The hot sand of the beach burns the underside of my legs, but I don’t really care. I shift my position and pull my legs up to my chest, resting my head on top of them. I look up at the sky lethargically. The sun has gone to sleep; the moon has come out to play. Not literally of course, but that’s always the way I think of it. I don’t know what time it is, but judging from how empty the beach is and the color of the sky I assume it must be about seven, maybe eight thirty.
I’ve been here sitting in this exact spot on this beach for about two hours, maybe three. When I broke up with Ryder I ran out of the house and just walked around the town pretty much. Then after about two hours of walking around aimlessly I found myself at this beach. I didn’t let myself cry until I got here. I don’t know where my phone is, I don’t care. I probably left it up there in the room Ryder and I were sharing. I wasn’t wrong for breaking up with him, was I? I mean he lied to me. And he kissed Mollie at the party. He didn’t know that when we left the party a week ago I already knew everything that he told me. He didn’t know because Mollie had already told me. I asked her and she flat out told me. No hesitation, no questions. She straight up told me exactly what Ryder told me. Well not the parts about Scarlett because I’m assuming she didn’t know those things.
So I waited. I waited a whole week, just to see if Ryder would tell me what I already knew. And yeah, he did but he didn’t want to. And I don’t think if he was given the opportunity he would have. My stomach growls for the second time since I’ve been out here. I’m starving. Strangely though, I don’t want to eat. I’m tired, I’m sleepy, and I’m sick of being here in Australia. I wanna go home. And I don’t mean to Vernon. I mean to Dallas. Phil and my mom won’t be back for a while still, but I want to go home. I know I can’t stay out here on this beach forever, and when we go back to California it’s gonna be so awkward with Ryder everywhere I turn.
I probably look horrible. Like a wet raccoon or something with my mascara running down my face. Well it’s not running anymore, that’s because I’m not crying anymore. Why am I not crying anymore? Because I just cried for two hours straight, there are no more tears left in my body. So I’m just sitting here, no intention of getting up. Ever. No I’m not depressed, I’m just sad. I’m pretty sure I’m entitled to be sad.
I swallow the lump in my throat, my mouth growing dry. I lick my lips and sniffle. I look around the beach and the last two people besides myself are now leaving. Assuming from the way they’re walking together, hands intertwined, I assume they’re a couple. A happy couple. They look young. Well not young, but younger than me. They appear to be about sixteen. They get into a car, and drive off, away from the beach.
Finally, all alone. I stand up, my body stiff from sitting down for so long. I walk across the sandy terrain of the beach and stand along the shore line. I stare out at the dark blue water. A small gust of wind engulfs me, and I wrap my arms around me, trying to stay warm. I’m not exactly wearing the most appropriate clothing for outdoors though. My head is pounding, a headache searing through my skull.
“Hey.” A familiar voice says, suddenly beside me.
I turn my head, and look at the person. What is he doing here? I don’t even know him that well. “Hi Cash.”
“You look terrible.”
I nod, not in the mood to defend myself. “I know.”
“Everyone at the house is worried about you.”
“Not everyone, surely.” I say quietly in monotone.
“Yeah, everyone.” Cash corrects, his Tennessee accent evident.
“Well there’s really no need. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine.” He deducts. “You look like someone just ran over your dog or something.”
“I don’t have a dog.”
“It’s a metaphor.”
“Oh.” I say uninterested in this conversation.
“Ryder made me bring this.” He says, handing me a jacket.
“I’m not cold.”
“Your arms beg to differ. You’ve got chill bumps. Just put it on.”
I sigh, but take the jacket from him and pull it on over my head. Well it’s a hoodie really, but whatever. It’s too big on me, and I know that it’s Ryder’s, mainly because it holds his scent and it’s too big. I look down at it and I have the urge to cry, but nothing comes out, because like I said. I have no more tears. It’s the hoodie that he was wearing that morning when we went to get tacos. The blue hoodie with gold lettering from UCLA that I told him I would steal when we were playing Monopoly. Of all the hoodies he could have sent, he had to send this one?
“I don’t mean to sound mean, but you can go now.”
“Are you joking? Ryder’d kill me if he found out I knew where you were.”
“Well since I’m no longer Ryder’s concern, there’s really no point. Really you can go. I’ll come back later. How’d you even know I was here?”
“I didn’t. Ryder said you’d probably come to a beach, so we started checking all the nearby beaches. And just so you know, he’s hurt, but he says he isn’t going to the doctor.”
I raise my eyebrows, “What do you mean he’s hurt? What’s wrong with him?”
“His hand. It’s like broken or something. I don’t really know.”
“What happened?” I wonder.
“He smashed it into the wall.”
My eyes widen, “He punched a wall?”
Cash nods, “Yes. Now come on, we’ve gotta get you back there before he completely freaks out even more than he already has.”
I sigh, “No. I said I’ll come back later.”
Cash looks at me sideways for a minute before sighing. “Fine. But if you aren’t back by eleven, then I’m telling Ryder that you’re out here.”
“I’ll be back by then.” I promise. “What time is it right now? Round seven, eight?”
“It’s nine thirty.” He tells me, looking at him cell phone.
“Okay. Well I’ll see you later.” I reply.
Cash nods and continues to walk in the distance, presumably to a car because moments later I hear a car start and then leave. I sigh and walk down the shoreline of the beach, kicking the sand with my feet. I stumble along a pier and jump up on it, letting my feet dangle over the edge of it, my feet in the water.
---------------
I push open the door of Jansen’s dad’s house and walk in. For some unknown reason, the door is unlocked. I quietly walk across the floor of the living room and then sit down on the couch. I take my phone out of my pocket and see what time it is. 2:16 a.m. I stayed at the beach for a while and then caught a cap back here. I hear a pair of feet coming down the stairs. Who’s awake at this hour, I have no idea.
“Look whose back.” Matt’s voice says from behind me. Then he drops down next to me on the couch.
“Hi Matt.” I say in monotone.
“How are you?”
I shrug, “I’m okay.”
“I doubt that.”
“Okay well, I’m not too okay.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“I’d rather not.” I say honestly, shaking my head.
“Ryder’s not talking to anybody, but he fucked up his hand. You two have a fight?”
“We broke up.”
“Yeah?”
I nod, “Yeah.”
“I’m sorry.”
I look up at him and chuckle, “No you aren’t.”
Matt shakes his head, “No, I am. I mean sure I like you, but you like him.” Then after a second he adds, “And you already said you didn’t like me.”
“I didn’t say that and you know it.”
“Yeah whatever. You implied it. But it’s okay.”
“You’re a sweet boy Matt; I know you’ll find someone.”
He chuckles, “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna try and jump your bones or anything now that you’re single.”
“Jump my bones? Geez, you’re so weird Matt. Don’t use that terminology. Like ever.”
“Alright, alright, I won’t.” Matt retorts, laughing.
“Good.”
“So what, are you just gonna stay down here?”
“I’m not going up there, I know that much.” I reply.
“You can always sleep in my room.” He offers. When I look over at him he raises his hands in surrender, “I won’t touch you, I swear. I’ll sleep on the floor.”
“No, it’s okay. I’m not very sleepy actually.”
“Yeah you are; you just don’t want to look like we’re hooking up or something.”
“Well that’s partly true.”
“Okay, well it’s a huge house; I’ll sleep in another guest room.”
I nod, “Okay. Thanks Matt.”
“Sure thing.” He replies, jumping up. “’Night.”
“Goodnight Matt.” And then he walks away in the opposite direction of the house.
I get up from the couch and trudge up the stairs. I push open Matt’s door and lie down in the bed, still fully dressed in the clothes I wore today. I flip the pillow over, and place my head on it. It feels weird, too lumpy. Ryder’s bed in California is much, much more comfortable.
----------------------
The next morning, rather later that morning, I wake up when I hear my phone ring in my pocket. I reach down into my jean pocket without opening my eyes and retrieve my phone. I hit the answer button and bring the phone to my ear. Answering groggily I say, “Hello?”
“Hey sis.”
“Hi Mason.” I reply halfheartedly.
“You don’t sound too excited to be speaking to me.”
“Sorry. I’m tired.”
“Were you sleeping?”
“Yup.”
“Oh, well anyway I called for a reason.”
“What is it?”
“I talked to Ryder…” He says, letting his voice trail off.
“Yeah, and?”
“And he told me what happened.”
“And?” I repeat.
“And, I just wanted to call and check and see how my baby sister was handling it.”
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t sound like it. He said you ran away to the beach last night and he didn’t know whether or not you were coming back.”
“So that’s it? You’re not gonna try to convince me to get back together with him?”
“Why would I do that? I’m your big brother, if you became a nun, I’d be ecstatic.”
I chuckle, “It’s not happening.”
Mason laughs and then says, “Yeah, but seriously. You know how Ryder is. Maybe you should talk to him. Tell him to go to the doctor or something.”
“Cash told me he punched a wall.”
“Who’s Cash and why’d he punch a wall?”
“No,” I say, “Cash is Jansen’s friend and he told me that Ryder punched a wall. Is his hand like broken or something?”
“How the hell should I know? All he said was he wasn’t going to the doctor.”
“Well if he doesn’t wanna go, I can’t make him.”
“I’m not teling you to do the guy; I’m just saying talk to him. You’ve been friends for seventeen years.”
“Actually, no we were never friends.”
“Always the smarty pants.”
I chuckle humorlessly, “Yeah. What time is it there?”
“A little after 7:30.” He answers me, and then I hear his girlfriend’s voice in the background, calling him. “Hey I gotta go.”
“Okay, talk to you later.”
“Alright, and be safe, alright?”
“Alright Mason, I will.”
“I love you sis.”
“I love you too Mason, bye.” I hang up the phone and get out of the bed. There’s a knock on the door, and I don’t exactly know what I should do. It isn’t even my room. The knock comes again and I cross over and pull it open. I’m relieved to see that it’s just Marissa.
“Hey McKenna.” She says.
“Hi Marissa,” I say, blinking a few times.
“I brought you clothes; I knew you probably didn’t wanna go in there while Ryder was in there.”
I smile, “Thanks Marissa.”
“Sure, so how are you feeling?”
I sit down in the chair and say, “I’m alright.”
“Sure you are.”
“But anyways, have you seen Ryder?”
Marissa nods, “Yeah, I just saw him when I was in there getting your clothes. He looks like hell. He was awake too. He was sitting there on the bed staring down at his cell phone. I walked in and said ‘hey’ to him and he was all like ‘hi’. But he said like a half dying whale or something.”
“Well that’s descriptive.” I say, chuckling.
“Oh and he was like clutching his left hand. I’m pretty sure it’s broken or something.”
“He broke it because of me.” I say sighing.
“No, no. You’re not allowed to be all sad. We’re gonna hang out today, and we’re gonna have fun okay?”
“Sure, why not? I mean it is Australia.” I reply halfheartedly.
“And Matt’s coming with us.”
I raise my eyebrows, “I’m not gonna date him.”
“Who said anything about the two of you dating? No one. We’re all just gonna go have fun around town and what not.”
I nod, “Okay.”
“So here’s your stuff. I’ll be downstairs with Matt.”
----------------------
Thirty minutes later I’m downstairs in the living room with Matt. Marissa is still getting ready, shocking enough. I hear someone coming down the stairs, though I know it isn’t Marissa, because she’s so little, thus her footsteps would be lighter. The person clears their throat, and that’s when I know its Ryder. I don’t turn and look at him though, because I know that if I do, I’ll do something that later I’d regret.
“Can I talk to McKenna alone?” He asks Matt, his voice very hoarse.
“Ugh yeah I guess.” Matt says, standing up from the couch. “I’ll just go outside.” He says awkwardly leaving the room.
Ryder sits down beside me. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
I hear him gulp and he says, “I, uh, h-how…You going out?”
“Yeah.”
“Can’t we just talk abou-“
“There’s nothing for us to talk about.”
“McKe-“
“No Ryder. Please don’t start it.” I look down at his hand which has a few cuts on it. He’s got it balled into a loose fist. “You really should go to the doctor about that.”
He flexes his hand, and winces in pain. “My hand isn’t important. What’s important is us.”
“There is no us. Did you forget that?”
“No, but I wish I could. Come on McKenna, what do I have to do for you to forgive me? I’ll do anything.”
“Ryder, forget about it. Just get your hand taken care of.” Then I get up and walk out of the room. Faintly I hear Ryder mutter, “I really fucked up.”