"Get down! Now!"
"I'm trying!"
"Try harder!"
These men. Can't they understand it takes a long time to make a good messy bun? Like, it's messy, yeah, but it takes time and effort. If there are more than five hair strands out of the bun, I'm ruining it completely and starting over.
"Katherine!"
I groan and slap my hand on the sink.
"If you say one more word, I'll get down and kick your ass out of the house!" I shriek.
The house falls silent and now the only thing I can hear is my neighbor mowing his lawn. Does he not understand it is winter and snow was falling and soon will be falling?
These men.
I sigh, raising my hands to fix the half bun my hair has created. The stupid elastic gets stuck and I get the wish to cut all of my hair off.
"Fifty years later..." Wes's voice comes from downstairs and I swear I growl.
I was not joking.
I rush down the stairs, making sure I don't trip over my own feet. I see him perched on the railing of the stairs and my hands shoot up to grab his shoulders.
"Hey, what, wai -" He doesn't get to say anything more as I open the door wide and kick him outside. Once I make sure he didn't fall or break anything, I slam the door close.
I walk up the stairs, mumbling how annoyed and frustrated I am, when I hear the door open again and before I can even turn around, Wes scoops me in his arms.
Should've locked the damn door.
"Damn it." I groan exhaustedly, my body going limp. He laughs just as we reach my room.
He uses his foot to close the door, receiving a loud slam in return. I let out a half scream as he throws me on the bed, crawling on top of me soon after that. His dark hair tickles my nose and I blow at it softly.
"Jesus, how fast does your hair grow?" I question, noticing how he got a haircut not too long ago, and it has already reached his eyebrows.
"I don't know." He mumbles, dipping his head into my neck. "I like it long."
I snort.
"That's what -"
"Shut up." He says, but I can feel his smile curving on my skin. He places a soft kiss on the spot and I gently tangle my fingers in his hair.
"When's our flight?" I ask.
"In two days."
"I know that." I roll my eyes slowly. "I meant the time."
"Six in the morning?" He sounds doubtful. "I have to check again."
"You can maybe, um, sleep over that night?" I ask. He lifts his head, but I don't meet his eye, continuing to play with his soft hair.
"Can I?"
My cheeks flush. I'm never one to ask Wes to sleep over, it usually just happens coincidentally. I just nod in response.
"Cool." He grins. "We can put masks on, watch chick flicks -"
"Hell no." I shake my head, a look of horror replacing my expression.
"You'd look cute." He pokes my nose. I flinch away, using my hands to try and lift him off of me.
"Stop." He tries to do just that, stop me, but I push even harder onto his bicep.
"I just want to have some quality time with my girlfriend." He whines, looking like a little child. I roll my eyes.
"Girlfri -"
"Not again." He interrupts me immediately. He smiles, circling my waist passionately. He places a chaste kiss on my lips before speaking again. "Come on, Katherine. It's just a word."
"It's a label."
"It's a word." He laughs. "You're so stubborn."
"And you're persistent." I state simply. "Why do you want to call me that way, anyway?"
"And what am I supposed to call you?" He raises his eyebrows, pulling me closer. He's awfully cuddly today. "Friend?"
I just give him a look.
"Lover?" He smirks.
"No, that's -"
"Doesn't fit. Because you don't love me back." After he says that, there's a silence that clearly indicates just how harsh that statement is, for both of us.
The thing is, there is something I am feeling towards Wes that is definitely more than just a simple liking. But I'm always holding back on these feelings, these more deeper versions of liking. I was always afraid, always scared of allowing myself to fall, and I still am, no matter how much I care about this boy.
"Katherine?"
"Hmm?" I bow my head, playing with my jewelry.
"Why do you think you're not good enough to be loved?"
My head snaps up quickly, my eyes locking with his curious ones.
"What?"
Wes studies me for a while. He looks to the side, seeming a lot more calm than before. He distractedly traces circles on the back of my hand.
My heart starts thudding in my chest. Where did he even get that idea? The worse part is, the question makes sense for me.
"You think you're not good enough to be loved." He says, still examining the walls around my room.
"Where are you getting this from?" I ask silently.
"Drunk Katherine talks quite a lot." He turns to me, the smallest smirk plastered across his face.
"Well." I cock my head. "She talks obvious bullshit."
"No, she doesn't."
"Yes, she does." I try to persuade him. "That's silly."
"No, it's not." He scoots closer to me all of a sudden, taking my head in his hands. I inhale a breath, my skin burning at his touch. "What are you not telling me?"
"What -" I attempt to push him away but he glares at me. "Wes, I'm not in the mood to talk about this."
"About what? I don't understand."
"And you wouldn't." I almost laugh. "Just drop it."
Wes rolls his eyes, finally moving away from me. Although I know I'm not making any sense, I'm glad he's decided to get off my back.
"You keep avoiding it. Why can't you just talk to me? I'll listen, I swear."
I spoke too soon.
"What do you even want me to talk about?" I sigh. "Huh?"
"Tell me what you're so afraid of." He looks deeply into my eyes. "Why do you think you're not made for us to be something more?"
"I'm not afraid."
"Am I doing something wrong?" He sounds so down, I want to hug the living life out of him.
"No." I smile softly. Then I look down, my face falling once again.
"Kat."
"Kat?" A chuckle escapes me.
"Shut up. I'm tryna talk to you." He says seriously, but his lips twitch only slightly.
"I know." I nod before letting out a long breath. "Okay, I'll tell you something. But you have to promise me you won't get mad at me?"
"Are you with someone else?"
"No, Wes!" I roll my eyes annoyingly. "Would you listen?"
"Go ahead." He moves closer to me, trapping me in his embrace. I look back at him. I think I know him well enough to assume his reaction to what I have to say, and that's the reason why I don't want those words to float out.
"How do I say this?" I gulp. "Basically, I don't want to get hurt, okay? I'm not afraid of relationships or commitment but the pain that I know can come if I ever get committed."
Wes opens his mouth to say something but I continue talking to finish everything I have to say.
"I'm a mess. I am not someone who is always calm and always understanding. I can get angry very fast. I can get annoyed quite easily and personally, I don't think I'm worth being loved because I think that there are people who would be way better for you."
"I'm just being honest and telling you that I'm nothing special and by being that way, I'm afraid that eventually what we have would break and then I would get heartbroken. And I don't really want to experience that."
Wes stares at me for a couple of moments before leaning his hand on his perched up knee.
"So what you're saying -" He starts, making my heart beat in fear. "Okay, first of all, why the fuck do you have such a bad image about yourself? You're so amazing, Katherine. You're caring, you're kind, you're funny and you're beautiful inside and out."
I stay speechless as he continues.
"And second of all, do you mean to say that you don't trust me?" He raises an eyebrow.
"No, shit. See?" I groan. "That's exactly why I didn't want to tell you. I do trust you. I just don't trust life, and faith, and what it has in store for us."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Let me be literal." I sigh, realizing there's no other way to go through this. "One day, you're going to meet someone who will be ten times better than me and you'll want to be with her."
"Katherine, what the -" He looks pretty confused, even though I just drew it for him. "What the fuck does that have to do with committing?"
I get fed up and stand up from the bed.
"Because I don't want to experience the feeling of a breakup!" I exclaim.
"But how would you feel if we stopped whatever we have going on?" He stands up as well, obviously as agitated as I am. "No, let me rephrase this. How did you feel when we stopped it?"
I avert my eyes from him, my breaths coming through my nose.
I felt like crap.
I wanted him back no matter the cost. I could feel his presence even when he wasn't there. I longed for his touch and his words. I would catch myself thinking about him, sometimes even letting out a tear. I felt pain in my chest whenever I thought I might never have him again.
Heartbroken, that's how I felt.
"Damn it." I mutter, more to myself rather than out loud.
"I don't understand how putting a label on us would make it so different than what we have now." His voice grows softer as he takes a careful step towards me.
"Then why are you so stuck on it?" I ask.
He actually chuckles at that.
"Say what you want, but I already consider you mine." He tells me. "And I consider myself yours."
I stay silent, still looking at the crumpled sheets on my bed.
"Because I wouldn't find anyone like you, and especially not better than you."
"How do you know that?" I roll my eyes, which have now started to water slightly.
"Oh, I don't know, maybe because I freaking love you?"
I look up at him now, pressing my lips in a tight line. His expression is serene, taking me in with every breath he takes.
"You could love more than once in your life."
"Fucking hell." He runs his hands through his hair. "You want me to go on one knee and propose right now, because I will do that."
"What?"
"What does it take?" He takes my head in his hands again. "What does it take to make you understand that I don't want another? That I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And you know what?"
I don't even get to answer before he speaks again.
"You don't want a relationship? Fine. I don't care. The only thing important to me is being with you, whether it's under a label or not."
My eyes suddenly fill with water and Wes widens his own.
"What? Hey, hey." He starts looking concerned. "Baby, did I say something wrong?"
"No." I sniff, an inescapable tear falling down my cheek. He uses his finger to catch it carefully. "You're just -"
"Was that too straightforward?" He asks in an urgent tone. "I didn't mean to -"
"Wes." A small, weak chuckle finds its way out of my mouth. He shuts his mouth, examining me with worried eyes. "You're just so understanding."
He tilts his head.
"Even when I'm being a stubborn bitch, you're still so nice. You literally are giving up something you want because of me."
"Is that...good?" He hesitates and I roll my eyes, attempting to push him. He makes a small move backwards, but it's only a millimeter away from me. Then he pulls me into his embrace once again, bringing me all the comfort in the world.
"I'd do anything for you." He whispers before placing a small kiss on my forehead.
What he's not realizing is that this is the reason as to why I feel unworthy of love. I feel like I'm not giving him enough, like I'm holding back. And the truth is, I don't know why I'm holding back at this point. He's shown nothing but love and even when I'm holding back, he doesn't give up on me.
"Wes?" I mutter shyly into his shirt.
"Hmm?"
"Um, I do love you back."
I swear I hear his heart stop. He backs away as if he's seen a ghost. His pupils go wide and I feel his hands, which are holding my shoulders, begin to shake.
"Wha -" His voice is deep and hoarse. "What?"
I bite my lip, forcing myself to keep eye contact with him. I feel my throat go dry as if I'm unable to speak.
"I love you." I just whisper instead, loud enough for him to hear it.
Because he's the only one I'll ever say it to.
-
I never liked perfect characters. That's why Katherine is so stubborn and sometimes selfish, even if she's the main one. I have always considered her to be strong headed, something I admire in many people. But also, having a side to you no one knows about is amazingly beautiful, because then only certain people can explore it.
This is not the final chapter.
Love, M.