subconsciously, i started searching for your shadows everywhere i could lay my eyes on, started wishing your presence was around when you weren't there. subconsciously, i started holding my gaze on you a little bit longer so you wouldn't disappear from my sight. subconsciously, i started longing that i was there by your side.
wished i could be by your side.
what am i thinking these days? why does my mind keep forming the image of eddy recently?
is it because i like him—
no! no way brett! you're straight as a pole! you wouldn't fall for just any random boy right?
but the thing is... he's not just some random boy. not just any random boy.
there's something about him that makes my heart leap just a little whenever he enters the hall. was it the way he smiles? was it the way he laughs? was it the way he talks? was it the way he stands?
omg brett you've got to stop these feelings whatever it is.
what would he think of me?
i can't let him know that...
on second thought, what am I even afraid of him knowing?
why would he even like someone like me? i'm so ugly and boring, who'd want to be with me? definitely not him. he's better being without me. that encounter definitely won't leave even a scar on his mind unlike mine which is already covered with fragments of him. besides... he's definitely not bisexual like me.
yes, definitely not.
time to practice.
but how can i practice without playing every note sounding like your voice? how can i practice without playing every chord like your laughter? how can i practice without playing every phrase like your chatter? how can i practice my songs if i kept playing it like how i'll play it to you even though i know clearly i can't?
how can I practice without feeling remorse of my unrequited love for you?
how can i practice without hearing your duets that flow with my melodies so perfectly even though it is so inexistent?
how can i play the violin without your presence?
it was nightfall and i did not touch my violin at all. i merely buried my head under the blanket under the stars overhead, to sleep, with your face forming between the shimmering stars.