He watched the orange leaves dance in the Wind while the rain whipped against the tall windows of the van. Next to him, Ashton was complaining and trying to dry his soaked shirt, but to Luke, this was the best weather ever.
It was finally fall and fall was his favorite season.
He pulled the sleeves of his Sweater over his hands and watched the raindrops race down the glass of the slowly fogging window.
His eyelids kept dropping and he found it harder and harder to keep his eyes open, but napping wasn't an option, not now, not with the rest of the band only inches away.
Luke cuddled deeper in his dark hoodie and pressed the volume key of his phone to turn up the soft acoustic song that was currently playing on his headphones from his autumn playlist. His eyes glided over to Calum who sat across from him, their knees touching in the rather small back of the SUV. His short blue hair was the only bright spot of color in the car full of boys dressed in black and the grey weather outside. Pictures of last night appeared behind Luke's eyes. Flashes of bare skin against skin, needy lips and his pale fingers running through said vibrant blue hair.
No, Luke and Calum weren't dating, at least not in this life. But whenever Luke closed his eyes, he entered another world, a world in which everything was the same except for one thing: he had Calum. The dreams appeared more and more frequently now, started as innocent as the first one but nowadays he dreamt about rather explicit stuff quite often too. The dreams came randomly, he never knew when or what triggered them, and that's why he restrained himself from ever sleeping anywhere where people could see him. He was scared of someone finding out about his double life.
Luke felt Ashtons eyes on him and tore his gaze away from Calum to continue watching the tall buildings fly by outside. He was interrupted by Michael's elbow colliding with his ribcage and yanked his headphones down.
"The fuck dude, that hurt!," he whined and Michael rolled his emerald eyes.
"They're playing teeth in the radio," he smiled and Luke heard the bass line of their new single blare through the speakers of the car.
"That's sick mate," he smiled small.
"Yeah man," Ashton grinned back. Michael turned back to his phone to proceed changing his Twitter name and Luke's eyes lingered on Calum once more, just a moment too long, so that Ashton shot him a questioning look again. Luke looked away and pulled his headphones back up, praying that they'd be at the radio station soon so that he finally could get out of this small car and stop being so aware of the place where his knees touched Calums.
***
"Don't you think it's weird," Luke asked, "that Calum broke up with his girlfriend after only six weeks of them dating?"
He was laying upside down on the dark couch in Ashton's big living space and held his feet up toward the ceiling.
"Don't YOU think it's weird," Ashton replied from where he was leaning against the counter of his big open kitchen which was connected to the living room, "how much you are obsessing about it?"
"I am not obsessing about it!," Luke rushed out, maybe a little too fast, and pushed himself up on his elbows, his feet still in the air.
"Oh yeah sure," Ashton grabbed his coffee mug und walked over to the couch, "and what's this supposed to be? Are you planning on starting yoga? Because in that case you can just come to classes with me instead of doing weird stretches on my couch." Luke glared at him but let his feet fall down.
Ashton lifted Luke's legs off the couch, settled down where they were and then put them on his lap.
"There's a hole in your sock, mate," he remarked and glanced up at Luke, who continued to glare at Ashton. Ashton couldn't suppress the grin creeping on his face and it wasn't long until Luke's lips tugged up at the edges too.
Luke sighed and let his head fall back against the couch cushions.
"I am not obsessing about Calums break up," he said small.
"Bro..," Ashton poked Luke's tight,"it's all you've been talking about today."
Luke didn't reply. What was he supposed to say? Ashton was right, it's all he could think about ever since Calum had broken the news to him. So instead of answering, he studied the ceiling.
"It's okay though, mate. I think I figured out why you won't shut up about it."
"Oh yeah?," Luke raised an eyebrow and lifted his head up to look at Ashton.
"Yeah man," he said calmly,"You either have feelings for her, or him."
Luke froze, then went into full panic mode. "I- No! I don't! I don't have feelings for either of them! I.. I, no?," Luke knew that he was not fooling Ashton.
"Okay, so you HAVE feelings for her," Ashton grinned.
"Ew, no. I don't," Luke said and scrunched up his face in disgust only to realize what he had done a split second later. He buried his face in his hands, knowing that he had dug himself a hole he couldn't get out of any more.
"Okay, good. That's what I thought..," Ashton smiled small, "so Calum it is."
"No...," Luke mumbled very quiet.
Ashton rubbed Luke's leg and offered him a soft smile.
"It's okay Lukey. I love you all the same, you know that right?"
"Yeah I know," Luke said, his voice thick with tears,"I just think that I don't want it to be true and admitting it makes it feels so real.."
"Right, because bottling up feelings and pretending they're not there works so well..," Ashton mumbled.
"Fuck you," Luke mumbled from where he had his face still covered by his hands.
"Hey," Ashton said softer and reached out his hands to grab Luke by the front of his hoodie. He pulled him up into a more or less sitting position and wrapped both his strong arms around the tall lanky blonde who was now half sitting in his lap. "Lukey, I love you like a little brother, okay? This is okay, to feel this way is okay. Don't get so worked up on it, it's gonna be alright if you just give it time."
"No," Luke breathed against Ashtons shoulder, "No it's not okay. It's not." Luke wasn't crying, Ashton knew that. Luke was a fragile soul but he hated nothing more than crying in front of other people and Ashton had only seen him cry once in his life.
"It is."
"No, It is not!," Luke raised his voice in frustration and looked up at Ashton.
"Okay, then why not?"
"Because.. I can't tell you."
"Tell me what??," Ashton frowned.
Luke pressed his lips to a thin line.
"You know you've already said too much, right? Might as well spill everything now," Ashton smiled small. He was rubbing small soothing circles on Luke's arm with his thumb.
Luke took a deep breath, then closed his eyes. "I keep having these dreams where I am dating Calum. And... and it feels so real, it is freaking me out. And.. and they get more and more explicit, too."
"Oh...," Ashton said, his hazel eyes blown open wide.
"See, you're freaked out," Luke mumbled and looked away, "I know it's creepy and weird."
"It's not! Okay, maybe a little.. but there's nothing you can do about it so, not your fault, right?," Ashton said weary.
"Yeah.. I never know when they come or what triggers them. But it is exhausting, Ash. It's like I am living a double life. A twisted one. I want it to stop, I want it to stop so badly.."
"I.. I know. I get it," Ashton said and looked at Luke with so much sympathy.
"Then what am I supposed to do?," Luke asked.
"I don't know?"
"God, usually you always know what to do. This is really messed up, isn't it?," Luke asked small.
"No. I think you might just need a little distance from Calum. I think the more time you spend with him, the easier these dreams are triggered and you probably feel very awkward around him too, right?"
"Keeping my distance from Calum? Dude we are about to start touring in two days, how the hell am I gonna do that? It's impossible."
"I know," Ashton sighed and brought Luke back into a hug, "But we'll figure something else out. Don't worry. And thanks for telling me."
"You make it sound like I had a choice?," Luke mumbled, a hint of a smile in his voice.
"You had. With me, you always have."
***
"I'm telling you bro," Calum groaned while smashing the keys on his controller, "I am not sad or whatever."
"Yeah but why???,"Michael whined, his eyes concentrated on the screen.
"Becauseeeee,"Calum whined back and then threw his controller on the coffee table, "I swear you're cheating. You can't be always winning dude."
"I am not cheating, bro," Michael laughed and leant back against the fluffy couch in his and Crystals apartment. He looked over at Calum who had his head leant against the back of the couch and his bare feet on the coffee table and was intently studying the ceiling.
"I am serious, mate," Michael said, "at first she was the most amazing girl in the world and then you two break up only five weeks later. I want to understand this."
"There is nothing to understand. Sometimes things just change."
"Over the course of five weeks?"
Calum didn't reply.
"Well, who broke up with who then?"
"Nobody, really. It was a mutual decision we made."
"Oh, does she think that too, or is she heartbroken now and I will have to listen to Crys complaining how you broke her best friends heart??"
"Mike, what the hell?"
"WHat?"
"You are annoying me."
"Duh, I am your best friend."
"Seriously. I am okay. She is okay. We are okay, we just figured we are better off as friends." Calums voice sounded weary. He closed his eyes and Michael took a moment to take his best friend in. The tenseness in his shoulders, the small crack between his eyebrows and how he nervously fiddled with a loose strand in his sweater.
"Are you gonna tell me the truth one day?," Michael asked, his voice coming out very softly, "because I know you're leaving parts of the story out. I've known you long enough.."
Calum slowly opened his eyes and looked at his longest best friend. The bleach blonde looked at him, not judgingly or mad, this was one of those moments where Michael was the softest person in the world.
Calum chewed on his bottom lip and considered for a moment.
"Can you keep a secret?," Calum whispered.
Michael shook his head yes.
"No, like, really secret. You can't tell the other boys. Or Crystal. You're the person I trust most in the world and this is something I've wanted to tell you for a while now."
"Bro, I know things about you not even your mum knows. We've already had so many shared secrets before we even started the band, of course I can keep this one too," Michael smiled small.
Calum nodded. A short silence followed, then "I think I like guys... No. I know I do."
Michael's lips turned up into a soft smile. "I know."
Calum frowned. "What the fuck do you mean?"
"I mean," Michael said, "that I wasn't sure, but I guessed. I have known you since we were kids, Cal. And when we got into puberty nothing about the way you acted around girls, or even looked at girls, changed. But the way you acted around boys changed a lot."
Calum gave him a lopsided smile.
"Yeah, i couldn't help it, guys are hot. Aaaand I am glad to have you as my best friend, Mikey," he said.
"Me too," Michael grinned and threw himself at Calum to give him a hug.
***
September turned into October, then the beginning of November. Almost all the leaves had fallen off the trees and now they were just dark giants sticking their crooked arms out to catch the plastic bags floating by occasionally in the big cities. Luke took a deep breath of the fresh cold winter air and pulled his beanie down over his ears. He had told the others that he wasn't feeling well and needed some air, which wasn't a lie.
The dreams came to him almost every night now, robbing him every little bit of sleep, energy and patience. He got into fights with Calum more and more often, simply because he was upset about the situation and upset with himself and even though he had tried not to, he always let it out on Calum. But Calum picked more and more fights with him too, maybe because Luke wasn't really friendly, maybe he just hated Luke by now. But Luke found that he didn't care.
He was beyond caring, so worn out that he was ready to cancel the tour and quit the band. He was done trying, too exhausted to take another step, last another day, play another show.
But whenever he saw Ashton and Michael, he couldn't bring himself to say a word. It wasn't their fault and they shouldn't pay the price for some messed up shit going on between Calum and Luke. Technically, it wasn't Calums fault either. But Luke found that if he pinned a bit of the blame on him, it was easier to keep the act up. He wasn't being fair, but he knew it was necessary for him to survive.
And if he'd go down, he'd go down fighting. Quite literally.
***
Michael sat on the worn out black leather couch in the dressing room of the venue they had played a show at tonight. His hair was damp, his shoes thrown off and laying in a corner and he was staring at the opposite wall. Nothing of the usual adrenaline after finishing a show was cursing through his veins, just a dull gut feeling.
"This is bullshit," Ashton said and fell down on the couch next to Michael,"I am sick of it." The faint sounds of The Chainsmokers playing their set was the only thing audible right now. "Me too," Michael mumbled.
"We gotta talk to them," Ashton sighed.
"And say what? We're not their fucking parents," Michael groaned.
"I don't know man?," Ashton said, his voice desperate,"That they should get their shit together? Stop hating each other? They are fucking fighting all the time over, like, nothing, and the tension on stage doesn't go unnoticed by our fans! Our live shows are getting worse and worse and I bet they'll start fighting on stage soon, too. And I am tired of always having to step in and pick a side and make them talk to each other again! Aren't you?"
"Yeah," Michael breathed,"I am so tired of it.. it's exhausting and slowly tearing the band apart. Honestly we're only touring for three weeks now, and I won't last the upcoming three month if this continues. I'd rather leave the band."
"No," Ashton said, "That's why we gotta talk to them."
"What are we supposed to say? We don't even know what their problem is, they just get angry at each other for little to no reasons. It's like they are a married couple fighting about who took the last toothpaste or whatever."
Ashton reached up to push his red hair out of his face but froze mid motion.
"What," he said slowly, "what if they ARE like a married couple. What if they are in love? But like suppressed emotions that make them aggressive? I mean it is a far shot but.."
Michael considered for a second then shook his head. "It's actually not that far of a shot. Well, okay it is.. unless you know something I don't?"
"Right now I feel like you know something I don't know?," Ashton eyed Michael.
"I've recently talked to Cal..," Michael trailed off.
"And I've talked to Luke..," Ashton said slowly. They both stared at each other while realization slowly settled in.
"Holy shit," Michael breathed out.
"Yeah, holy shit. This is... equally exciting and terrifying."
"Why terrifying?," Michael asked.
"When they break up, our band is over," Ashton mumbled.
"Wow. We don't even know if we are right and if we are, they aren't even dating yet and you already think about their break up?," Michael shook his head but had a small smile on his lips,"you were always the realist in the band."
Before Ashton could reply, they heard shouting from the room next door. Both boys let out a sigh and got up to step in before it got ugly, like they've done it for the past six weeks.
***
"You don't get to tell me what I can and can't do!," Luke yelled and forcefully stuffed one of his shirts in his backpack.
"Fuck you Luke," Caluk screamed back and threw an empty water bottle in his direction.
"No," Luke burst out and broke into motion, "Fuck you!"
He had shoved Calum against the wall of the small changing room which such a force that he stumbled right after him. They were standing inches apart, glaring at each other, and for a moment Luke wondered if Calum would throw a punch at him.
He didn't.
Instead he leaned in and pressed a kiss to Luke's lips. The kiss wasn't gentle, it was hard, demanding and angry. He pulled away moments later.
Luke glared at Calum, then leant in to press an equally hard kiss to Calums plump lips.
Without parting the kiss, Calum grabbed Luke by the front of his sweatshirt and turned them around before forcefully slamming Luke into the wall and pinning him against it with his whole body. The kiss turned into a rough makeout session, demanding hands traveling over each others bodys. Calum drew away slowly, keeping Luke's bottom lip between his teeth, then let go and let his hands crawl under Luke's shirt. Luke hungrily reconnected their lips and pushed Calums jacket off of his shoulders. Calum slipped his hands into the hem of Luke's glittery dress pants and and Luke's breath hitched before a deep moan escaped his pink lips and he threw his head back against the wall. Calum got to work on Luke's exposed neck, biting and sucking everywhere he could reach.
"God, I hope this is not a dream," Luke quietly moaned out.
"Oh," Calum mumbled, "you've been dreaming about this?"
"N-no?," Luke breathed out, then groaned and threw his head against Calums shoulder while Calum worked his hand in Luke's pants.
"Well, too bad," Calum breathed in Luke's ear, "Cause I have definitely been daydreaming about this plenty of times." He nibbled on Luke's ear and Luke whimpered.
"I've been dreaming about making you mine for so long, Luke," Calum moaned while Luke bit the sensitive spot on Calum neck.
"Then do it, baby," Luke moaned, "make me yours."
"What do you think I am doing right here?," Calum mumbled and Luke gripped Calums shoulders for support while his heartbeat picked up and his breathing became more and more ragged.
They heard the door being pushed open and then immediately shutting again.
***
Michael was standing there, hand still on the doorknob of the closed door, all color drained from his face except for his flushed cheeks, his eyes blown open wide.
"That looked like they don't need us to sort things out this time," Ashton smirked. Michael's mouth opened, then closed again.
"Holy FUCK" He wasn't able to form another sentence.
"Quite literally," Ashton giggled,"holy shit it'll be a lot of work to convince Lukey that he's not dreaming this time though.."
Michael turned his head towards Ashton and finally seemed to snap out of his shock. "We have to be back on stange and play Who Do You Love with The Chainsmokers in 10 minutes!," he panicked.
"Don't worry man, I think they'll be done by then," Ashton winked and turned to leave and settle back on the couch. As if on clue they heard Luke moaning Calums name.
Michael made a gagging sound. "I think I've just been scarred for life."
________________________
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