II
polaroids
Magaspang ang nakausbong na pilat sa aking noo. Tinunton iyon ng aking daliri habang pinagmamasdan ko ang repleksyon sa salamin.
For years, I hid this scar with a bangs. Palagi ko itong itinatago hindi dahil sa nahihiya akong makita ito ng iba, kundi dahil ako mismo ang natatakot na makita ito.
It was a constant reminder that I was once on the brink of death. A constant proof of a nightmare that I have never really escaped and perhaps, would live on with me forever.
A sudden burst of fear and bitterness resurrected from the pit of my stomach. Before my long jet black hair was skin so pale, it looked blood-drained. My eyes looked so stoic and fierce that I often gave off a scary impression. My face heart-shaped and my cheekbones, high. I looked so much like my grandmother.
Isang beses ko pang pinasadahan ng tingin ang sarili. I look fine. Paulit ulit kong kinukumbinsi ang sarili kong maayos ang hitsura ko. Hindi kabawasan ang pilat. Palihim akong humiling na sana ay matanggap sa susunod na model casting na dadaluhan.
As much as I love to paint, I love modeling too. But I was never vocal or too bold to pursue it because my mom wouldn't want it.
A heavy sigh escaped my lips. Inilugay kong muli ang bangs bago bumaba para mag-almusal.
"Ano'ng plano mo ngayong araw? Do you have somewhere particular you want to visit? Sabihin mo nang hindi ka biglang nawawala rito't nag-aalala kami." Bungad sa akin ni mama.
"Mag-jojogging lang po ako. I'll return for breakfast later."
Hindi ko na hinintay na makasagot si mama. Wearing my racerback and dolphin shorts, I started taking laps in the garden. But soon, the mansion grew boring. Sa likod na gate ako dumaan upang hindi na kwestyunin ng mga guwardiya.
Tuwang tuwa ako nang humaplos sa aking pisngi ang mabining hangin mula sa malawak na taniman. I ran past some of the workers who craned their necks for me. Ngumiti ako't kumaway sa mga ito.
"Iyan iyong apo ni Donya Luisiana, hindi ba? Iyong nanirahan sa States?"
"Oo. Balita ko'y kahapon lang muling umuwi."
I heard a bit of their gossip but it didn't really bother me.
Something else bothers me. I wonder where that guy from yesterday lives? I can't help but be curious. Masiyadong bitin ang pag-uusap namin kahapon. I feel like he knows more about me only if we weren't interrupted. Malayo layo pa ang tinakbo ko, nagbabaka-sakali na makita siya kung saan.
When I failed to do so, I ran my way back to the mansion. Naligo ako't nagpahinga bago naghanda ng almusal para sa sarili.
I spent the day working out, doing a bit of yoga and practicing my walk.
"Why are you doing all these, Zhalia? Pinapagod mo ang sarili mo. I have friends in Storm, if you want, I could easily book you with them. In no time, you'll be in New York fashion week." Auntie Camila made a face when she saw me in my room, walking in front a huge mirror.
I am well aware of that. Sa kanilang tatlo, Auntie Camila is more fond of fashion and grandeur. She's a fashion icon. She's a shareholder in a fashion-design company, and she's friends with a lot of designers. Dahil roon ay lagi itong imbitado sa mga fashion week. Milan, Paris to New York FW, she jumps from one to another because of her love of couture.
"Tita, ayos lang. I can work my way to that."
Mas lalo itong hindi makapaniwala sa sagot ko. She frowned in disbelief as if I am the dumbest person in earth.
"You really are hard-headed. What's the point of all of these when you can have the easy route?"
Ano pang silbi ng buhay kung lahat ay madali mo na lang nakukuha? Success won't be sweeter when it isn't earned with sweat. I wanted to voice that out but it really won't make sense to my Aunt.
"Tita, 'wag mo na akong problemahin. I love what I do."
"Fine, then. I'm headed to Paris next week. Baka may gusto kang ipabili? The new Chanel ready to wear collection would suit you well."
Natawa na lang ako sa suhestiyon niya. "I'm fine, Auntie. Just enjoy your trip."
Payapang lumipas ang unang linggo ko sa mansiyon. Madalas ang paglilibang ko ay ang pangangabayo at pamamasyal sa azucarera. Kung hindi nag-eensayo o nag-woworkout, nagpipinta ako.
It was all fine until one day, Linn called for a not so pleasing news.
"Zhalia, have you seen your photo? Ang ganda mo doon ah!"
"Anong picture?" nagsalubong ang kilay ko.
"The one on the internet. It's all over social media. Iyong nanalo ng portrait photography contest?"
"What?"
"Why are you acting like you don't know it?"
"Linn, hindi ko talaga alam. I haven't modeled for anyone recently. My last was in New York for some local magazine. Ano bang hitsura ng litrato?"
"Tingin ko recently lang ito. Mukhang diyan sa Claveria? Go check it out." Maging si Linn ay tila naguguluhan na rin.
"It was in the headlines of some online magazines. Don't worry, wala naman sa iyo ang atensiyon. Pinupuri nila iyong photographer because he's young, and he won among these contestants from other countries."
"How old is he? Saka ano'ng pangalan?
"He's 19. I forgot the name. Tignan mo na lang."
I flipped my laptop open and hovered through social media. There it is! My god damn photo as a thumbnail over a particular article! It said "Filipino photographer wins first prize in International Portait Photography Contest 2019."
Pinindot ko iyong link at naroon nga ang mga nanalo sa iba't ibang kategorya noong patimpalak. My photo was first in the row of all the portraits!
Kuha ko ito noong unang araw ko rito sa Claveria. My eyes were in a dream-like state staring into yonder. My back was leaning into the Volkswagen, there are strands of hair flying over my cheeks, my head tilted upwards and my gaze afar. It was stunning. I had to admit, even I found it pretty.
The tall pine trees in my back and the distant mist-covered mountains, where I am staring was seen a bit. The sky above me was cascading into yellow and red hues. There was so much going on, the colors were dramatic, and my eyes looked different. The photo looked strangely magical. It was taken in a very artistic manner that it conveyed too many feelings.
Below it was the title, Nostalgia.
And written beside was: by Stav Valerio
Nagngingit ang ngipin ko sa nabasa. Ang pagkamangha ay napalitan ng inis. That stupid arrogant guy! Hindi pala ako ang pinipicturean niya ha? What is this then? Ginamit niya ako sa isang contest at nanalo siya!
Paniguradong malaki ang kikitain niya rito, all thanks to me. I felt my blood boiling. Buti na lang talaga at medyo mahina siya. He can't get away with his crime now that his name was plastered here.
"Nakita mo na? Ang galing hindi ba? Ang ganda noong kuha. This guy is really talented. Do you know him?" Linn echoed through my phone but I could hardly comprehend.
"Yes, Linn. Tawagan kita ulit."
I searched on facebook: Stav Valerio. Walang lumabas. I searched it on Instagram and nothing appeared as well. Nasapo ko ang noo sa inis nang hindi siya mahanap sa social media.
Pero hindi ako madaling sumuko. I went to the stables and fetched Apollo. Pinatakbo ko ang kabayo patungo sa parehong direksyon noong nakaraan. Hinampas ko ang tali at kumaripas ito ng takbo. Mabilis naming nalagpasan ang tubuhan at ang kakahuyan.
Maya maya pa nariyan na ang nagtataasang pine trees. Doon ko pinahinto si Apollo. Nilakad ko na lang ang patungo sa kahoy na tulay. Tumunog iyong footbridge nang umapak ako roon. Binaybay ko iyon hanggang sa marating ko ang tubig na ilalim.
Nagpatuloy pa ako't sa dulo ay narating ko ang dalampasigan.
The beach was void of people. It was late in the afternoon and in a few hours, it would be dark. May malapit na beach house ngunit mukhang wala namang tao roon.
Nakaramdam ako ng kaunting takot sa pag-iisa.
Nevertheless, the sea looked so inviting. Ang marahas na hangin mula sa hampas ng alon ay tinangay ang manipis na tela ng summer dress ko. I stayed there for a while, eyes searching the place for someone particular. Kahit na abot tanaw ko naman ang buong lugar, naglakad lakad pa rin ako upang maghanap.
Sumuko lamang ako nang maramdaman ang mga patak ng ambon. I cursed inwardly. Baka maabutan pa ako ng ulan.
Tinakbo ko ang daan pabalik upang mapahinto nang matanaw ang pamilyar na bulto sa tulay. He stood there just like last time. His phone on his hands and he seemed like he was scanning the photos he had just taken.
Pinigilan ko ang sariling mamangha sa hitsura niya't sinikop ang lahat ng inis ko.
"Stav Valerio!" I yelled his name.
Paglingon niya ay siyang pagmartsa ko patungo sa kaniya. He looked at me stunned. Maybe because of my sudden appearance.
"You, liar! You said you weren't taking my picture last time. Surprisingly, you joined a photo contest with a stolen picture!"
"Hey, will you calm down?" He mocked a laugh and raised his hands. But it only fed my anger.
"Take down that photo or I will sue you." Mariin kong saad.
"Look, I'm sorry." He lowered his gaze and sported an apologetic look. Humakbang ito papalapit ngunit lumayo ako.
"Take it down if you're sorry."
"You know that's not possible."
"Okay then, I'll sue you. I'll file a complaint about a violation of data privacy act under photo voyeurism."
"The photo didn't harass you." He drawled lazily. Nakahalukipkip pa ito't tila hindi apektado.
"Well, my privacy was invaded. I'm uncomfortable with that. My photo will be used for commercial purposes. It will be displayed in a Gallery in London, right? I don't want that--"
"I will just pay you okay?"
I felt blood rushing to my face. Lalo akong nainis sa tinuran niya.
"Do I look like I need money?"
"Well if that's---damn!" Napahinto ito nang sunod sunod ang malalaking patak ng ulan.
Dumapo ang mainit niyang palad sa aking palapulsuhan. Magpoprotesta sana ako ngunit mabilis niya akong hinigit paalis roon.
"Do you have a car?" Tanong ko habang tumatakbo kami. Umiling ito.
Napamura ako nang mas lalong lumakas ang ulan. Natalsikan na ako ng putik nang tinakbo namin ang lupa. Tinungo namin ang kakahuyan upang maghanap ng masisilungan. Naroon na rin si Apollo na kusang naglakad sa lilim ng kakahuyan nang umulan.
We stayed under the biggest shed from the pine trees. Nakaramdam ako ng kaunting pagka-ilang nang mapansin ang masiyadong pagkalapit namin sa isa't isa habang nakasilong. Ako na ang dumistansiya.
"This is no use!" Sambit ko nang masiyado nang malakas ang ulan at hindi na gumagana ang silong.
Sinulyapan ko siya at nakitang nakakunot ang noo nito habang tinitingala ang madilim na langit. Water drenched his dark brown hair. The raindrops flowed from his forehead to his shoulders. His white long sleeves are all wet that it revealed his firm muscles beneath.
"Let's ride your horse," anunsyo niya kasabay nang paglingon sa akin. Para akong napaso at agad nag-iwas ng tingin.
"Hindi pwede. Delikado."
"Magdidilim na't mukhang hindi pa titila ang ulan. Unless you want to spend a night here with me?" He taunted as he continued to stare down at me.
Napabuga ako ng hangin sa inis. I rolled my eyes. Wow, what an inappropriate joke.
"Hindi puwede. Kawawa ang kabayo ko!" Reklamo ko nang hindi siya tinitignan. Damn. Why am I suddenly uneasy?
"At tayo hindi?"
"Why don't you call someone then? Magpasundo tayo. Saka may beach house doon ah? Can we stay there?"
Umiling ito, walang balak makinig. Napanganga ako nang tumakbo ito patungo sa kabayo ko. Agad akong sumunod.
"Go." He impatiently commanded.
I didn't move a bit.
"Hindi pwede!"
But to my surprise, he held me by the waist and positioned me to ride the horse. Nang nakaupo na ako'y sumunod siya sa likod ko.
"Marunong ka bang mangabayo?" Tanong ko.
Sinulyapan ko ito at hindi nakawala sa akin ang pag-angat ng labi niya.
"Ano'ng nakakatawa?"
Umiling lamang ito. Labis na ang pag-aalala ko nang hawakan niya ang latigo. Ayokong maaksidente at ayokong madamay si Apollo. My poor horse can't afford to die.
He violently maneuvered the horse. Napatili ako nang kumaripas ng takbo ang kabayo. My screams didn't stop him at all. Sinalubong ako ng marahas na hangin at patak ng ulan habang tinatakbo namin ang kakahuyan. Sa takot ay napakapit ako sa braso niya.
The tall pine trees seemed to go on forever. Nagpadagdag sa takot ko ang madilim at makapal na kakahuyan. He chuckled. He seemed to find thrill in all this danger!
"Will you slow down?!" I begged when dark images flashed in my mind.
I imagined us slipping in the mud, or falling of a cliff--just like how it was years ago. Nanlamig ang buong katawan ko sa takot. He leaned closer to me, securing me between his rock hard forearms. Naramdaman ko ang init ng kaniyang katawan na tinalo ang lamig ng ulan.
"Kumapit ka." He commanded seriously.
"I might fall." My voice quivered.
"You won't fall." May kumpiyansa niyang saad.
Mas lalong humigpit ang kapit ko sa kaniyang braso. I am shivering all over. Hindi ko na magawang magreklamo sa labis na takot. I am still so scared of falling and hurting but I entrusted myself to him.
Nanlalabo ang paningin ko sa patak ng ulan. Nalagpasan na namin ang kakahuyan at sinalubong kami ng malawak na taniman at bulubundukin. The wide fields and mountains seemed too gloomy under the dark grey skies and violent pouring rain.
Kitang kita ang direksyon ng marahas na buhos ng ulan mula sa malawak na taniman. Ang mga bulubundukin ay natatabunan ng makakapal na ulap habang ang aspaltong daan ay kumikinang sa tubig-ulan.
Tinalo ang pagkamangha ko ng takot. How I wish I could admire the rain but my heart couldn't be at ease. Tahimik akong nanalangin na makarating na kami agad sa mansyon.
Fortunately, we did. Within minutes, the towering gate of our mansion welcomed me. Huminto ang kabayo sa harap noon. Naunang bumaba si Stav roon. Akmang bababa na rin ako ngunit nauna pang dumapo ang kamay niya sa baywang ko at inalalayan ako pababa.
"Pervert! Kanina ka pa ah. Kaya kong bumaba!" I fired him an angry look. He remained blank-faced.
"Sorry." Hinihingal niyang saad, tila wala ng ganang makipagtalo.
Walang awa ang marahas na ulan. Basang basa na ang puti kong bestida. Even my brown boots was filled with mud. Water was dripping wildly from Stav's hair.
Raindrops on his brows and lashes made his almond eyes seem more dramatic.
"Saan ka pupunta?" Tanong ko nang maglakad siya palayo.
Hindi ito sumagot. Nakatalikod na siya nang kumaway. Tuloy tuloy ang lakad niya nang hindi ako nililingon. Nang mapagtanto kong wala na itong balak makipag-usap ay hindi na ako nangulit.
I watched as he trailed the road down. When he slowly grew small in my eyes, I decided to enter our mansion.
Parang nakakita ng multo ang mga kasambahay nang makita ako sa bulwagan.
"Miss! Ano'ng nangyari sa inyo?" Natatarantang lumapit sa akin si Ida, my personal handmaid.
Sinundan ito ng lima pang kasambahay kasama ang mayordomang si Minerva. Kumaripas ang isa't dinalhan ako ng towel.
"Ang Auntie Martina ho?" Tanong ko habang pinupunasan ni Ida ang mukha ko.
"Abala po sa munisipyo."
Tumango ako. Auntie Martina aside from co-managing the farm with my mom is now Claveria's mayor.
"Ang Auntie Camila?"
"Ang sabi ho'y may dadaluhang party sa Manila. Baka bukas pa ang uwi."
"Ang mama?"
"Abala ho sa opisina."
"Okay. Sana po huwag na itong makarating sa kanila please? Nangangabayo lang ako nang abutan ng malakas na ulan."
I took a quick warm bath. Naka-roba ako nang tumungo sa kama. Nakahanda roon ang damit na isusuot at sa gilid ay si Ida. She helped me comb my hair as I sat on the bed's edge.
"Ida, how old are you?" I asked, curious at her youthful face.
"20, Miss Zhalia" Aniya, tila nahihiya.
"Oh! We're nearly the same age. I'm 18. So I suppose, you shouldn't call me Miss or Ma'am? Just call me Zhalia." I beamed at her. She seemed very reluctant.
"Saka kailangan mo ba itong gawin? I can brush my hair and prepare my clothes."
"Iyon ho ang utos ni Minerva. Saka ho baka magalit and mga batang donya."
Natawa ako sa tinuran niya. They really call my Aunties, Donya? That's so corny! I really don't get the need for titles and statuses.
"Oh? I don't prefer being called that way. Ayokong pinagsisilbihan." Pag-amin ko.
Tumango si Ida. Hindi alam ang igagatong.
"So I hope we can be friends Ida? Treat me like a friend. Drop the honorifics too." I glanced up at her.
She nervously nodded.
"Nakakatakot ba ako?" Natatawa kong saad.
"Hindi naman. Ang mga mata po ninyo, medyo." Nahihiya niyang turan.
"I've been told." I laughed even more.
"Anyway, Ida, do you know someone named Stav Valerio?" Kuryoso kong tanong. Natigilan si Ida.
"Ang mga Valerio kilala ko. Iyong Stav, hindi ako pamilyar."
"Who are the Valerios then?"
"Sila ang nagmamay-ari ng mga lupain sa susunod na bayan. May azucarera rin sila. Kakumpetensiya sila ng pamilya ninyo. Hindi mo alam?"
My mouth gaped. Marahan akong napatango sa nalaman. So he is a haciendero too? That explains the arrogance.
"Ganoon ba? I'm not really familiar."
"Sa bagay, nagka-amnesia ho kayo hindi ba?"
Lumingon ako kay Ida. Bigla nitong natuptop ang bibig na parang nagsisi sa sinabi.
"Yes. But I'm actually cured. Naaalala ko na ang lahat. Siguro hindi ko lang talaga sila kilala bago pa ako magka-amnesia. Sa States kasi ako nakatira. Bumibisita lang ako rito paminsan."
"Oo nga..." tumango tango ito.
"How long have you been working here?" I diverted the topic.
"Bata pa lang ako kay nandito na ako. Nanay ko iyong cook na si Minda. Dito na rin ako lumaki."
Nanlamig ang sikmura ko sa naisip. She's been here since she's a kid? Pero ngayon ko lang siya nakilala.
"I don't remember you though.." Malungkot kong saad.
"H-hindi naman kasi tayo naging magkakilala noon. Madalas na sa maid's headquarters lang ako. Pinagbabawalan akong makihalubilo sa inyo dahil baka paalisin kami ni nanay."
But the doctor said that there are parts of my memory that I couldn't recall anymore. The minor and irrelevant parts. That probably explains why I couldn't remember Ida nor her mother.
"That's sad. I hope you don't feel afraid now. Please don't be intimidated by me." I smiled.
Ida did too, hesitantly.
Nang sumunod na araw ay naisipan kong mag-ayos ng kwarto. My room needs a revamp. Tatlong taon itong hindi binago. My tastes have changed.
Winalisan ko ang ilalim ng kama na may kakaunting alikabok. Pagkatapos ay inusog ko iyon. Plano kong ilipat iyon sa kabilang sulok. Natigilan lang ako nang makakita ng maliit na kahon sa ilalim.
I reached for the small box covered in dust. It contained several polaroids. I scanned each and my heart grew colder. Nanlamig ang kaibuturan ko sa mga litrato ko.
Looking at my photos felt like looking at a stranger's memories.