With the fresh idea in my mind that Dan would still be okay with me even if I said I liked him. I felt a surge of confidence pulse through my body. A goofy smile erupted from my lips and I was swimming in ecstasy. Alright. Everything would be alright. He would still be here for me, like he always was. Checking up on me when I was upset, buying me barrels of chocolate and joking with me to make me smile.
Spinning in the new found self esteem from the intoxication of alcohol I felt like anything I said may not be remembered or if reacted to horribly, passed off as a joke. Nothing could go wrong...
"Well" I stated shyly, my voice barely audible "I think..."
And I cut myself off, internally scolding myself for being such a dick. I built myself up just to be let down.
"You thought?" He questioned timidly
I knew it was killing him not to know but he was to shy to pressure me for an answer.
Then an idea slipped its way into my head. Just because my sudden decision to not tell him everything had been made in my subconscious; it didn't mean I couldn't sort of drop hints. I felt he wasn't ready to hear the full story immediately. I had to let him down softly and I knew one thing I could tell him that would definitely start him thinking.
"I think I might be gay." I said triumphantly and I felt a great weight lift from my emotional baggage. Just because I was hiding my feelings didn't mean I had to hide the real me and he had a right to know the true me; the true Phil.
We'd known each other for so long and we had so many gay friends I'd doubted for a while it'd even affect our daily lives and in the mist of tonight I'd just gone with it.
"That's fine." He said, after a moments contemplation of his response I was supposed that was all he'd managed.
"Just fine?" I asked, slightly downhearted by his reaction. " I just told you my biggest secret and you say it's just fine."
"Sorry," he breathed out shyly, " It's just a shock. Not that I have anything against it, obviously and this doesn't change anything between us at all. It's just a shock. I mean, I thought you were going to tell me you had a girlfriend."
He giggled slightly to take the edge off his voice but I could tell he was complete serious.
A girlfriend? Dan thought I had a girlfriend? More to the point, he had accepted me. Well, at least his words told me he has whether or not this would actually change anything time will just have to tell.