Present..
Something was different today. I felt it the moment I woke up. Things just had, changed, in some way. I couldn't explain how, or why it felt this way, it just did. Did I have some type of weird dream that I couldn't remember? Was that why everything felt off?
Trying to ignore the weird feeling I received this morning, I ran my fingers through my hair, as I stepped down the stairs and tried to style my bedhead. I wasn't having a great day with it, as random pieces of my usually dark, straight hair spiked out in different directions, although I didn't care too much.
I was already in a rush to get out the door, for I overslept again. But I couldn't help it, I couldn't sleep at all the night earlier. My mind running in all different directions, constantly awake as I thought back to the conversation the other day. The conversation with the police, when they had showed up to my house. Their questions continuously popping up in my head, ones surrounding the idea that Jordan could have in fact hurt himself, and was injured somewhere else. The faint memories sliding into my head as well, ones from weeks and months earlier. He couldn't have been that depressed, right? He couldn't have been hurting that much to kill himself, right? I'm his best friend—or was—shouldn't I have seen that?
By the time I had finally fallen asleep, I had to be up in an hour anyways. But I didn't care, I fell asleep anyways, and was woken up by my mother. I must have completely missed my alarmed, or maybe I hadn't set one the night before at all. I wasn't sure. But at this point, I didn't really care if I was late, or if I showed up at all. It seemed I didn't care about a lot of things lately. Things just didn't seem as important as they used to be. To me, at least.
Turning the corner, my parents stood up from their chairs instantly, and I was taken aback. Even though my parents had been off work for a few weeks, it still caught me off guard to walk into the kitchen or anywhere in the house and see them here. Just figuring I had the house to myself, I was stunned for only a second when I saw them first thing in the morning, but then the realization soon came to me.
They both stared at me with concern, and with hurt as their faces frowned. I had never seen them this upset before, they looked more worried and sad than the past few days. I couldn't read what was on their minds, although I would have rather been able to do that, so we could skip the whole conversation where they told me what was wrong. I slowed right down as I stepped into the kitchen, walking towards the pantry in a slow manner as well, grabbing a few granola bars and stuffing them in my bag. The entire time I could still feel their stares tingle on the side of my face.
"What?" I asked finally, raising my eyebrows as I headed towards the door, beginning to get my shoes on as I knew I couldn't take the car today, my parents would probably want it. I was stuck walking.
My parents both didn't say anything, only staring at me with upset eyes as they seemed grieving.
"James, are you sure you want to go to school today? You could just stay home," my mom said, and instantly I was taken back again, giving the two of them confused looks. What? Why would I stay home? What's going on with them?
"Why? Why would I stay home? It's school, you guys don't like it when I skip anyways. What's going on?" I asked, although they remained silent for a bit, as if they didn't know what to say. But I knew they did, I could see it on their face that they were hiding something from me, but they didn't want to tell me.
"Son, haven't you heard the news?" my dad asked suddenly, and I stared straight ahead at him. I felt my eyes narrow more in confusion, as I shook my head a bit, and this type of nervous energy formed inside me.
"N-no. What's going on? What news?" I asked, but they didn't say a thing, just stared back at each other. Although they were cut off too short of answering, as my phone began to buzz like crazy in my pocket, and I grabbed a hold of it.
Ethan: 'hey, you at school yet?'
Troy: 'where are you? You gotta get over here now.'
Daniel: 'do you know what's going on? The cops are here again. A ton of them. They are like, swarming the school.'
Troy: 'hey, answer us man.'
The lock screen of my phone was covered in messages from my friends, as I was taken away from the conversation with my parents, and brought deeper into what my friends were talking about. I hadn't even realized I began to turn away from my parents and head towards the door, until they called after me while I still looked down at my phone.
"James? Are you ok? What did you read on your phone?" my mother asked, like she really was worried. But I didn't answer her, I was too focused on what my friends were saying. The cops? Back at school? Why? Did they want to talk to us, again? Why? What else did they find? And why is there a bunch of them there? What's going on?
"Hey, buddy, you want to just stay home today? Take it easy?"
"What? No. No, I have to go to school. My friends keep bugging me, I gotta go," I finally said after a few seconds of silence, and they waited for my answer. I didn't even look back at them before I opened the door and walked out, as the gloomy clouds covered the sky once again, so dark it looked as if about to rain.
"James, wait!" my dad called after me as I got about ten feet away from him, about to head down the front lawn further and onto the street. But he didn't try to convince me to stay home again, as he chucked me the car keys once again. Although he wasn't smiling like the day earlier, that upset look was still across his face, like he was upset for me, depressed in a way. They both looked like that, and I found it rather odd. But at the moment, I didn't have time to question them completely, I had to get going.
I let a small smirk spread across my face once I caught the keys, and I waved them goodbye like usual.
"Thanks. I'll see you guys later," I called back, as they both only stood in the doorway, and watched me leave.
Putting the key into the ignition, I started it up and pulled away from the house, onto the next street as I made my way towards the school.
My friends were right I soon found out as I pulled into the back lane of our school, while multiple police cars sat in the parking lot and around the front of the school. I placed my foot on the brake a bit, slowing down as I passed by the cars, all empty and had been turned off, causing me to believe they all had to be inside. But why? What's going on? That question was still stuck on my mind, and it seemed my friends had no idea either.
Parking at the far end of the lot like the day earlier, I pressed the alarm before heading inside, towards the empty halls. I knew by now I was late, yet again. Making it inside just before the rain was about to pour down, thunder began to rupture in the sky as it started off quiet, and only grew. Practically jogging inside, I walked towards my locker right away, placing my binder in my bag before heading off to my second period class, I had missed my first one yet again.
I scanned the halls while I made my way towards the room, in search of my friends as I hoped I would see them at their lockers or talking somewhere in the halls. But there was no sight of them, only a few other kids wandering the halls. All staring right at me as I walked by, slight whispers going off until I passed, as if they were talking about me. But what was there to whisper about me? Did this have to do anything with the police showing up? What's up with everyone today?
Everything felt like it was going by so fast this morning, as that weird sensation still fell over me. Everything still felt off, but I couldn't explain why. And now, with my parents acting weird, my friends texting me hysterically, the cops showing up, and whispers beginning to emerge in the halls whenever I passed by, everything seem even more weird and off. But I couldn't place the pieces together. I couldn't figure it out myself.
Making my way up towards the top floor, I walked along the red and white hallway and made a turn into my math class, while it seemed I wasn't as late as I thought I was. Kids were still taking their seats, talking amongst each other as Mrs. Hemming was gathering all her papers together, in a daze almost as if she wasn't fully here. Everyone seemed to be in a bit of a daze, I noticed the moment I walked in. Students talking to each other, but they seemed to not be fully there. All eyes bugging out, in shock almost, and their whispers seemed to be intense.
Holding onto the straps of my bag tightly, I entered as my eyes instantly fell onto Morgan, her light hair brushed over her shoulders, as she stared down at her desk in a fog. She looked shocked as well, upset, and just plain confused. Slowly I walked over towards her, taking a seat as I swallowed hard. If I was being honest, I was a bit nervous to talk to her today, only because of the way I ditched her the day before. I had been cancelling and rescheduling our plans for weeks now, and I hated doing that. But it was just that I didn't feel up to it, it was all because of me. I wanted her to know that, it was me, not her. It wasn't that I didn't like her, I did, a lot. But ever since that, thing happened a few weeks earlier, I felt different in a way. In a bad way. And I knew I had to keep it hidden from her, she couldn't know. But I just felt the more I hung out with her, the more time I spent with her, the more I had to keep hiding it, hiding that incident, and I didn't want to do that. It was bad enough I was hiding it from my parents and my friends, I couldn't imagine hiding it from another person as well. I didn't want to do that, it felt like too much work.
Placing my bag on the floor, she suddenly looked over towards me, snapping out of her daze as I caught her attention, and her eyes only grew larger. Like she was stunned to see me, and I was taken back again. Everything seemed to be catching me off guard today.
"H....hey. W-what are you doing here?" she asked, stuttering a bit, as if she was nervous as well. I frowned, not too sure what she meant.
"What do you mean? It's school, I have to show up," I said, telling her as if she had forgotten and I was reminding her. But she only shook her head, as if that wasn't what she meant at all. Although she didn't say anything right away, and I felt that type of stiff and awkward air grow in between us. "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday. Our plans slipped past my mind, I just have a lot going on right now. It's not you, I promise, it's just me. Why don't we plan to hang out on the weekend or some—"
"James, it's not the plans that I'm worried about. I don't care about those, they aren't important. What I'm worried about is you," she said suddenly, cutting me off as the class still hadn't started yet, while everyone was still sitting around and waiting. I was stunned after she spoke, not too sure what to say.
"What do you mean? Why are you worried about me?"
"Haven't you heard the news? It's all over school. Have you and your friends heard what's happened yet?" she asked, not answering my question as she changed the topic around. And yet again, I just kept silent and listened, confusion rising up inside me. What is everyone talking about? What news? Can someone just tell me what's going on already? Can someone just tell me the god damn news?
"Attention students and staff," our principal's upset and grieving voice suddenly emerged from the intercom the moment those thoughts popped into my head, as every voice in the room instantly died down. Turning away from Morgan, I listened carefully as every student and our teacher did as well, turning towards the speaker in the room. "I am aware many of you have already heard, but this morning, we received some extremely upsetting news from the Oakland Police Department," he continued, as my heart picked up speed the moment he mentioned the police, and I held my breath. "Westend student and athlete, Jordan Adamson, was found late last night, and has been declared dead."
I was frozen. In absolute shock as I heard Mr. Hawkins speak over the intercom, and it seemed everyone else was too. I hadn't realized I had stopped breathing all together, as my eyes were glued straight ahead, and tried to process what I just heard. But I couldn't. My mind was completely blank, I didn't know how to act, what to say, what to think at all.
"James? Hey, are you ok?" a voice beside me cut in and out as I felt the room begin to spin. The voice sounded unrecognizable, I couldn't tell who it was without looking. But as I slowly turned my head I realized it was Morgan talking to me, but her lips weren't matching up with her voice. And then suddenly, her voice cut completely out, and I couldn't hear a thing. I couldn't breathe, I felt I couldn't get any air in at all. My chest feeling as if it was about to collapse, it seemed as if caving in, and I couldn't do anything to stop it. A hot and cold sensation drenched me, although I felt completely cold as my body temperature heated up.
"James?" another voice cut in and out, but I couldn't tell who it was this time. All eyes suddenly fell onto me, and I felt the room spin even more. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't get any air in as the room felt like it was getting smaller. And as more seconds went on, a sudden and intense feeling of sickness rose in the back of my throat, and I knew right away I was going to throw up.
I didn't waste any time. Grabbing my bag from the ground, I booked it out of the classroom, out into the empty hall and down the stairs, fleeing towards the bathroom. I couldn't throw up in the hall or in a garbage can, I had to go and hide out somewhere, where no one else could see me. I had to get away from people, and everyone in the class. No one could see me like this.
Sprinting towards the bathroom on the second floor, I didn't hesitate at all as I took the first stall, hunching over as I grabbed for the toilet, and hurled up inside. I almost hugged the seat, the nasty public seat, although at this point I didn't care too much. That hot sensation ran through me as I puked a few more times, heaving, until I felt it was all out. Taking a seat on the floor next to the toilet, I curled my knees up towards me as I placed my head in between them, trying to calm down a bit. My mind finally came out of its fuzzy and foggy state, while burning questions and thoughts all began to pop up.
"Westend student and athlete, Jordan Adamson, was found late last night, and has been declared dead."
"Jordan Adamson was found late last night, and has been declared dead."
"Found late last night, and has been declared dead."
"Declared dead."
"Declared dead."
"Declared dead."
Principal Hawkins voice kept repeating in my head, on a continuous loop as I sat there, trying to process everything from before. It didn't seem real, it didn't feel real. Not now, not yet. He's dead. They found him, dead. He didn't run away, he isn't at a friends house just hanging out. He didn't get hammered or too drunk that night and just disappeared. He isn't coming back, not like all the other times. This isn't like the other times. No, he died. He is dead.
Did he die that night? The night of the game and the party? Has he been dead for days? How did he die? What happened?
But those questions didn't seem as important right now. There was only one thought that kept repeating in my head. One I couldn't get myself to believe at all. He is dead. He is dead. Declared dead. My best friend. My brother. Declared dead.
Tears began to soak in my eyes as the moments went on, but I didn't bother closing of locking the stall door behind me. Nothing else seemed to matter at this moment, I didn't care about anything right now. The last thing I cared about was someone walking in and seeing me bawl on the bathroom floor. I hardly even thought about that. All I could think of was that announcement that just played throughout the school, and my mind wouldn't wander onto any other topic. He was gone. Gone forever. I would never have a chance to apologize to him, and he would never have a chance to say sorry to me. He was gone for good.
Everything was done, everything was over. All the pain was over from weeks ago, I wouldn't have to see him anymore. I wouldn't have to feel that hurt and anger every time I see him anymore, I will never see him again. But I didn't feel happy about that. You'd think, if someone had gone through what I had, they would be more than happy if the person who did that to them ended up dead or was gone forever. But I wasn't like that. Because the truth was, I wasn't sure if I hated Jordan or not. I hated what he did, but I didn't hate him. Or maybe I did, I don't know.
I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know how to feel about the situation. I felt sad, extremely sad and upset, I had lost my brother. But at the same time, I felt a type of relief. Am I a horrible person for feeling that way? Maybe.
As I sat there, with tears still running down my face, I leaned my head further into my knees, placing my hands over top of my head. Rocking back and forth, I tried to ease up the tears, but they only kept raining down.
***
"I hate you James! I fucking hate you! You took this season away from me! You knew how much I wanted this, and you didn't care! You took everything away from me! My own friend! How could you do that?! You fucking deserve this!"
"Stop it Jordan! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Just stop! Please!"
"No! Just take it! Take it like a man! Suck it up!"
"Stop!"
***
I clenched all over as memories started to flash in my head, and I felt hot within seconds. Frozen, I couldn't move until the flash ended, and I started to breathe again. I felt the pain all over as the memory came back to me, and as I mentally returned to the bathroom stall I was in now, and not the locker room, I tried to let the flash fade away. Let it disappear. But it still lingered with me, like it always did.
I'll never know why he did that to me. He can never explain himself. He can never apologize for that. For causing me so much pain, so much hurt. So much guilt and shame, I will never know why he, my greatest friend, would hurt me like that. I will never have any answers.
The tears only pooled up more as that memory began to fade a bit, and I suddenly got distracted. My ears perking up, I finally lifted my head as another announcement came over the intercom.
"May I have your attention. Can Troy Christiansen, Ethan Mansfield, Daniel Hoffman and James Dawson please report to the principal's office. That's Troy Christiansen, Ethan Mansfield, Daniel Hoffman and James Dawson, to the principal's office," a woman's voice echoed above the school, as one of the secretaries called instead of the principal.
My stomach turned once again as I heard my name, butterflies flapping aggressively as my heart picked up its pace again. I didn't want to move, I felt like I couldn't move at the moment. Still frozen to the bathroom floor, still close by the toilet as I felt I could hurl once again. I didn't have the energy to get up, but I knew I had to. And besides, if I just stayed on the floor, they would call me again. Or worse, they could actually come looking for me. I didn't want that.
Taking a few deep breaths, I slowly dragged my feet underneath me before standing up, holding onto the walls for support. Talking wobbly steps, I felt my feet were going to give out under me at any moment. Although before I exited the washroom, I walked towards the sinks and mirrors, taking a look at my own reflection as I was almost horrified. My eyes looked puffy as hell, as if someone had beaten me up seconds earlier. My face completely red, mostly around my light eyes and nose. I looked truly sick, or like I had been crying for days on end. However the rest of my skin was pale white, like I had seen a ghost. They can't see me like this. No one can.
Running my hands under the automatic sink, I quickly splashed water onto my face and rubbed at it, trying to mask the tears that had begun to dry up. The cool water helped extinguish the flaming fire of pain and sadness, as if helped me cool off as well. But still, it didn't make the fogginess or the daze I was in go away, I still felt numb from the shocking news.
I took more deep breaths before leaving the washroom, making my way towards the stairs and to the main floor, while everyone else was still in their classrooms. My head felt like it was throbbing with the beat of my heart, while the shock still washed over me. I couldn't wrap my head around this. Around anything at the moment. This didn't seem real. This couldn't be real. But it was.