath the blanket and reached out, grabbing Millie's hand and holding onto it
"I'm really sorry, Mil" he whispered, his expression serious, his mouth quivering a little with raw emotion.
Before Millie could even answer he continued
"I'm sorry for misjudging you, I'm sorry for treating you so badly and I'm so grateful that you're here" he added, his eyes obviously watery now. Millie squeezed his hand in acceptance of the apology.
"It's not me.. the violence, it's the drugs and the drink, it turns me into this angry, violent person that I don't want to be" he explained
"It's ok, just get better" she replied
She'd never seen this side of him.
"I will. I swear" he replied. Millie just smiled.
There was a pause
Jesse looked her in the eye, pulling himself together he looked strong again for a second.
"Dex is really lucky ya know" he said, his gaze fixed on her, still clutching onto her hand
"I don't know about that, I think it's me that's lucky" she replied, modestly.
"Seriously, I really misjudged you, I assumed you were like all the other fame hungry fans, but you're not" explained Jesse. Millie was pleased to hear that.
"I hate being called a fan" she replied, feeling like she had far surpassed being called that now
"I'm sorry, you know what I mean though?" He asked. Millie just nodded, unsure of what he was really trying to say. She pulled her hand back from him gently, feeling like he held on so long it was becoming awkward to still be holding his hand through the conversation. She was very aware of her surroundings and that Dex and the rest of the band were just a few feet away sleeping, anyone could walk in at any time and it wouldn't have looked great for someone walking in on her and Jesse alone together, holding hands at 1am. She didn't want to be the creater of any more drama!
"So how are you feeling now?" Asked Millie, wanting to change the subject.
"Err.. ill" replied Jesse,
"I spent at least half of the day throwing up!" He admitted. After 24 hours of no drugs and alcohol the withdrawal had well and truly set in and although he was suffering the effects of opiate withdrawal, he was surprised that so far he wasn't craving the high. He felt in control. He was sure that would change and things would get worse but for now, flu on steroids wasn't half as bad as he'd expected.
"You'll get through to the other side Jess, it'll get better I promise" said Millie wanting to encourage him as much as she could but in reality she had no idea what he was going to have to go through, drugs were a world she had never entered and never would, she'd never fully understand. The closest she'd ever got was dating a drug taker in her teens, she'd experienced the violence before but the closest thing she had felt was the heartache that came with it.
Millie relaxed a little, slouching back down into the sofa beside Jesse, she pulled the blanket over her feet, moving them to get under the blanket she touched Jesse, her eyes quickly flicked up to his, he smiled.
'Dammit' she thought, she knew he made something of that.
She pretended to barely notice. Jesse yawned, pretending to stretch, he put his arms above his head and stretched out his legs a little, purposely pushing them into Millie a little, testing the waters he dropped his arms back down beside him making sure his hand brushed hers. Millie was slightly startled, had he touched her by accident or was he trying to start something. Jesse smiled at her, he didn't want to start something with her, Dex was his best friend and he didn't want to jeopardise that but at the same time he was beginning to realise he was feeing something for Millie, perhaps he was just missing having someone, missing being touched, having someone's arms around him, he knew he was just seeking some comfort, he missed it, he was really starting to realise what he had lost in Cat. He tried to fight the feeling and put the thought to the back of his mind but looking at her he felt shivers race down his spine, the hairs on his arms were standing up. He wondered if it was just the fact that Cat had gone and he hadn't had any affection from a girl in a while, well certainly nothing meaningful. The one night stands didn't count, there were no feelings involved in that.
Jesse found himself staring at her, he was beginning to wish he had met her before Dex, she was a nice girl, sensible, it had become clear to him that she wasn't with Dex for any kind of gain, in fact she seemed to hate the whole fame thing. Jesse thought that if she could turn off the fame and have Dex to herself, just a normal relationship he was sure that she would. She was exactly the kind of girl he wanted and she was beautiful.
He was beginning to get hot and flustered, he started up a conversation with her in an attempt to distract him from his ever increasing inappropriate thoughts. He kicked the blanket off and exhaled deeply.
"Are you ok?" Asked Millie
"Yeah, just this damn fever, I'm having a hot sweat now!" He replied, leaning forward to take his shirt off. Millie couldn't help her eyes wandering.
Man he was ripped! she thought, way more so than Dex! Her eyes transfixed on his tanned, tonned abs. He had a body to die for. Millie began to feel herself tense up, as she attempted to suppress the attraction she felt to him. Jesse looked at her and laughed a little, she was blushing and obviously flustered by him taking his shirt off. She was embarrassed and couldn't look directly at him, yet her mind was telling her to look, she wanted to see him take more off! Jesse felt smug, it was obvious he'd had an effect on her. He was sure she liked him a little, or at least she liked his body, that was good enough.
He teased her a little, running his hand under the waistband of his jeans, pretending to adjust himself he pushed them down a little, revealing the line of hair going down from his belly button, disappearing into his jeans, he saw Millie look out of the corner of her eye. He laughed.
"What?" She asked, still forcing herself to not look up at him.
"Nothing" he replied, she let herself look at him, being careful to keep her eyes on his face, he was smiling like a Cheshire Cat. Millie rolled her eyes at him and couldn't help but smile. God I want to touch him she thought, her abdomen uncomfortably pulsating.
"I'm gonna go to bed now" said Jess, he knew he'd got her flustered and leaving now was the ultimate tease. Millie was a little disappointed, she knew she was never going to let anything happen, she was madly in love with Dex, but the flirting was still nice and she could look at his topless body for hours!
"It's not going to look good if we fall asleep out here is it, when someone gets up in the morning and sees us asleep together under the blanket, that won't go down well" he explained. He had a point
"Yeah, Goodnight Jess" she smiled at him.
"Goodnight Mil" he replied, knowing that as soon as he turned to walk away her eyes would be firmly fixed on his butt in his tight skinny jeans. He was right.
As soon as he was out of sight, closing the door to the bunk section behind him Millie led down on the sofa breathing out a sigh of relief. She felt so tense! What had just happened? Why did she feel so drawn to him? Had he purposely tried to turn her on? Did he like her? She had a million questions filling her head and didn't know the answer to one of them! All she knew is that she was never expecting to feel the way she did right now because of anyone except Dex! This was bad.
Quietly she walked back to Dex's bunk, closing the door as quietly as possible, it needed oiling and made a loud squeal every time anyone closed it, no matter now gently. She slowly climbed over Dex to the inside of the bunk, being careful not to wake him, she knew if he woke up he'd cuddle her, normally she loved that but it felt wrong to be cuddling up to Dex whilst her veins pumped full of adrenaline for Jesse's body.
She was scared.
Lying awake he was all she could think about, she lay next to her super famous boyfriend, loved by half the female population but right now all she could think about was Jesse.
Jesse couldn't get to sleep, he tossed and turned, going from cold chills to hot sweats continually, but he could deal with that. It was his mind that was the hardest to deal with. He didn't have drugs on his mind for once though, he had his best friends girlfriend on his mind. He couldn't quite get his head around the fact that he couldn't stand her just a few days earlier and now he was having all kinds of feelings for her, thinking about her all the time, longing to touch her! It came out of no where and knocked him for six! Although it was taking his mind off of his withdrawal and his break up with Cat which was only a good thing, but still his mind was in a constant struggle with his thoughts.
He knew he couldn't have her, he knew he wouldn't try anything, Dex was his best friend and had given him the break he really needed back when the band started. He was grateful to him, he always would be. But he wasn't sure how to get over this! He'd never felt this drawn to anyone this fast.
Nearly 2am, an hour passed and Jesse was still awake, tormented by his feelings and going over everything in his head over and over again, his mind began to wander back to his addiction, he wasn't good at dealing with feelings and emotions, he felt like he needed his fix to numb his mind to all the crazy shit circulating his head. He attempted to think of something else. Anything else! He needed to talk to Millie, she was his only hope of staying sober.
He began writing a text message to her
Are you still awake? Is Dex?
He figured that was vague enough that if Dex saw it first he wouldn't get either of them in trouble and would just claim he wanted to talk to Dex but didn't want to wake him.
As he read the message over and over trying to decide if he should actually send it and what his next move would be if she replied his phone vibrated in his hand, he shoved it under his covers trying to keep it quiet, the bus was silent, bar someone snoring down the other end! He figured everyone was asleep and didn't want to wake anyone up.
Hoping it wasn't going to vibrate again he cautiously pulled it out from under the covers
I can't sleep. Are you still up?
Mils x
He smiled at the thought of her laying awake thinking of him enough to text him. He was looking forward to the back and forth messaging that he hoped would now follow knowing it was going to distract him from going out and scoring some drugs, which was very tempting right now.
He quickly changed the message he had already written
I'm still awake. Too much going through my head, why what's up? Jess
He waited for her reply, clutching his phone to his chest he couldn't stop smiling. His heart racing, he wasn't sure why he was so excited or what he thought was going to happen he just knew that messaging her dragged him out of his depressed state and made him almost forget about the physical pain, sweats and chills he was currently experiencing.
He quickly switched vibration off his phone before her reply came through.
His chest tightened, his body flooded with adrenaline as her name appeared on the screen of his phone.
Oh nothing. Just can't sleep. How are you feeling? Are you in pain? I am here if you need anything Jess.xx
Yes but I'm ok. It's the mental pain that's the problem. Jess x
Jesse knew she would assume he meant the mental struggle with recovery but actually he was referring to his heart ache. And as well as every muscle in his body his heart was aching. He knew this was never going to end well.
Just focus on getting better. Mil x
I will.
He was desperate to tell her how he was feeling but he didn't want to scare her away, truth was she was the reason that he knew he could recover. She was the only person who could help him, he needed her more than she would ever realise.
Assuming that was the end of the text conversation he laid his phone down on a tiny shelf beside him and closed his eyes. Feeling slightly more relaxed he hoped to fall asleep.
Millie wanted to fall asleep, she had a full day of meetings ahead of her in the morning and really wanted to be on form. These meetings were huge stepping stones in her career and she didn't underestimate the importance of them but she just couldn't switch off, she felt compelled to talk to Jesse, her mind kept wandering, thinking of what it would be like to be close to him, without the drugs and alcohol was he sweet like Dex, was he cuddly and affectionate, he didn't seem to be with Cat but maybe Cat just wasn't right for him, was he good in..... She shook her head in an attempt to get the thought out of her head before they went too far but no matter what she forced herself to think of her mind always wandered back to Jesse.
She couldn't just leave it there.
Jess I feel weird
Weird how? I'm sorry if I've made you feel this way by dumping all my problems on you. Seriously I'll be fine on my own.
Oh, no, it's not that, I don't know if I can even explain. It's just weird that 24hrs ago we hated each other, now, Uh, I don't even know how to explain
I know, I've been thinking the same thing, it's almost like I've known you forever and we've always been friends. I guess it is a little weird....and fast
I'm scared Jess
Scared? Of what?
I'm not sure I should answer that.
Jesse was intrigued as to what she was going to say, she absolutely needed to answer that!
Please, tell me. I'm fairly certain whatever you're going to say, I could say the same thing to you :/
Tell me first Jess
Jesse hesitated, staring at the screen of his phone he knew she was about to cross an irreplaceable line. He could stop this before it started, before it got him in even more shit than he was already in! And before he irreparably ruined his friendship with Dex, but truth was, he was weak and he wasn't sure he wanted it to stop.
She closed her eyes and squeezed them tightly shut holding her phone to her chest, her heart was beating in her mouth as her chest tightened in anticipation of his reply.
Ok. I'm scared of a lot of things, but at this moment I'm most scared that I might have a crush on my best friends girl.
I'm sorry.
Millie read the text over and over in her head. Despite how good it made her feel to read his words this wasn't good. How on earth did she manage to get herself into this situation! The press would have a field day with this one! She needed Ricco so badly! He was always good at sorting out her ridiculous problems! But she knew she'd have to wait until tomorrow to talk to him, he'd no doubt be fast asleep cuddled up to his new loverboy.
Yeah, kinda same, maybe. Oh fuck. What do we do now babe?
Babe? That's a step up from Prick! Haha. Hmm, what do we do now.. uhh.. come and get in my bed?
Stop it you. I'm serious!
So was I.
Was he serious? Or was he joking, surely he wouldn't be suggesting that seriously. Dex was his best friend, Millie was sure Jesse wouldn't expect her to do that. She assumed he was joking but she didn't really see the funny side.
I think we both need to sleep on this, it's a lot to take in. Goodnight Jess, I hope we can figure this out xx
Me too. We will figure it out. Delete these messages. Goodnight gorgeous. Jess x
Millie fell asleep clutching her phone, she felt a weird kind of calm, it was like talking to Jesse lifted a weight from her shoulders.
Jesse wrote one more message, hoping he wasn't pushing his luck he felt brave and impulsive, he felt alive for the first time in a long time. He was starting to see what Dex saw in her all along, she really was something special.
I'm not pushing you, but if you ever want to it's always on the table. No one needs to ever know. Jess x
"Good morning Sweetie" said Dex with that beautiful sparkling model-esque smile as he leaned down and kissed Millie on the forehead, sleepily she smiled back, she loved waking up with him.
"You fell asleep with your phone on your face you nutter!" Dex laughed. Suddenly all of last nights conversations came flooding back to Millie she jumped up, frantically looking for her phone.
"Where is it?" She asked
Dex pointed to the little shelf at the side of the bunk. she grabbed it, she had deleted all the messages from last night but knowing she'd done something wrong made her very nervous. Dex seemed happy so she guessed he hadn't seen anything or he would most definitely have questions! shielding it slightly from Dex she saw she had a new message from Jesse
Oh fuck! she thought. She read it quickly, not taking it in, she quickly deleted it and slid her phone down in her pocket.
"Everything ok?" Asked Dex, slightly confused by her haste.
"Yeah.. uh, just Ricco getting himself into trouble again" lied Millie. She knew Dex wouldn't question that. Dex just smiled. And snuggled back down into her neck. Millie glanced at Dex' watch, it was 7.39am
"I have to go babe" she said sympathetically
"I've got my first meeting at 9.15am and I have to get to Ricco's hotel room and shower first" she explained
"Ok" replied Dex, deflated, the goodbyes never got any easier and he knew it would be at least a week before he saw her again.