Xenia sat at her desk in her apartment in Seattle, putting the finishing touches on the book. Xeniaa sighed, having written the last words of the book she'd decided to call Dirty Little Secrets. The title had struck her on the plane, and it seemed perfect. The book was
filled with secrets.
It also seemed the perfect title to sum up her memories of what had happened on the mountain. She'd told Monica she'd slept with her cousin, but she'd given her friend none of the naughty details not about the webcam or about Tommy, not about every other new experience Justin had opened to her, and she never would. Those secrets would belong to Xeni alone. Well, and Justin, too, of course.
She'd handled their good-bye like a pro a few tender kisses at the door, and out she'd gone, a brave new woman, ready to face the world now
changed and emboldened because of him. And she'd remained strong since then but also a little torn inside, if she was honest with herself.
A sensual exhilaration stil echoed through her when she remembered the things she'd shared with him. Justin had given her ultimate thrills, and he hadn't judged her for her decisions; he'd truly wanted only to give her pleasure. She knew she would cherish the memories they'd created in the mountainside house together for the rest of her life, even if they were so outside her normal world that they almost seemed dreamy and unreal now.
But at the same time, she couldn't deny the sadness stil lurking inside her from missing him. Missing the intimacy they'd shared, and even just his company. She feared she'd never experience that much intimacy with a man again. No other guy could ever open her up like that, get to those parts of her, make her so comfortable with things that had started out seeming so forbidden. How on earth did a girl just say good-bye to that kind of trust, that kind of sharing?
Hard to believe, she thought, still staring at her computer screen, that it had al started with a secret camera, and the man behind it. One more dirty little secret, she thought with a melancholy sigh.
Two weeks after turning in the book, Xenia sat down at her computer in her snowflake-print flannel pajamas and lowered her coffee mug to the coaster on her desk. After a brief glance out the window at the morning quiet of her Capitol Hil neighborhood, she hit the button to retrieve her mail.
She clicked to open one from her editor, Karen, sporting the subject line: DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS INDEED!
Xeni sat before her computer, stunned. She couldn't have been more thrilled with her editors response to a book she'd truly fallen in love with as she'd written.
Taking a deep breath, she hit reply.
Karen so glad you like the book! I'm really proud of it. Thank you for your feedback it means the world to me and hopefully i will be making a a sequel! so stay tune.
She sighed at having been forced to think about Justin this early in the morning. Not even 8
a.m., and there he was, on the brain, where he would likely stay all day now. She sometimes thought he filled her thoughts as much as he had when she'd been at the house in Vail. The only difference was, instead of being able to fuck him at night, she only lay down in her bed and remembered. Every touch. Every penetration. Every spine tingling, soul stirring kiss.
The next e-mail she opened was from Monica.
Well? Are you going out with the Starbucks dude?
Xenia actually shivered. A cute guy who hung at the Starbucks a few blocks away had asked her out last week, and she hadn't exactly given him an answer, even as Monica had stood elbowing her and tel ing the guy how much Xenia loved Mexican food.
A couple of months ago, she would have definitely accepted the invitation. He was good looking, had a great smile, and whatever he did for a living, it required wearing a well cut suit and tie. But for some reason she hadn't been able to put her finger on, she'd hesitated, telling him she'd have to get back to him. Now, having thought about it, she could put her finger on what the problem was she didn't feel especial y comfortable with the idea of anyone touching her but Justin. And since dating customarily led to touching, it just seemed like a bad idea.
She e-mailed Monica back.
I don't think so.
The next thing she knew, an IM box popped up from her friend.
SEXYPSYCHIATRIST: Are you out of your freaking mind? He's a total hottie.
RILEY: I'm just . . . not into dating anyone right now.
SEXYPSYCHIATRIST: Oh God. Please don't tell me you're hung up on my cousin.
Xenia sighed. Then lied.
RILEY: It's not that. It's just that I need a break
from guys. First there was David. Then Justin. I'm not ready for another big thing just yet.
SEXY PSYCHIATRIST: Hmm, let's see. You'd broken up with David at least a month before Justin came along. And it's been a few weeks
since you came home from Vail. And I'm not sure a date qualifies as a "big thing."
Where as Xenia would normaly just continue to argue, she instead stopped to consider Monica's words. She'd hoped her affair with Justin would make her bolder, more outgoing not less so. And yet, she was turning Mr. Starbucks down for no good reason. And Monica was right he was a hottie. Not as hot as Justinn, certainly, but stil a very handsome guy. And unlike Justin, she did want to marry someday, and for all she knew, Mr. Starbucks would turn out to be her soul mate.
RILEY: Okay, you talked me into it.
The screen stayed blank for longer than usual before Monica's answer popped up.
SEXY PSYCHIATRIST: Okay, now I'm scared. Since when do you see reason?
RILEY: Since now. The next time I see the coffee hottie, I'll tell him yes.
SEXY PSYCHIATRIST: Wow! That's my girl.
She stil didn't really want to tel him yes, deep down inside. But she doubted Justin was sitting around pining over her so maybe it was time to move on. Xenia felt a fresh determination to do the same thing, her heart be damned.
Justin opened his eyes fresh from a nice, naughty dream and turned in bed expecting to find Xenia beside him. But the space next to him was empty. Shit, he wasn't in Colorado anymore. Hadn't been for weeks, in fact. Beyond his large bedroom window, he
caught a glimpse of the deck that overlooked the Pacific, then heard the cal of a seagul.
He couldn't believe he was stil missing her. He'd been sure that would fade after he came home to L.A. And then he'd been sure it
would go away once he got back involved in his work. Bui concentration had become difficult ever since his hot vacation with Xenia in the mountains.
Don't freak out about it, man. When he looked at it logicaly, there were reasons. Xenia was the only woman he'd ever done such extreme things with. And the only woman he'd ever spent longer than a weekend with
in one stretch. So it made sense that he'd grown accustomed to seeing her face beside his in bed. It made sense that he missed her body. It made sense that he missed her smile.
So it was a month later and he found himself in the same rut Tommy had been in back in Vail. He'd talked to Tommy just yesterday, and his buddy sounded fine now he was dating again. "A cute girl from over in Avon who works at the Christie Lodge, and damn, dude, she looks
hot in her little pink ski pants," he'd said. He'd gone on to explain that it was nothing serious, but that he thought he was done with one night stands. "Just getting too old for it, I guess."
Justinn hadn't asked what that meant, but now he wondered if this was the first sign of a guy getting ready to settle down, a notion that made his stomach pinch. Not that he begrudged his friend happiness, but if Tommy got married at some point, it would change things frankly, it would make Justinn a little less likely to try to get away to Vail several times a year. He'd never thought of the Vail house as lonely, but after Xenia's departure it had seemed that way. If he didn't even have Tommy to hang with whenever he wanted, it would definitely feel lonely.
Either way, though, he'd been glad to hear his buddy sounding happy.
Now ... he just wished he was, too.
The fact was, he hadn't slept with anyone since Xenia.
He'd tried. He'd even once got so far as bringing a girl home with him. But for some reason, in the end, he hadn't gotten into it.
Maybe Xenia had made him realize that what Tommy had said when they'd been discussing Marianne was true maybe Justin, too, wanted a girl with some substance. Even if it was just for fooling around, he suddenly didn't feel satisfied by the same old shallow chicks.
Only, he had the weird feeling that even if he found a less- than shallow chick strolling up the beach right now, he probably wouldn't real y want to fool around with her, either. He just kept thinking about Xenia.
Six months later, autumn had arrived,
Dirty Little Secrets had just made the
USA Today list, and Xenia's life had become a drudgery.
She'd tried to date Mr. Starbucks back in the spring, and they'd had a nice enough meal at El Camino, her favorite Mexican restaurant over in funky, artsy Fremont. But when he'd asked her back to his place, she'd claimed she was tired, and when he'd tried to kiss her at her door, she'd actually turned away. She'd felt both mean and as if she were behaving like a bit of a freak, and the parting had been utterly awkward.
Since then, she hadn't even thought about trying to date anyone. Monica had spent most of their time together lecturing her, so even her "girlfriend time" had been less than appealing lately. Which had led to much wearing of joggers and renting of sad movies. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd actually put on a pair of real pants.
And if that wasn't bad enough, Once upon a time, Monica had been sure Xenia's writer block had been caused by a lack of sex. And the results of her visit to Colorado had seemed to support the claim. God, she hoped that wasn't true, given that she didn't seem to want to have sex with anyone other than Justin Bieber.
She was just about to wonder, for the first time
when an Instant Message popped up on her screen. She flinched when she saw who it was from.
FLYBOY1: Are you there, snowflake?
Her heart threatened to burst through her chest. He suddenly felt so nearby even if also stil far away.
RILEY: Yes, I'm here. Hi.
FLYB0Y1: How are you?
What a loaded question. She lied, of course.
RILEY: Great, thanks. And you? Busy buying up unsuspecting corporations?
FLYB0Y1: I told you, I'm not ruthless and conniving in business. Just ruthless.
RILEY: You're pretty ruthless in bed, too, as I recall.
FLYB0Y1: Let's just say I know how to get what I want. :) Did you have any complaints?
RILEY: None.
FLYB0Y1: I just finished reading Dirty Little Secrets last night.
Damn she'd never even thought about him seeking out her book. Her poor, put-upon heart pounded even faster at the news.
RILEY: And?
FLYBOY: I think you wrote an a amazing book.
She almost couldn't breathe.
RILEY: Well, as you read, He had to return to his business. So . . . they're finished, I suppose.
FLYB0Y1: I think that's a bad idea.
RILEY: Oh?
FLYB0Y1: I think you're missing an opportunity. They were good together. In fact, I think girl should hook up with the dark stranger again.
Xenia considered her answer, still unsure of what they were really talking about. For at least half a second, she seriously considered typing
I love you into the box. But then she came to her senses and remembered how hurt she would be when he didn't know what to say to that, and when it became clear that she'd just humiliated herself. She took a deep breath and tried to compose a reply.
RILEY: I'm not sure how that would happen.
They live three thousand miles apart. It seems unlikely they'll bump into each other again on accident.
It took a little while for him to answer.
FLYB0Y1 : Would you be surprised to know I still miss you, snowflake?
Xenia's throat clogged with emotion. She considered things she could say.
I miss you every day. Every night.
Then she thought of the Justin she'd come to know and love in the mountain home, and she instead told him something she knew he'd be thrilled to hear.
RILEY: Sometimes I use the vibrator you gave me, and I think about you.
FLYB0Y1: God, honey, that's nice. You just made me hard.
Hot desire fluttered through her.
RILEY: Feels like old times.
FLYB0Y1: I love to think about you fucking yourself with it, moving it in and out of your perfect little pussy. Do you keep it shaven?
Xenia pulled in her breath. The truth was
no she had no reason to. But she didn't want to spoil the fantasy, didn't want him to think she hadn't remained the bolder, more sensual woman he'd made of her.
RILEY: Sometimes.
FLYB0Y1: Ever think about installing a webcam on your end? wink
The mere act of communicating with Justin, even just over the computer, was making Xenia feel alive in a way she hadn't in months.
Keep the playful, naughty banter going,
she commanded herself. Besides being exciting and fun, and a way to keep him in her life, maybe some cyber-sex would be enough to revive her creativity again.
Yet to her surprise, something inside her slowly began to sink. She wanted to excite him, wanted to rekindle al that forbidden pleasure that had first brought them together—but she couldn't. Knowing the things they'd done together, face to face, body to body, and knowing how very close to him she'd felt, how very trusting, how very attached she knew already that dirty cyberchat wasn't going to make up for what she lacked. Already it felt empty. Like moving backward. She couldn't do it. She typed her answer in sadly.
RILEY: No.
FLYB0Y1: Would you?
RILEY: No again.
FLYB0Y1: Did I just accidentally do something to make you mad at me?
RILEY: No.
FLYB0Y1: Then is something wrong?
RILEY: Yes.
FLYB0Y1: What?
RILEY: I love you.
She sent it without giving herself a chance to even consider it. It was gone, and it couldn't be brought back. She felt sick, her stomach churning, every nerve ending in her body tingling so intensely it was painful.
When he didn't answer, she feared she would throw up.
And then a message appeared.
FLYB0Y1: I didn't know that, honey.
A
far cry from I love you, too.
Oh God, she'd made a horrible mistake.
RILEY: I shouldn't have said that. I can't believe I did. Forget about it, okay?
FLYB0Y1: I don't know how to forget about
something like that.
Xenia made a stressful decision to barrel ahead to the heart of the matter. She had to nothing else made any sense.
RILEY: Well, since I'm pretty sure you don't feel the same way, I want you to at least TRY to forget it, okay? I want you to remember me fondly, not like the dork who just spouted out something without thinking about it.
FLYB0Y1: I never said I didn't feel the same way.
Her chest ached from the intense beating of her heart.
RILEY: But you didn't say you did, either.
A long, painful hesitation on his end that made tears wel in her eyes.
FLYB0Y1: I don't even really know what love is, Xeniaa. That kind of love. I've never been in it. You know me bachelor forever and all that. I'm sorry.
Well , that was al she needed to know. She still possessed the ability to excite him, but he didn't love her. And he was a nice enough guy that he was trying to let her down easy. The person on the other side of the situation, though, never seemed to understand that there could be nothing easy about it.
Taking a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears enough to type, she constructed an answer.
RILE Y: I understand. Thank you for reading my book and letting me know. I have to go now.
And she shut down her Instant Message program and Internet connection as quickly as she could, before he could reply. Then she even shut down the computer altogether.
Methodicaly, she shed her jogging pants for a pair of jeans, left the apartment, and started walking toward Starbucks, even at the risk of seeing the guy she'd refused to kiss, because she simply had to get out of the house for a little while.
She couldn't believe she'd told Justin she loved him.
You could have had lots of fun IMing him. You could have had a secret little Internet affair for weeks, months, years. But thinking of "years" brought back the original problem she'd figured out during the exchange: it just wasn't enough, and she couldn't survive on that. Back when she'd first arrived at the Vail house, she'd questioned whether or not she even knew what it was to be in love but now she definitely knew. She was in love with Justin, and nothing less than him loving her back was going to make her happy.
Which probably meant she was destined for a long life of dirty clothes, sad movies, and writer's block.