I wake up suddenly, so suddenly that for a split second I forget that I’m not in my own bed in my own house. I’m in a small double bed in Newcastle. I’m hanging off the end, I’m sure if I was to move just a bit I’d fall out and hit the cluttered floor because I’m squeezed in one bed with a fidgety three year old and Cheryl. They both have more than enough room. Paisley’s lying on her back, her heads to the side and one arm is tucked up holding her closed fist to her cheek and her other arm is stretched out over my chest. It’s not still dark but it’s not yet light. The open blinds send a greyish blue wash across the small room. The sheets are cold and crisp, I think Joan must have washed them before we came over on Friday because I can still smell the unfamiliar soap powder clinging to the fabric. I sit up slightly seeing if there’s any room to move over but unfortunately not. Even with the lack of room and my bare arms being teased by the cold. I can’t help the smile growing on my face. If my phone was in reach I would definitely snap a quick picture to cherish this moment for as long as I can. Cheryl’s still fast asleep. She’s on her side with her arm draped over Paisley and her face is lost in her long blonde locks. I have no room but she has no sheets, Paisley must have tugged them over and Cheryl’s just put up with it. She has her natural pout going on, her dark eyelashes are spilling onto her skin creating black shadows making them look darker and longer then they are, I didn’t even think that was possible.
I decide to get up. I carefully remove Paisley’s arm from on top of me and I swing my legs out the bed. I sit up and carefully peel the covers back over Paisley before running my hand over her forehead taking her hair with it. She has the cutest little snore, it’s more of a breathe but it’s still adorable. I go over to the window and stare out of it. It’s not a view I’d choose to remember but it’s not one Cheryl could ever forget. The street lights have just gone off. The whole street is lifeless. Every window from every house is pitch black apart from one over the road pouring out a yellow light. I find myself wondering who lives there and why they are up so early. They might look over here see me stood here and wonder the exact same thing. I pull my hair up and find my long cardigan somewhere under the large amount of clothes on the carpeted floor. I pull it on and head downstairs but not before I give my two girls in the bed a smile that they can’t see.
“Sorry did I wake you?” My eyes adjust to the newly found light in the kitchen and I see Joan stood by the open back door with a cigarette sat limply between her thin fingers.
“No of course not. I was practically falling off the bed with those two up there hogging all the space” She chuckles and turns back around to stare into the darkness. She’s wearing a pair of childish pyjamas. Not the kind Cheryl wears. These are long. The top is pink and the pants are a matching colour with little white sheep dancing up and down the legs. I shouldn’t laugh but I do quietly despite pressing my lips together.
“The next time you all come I’ll have another bed for Pai, she can’t be squashed between you two lazy lumps can she?”
“Lazy? Eh!” I laugh and she turns around with a smirk.
“But really. I’m going to have to get her a sofa bed or something to put in the room. I hope I see more of you all. Its murder having Paisley so far away. Even though through blood she isn’t, she’s me granddaughter and I want to see her grow up. Every time I see her I find that she’s so much more grown up and I’ve missed out on so much, skype calls just aren’t enough”
“I know, She misses you too and don’t we all know it! We’re going to have to make more of an effort to come down and you know you’re always welcome at ours. You and Garry”
“I know ,Pet. It’s just hard isn’t it? You have family there, I have family here. It’s nothing less than a shit situation” I laugh at her foul language and the wooden door behind me creaks. Cheryl comes shuffling through. She’s put on a large navy sweatshirt that her hands are hidden in. She’s squinting her eyes trying to see in the light and when I came down I did just the same thing.
“Why didn’t I get an invite to this early morning party?” She yawns into her hand and drags her bare feet across the kitchen to put her arm around my waist. I pull her into me and i kiss her head. She’s shaking and Joan notices so stumps out the end of her unfinished cigarette and flicks it into the garden that doesn’t look like it had a good gardening in years and years.
“Well I could sleep because of you two up there shoving me off the end of the bed and I didn’t want to wake you. You looked very cold but comfortable with that cute little pout of yours” I squeeze her cheeks and kiss her lips that I’ve pushed together.
“Ugh get off us” She grumbles playfully pushing me off her. Her mums just stood watching us smiling from ear to ear. I have never noticed how alike their smiles are until now. She really is her mother’s double. I think I look like my mum but nowhere near as much as Cheryl looks like Joan. Garry is the same, they are all the spitting image of each other. It must be the Callaghan gene. “I was very, very cold actually and I’m sure Paisley punched me in the face a few times, accidently obviously but still those little fists fucking hurt”
“Aww bless you” I kiss her again much to her amusement. Joans still smiling. It looks like her smile isn’t going to fade, well not anytime soon and it only grows when Paisley comes bouncing through the door on the balls of her feet. Her dummys hanging out the side of her mouth and her blanket that’s now a dirty white is draped over her shoulder. She goes straight passed me and Cheryl and straight into Joans awaiting arms. It looks like I’ve woken the whole house up, I only came down for a quick coffee. “Are you alright, Paisley?” I ask and she nods her head before laying it on Joan’s chest. Her hairs like a mop around her face. Her eyes aren’t open long before her eyelashes bat against her porcelain skin.
“I’m tired”
“I was just telling your Mummy that the next time you come here you’ll have your own bed. No more sharing with stinky Mummy and Mammy. What do you think about that, eh?”
“Can I have Mickey sheets?” She asks tilting her head and Joan nods before kissing her forehead.
“You can have absolutely anything you want”
“A horse?”
“Apart from that” Joan laughs and Cheryl smiles tightening her arm around me. “She’s definitely like her mam isn’t she? She was asking us for a ‘real’ sparkly necklace yesterday. I’d watch it. Now it’s Mickey mouse and frozen but soon it’s soon going to be diamond earrings and designer bags she’s demanding” She jokes and Paisley’s eyes widen.
“I need new earrings”
“And me and your Mum will get you some but not diamond ones you little monkey; I think she thinks she’s North West, Blue Ivy or something”
“She’s better than that, she’s the Paisley Walsh a fashionista in the making! I wish you didn’t have to go today”
“Me too but Amy is waiting for us, Before we go I’ll fill you in on our Christmas plans that’s if you still want to come to ours?”
“Of course I do, Christmas is all about family isn’t it? Im looking forward to it”
***
“I miss nana Joan” Paisley whines. I don’t respond because it’s all that I have heard since we said our very long goodbyes back in Newcastle. It’s all we heard while driving home. I keep telling her that we will see her soon but it makes no difference she never listens, she never does. I have her tiny hand in mine and I’m pulling her behind me through the front door of my parents’ house while Cheryl locks the car door then jogs towards us.
“Mum, it’s just me!” I call as I enter the house. I was expecting someone to reply but I hear not a word. Well besides from Paisley chatting comically to Cheryl beside me. I go into the living room before even taking my shoes off. The first thing I see is Amy slumped on the sofa. She has her legs tucked under herself and she’s fast asleep. Her own arm is draped over the arm of the long sofa and she has her head resting on it. She’s actually made an effort with her hair today not like the last time I had seen her. It was just simply brushed but today she has the front braided neatly and she’s actually put a bit of makeup on too. Cheryl’s making a ‘aww’ noise as she looks at her and I laugh silently shaking my head. It reminds me of when she was little. She’d always fall asleep on the sofa in front of the TV. The TV in fact is still on. The sound is blaring from it, its showing some boring early evening quiz show that I must have seen a thousand times but never really liked. The lit up screen is illuminating the near dark room. It’s wasting electricity so I get the remote control and turn it off. I’m turning into my mum more and more with each day. She always used to shout at me and my other three siblings for leaving it on when we weren’t watching it. We were never watching it but then complained when she’d turn it off.
“Where’s your mum?” Cheryl whispers to me, she’s talking quietly trying not to be too loud to wake up my sleeping sister. She’s under a thin cream blanket. She looks quite happy slumped there. I shrug my shoulders and turn to Cheryl genuinely having no clue where she is. Where anyone is for that matter. It feels like now when I come here the life that once was here is gone. I rarely see Adam, Sally is always working and my mum and dad are always gone. It’s totally different to when I lived here. I hate it.
“Where’s Paisley?” I ask noticing she’s wandered back out the room and it’s a good job she did too. I know what she’s like. Especially today. I don’t think Amy would still be asleep if Paisley was in the room. So we go into the kitchen and surprise surprise that’s where she is. She’s sat on the cluttered kitchen counter in front of my mum who has her yellow washing basket under her arm. It’s piled with clothes. That can be expected with five people all living under the same roof. She hears me come in and turns around. A fake smiles plastered between her cheeks.
“I didn’t hear you come in love, I was getting the washing. How are you two?” She asks hugging me and then Cheryl.
“I’m great, we’ve just got back haven’t we Kimba?”
“We have…” Paisley is sat on the counter still. She’s got a look of frustration mixed with confusion on her face .Its adorably funny as she fiddles with a sweet between her hands. She’s struggling with the glossy white paper its wrapped in so Cheryl takes it from her and unwraps the sugary sweet. “Did you say thank you to nana?” I ask her but she doesn’t respond. She’s in one of those moods and don’t I know it. I’ve been stuck in a car with her for hours where the only thing keeping her entertained was the radio she had no interest in and my phone loaded with her favourite games. Of course she soon got bored of that and at one point even tried throwing it out of the window while we were moving. She’s been a nightmare. “Well have you?” I ask again but she doesn’t answer, she just reaches for the sweet and my mum rubs her head.
“Its fine, how was Newcastle?”
“It was good, it’s nice to see me family. I think Kim’s glad to be home though aren’t you?”
“Even though I love your family too i am glad to be back” I smile but the tension in the room is still thick. Near unbearable. As the saying goes ‘you could cut it with a knife’ I’m not happy with my Mum. I need to talk to her about the whole Amy situation and how bad she’s dealing with it. I don’t know when the right time is to talk to her about it, is there even a right time? She’s my mother I shouldn’t even have to have a word with her about it all. She’s the parent, it’s like we have switched roles and I’m hoping she’s going to sort herself out soon. I’m sick of this. My dad is noticeably missing from the house but i don’t question where he is. I don’t really care if I’m honest. “Hows everything here? I spoke to Amy on the phone yesterday she sounded much better then she was”
My Mum just mutters something under breath and avoids the question completely. She lifts Paisley down from the counter and onto the tiled floor as she begin to act herself trying to stand up and walk along it. Cheryl just looks from me to her. She knows what I’m thinking and before I ask my mum again what’s been happening I catch Paisley’s hand before she goes to run out of the door. “You have to be quiet, don’t wake Amy up” She just scowls at me and she snatches her hand back before running out the door.
“She’s still being a handful then?”
“You never told me about Amy”
“What’s there to say? I was actually wanting to have a word with you. I know you’re only trying to help but you’re doing the opposite. Filling her head with rubbish isn’t going to do her any good”
“Filling her head with rubbish?” I repeat and Cheryl tries to make her excuses to leave but I make her stay. “What do you mean by that?”
“What do you think I mean Kimberley? You might have wanted to ruin your life but I don’t want the same for Amy and if she has this baby that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Just look at you. You don’t have a proper job, you’re run ragged and Paisley is a nightmare”
“Right, I’m in your house and you’re the mother of me girlfriend so I’m going to bite me tongue but don’t ever speak about me daughter like that again” Cheryl speaks up with a look of disgust on her face. I can feel anger, disappointment and resentment all bubbling inside me making a achy feeling settle in the pit of my stomach. I go to speak but don’t have to. I don’t get the chance. Amy’s voice comes from behind me. It’s cold but confident. She’s standing up for what she feels strongly about.
“See this is what I have to put up with. This is the reason I wish I could come and live with you and never come back. This is my baby mum, this is my life and there’s nothing you can say that’s going to change my mind about what I’m doing. Don’t even start on Kimberley, what would you know about Paisley anyways? You’re only grandmother of the year when it suits you”
“Amy its fine-“
“No Kim it’s not, look” She extends her arm to a cheap bottle of wine stood abandoned on the kitchen table. “She’s been at it again, What makes her think she can give me any advice when at the first sign of trouble she’s throwing alcohol down her neck like it’s going out of fashion?”
Mum is just stood there with a hand on her head. She reaches for my arm but I move away. “Howay pet, let’s go in the living room. You still have your appointment to tell us about. Kimberley’s been buzzing, we can’t wait to hear about it all” Cheryl says to Amy turning around and walking with her into the other room. I look at my mum stood against the counter.
“I didn’t mean wh-“
“I tell you what mum, I’m actually proud of Amy and I don’t know how she’s putting up with this day in and day out. You should be supporting her and letting her know everything is going to be alright instead of jumping down her throat and trying to pursued her to do something she doesn’t want to at every chance you get. Stop being so selfish for Christ sake, it hardly surprising that she wants to come and live with me and Cheryl is it?”
“Well maybe she should! I’m sick of this, take her!” My mum finally snaps. She marches out the kitchen and into the living room where Amy is sat laughing with Cheryl. She barges in and the door hits of the wall bouncing back into her but she catches it and carries of ranting. “Amy if you want to go with Kimberley so bad, GO! Just get out all of you”
“What?” Amy’s eyes have widened. She looks like an animal ready to run. “Are you throwing me out?”
“All of you, get your stuff and go. I won’t tell you again”
*
For about the millionth time since arriving at the restaurant I glance up at Amy. I look at her sat beside Paisley on heavy wooden chairs giggling with each other as they look down at Paisley’s colouring set that the waiter has just gave her. It’s remarkable that she’s smiling. Despite just being thrown out of her home for no fault of her own and despite things just seeming to get more and more worse for her as time goes on she’s still smiling and it amazes me. She amazes me. I keep looking up at, her checking if she’s okay and of course she is. Well she seems to be. We’re in a fancy restaurant that Cheryl has brought us too. After travelling all day and then coming home to move Amy in none of us really felt like cooking and can you blame us? I’d much rather be here anyways. The rooms candle lit. Glowing orange. Well-spoken people are dotted around the food scented room chatting to each other over a glass vase of small pink flowers and flickering heavenly smelling candles. I don’t know what kind they are. Pancies, maybe? But Amy and Paisley are the only children here and it’s not surprising, it’s just past half nine. I called Amy a child forgetting that inside her is her own child. She’s not my kid sister anymore although I’ll always see her as that even when she’s grown up and got place of her own. The walls are red bricked, all the art on the canvases hanging around the room are black and white. I like it here; it has a nice relaxed feel to it. It’s probably down to the low music humming away in the background.
“You should be proud of her” Cheryl whispers to me. Her warm breath tickling my neck as she leans into my side. Her hands resting idly on my thigh under the table and I can smell the wine on her breath from the glass of deep red liquid she’s just taken a sip of.
“Trust me, I am” I smile back at her and carry on smiling as I look back at Amy. Amy looks up. She notices us both looking at her and smiling. She laughs awkwardly and raises her eyebrow.
“What are you looking at me like that for?”
“No reason, I’m sure your mum will come around to ours in the morning full of apologies”
“I don’t care, I don’t want her to. I don’t want to go back Kimberley. I like it with the both of you. Anyways, my bedroom with an en-suite and the huge TV downstairs is better than my box room at home that I have to share with my annoying sister and the small TV downstairs that everyone fights over. It’s not every day you move in with Cheryl Cole, my friends will be so jel!” She’s laughing and Cheryl does too even know she hates the use of ‘Cole’. I chuckle and Paisley looks up. Her eyes are glowing, they are reflecting the orange flame sat between us.
“Amy’s living with us?”
“She is and she can stay as long as she wants” Paisley punches the air with both fists. She has always favoured Amy out of all of my siblings. I’m not sure why but she has and I’ve always found it unbelievably cute. She loves her aunty and I can tell just by the way Amy interacts with Paisley she feels the same. She lets out a shout displaying her happiness and Cheryl quickly hushes her trying to get her to be quite before these stuck up people around us with their noses in the air find a reason to complain. We got the odd stare but it’s nothing. Paisley just giggles into her hands finding it funny that she’s causing a scene in a seemingly dead environment. There is no atmosphere, I feel like this is the sort of place you would meet a client for a chat over an expensive bottle of chilled chardonnay. I’m feeling out of place in my skinny blue jeans and plain top, everyone around us is in fancy dresses. Nice shirts with matching ties and some are even in suits. We don’t care though. We have a bit more to worry about then wearing a pair of jeans in a respectable place to be judged by snobs. I happen to think Paisley looks adorable in jeans, they’re skinny like both mine and Cheryl’s and they are tucked into her tanned boots going nicely with her cream short sleeved blouse matching her hair bow. Of course Paisley always has a bow to match her clothing.
“So now we have a chance to finally talk tell us all about yesterday”
“it was amazing!” Her face lights up. She moves the green straw around in her glass making her coke spin around too. “At first I thought it was dead weird you know, I was embarrassed but my midwife is lovely and made me feel better. She’s called Wendy”
“Mine was called Susan” I tell her and I still remember her now. She had short black hair, I think it was in a bob. She always had glasses hanging around her neck on a piece of string but i don’t ever remember seeing her wear them. She was lovely, I really liked her. “I still can’t believe you’re 14 weeks”
“I know, its crazy isn’t it? Now I can see my bump, its tiny but I just thought I had put weight on. Oh, I’ve just remembered I have something for you both!” She grins again and she twists around rummaging in her black handbag hanging on her chair. Paisleys sat on her knees trying to see what she’s looking for. She pulls out a white piece of card folded in half. I already know what it is before seeing the hospitals badge printed on the back. She’s pushing it forward telling us to look at it and Paisley folds her arms and complains when she doesn’t get to look first.
“Is this…?” Cheryl trails off, she turns it over and we both skim our eyes over the black, thin writing on the back I’m assuming was scribbled down quickly in a ballpoint pen.
‘To Aunty Kimba and Chezza
Can’t wait to meet my 2 cool Aunties
Love your future niece/nephew xx’
I can’t help but laugh at ‘Kimba’ and ‘Chezza’. I always thought it was funny that my family referred to Cheryl as Chezza I think they must have gotten it from my crazy best friend who I feel I don’t see enough of nowadays. I get a lump in my throat as I open it. It’s only a little black blob on a black and grey scratchy photo but still, that little black blob is my little sisters baby. My eyes begin to well up and I laugh at my silly state. Cheryl’s rubbing at my arm and she kisses my cheek. “Is this the head?” She asks pointing down and she turns it around showing Amy who is nodding excitedly.
“That’s her head”
“Her head?” I question raising an eyebrow. She’s only 14 weeks. There’s no way that she could already know the gender. Not yet anyways.
“I can just tell it’s a girl, I have a feeling. Is that weird?”
“Yes!” both me and Cheryl reply at the same time and Paisley climbs off her seat she comes running around the table. She’s trying to see. Cheryl lifts her up and shows her but her eyebrows pull together. She looks completely confused. I’m not surprised. “Go on Ames, put her out of her misery”
“Paisley, this is your new baby cousin” She tells her but it only adds to her confusion. She’s looking at Amy like she’s talking another language. “I have a baby in my tummy, right in here” She places her hand on her covered stomach and Cheryl puts Paisley down and pushes her forward gently.
“There’s no baby”
“There is in Amy’s tummy, remember when mummy told you about how you were in her tummy when you were tiny?” She nods and crosses over to Amy nervously. She extends her arm and hovers her hand over Amy’s . She’s gone all shy, so unlike Paisley. So Amys laughing and pulls her hand onto the place she wanted it. Trying to feel the little life inside of her. “That’s your cousin”
“Is it a girl?” She asks her eyes finally lighting up with excitement like Amy’s.
“I don’t know yet but you will be the first I tell, I promise. Now can I get a hug before you start eating and I start crying?”
***
I’m woken up by Paisley gently hitting my shoulder; she moves her hand to my face and pats at my cheek with her tiny palm. “Mummy! Mum!” She whispers to me quietly but loud enough to wake me up. I prize my eyes open and i see her hovering in front of my face. Her hairs hanging in front of her face and her dummy is hanging out the side of her mouth.
“What?” I murmur still half asleep. She crawls further towards me. Her eyes light up when she sees she has woken me and she leans on my side. I detangle mine and Cheryl’s limbs in order for me to prop myself up with my elbow. “What’s wrong, Pai?”
“I want to come in your bed”
“Why?” She shrugs her shoulders and her bottom lip is still pouting, she’s still got the puppy dog eyes. She knows I can never say no when she pulls that face. I wouldn’t say no anyways. I always love cuddles from her but they are very hard to get nowadays seeing that she doesn’t stay still for very long. “Come on” I smile holding the duvet up for her to crawl under. I move along and further into Cheryl so Paisley isn’t hanging off the edge. She wiggles around a bit and then pushes her hair back with her hand. She blinks and shuffles into my side. “Did you have a bad dream?” I ask and she nods her head making the hair she’s just fixed fall in front of her eyes again.
“Monsters” I tighten an arm around her and kiss her head. She’s wearing pink pyjamas, they are fleecy with little white flowers dotted everywhere and they tickle my chin as she drapes her arm over me giving me a hug. She nuzzles her face into the crook of my neck and despite me being absolutely shattered and in much need of sleep I smile and rub her back.
“They aren’t real” I promise her. Her feet are freezing so as soon as they lay against my legs I quickly move them out the way. They are like two blocks of ice on my warm skin. She refuses to wear socks to bed and I don’t blame her. How anyone can bare them in bed is beyond me. Cheryl murmurs sleepily from beside me and she rolls over pressing her front against my back. She moves her head on my shoulder and I feel her lips press on my neck before she stops moving again and I’m sure she’s fallen asleep.
I’m not exactly comfortable. I’m sandwiched between two bodies. Cheryl’s blocking me from moving. Paisley is laying half on the bed and half on top of me and of course she keeps moving. She keeps wiggling and shuffling around trying to get comfortable so every time I close my eyes I get an elbow digging in my side knocking away any bit of sleep in me. “Mummy?”
“Mhm?”
“Where’s dad?” Her question takes me by surprise so I stutter not knowing exactly what to tell her. He hasn’t really contacted me but with everything happening with my family and going to Newcastle I pushed him to the back of my mind. It looks like he’s done that with us too. He’s texted me once since the last time he seen her. The night I sent her over to his house. I thought that from then they would be closer then they were. They really seemed to bond that night. She must think about him more than I thought. She realises I stutter and tilts her head back so she’s looking at me properly. “Hes gone?”
“No babe” I pull her closer. “He isn’t gone he’s just busy, don’t worry” I’m lying. Or maybe its the truth. It kind of is. He is too busy. Too busy to be a proper father like he promised the both of us and himself he would be. “Do you miss him?”
“He’s funny, can I see him tomorrow?”
“I don’t know, we will have to see” I tell her. It’s breaking my heart. I knew letting him back into her life wasn’t for the best. He’s a reliability. This is exactly what he promised wouldn’t happen but what I knew would. I knew the doting daddy act wouldn’t last long but she wants to see him. She must be worried and of course I always do what’s best for her, I’ll ring him tomorrow and see what his excuses are. “You know I love you don’t you?”
“and I love you” Every time I hear her tell me that my heart melts a little. She smiles at me holding a hand onto my cheek and Cheryl’s arms tighten around me. She must have been listening. She kisses me again gently. She suddenly rolls onto her back. Her arms stretch out as does her face before it scrunches up and she lets out a large yawn. Once Paisley has seen she’s awake she crawls over me and over to her.
“Morning” Cheryl murmurs with a sleepy smile on her face. She pulls Paisley ontop of her and rests her chin on the top of her head while she holds her. “Bless her” She mouths to me and I smile sadly. “What time is it babe?”
“Just gone five, she had a nightmare”
“The monsters aren’t back are they?”
“They are!” Paisley practically shouts turning her head to the other side so she can see me. I take the dummy from between her teeth and twirl it around my finger with an eyebrow raised. “mine!” When she goes to reach for it I move it backward and she grumbles pushing herself up.
“You don’t need this, you’re a big girl” I tell her but she grabs it back from me and quickly shoves it back in her mouth before I get a chance to take it away again and she crawls back to Cheryl. “Do you know what we’re going to do?” She just shakes her head and looks at me to explain, Cheryl does too.
“We’re going to hang it on the Christmas tree and Santa will come and get it. They’re for babies and you’re not a baby are you?”
“I have a baby cousin” She says and she sits up on Cheryl’s legs. She lays her hands flat on her stomach and Cheryl starts laughing while looking at me. Paisley moves her hands around in a circle making Cheryl laugh even more then she was. What is this girl doing now?
“What are you doing, Pai?”
“Your baby”
“Your mam isn’t having a baby!” I burst into a fit of laughter too and Cheryl puts her arm over her face.
“If I am it’s a immaculate conception, I must be the next virgin Mary”
“Or there’s something you’re not telling me!”
“I think she’s trying to tell us to go on a diet the cheeky thing!” Paisley screeches as Cheryl begins to tickle at her sides. “Would you like me and your mum to have a baby?”
“Chez, don’t ask her that!”
“I’m just asking! Maybe one day, eh?”
“Maybe!” I laugh shaking my head at how happy she looks at the uncertain promise. “You have nursery today do you think you’re going to be able to stay awake?”
“No,I want to see daddy”
*
With Paisley expressing the need to see her father I’m out of the house as soon as it hits 8oclock. I had to be up to get her medication from the chemist so I might aswell kill two birds with one stone and stop by here on my way. He must be awake at this time and if he’s not pity for him because I need to speak to him, I need to see him because I need to get this sorted. The wind seems like its blowing from all directions, I’ve left Paisley at home. I think by now she should be ready for nursery. I need to hurry home, its Amy’s first day back at sixth form and to say I’m worried is an understatement. My life is filled with anxiety. The wind is strong; it’s knocking all air out of me. As I walk I feel like I’m struggling to breathe. Its beginning to rain now. Great. It’s sending me into a even worse mood. The road I’m walking up is narrow between two rows of terraced houses that look like they are a second to crumbling down to the ground. I realise the street but it looks a lot different in the dark. I don’t remember all the broken glass covering the stoney concrete. It’s a safely hazard. Children live on this street, I can hear them through the thin walls. There’s a boy out already hitting a near flat football with the toes of his scuffed shoes. He looks at me as I walk past him. He looks like he notices me. Not to sound big headed or anything but he has probably seen me on magazines that have written all sorts of made up stories about me. God knows what he’s heard. He looks away. Continuing to kick the ball off the brick wall.
I reach the house. there’s a old battered sofa sat in the garden now. You can barely see it through the long grass that’s probably never been cut. At first I glance through the window, you can see right into their home because there’s no blinds up. The house looks lifeless. There seems to be nobody home but there must be. Its only 8am. So I knock and wait. No answer. I knock again becoming agitated. Again, no answer.
“I know you’re in there!” I shout through the letter box and I hear a faint nose. “Open this door, now”
“I’m coming, I’m coming!” A woman’s voice is shouted down the stairs followed by a babies cry and she curses loudly. I mutter to myself and stand straight, I’m straightening my coat out while I wait for someone, anyone to answer the door. The doors opened, yanked open actually but it isn’t Jason. It’s his girlfriend. She looks worn out, she has dark circles under her eyes and her son won’t stop crying.
“What do you want?” She’s abrupt. Almost shouting. Stood here in her pink pyjamas. They look old. They’re short. I’m sure they are just too small. She looks angry, slightly scary actually. I swallow hard before opening my mouth.
“Is Jason in?”
She scoffs and sticks out her foot. “No he isn’t, he won’t be back either”
“What do you mean by that? I have his daughter sat at home wondering where the hell he’s gone. She’s thinking that he’s left her again”
“My sons thinking the same, they don’t need someone like him in their life anyways!” and with that she slams the door in my face. I’m stood facing the cracked wood wondering what the hells going on. I hear a bang come from the house like the slamming of another door and the babys again bawling. Should I knock again? What do I do now? I don’t know what’s going on or where on earth this waste of a space is.