CARLIN
My eyes flutter open and are hit with the stare of blue and green gems. Jake kisses my nose and runs the back of his hand down my cheek affectionately. "Good morning my love." Nuzzling my head back into him, he turns to face me and grips my thigh to bring it up over his hip. I suck in a cool breath through my teeth and squeeze my eyes shut. " I'm sorry, baby. Did I hurt you?" Concern laces his face and I giggle, shaking my head.
"No, Jay. No. After last night, I'm just a little sore." Incredibly, deliciously sore. The first night of rough passionate sex happened my first day back to work two weeks ago. I'm not ashamed I turned Jake's jealousy into something we could both enjoy. Since then I've been out to lunch with Jonah again multiple times. Sure Ginger, and occasionally Gavin, is there too but I don't bring that up and he doesn't ask. He insists Jonah is set to get in my pants but I highly doubt it. He's new here and doesn't have anyone. Also he's my shadow. There's no way to not be around the guy and we happen to have a lot in common.
"Shit, Sweets. I didn't even think about how it would affect the baby. Am I too rough? Am I hurting you guys?" The concern is joined by panic as he sits up and rubs my abdomen. "I'm so sorry little one. Only gentle with my Mommy from now on."
"As much as I love when you're tender and gentle with me, don't you dare say that. I need my rough and I need it just as often as my gentle." Sitting up as well, I place my hand on top of his. " You aren't hurting it I swear. Its way too small to even notice its happening and if it can survive a car crash it can survive the beating you give me between my legs with your dick."
He smiles and kisses my lips delicately. " Mmmmm in that case we should repeat last night as soon as possible." I'm ready all over again with just his words. Last night he took me over the desk, against the wall and a third time in bed after a cat nap.
"As amazing as that sounds, my body is way too sore for that so soon." Sliding out of bed, I grab a pair of undergarments and skinny jeans from the dresser. "Besides, we both have to go get some work done before our appointment after lunch. Do you want to get lunch together and then head over?" Picking out one of his t-shirts that actually looks like it fits me, I throw it on and comb my fingers through my hair.
" Don't want to get lunch with your precious shadow today?" He tosses the blanket aside and I have to bite my lip at the sight of his naked body.
"Why would I need my shadow when I can have your lovesick puppy dog face across from me?" I smile lovingly and stop him from entering the closet when he only has boxers and suit pants on. " You know I'm yours, Jay. All of me is yours. I have my soreness to prove it." I run my hand down his firm and sculpted chest dipping my fingers into the front of his pants.
Inhaling sharply, he tilts his head to the ceiling and takes ahold of my wrists. " You're going to kill me one day. You're way too fucking sexy for your own good. That's why I have to spank you so much." Kissing my pulse on each wrist, he heads to the closet for a fresh dress shirt and jacket. " I didn't know you were allowed to wear that to work?"
" Tumel felt like we needed some motivation even though we've never had a bad issue since they opened. Dress down Fridays. At least I get to wear some of my favorite clothes. Which is really just any of yours." I pick up my new messenger bag I forgot Reggie had gotten me for my birthday and head out the bedroom door. " I got the kids if you get breakfast."
***
Thank God it's now nearly lunch. This morning was so chaotic. I much prefer to be home writing but that privilege is only reserved for the injured like I was or the insanely good writers who have proven, over years, that they barely even need an editor anymore because their work is so perfect. If I wasn't only here for half a day today I'd probably go home sick after lunch.
" Damn, I knew you looked good in business attire but I think you rock the casual even better." Jonah chuckles as he approaches. "Hey, do you want to go get lunch? I was thinking of that diner you mentioned before, Marge's." He perches on the edge of my desk and places his pen securely above his ear. He's a rather thin guy for average height but he's not altogether bad looking. His hair is inky black and falls just to his shoulders. Golden honey eyes and a square jaw make him not so hard to look at but he is no way Jake. Not even close in comparison.
"Can't sorry. I have plans and then I have an appointment after so I don't even think I'm coming back for the rest of the day. Thank Jesus it's Friday." I can spend the rest of my weekend at home with my babies and my man. Nothing better than that.
"Hmm well. Maybe we should go to dinner sometime if you'd like. I'll even pay for your babysitter." My motions pause for a second before continuing to pack up my things. Did he just ask me out? Of course Jake was right. He's going to get such a big head over this when I tell him later.
"That would sound great but I'm actually meeting my boyfriend and father of my children for lunch today." He stands tall a little caught off guard. " Sorry I thought you knew. I talk about Jake all the time."
"Don't be sorry. It's my fault. I thought jake was one of your kids. I didn't see a ring and I assumed if their father was still around he would have you locked down by now. There's no way I'd be with a woman like you for that long without making sure you were permanently mine." Bringing my bag strap to my shoulder and sliding my phone in my back pocket I give an awkward smile.
"Yeah, well, we've been through a lot. Maybe one day we'll get married. If I let him." It sounds like a joke but we have so much farther to go that It's actually true. He eyes my face before taking his pen back out.
"No harm no foul. I still would love being your friend. Hard to find too many new ones when everyone in a small town is set in their groups already. I came in a bit late for that." He laughs nervously and looks down at his shuffling feet before touching my arm in a friendly gesture. " Better make sure he's doing you right though. Or I might just have to steal ya."
"Will do." I watch him walk off and breath a sigh of relief as I make my way out front for Jake to pick me up. He most definitely needs to make sure he treats me right. He pulls any of his old shit again I don't know if I could handle life anymore.
***
We're on the elevator to the third floor of the office building my OBGYN is and I have yet to mention Jonah asking me out to dinner. All through lunch I kept trying to figure out when the best time was to bring it up but I couldn't. Now we are in a closed elevator and once we get out of these doors and enter the office then he can't possibly be irritated anymore.
"So Jonah asked me out to dinner today after complimenting my looks in your shirt." I don't look at him but I can feel his eyes on me. " I obviously turned him down." Rocking on the balls of my heels I try to look calm. I'm exactly sure how he'll react.
" I don't want you working with him anymore. He shouldn't be asking you anything. I knew it. I knew he wanted you, I mean who wouldn't. Look at you. How'd he not know you're unavailable. Did you tell him you're single?" My mouth drops open in offense and I gape over at him.
"Seriously? I can't not work with him. I need my job and he was really cool when I turned him down. He assumed I was single because the twins are going to be five and I'm not even engaged. I'm not engaged anymore that is. I've talked about you, of course, but I don't have a label on my forehead that says Jake's on it." He goes from angry to guilty the minute I mention our previous engagement. I didn't mean to hurt him but it's true and entirely his fault we arent married right now. This pregnancy would have been happening a lot closer to their birth than it is if he hadn't done what he did.
The elevator dings and I take his hand as I navigate the hallway toward our destination. He's silent the whole time I check in and sit down next to him waiting for my name to be called. Browsing a magazine, he hasn't looked up once. But I can tell he's still hurt. We're called back by a nurse and my vitals are taken after I give a so much fun urine sample. They really really need bigger cups.
"The doctor will be in in just a moment." The nurse leaves the room and I look over at Jake who's been staring mostly at the floor.
" Hey. Are you going to talk to me or just sit over there and sulk while we check on our baby. The alone parent thing is not something I want to do again and if you aren't going to speak that's essentially what it is." When he doesn't respond I stare at the door. Why the fuck are we even doing this is he can't deal with his own mistakes? I'm not apologizing for what he did to us.
" It's really difficult sometimes to look at you when I think about what I've done." He scoots his chair closer to the table and takes my hand. " It kills me knowing we could have been a family all of these years and now we have to pay the price for my indiscretions. I'm sorry, Sweets. I'm so sorry."
"Now isn't the time to get into it. We just have a lot to catch up on I guess. Starting with diaper changes. You can make it up to me by doing as many as possible. Better get to practicing now." I smile trying to ease the tension but he still looks a little off. "What else is going on in your head?"
"I... You did this by yourself last time and you did an amazing job with the twins. I just don't know if I'll be good enough. What if the baby is screaming and I'm rocking and burping and I just don't know what to do? What if I put the diaper on backwards? What if I ... what if i end up like my parents?" The parents comment throws me a little but I cup his chin and lift his face to mine.
" From what I've heard, your parents weren't all that bad and there's plenty of stuff you can do wrong as a parent. You wouldn't be the first of us to make a mistake. You care, you're here and you're trying. That's really all I could ask for. All the baby could ask for. Love is the best thing to have in your arsenal." He seems swayed a little by my words but not exactly happy right now.
" When they were babies they looked exactly alike. If you couldn't see in their diapers you really couldn't tell which was which. As their mother I thought I'd know instantly and have zero problems telling them apart. But really, until they gained personalities and hair, you pretty much had to guess. I tried to dress them as gender stereotypical as possible which you know for me is not something I would really do. One day Allen got them dressed for me so I could jump in the shower. Seeing as they were in diapers he assumed the left was Alaina and the right was Asher. I happened to subconsciously lay them down in the same spots all the time. We went to Mama's with everyone there doting over them and cooing at them and not one person noticed anything wrong. I went to change who I thought was Asher's diaper and it turned out not be him but his partner in crime." Laughing together I can feel the tension easing the rest of the way. " See I made mistakes. It happens. But I made it. They're happy and healthy because I loved them and tried my best. You're going to be amazing with this little one. You just have to let yourself be."
JAKE
A middle aged man in a white coat knocks on the cracked open door before entering. " Ahh Carlin Rahal. Back before your yearly I see. Much better reason to be here too." He gives her a practiced smile before extending a hand to me. " You must be the lucky father. I'm Dr. Sewall." I shake it but remain seated.
" All three are mine." Not exactly sure why my mouth thought that was a great thing to respond with. A simple nice to meet you would have been great. Why the hell am I so anxious right now? Oh yeah because I'm fucking terrified I'm going to somehow fuck everything up and not get the opportunity to see this baby grow up either.
He doesn't seem phased by my outburst and just nods me off. "Well I can see here you were in an accident but Dr. Anderson didn't see anything wrong with the baby. That should put you at about 11 or so weeks judging by the accident date. We can double check that today."
The amount of questions she gets asked is overwhelming. I hadn't realized there were so many symptoms. Of course I knew there was morning sickness. But I had no idea that its not actually designated to only the morning. Some women get such severe morning sickness they have to take medicine for it. There's things like swelling and gestational diabetes and preeclampsia which I had him explain to me because how could I even guess that. I learned Sweets actually lost weight with the twins at first because of her nausea. That she gave birth naturally with no medicine the week before her scheduled c-section. And don't get me started on thinking about how scary it'd be to see her cut open during a c-section. The twins were jaundice but otherwise extremely healthy for slightly premature babies.
My mind is reeling from hearing so much information that's entirely new to me. Information about my own girl and kids that I hadnt known before because of a stupid decision I made.
"Before we do the ultrasound and listen to the heart beat do you have any questions? I know youve done this before but there could be something new. Jake, what about you?"
"So her headaches are normal? She can take some extra iron with her prenatals and they'll stop?" Walking over to a drawer, he pulls it open and pulls out a pamphlet on iron deficiencies. I look over the cover and put it on top of the other papers the nurse gave us when we came in. " And uhmm... sex... I know its okay but like... rough sex?"
Carlin's eyes bug out of her head and she quickly covers her face. I hear her mutter a curse under her breath. I just really want to know. Dr. Sewall laughs a bit before answering. At least he finds this amusing. " It's perfectly safe. As long as no one's losing consciousness and you aren't actively beating her the baby can withstand it almost until the end. Now mother's comfortability is important as well."
The goofy grin that spreads across my face is something I probably should have hidden. " Thanks. She told me it was fine but I just wanted to make sure."
" Now if you'll lie back and pull up your shirt and lower your pants a little. You will probably have to unbutton them as well." Sweets sees my judgemental eyes on him and touches my arm shaking her head.
"The gel is a little warm so be aware but once I start it shouldn't be hard to find your little one. If anything hurts let me know." The wand is swirled in the gel and brought closer to her pelvis. The room has a screen on the wall in front of us so we can see everything that he sees. " There they are." They? What the fuck? They? Sure enough two little babies pop up on the screen. How? " Looks like the same sac so they'll most likely be identical. We obviously won't be able to tell their gender until later on but congrats. Your family of four is going to be a family of six." He pushes a few more buttons on the ultrasound machine and two tiny little heartbeats play. My eyes go cloudy and I know I'm going to cry and I dont give a shit. It's a second chance. It's like getting to start from the beginning.
"How could they not see this before? I have the picture. There was only one there and that seems too late for a split." She doesn't sound happy. She sounds frantic and scared.
" Sometimes they hide. They lay next to their sibling and their heartbeats are so small at the time you can't tell. Sometimes they even sync their heart beats." Finishing up the appointment we head back to the waiting room so Carlin can make her next appointment for a month from now.
She's completely silent the whole way home. It's kind of funny. I came into this the quiet, scared, panicked one and now that's exactly how she seems.When we walk in the front door she goes straight to the bathroom and locks the door.
"Sweets... Sweets... Please let me in. We can talk about whatever's wrong." I knock a few more times but she doesn't budge. " Look I know it's scary having two again but if you think about it, it'll be easier because we can each take one on at a time. Everything won't be all on you. We can move somewhere bigger and I'll pay most of the bills if you want. If the biggest issue in moving was money I'm here now. You know how much I make and how much I already have." Silence. It's still just silence.
After fifteen more minutes the lock clicks and she opens the door slowly. I move aside but follow her into the bedroom and she slides off her jeans and lays in bed. Taking off the remainder of my suit, I grab a pair of basketball shorts and lay down behind her to pull her into my chest. " Baby I'm here. I just need to know whats wrong."
" Seeing those two little people on the screen scared the shit out of me. It brought me back to the last time I had seen such a similar ultrasound. Dread filled me and The tiniest little voice that's usually so quiet I can't hear it came to the front of my mind and screamed he's going to run. As much as I know money wouldn't be a problem with us getting a place together, I can't. I can't sign a mortgage for a house with you that I could get stuck with at any moment. Please just don't say you're sorry. I've heard you say it but it's still not going to change the fact that I can't fully trust you. I need time, Jake. We need to keep figuring things out until I know you aren't leaving. Until then, I can't take anymore steps." There's nothing I can say to that. Everything she said is right. She doesnt know for sure. Just because I say it doesn't erase the past. All I can do at this moment is hold her.