New York was way colder than Millie had imagined. It was only September but the wind was already icy, cutting through her thin denim jacket, her body ached with rigidity. She wrapped it tightly around her, it made no difference, her teeth involuntarily chattering as she stepped outside of the airport onto the busy pavement.
It was approaching 6pm the streets were alive with people, some heading home after work, some on their way out for the evening, there were people of every walk of life, dressed for every occasion. Millie watched an old couple crossing the street, she wondered how they had managed to stay alive so long as they dodged in and out of cars, the drivers were were crazier than back home.
Worries for their safety she had to look away, glancing down the street to the taxi rank the queue for cabs was huge.
"Ohhh I'm going to freeze to death before we get a cab" she complained
"Don't you have a chauffeur here or something?" Millie asked, bouncing on the balls of her feet impatiently, attempting to stop the frost bite from setting in that she was fairly sure would be consuming her any minute.
"Nope, sorry doll, only in England and Italy. We'll find lover boy soon don't worry!" Ricco laughed. Millie shot him a look for mocking her.
"It's not that! I'm just freezing! I won't survive to see him if we have to wait here too long!" She groaned
Ricco laughed,
"That's ok, if you die I'll keep Dex company" Ricco winked at her, quickly cuddling her into his chest and wrapping his arms around her like a parent would a child before she had the chance to roll her eyes at him.
"If I drop you off with Dex do you mind if i shoot off to see Luca?" Asked Ricco, knowing that her reply was going to be sarcastic in some way.
"I'll come pick you up around 11pm and we'll go to the hotel together" is that ok?" He asked
"What?! You're dropping me for a guy" she joked, her smile hidden, face still buried in his chest.
"Yes like you've done to me 4000 times before!" He replied raising his eyebrows Millie giggled.
"Yeah that's fine, I'll see where he is" said Millie. Pretending to call Dex, she called Jesse.
"Hey, I'm in New York, where do you want me to meet you to?" she asked. Feeling awkward that she hadn't told Ricco what was going on.
"Yeah ok. See you soon" she hung up. Hoping Ricco wouldn't think anything out of the ordinary. She hated lying to him, but it was too complicated to explain, she didn't even really know what she was doing herself.
Millie followed Ricco into the cab,
"Where to Mils?" He asked
"West 46th street please" she replied
The cab dropped her off outside Jesse's apartment block.
"You sure you'll be ok on your own?" asked Ricco,
"Yeah, fine bab, I'll see you later" said Millie.
The cab sped away.
She called Jesse again, not sure where to go
"Hi, I'm outside, I think" she said
"Ok, I'll come down and let you in" he replied
"Is this yours and Cat's apartment?" She asked, nervously
"Not anymore" he replied
She walked towards the door
Jesse opened it a few inches and waved her over.
Millie felt weird meeting Jesse, usually she avoided him at all costs. She felt like she was cheating on Dex and felt very vulnerable alone, knowing how volatile he could be. She hung up the phone and walked towards him wondering if this was a huge mistake! She was nervous, her palms sweaty, she worried she might be walking head first into some kind of trap.
"Hey" she said, approaching him, still weary of him. He was a mess, he had dried blood down his face and his eyes gave the game away, glazed and vacant Millie knew straight away that he was high, he'd also been crying, his eyes red and watery and the dried tear streams were still visible down his cheeks alongside the blood stains. As she got closer she could smell the alcohol on him, then she noticed the blood on his hands.
"Oh my goodness, Jesse what have you done?" She blasted,
"If you've hurt someone I'm not getting involved in this!" Angry, She turned to leave
"I haven't, I haven't!" He shouted, grabbing her by the wrists and pulling her back. This was a mistake she thought.
Realising what he was doing and how scared she looked he quickly let go of her
"Millie look" he attempted to speak softly, she turned back a little and glanced over her shoulder. He was holding out his arms. The blood was coming from him. He had cut his wrists to pieces and was bleeding heavily
"Oh my god Jesse, you need an ambulance!" She began to panic. How did she manage to get mixed up in this! She couldn't deal with this! She had no idea what she was doing. When she was a teenager her then boyfriend cut his wrists, he was taken to hospital, she tried to recall in her mind what the doctors had said and done for him so she could know what to do for Jesse, but she was no doctor, he needed professional help.
"Millie just come up to my apartment please, I'm fine I haven't cut through any arteries, I'll live" he said attempting to soften his voice.
He stumbled as he walked towards the lift, blood still dripping from both wrists.
Millie felt very uneasy, she regretted answering the phone to him last night but reluctantly she followed him into the lift, more worried about what he might do if she didn't follow him. Scared, she never lifted her gaze from the floor.
She wanted to run away, to find Dex, to make someone else have to deal with this, but It was too late she was already mixed up in it.
The lift opened into a huge, really expensive looking apartment, Millie had never seen anything like it. it was even bigger than Ricco's. Millie followed him in, avoiding the trail of blood he was leaving across the white marble floor.
"Jesse sit down, we need to sort out your wrists" said Millie, worried by the amount of blood he was losing.
Millie headed to the kitchen to find something to clean him up, she was sure he needed proper medical attention but it was obvious there was no chance she was going to convince him to go to the hospital.
She found a bowl and some bandages in his cupboard.
Sitting down beside him on the couch she put out her hands and he put his hands in hers. He looked up at her for a few moments, he looked so young, so lost. Millie gave him a sympathetic smile. As she gently cleaned the blood from his wrists with a wet cloth in silence. She was surprised he didn't seem in any pain, his wrists were cut to shreds, touching it had to sting, she assumed whatever substance he'd taken did a pretty good job of masking the pain.
"Why did you do this?" She asked
"Just had enough" replied Jesse, so matter of fact as if it was a totally normal response.
"No you didn't, you told me you hadn't cut through an artery, if you intended to end your life, you knew how to do it, so what's this really about?" Asked Millie, feeling little sympathy for him.
Jesse was silent for a moment,
"It's a release" he said quietly, Millie looked up at him, he looked broken.
"A release for what?" She pushed
"Life, when It gets too hard it calms me down" he admitted. Millie didn't understand his answer, having never felt the need to harm herself she couldn't understand how it could possibly help anyone to feel better, but she tried to accept his answer
"Will Cat be home soon then?" asked Millie, changing the subject and wondering how she was going to explain her being there.
"Nah"
"Cat's gone, I told you last night on the phone" he replied, Millie didn't respond, not knowing quite what he meant by gone.
"I was off my face and fucked a girl in a club again last night, Cat caught me, she packed her stuff and left" said Jesse. He was so matter of fact about it. Millie was shocked, that was a little bit more honesty than she was expecting but she was relieved that Cat had managed to get out of their toxic relationship. She knew it was destructive to both of them and Cat deserved a better life than this.
"Oh" said Millie, feeling awkward. She avoided eye contact and continued cleaning the blood from his wrists.
"When I've cleaned this up and dressed it, if it doesn't stop bleeding you're going to need to go to the hospital" she said, attempting to change the subject.
"Ok" he replied.
She finished wrapping his wrists in bandages and went to tip the water away. Jesse followed her to the kitchen, Millie still felt on edge, like she was waiting for him to flip out about something, knowing he was behind her made her uncomfortable, the way she felt walking down the street alone at night knowing someone was walking behind her. She didn't trust him. She knew he could be dangerous when he wanted to be.
She turned to look at what he was doing out of the corner of her eye. His face was still a mess, bloody, tear stained. She ran the cloth under the tap.
"Come here" she said, she stepped closer to him, avoiding eye contact as she wiped the blood from his face and cleaned him up. All she could think about was the night he went crazy at her in the hotel hallway after bringing a girl back to the hotel. It was the same image looking at her, his same face, but somehow she saw something different this time, she caught his eye just for a moment. Wow she thought, he was beautiful, on the outside, even with his blood and tears he didn't look like Millie imagined a heroin addict to look like, his deep dark eyes were mesmerizing, Millie couldn't help but look at them, there was something really mysterious deep in his eyes, it was like a direct view into his troubled soul. She really wanted to know what he would be like without the drugs and alcohol, to be completely clean. She hoped that was the reason for him being so horrible and that stripped of that he might be different. Or maybe that was wishful thinking.
He looked directly into her eyes, just for a moment and Millie felt her stomach knot. She wasn't sure if it was attraction, the awkwardness of the situation or nerves, still on tenterhooks wondering if she was safe with him or if he was going to flip and hurt her.
She quickly stopped and turned away from him.
Jesse got two cans of Pepsi from the fridge, he grabbed a blanket from the back of the sofa and gestured for Millie to follow him.
He led her to an open window that led onto a roof terrace, as she stepped through onto the terrace she was blown away by the view. The cold night air hit her like and arctic blast but it was worth it for the view. New York by night was beautiful, there were more lights than Millie had ever seen in her life. Millie stood against the wall looking out at the city, wondering where her man was. He was out there somewhere.
Jesse sat down on the rooftop couch and pulled a blanket over himself.
Millie turned around to face him, leaning against her hands against the wall, attempting to keep her hands warm.
"Jess, I don't know why you wanted me here of all people? what can I do to help you? Surely if you think I'm the kind of girl to run to the press with stories, why on earth would you let me in on all this? It doesn't make any sense, there are so many people closer to you that could have helped you" asked Millie
"Cat told me that your mom had cancer?" said Jesse
Millie wasn't expecting that
"Uh, Yeah, she did a couple of years ago, she's in remission now" said Millie
"That's good" said Jesse, Millie didn't have a clue where this was going.
He paused for a moment. All Millie could hear was the faint rumbling of traffic below.
Jesse put his head in his hands and rubbed his face. Sighing heavily he looked up at her.
"My mom not so lucky, her cancer is terminal" he admitted
"Oh" said Millie, feeling like he had told her that before and she'd not fully been listening.
"The doctor said she might have a few months, at best" said Jesse, his voice breaking, Millie knew he was close to tears.
Her heart sank. She'd been through this before and the emotions of when her mom was given her diagnosis all came flooding back to her. She felt her eyes begin to water too, she finally began to understand why he did the things he did. He was clearly drowning in problems and trying to numb himself to all of the pain he was going through.
"Oh Jess" she said, her voice quivered.
She walked over to him and sat down on the couch beside him.
He was quiet for a moment before lifting his head from his hands.
"I'm torn. Do I stay in this band and pay for her to get better treatment, or do I quit, go home and be with her for whatever time she has left?" he asked, a single tear rolled down his cheek.
His tormented life began to make much more sense.
Millie had no idea what she could possibly say to make it any better. Truth was, she couldn't. She knew better than anyone that there was absolutely nothing she could do to make this situation any better for him.
"Oh, that's a tough decision, I don't know Jess" said Millie, sympathetically, she wasn't close enough to him to help make that decision and realistically she had no idea what the right thing to do was.
His tears had become more frequent now, he struggled to wipe them away with his bandaged hands.
Millie took hold of his hand and pulled it away from his face, using her other hand to gently wipe away his tears, he hunched over, leaning his elbows on his knees he put his face in his hands and began to sob. Millie put a hand on his back, not sure what to do.
"I've not told anyone about my mom, i thought maybe you'd understand, after Cat told me about your mom" he said, his voice shakey.
"I know what you're going through Jess but numbing yourself from the pain with drugs and alcohol isn't the answer, you're gonna get kicked out of the band soon and then that's decision made for you or worse you'll kill yourself" said Millie rubbing his back.
"Maybe that's better.. I'll go with her" Jesse sobbed
"No, Jess, that's not the answer, she would want you to live, to make the most of your life" Said Millie
For the first time ever she saw someone else sat beside her. She wasn't looking at Jesse the jerk, she was looking at a man, a beautiful heartbroken man at complete and utter rock bottom. In that moment she'd forgotten all about Dex, and pretty much everything else in her life.
She moved in closer to him and put her arm around him, pulling his head into her chest, he let go, sobbing his heart out. Perhaps this is what he needed thought Millie, just to cry, let out all of the emotion he'd kept bottled up.
She began to understand why he had opened up to her maybe it was easier for him to do this with her rather than someone close to him, perhaps he didn't want those close to him to know he was struggling, or to see him cry, he had a reputation, she understood that and it all began to piece together in her mind. He could be cruel to her in public, he could pretend he didn't like her, he could keep up his tough image and no one would ever know or believe he'd cried to her, it was another of his games, but one that Millie felt she needed to let him win.
"Jesse, you will get through this, I promise and I'm here for you" she said
After a few minutes Jesse pulled himself together and sat up,
"I'm sorry Millie" he said
"You can go, I'll be ok, I'm sure you're desperate to see Dexter" said Jesse, embarrassed that he'd let his hard man image be reduced to nothing in front of her.
"He can wait" she smiled
"I want to be here" she added. That wasn't entirely true but she knew Jesse needed her more than Dex did right now. Jesse smiled it wasn't often anyone put him above Dex.
He exhaled deeply and pulled himself together seeming to relax a little, laying back against the back of the couch, he looked up at the sky. He gestured for Millie to do the same, holding up his blanket for her to get under. Millie was wary, with his reputation for cheating she wondered what his intentions were. She wasn't sure and he could tell she was reluctant. He rolled his eyes with a faint smile.
"Dex is my best friend" said Jesse, sensing her hesitation
She sat down on the couch next to him and he pulled the blanket up over her legs. Millie looked up at the night sky, it would have been lovely to have done this with Dex she thought.
"So, if you're going to be around a lot maybe we should get to know each other a little, if you want?" Said Jesse, this was a weird new side of him, thought Millie.
"Ok" replied Millie. She felt a little bit weird being so close to him, the couch wasn't that big, and it was cold forcing them to huddle together a little, thighs touching, he was much closer than she was comfortable with.
They began to talk. Millie told him about her family, about her friendship with Ricco, her job and about how she first met Dex, She was surprised that Jesse seemed so interested in her life when he hadn't paid her the slightest bit of interest since the moment they met. It was becoming clear to Millie that the hard man was an act, a coping mechanism, a way to get through it all.
He talked about his family, about his younger sister Natalie, a professional gymnast, about how his dad died when he was 14 which got him into the drugs, about how when his Mom does go, he worried about Natalie being alone whilst he was on the road.
They talked for a couple of hours about everything, Jesse hadn't laughed so much in so long, Millie was pleased to see him smile. If that's all she was able to do for him, it was something.
It fell silent for a moment, Jesse looked over at her, Millie could see him staring out of the corner of her eye, she was nervous, if it was Dex she knew he would be about to lean in and kiss her but it wasn't Dex staring at her. She felt something, some kind of chemistry between them, maybe it was just the shared experience of having gone through having a parent with cancer but whatever it was she suddenly felt nervous, a lump in her throat made it hard for her to swallow. Jesse looked at her in a way she'd never seen before. No matter how gorgeous he was and how perfect the moment would have been there was no way she was going down that road. Cheating on Dex wasn't an option. Certainly not with Jesse!
Her heart began to race, painfully thumping against her rib cage.
"I'm honestly sorry for all the shitty things I've said to you. It's mostly the drink and drugs talking, but I am sorry" he seemed sincere
Millie just smiled, still very wary of him, she didn't trust him, he was so Jekyll and Hyde she never knew when he was sincere or if it was just another one of his mind games.
"Dex is a lucky man" said Jesse, smiling. Breaking her out of her thoughts
"If he wasn't my best friend..." Jesse laughed, stopping short of finishing that sentence.
"Jesse, stop!" she groaned playfully. Millie was beginning to feel really uncomfortable, she wanted to walk away, but didn't want it to seem like she was walking out on him, he needed someone to be there for him right now and she worried leaving would push him back over the edge.
I'm sorry" he laughed, looking her in the eye his expression changed to serious, he took her hand in his.
"I'm really grateful that you came here tonight" he said, gently rubbing her hand in a circular motion with his thumb.
Millie felt panicked as his touch forced a shiver to navigate through her entire body making her body jolt in response. All that was going through her head was this isn't cheating but she knew she should have told Dex, he would never have minded her being there, but the lie was done she'd already gone behind his back and potentially made an innocent situation look anything but.
"Fuck" she muttered almost silently as she exhaled deeply as her mind began to see him differently, there was an undeniable physical attraction
Jesse laughed, just about catching it
"Are you ok?" He asked
"I don't know!" she replied. Rubbing her face with her hand. She felt like her thoughts alone had really over stepped a mark, despite not doing anything with Jesse it felt like they had a secret now which made her feel like a liar, a cheat, like there was no undoing it.
"Come on let's go inside now, it's obviously getting cold out here" he laughed, knowing full well that his touch had caused her to shiver.